Wives

Your relationship can handle way more honesty than you think it can. In fact, a new study from the University of Rochester found that being brutally honest with your partner benefits both of you.

Most people fear that difficult conversations will damage their relationships, so we avoid tough topics or sugarcoat our feelings. But research shows we’re wrong about the risks of being direct.

Scientists studied 214 couples, together an average of 15 years, and asked them to discuss something they wanted their partner to change. This is a conversation most people dread. Before talking, each person privately wrote down what they wanted to say, then had the conversation while researchers recorded what was actually shared.

The results? When people were more honest about their requests, both partners reported better emotional well-being and higher relationship satisfaction. What mattered more was that people actually were honest and that their partners perceived them as honest.

Three months later, many benefits persisted. People who had been more honest during the initial discussion reported better emotional well-being and were more likely to see positive changes in their partners over time.

You don’t need perfect communication skills or complete agreement about what happened for honesty to help your relationship. You just need willingness to share authentic thoughts and feelings.

Rather than tiptoeing around sensitive topics, couples should lean into honest communication. The truth can set your relationship free, even when it’s hard to hear.

At the 34-year mark of his marriage, Tim Keller shared the following insight about his marriage:

Neither my wife nor I are particularly gender-stereotyped. Yet you get into marriage, and you find you see the world differently, and you see each other differently. She sees things in me I would never see. But she sees because she’s a different gender and she’s in close, and I see things in her, and I see things in the world.

After 34 years of conflict, of arguing, of head-butting, now every single day when I get out into the world and things happen to me, I have a split second to react. What am I going to say? What am I going to do? What am I going to think? For years, even halfway through my marriage, I only thought like a man, but now, after years and years of head-butting, here’s what happens.

Something happens, and for a split second, I not only know what I would do, what I would think, how I would respond, but I know how Kathy would think, and I know what Kathy would do. For a split second, because it’s so instilled in me, I have a choice. Which of these approaches would probably work better? You see, my wisdom portfolio has been permanently diversified. I’m a different person, and yet I’m me. I haven’t become more feminine. In fact, probably in many ways I’ve become more masculine as time has gone on.

What’s going on? She came into my life, and now I know who I am. I’ve become who I’m supposed to be only through the head-butting, only through having a person who’s like me, not me, opposite to me, in close.

As of 2021, around 25% of 40-year-old Americans are not married—the highest percentage ever recorded. In his book, Get Married: Why Americans Must Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization, Brad Wilcox argues that marriage is more important than ever for individuals and for the country. Based on his research he offers two reasons for the flight from marriage.

First, there’s what he calls the “Midas mind-set,” where too many younger Americans assume that life is about education, money, and especially work. One Pew study found that for Americans in general, 71% thought having a job or career they enjoy is the path toward fulfillment and getting married was the path for only 23%.

Wilcox was talking to a graduate student who had a clear plan for schooling and work, and then Wilcox asked, “What’s your plan about marriage and dating?” And there was silence. The student didn’t have a plan. Wilcox said, “I think that’s part of the challenge — that people are not being intentional enough about seeking opportunities to meet, date, and marry young adults in their world.”

Second, there’s what Wilcox calls the “soul mate myth”—the idea that there’s some perfect person out there waiting for you. Once you find them and love them and then marry them, you’ll have this perfect connection that engenders intense emotional connection, sense of romance, passion that in turn leads you to be happy and fulfilled most of the time. Wilcox argues, “Any kind of serious relationship, including marriage, is going to be at times deeply challenging and hard and require a lot of work.”

Forbes Advisor commissioned a survey of 1,000 Americans who are divorced or who are in the process of divorcing to discover why marriages fail. A total of 689,308 divorces occurred in 2021 and approximately half of all first marriages end in divorce with subsequent marriages failing at higher rates.

To understand the causes of divorce, it’s helpful to understand the reasons people marry:

• 42% - Financial security
• 39% - Companionship
• 36% - Love
• 34% - To start a family
• 28% - Convenience
• 25% - Medical Insurance
• 07% - Societal and family pressures

Only five percent of divorcees say there was no way their marriage could have been saved, the survey says. A whopping 63% said that having a better understanding of commitment prior to marrying could have helped them avoid divorce.

You can access the entire detailed survey here.

Possible Preaching Angle:

It is important to keep in mind that this survey was taken of society as a whole. With proper guidance in premarital counseling and personal growth toward spiritual maturity a believing couple would be much more likely to establish a solid marriage for life upon the proper foundations.

New York Times columnist David Brooks writes:

When I’m around young adults I like to ask them how they are thinking about the big commitments in their lives: what career to go into, where to live, whom to marry. Most of them have thought a lot about their career plans. But my impression is that many have not thought a lot about how marriage will fit into their lives.

The common operating assumption seems to be that professional life is at the core of life and that marriage would be something nice to add on top sometime down the road. It’s not that people are against marriage. Today, as in the past, a vast majority of Americans would like to tie the knot someday. It’s just that it’s not exactly top of mind.

Partly as a result of these attitudes, there is less marriage in America today. The marriage rate is close to the lowest level in American history. For example, in 1980, only 6% of 40-year-olds had never been married. As of 2021, 25% of 40-year-olds have never been married.

As Brad Wilcox writes in his vitally important book, Get Married:

Marital quality is, far and away, the top predictor I have run across of life satisfaction in America. Specifically, the odds that men and women say they are “very happy” with their lives are a staggering 545% higher for those who are very happily married, compared to peers who are not married or who are less than very happy in their marriages.

When it comes to predicting overall happiness, a good marriage is far more important than how much education you get, how much money you make, how often you have sex, and, yes, even how satisfied you are with your work.

Christian writer and pastor Sam Allberry tells the story of a friend who has a very bizarre spoon in his sugar bowl. It is a bit larger than a teaspoon, but it has a big hole in the middle, so it is unable to carry sugar, salt, cocoa, or pretty much anything for which you would need a teaspoon.

When he has people round, he enjoys watching them try to work out how to use it, and whether they are doing something wrong. Eventually he reveals that it’s an olive spoon, and that it is meant to have a hole in it so that you can drain the liquid as you lift the olive to your mouth.

Allberry relates this story to our sexuality. “You can’t make sense of the way the spoon is without understanding what it’s for.” And then comes the punchline: “It is true of my friend’s olive spoon and it is true of our sexuality.” In other words, you can’t understand God’s biblical commandments for sex until you know God’s design for sex.

In the early days of World War II, the stress of the war began to take its toll on Winston Churchill, the Prime Minister of England. His wife Clementine grew alarmed. A member of Churchill’s inner circle told her that Churchill’s sarcastic and over-bearing manner was starting to discourage his inner circle of leaders. Clementine decided to speak the truth in love.

“My darling Winston,” she began in a letter, “I must confess that I have noticed a deterioration in your manner; and you are not so kind as you used to be.” She cautioned that in possessing the power to give orders and to sack anyone and everyone, “he was obliged to maintain a high standard of behavior—to combine kindness and if possible Olympic calm.” She reminded him that in the past he had been fond of quoting a French maximum, meaning, essentially, “one leads by calm.”

She continued: “I cannot bear that those who serve the country and yourself should not love you as well as admire and respect you.” But she warned, “You won’t get the best results by irascibility and rudeness. It will breed either dislike or a slave mentality.” She closed the letter with these words: “Please forgive your loving, devoted and watchful Clementine.”

Apparently, the letter got through to Winston. The next day people reported that he seemed remarkably at ease. He lay in bed, propped up by his bed rest as he gazed adoringly at his cat, Nelson, sprawled out peacefully at the foot of the bed.

Marriage rates are at a record low in the United States, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. In 2021, only 50% of American adults live with a spouse, down from 70% in 1970.

People who don’t get married cite finances as the number one reason:

• Only 25% of Americans making less than $25,000 per year are married.
• 60% of individuals earning more than $125,000 are married.

Americans talk a lot about sex. Anyone would think they’re having a lot of it. Instead, the opposite has happened. Young people are having less sex—and are less happy—than the married, churchgoing generation before them.

The Atlantic observed, “The United States is in the middle of a ‘sex recession.’ Nowhere has this sex recession proved more consequential than among young adults, especially young men.”

In 2018, the number of American adults who said they hadn’t had sex in the past year rose to an all-time high of 23 percent. (Imagine what that number looked like in 2021). Predictably, the demographic having the least sex is those older than 60. But those having the second-least amount of sex are 18 to 29. Today’s young people are having significantly less sex than their parents are.

Of the 20,000 college students surveyed by the Online College Social Life Survey from 2005 to 2011, the median number of hookups over four years was only five—and a majority of students said they wished they had more chances to get into a long-term relationship.

Possible Preaching Angles:

Secular, unchurched people are longing for what the Bible offers—a rich, satisfying approach to sex rooted in the union of lifelong marriage.

A national survey in 2014 for the Austin Institute showed that:

56% of evangelicals between ages 20 and 39 were currently married. Only 42% of the rest of the same-age population were married.

A repeated survey in 2018 showed a decline for both:

51% of evangelicals 20 to 39 were married 40% of the same age in the general population were married.

From 2014 to 2018:

The number of evangelicals cohabiting rose from 3.9% to 6.7% In the general popular support for cohabitation went from 16% to 27%

Very few of the surveyed evangelicals believe that marriage is “outdated,” but a growing minority of them now perceive an alternative pathway to get there.

After being married for 68 years, Minnesota sweethearts died a day apart --a testament, their kids say, to their independence and devotion to each other. Robert and Corinne Johnson had moved to a farm in Norseland, Minnesota, two years after they wed as teens--where they raised their children and lived independently for 67 years.

They grew up within the same 3-mile radius that they raised their children and farm animals. Both were devoted to their children and their communities. The couple traveled thousands of miles across Minnesota to attend their seven children's sporting events. They were also active in their local church.

Robert was diagnosed with cancer, and Corrine later suffered congestive heart failure. She died Nov. 24 at 87; he died Nov. 25 at 88. Corinne's death left Robert distraught. Their son Bruce Johnson, a cancer doctor, told reporters, “I sort of thought he looked like he could go for weeks. (But) as soon as mom died, he went downhill and died in a day. It's hard to imagine it's a coincidence.” Corinne's obituary reads, "It seems only fitting that they would both pass into eternal life together, surrounded by those who loved them.”

An Indian bride called off her own wedding after getting a look at her groom for the first time on their wedding day. At a reception preceding the ceremony, the bride and groom both lifted their veils and saw one another for the first time. But the would-be bride didn’t like what she saw. According to local news reports, the woman complained the man was too dark-skinned and appeared to be too old. After the woman called off the wedding, the families that had arranged the marriage began fighting, stopping only when police were called to the scene.

In her book Confronting Christianity, Rebecca McLaughlin writes about her struggles with the concept of submitting to her husband (as found in Ephesians 5:22):

I came from an academically driven, equality-oriented, all-female high school. I was now studying in a majority-male college. And I was repulsed … I had three problems with this passage. The first was that wives should submit. I knew women were just as competent as men. My second problem was with the idea that wives should submit to their husbands as to the Lord. It is one thing to submit to Jesus Christ, the self-sacrificing King of the universe. It is quite another to offer that kind of submission to a fallible, sinful man. My third problem was the idea that the husband was the “head” of the wife. This seemed to imply a hierarchy at odds with men and women’s equal status as image bearers of God.

At first, I tried to explain the shock away … But when I trained my lens on the command to husbands, the Ephesians passage came into focus … When I realized the lens for this teaching was the lens of the gospel itself, it started making sense. If the message of Jesus is true, no one comes to the table with rights. The only way to enter is flat on your face. Male or female, if we grasp at our right to self-determination, we must reject Jesus, because he calls us to submit to him completely.

Ephesians 5 used to repulse me. Now it convicts me and calls me toward Jesus: the true husband who satisfies my needs, the one man who truly deserves my submission.

I have been married for a decade, and I am not naturally submissive. I am naturally leadership-oriented. I hold a PhD and a seminary degree, and I am the trained debater of the family. Thank God, I married a man who celebrates this! Yet it is a daily challenge to remember my role in this drama and notice opportunities to submit to my husband as to the Lord, not because I am naturally more or less submissive or because he is more or less naturally loving, but because Jesus went to the cross for me.

Contrary to popular opinion, married couples statistically don't have worse sex than singles, but better. In their groundbreaking study, The Case for Marriage, Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher point out that 40 percent of married people have sex twice a week, compared to 20 percent of single and cohabitating men and women. Over 40 percent of married women said their sex life was emotionally and physically satisfying, compared to about 30 percent of single women. Fifty percent of married men are physically and emotionally content versus 38 percent of cohabitating men.

A survey of sexuality conducted jointly by researchers at State University of New York at Stony Brook and the University of Chicago—called the "most authoritative ever" by U.S. News & World Report—found that of all sexually active people the most physically pleased and emotionally satisfied were married couples. The myth of our culture is that the single life is a life of great sex and the height of pleasure, but this is a lie.

Waite and Gallagher conclude: "Promoting marriage ... will make for a lot more happy men and women. Sex in America reported that married sex beats all else.”

Pastor Timothy Keller and his wife Kathy Keller wrote a book called The Meaning of Marriage. In it Kathy Keller gives an example of submission in a tough life choice:

In the late 1980s, our family was comfortably situated in a very livable suburb of Philadelphia where Tim held a full-time position as a professor. Then he got an offer to move to New York City to plant a new church. He was excited by the idea, but I was appalled. Raising our three wild boys in Manhattan was unthinkable! Not only that, but almost no one who knew anything about Manhattan thought that the project would be successful. I also knew that this would not be something that Tim would be able to do as a nine-to-five job. It would absorb the whole family and nearly all of our time.

It was clear to me that Tim wanted to take the call, but I had serious doubts that it was the right choice. I expressed my strong doubts to Tim, who responded, “Well, if you don’t want to go, then we won’t go.” However, I replied, “Oh, no, you don’t! You aren’t putting this decision on me. That’s abdication. If you think this is the right thing to do, then exercise your leadership and make the choice. It’s your job to break this logjam. It’s my job to wrestle with God until I can joyfully support your call.”

Tim made the decision to come to New York City and plant Redeemer Presbyterian Church. The whole family, my sons included, consider it one of the most truly “manly” things he ever did, because he was quite scared, but he felt a call from God. At that point, Tim and I were both submitting to roles that we were not perfectly comfortable with, but it is clear that God worked in us and through us when we accepted our gender roles as a gift from the designer of our hearts.

Possible Preaching Angle: Submission recognizes and affirms leadership. There’s a certain respectful and trusting quality about submission. A husband’s leadership in marriage should be self-sacrificial.

In her book The Significance of Singleness, Christina Hitchcock writes:

A journalist named Kate Bolick wrote an article for The Atlantic magazine looking at attitudes towards single women like her. She noted that many single women still long for marriage and have a fear of lifelong singleness. She says that she experienced "panicked exhaustion" around the age of 36. (She was 39 at the time of the article.) She felt an intense need to marry immediately, even if it meant settling for a less than desirable or "qualified" man. She interviewed several single women in their early 20s. When she asked them if they wanted to get married and if so at what age they all answered "yes" and that they wanted to be married by the age of 27 or 28. She reminded them of her own age (39) and suggested that they could still be single at that age. She asked, "Does that freak you out?" She reports "again they nodded." Then one of the young women "with undisguised alarm" whispered, "I don't think I can bear doing this for that long."

Possible Preaching Angles: This illustration captures the pain and honesty around singleness—for both men and women. But it also highlights the need for a better way to think about singleness, the high view of singleness found in the Bible.

In his book “Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel”, Ray Ortlund writes:

The key to understanding the sexual wisdom of [the Bible] is to combine both form and freedom, both structure and liberation. Conservative people love form and restraint and control. Progressive people love freedom and openness and choices. Both see part of the truth, but wisdom sees more. Wisdom teaches us that God gave us our sexuality both to focus our romantic joy and to unleash our romantic joy.

When our desires are both focused and unleashed—both form and freedom—our sexual experience becomes wonderfully intensified. A marriage can flourish within both form and freedom, because sex is like a fire. In the fireplace, it keeps us warm. Outside the fireplace, it burns the house down. Here's the message of the Bible: "Keep the fire within the marital fireplace, and stoke that fire as hot as you can."

Christopher Ash reflects on the testimony of Christian marriages in his book Married for God:

Some years ago a dispute arose in Britain between Foreign Office and the Treasury. The argument was about which British ambassadors would be provided with a Rolls-Royce for their official duties in a foreign capital. The Treasury unsurprisingly wanted these wonderful cars restricted to a few: perhaps Washington, Moscow, and Paris. The Foreign Office argued for many more based on the following reasoning: most people in a foreign capital have never been to Britain, they said. But when they see this magnificent car gliding through their streets with the United Kingdom flag on the hood, they will say to themselves, "I have not been to Britain. I don't know much about Britain. But if they make cars like that there … then Britain must be a wonderful place."

In a similar way, it is Christ's hope that men and women may say to themselves as they watch a Christian marriage, "I have never seen God, sometimes I wonder, when I look at the world, if God is good, or if there is a God. But if he can make a man and a woman love one another like this; if he can make this husband show costly faithfulness through sickness as well as health; if he can give him resources to love his wife with Christ-like sacrifice; well, then he must be a good God. And if Christ can give this wife grace to submit so beautifully, with such an attractive spirit, then again he must be a good God."

A collection of Einstein's letters auctioned off in 1996 contains a list of marital expectations for his wife, Maliva Maric. The list includes daily laundry "kept in good order," "three meals regularly in my room," a desk maintained neatly "for my use only," and the demand that she quit talking or leave the room "if I request it." The marriage ended in divorce, but the list lives on as an illustration … of assumptions commonly held about marriage in 1914.

Compared with Einstein's requirements, modern marital expectations have surely evolved for the better. Or have they? An insightful study theorizes that as people abandon religious institutions, they start expecting romantic relationships to satisfy a host of needs that formerly were satisfied through religion. If you think clean laundry and regular meals require effort, try meeting the demands of relationship-worship today by providing transcendence, unconditional love, wholeness, meaning, worth, and communion.

An article in First Things concludes:

The Western fixation on romantic love creates a crushing burden for mere mortals. It engenders a powerful myth regarding love, courtship, and marriage: that a fallible human partner can not only share our passions but sate our existential yearnings. Contemporary couples expect much more from marriage than it can realistically deliver … As Eli Finkel of Northwestern University observes, "most of us will be kind of shocked by how many expectations and needs we've piled on top of this one relationship."