I often do not understand who I am or what I do.

Calvin said that it is impossible to know myself without coming to know God—and impossible to know God without coming to know myself.

Yet I find in some ways the older I grow, the more a mystery I am.

I talked with a man recently who has attended our church for a long time, someone I respect and admire. He said that sometimes he got the feeling that I cared more about trying to get people outside our church to start attending than I care about the people who are actually here. And I found this pricked something tender inside me in ways that other criticisms might not.

Am I a visionary, an innovator, a leader boldly calling people on an adventure of change and mission? Or am I selfishly ambitious? Do I want to be pastor of a large church so I can feel successful and significant? Or am I both? And if I am—what are the percentages?

Paul said once, "I do not understand what I do." Many of Paul's teachings elude me, but not ...

Subscriber access only You have reached the end of this Article Preview
To continue reading, join now for free and get complete access.