Why Friends Disappear When You Reach Midlife
I thought we were friends.
At midlife I learned that I might have overstated some of these relationships a tad. It seemed that my BFFs had really been church and parenting co-workers.
Inspirational speaker Barbara Bartocci parsed the difference, noting, "People frequently think they have friends at work—or church or the tennis club or any location where like-minded people gather—when in fact what they have are 'work neighbors.' Once you move out of the 'neighborhood,' you're no longer thought about or included."
The hormonal drama of middle-school relationships or those first lonely weeks in a new town are nothing in comparison to the challenges of making new friends and keeping the old at midlife.
Like many other women, I had enjoyed a stable posse of friendships during my childrearing years. My pals and I compared notes about potty training, shuttled kids to one another's homes for play dates, cheered and coached and prayed for one another. I never doubted that our shared experiences and, in most cases, our shared faith, would be enough to cement our friendships for life.
Shifts at midlife threw us out of sync with one another. Our kids scattered, some to college, others into the workforce or the military. Some friends relocated or put new energy into their careers. A few marriages ended. The easiest way to deal with the new distance in these relationships was to make excuses for it ("How did we get so busy? Let's get a date on the calendar ASAP!") or to try to pretend nothing had changed.
In middle age, many women discover they're downsizing and moving into a brand-new neighborhood, so to speak. Midlife strips us of the things that formed our network of relationships back in the old neighborhood of our 20s and 30s: children's activities or the drive to find meaning in a career. This new life location can be lonely. No one I know is riding in a red convertible with her empty-nester Gal Pals, singing along to oldies while heading together to a beach house weekend. Most of us aren't looking for Gal Pals, anyway. We're simply looking for a few friends in our new neighborhood. Studies confirm what we intuitively know: loneliness is a serious issue with far-reaching consequences as we get older.
The standard friend-making advice offers motivational action steps: take a class, join a group, serve those in need in your community. In addition, Christians are encouraged to find fellowship at church, though they may discover that there aren't always as many age peers attending as they might hope.
The Seminary Gender Gap
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middlesage
You hit the nail on the head! Reevaluating everything in this phase of my life and not getting trapped in what I think I have to do....more in tune with what I FEEL I want to do. Love it.
Ardella Leger
what hed need if hed been in a similar situation. His caring actions contrast those whod chosen to live for the affirmation of others via their religious practice.
Sommer Luckett
what I needed. What a great perspective! Thanks for helping me "honor the honor the process of Gods transforming, maturing work" in my life.
Vivien Seaton
what hed need if hed been in a similar situation. His caring actions contrast those whod chosen to live for the affirmation of others via their religious practice.
Meriel Christensen
My husband died one year ago. I belong to 3 groups that are all made up of women. I have at least one best friend in each group and the rest are very good and loyal friends. Every woman needs to find a group of women with whom to share their lives . Mine are a game club, a group of deacon wives, and a small group of sorority sisters. I have been with these women from 20 to 50 years. Each group also encourages the members to be themselves. We learn from each other how to love ourselves. There is no time to be lonely. I know this isn't easy for some who must relocate for work but the world is full of single women so just keep looking in areas you are interested in.
Luvenia Lenz
our parents die, or our health fails, we may find we have little choice but to stop the striving to please others and give ourselves some attention.
Yohanna Puric
Thanks, Rahab. I'm glad you understand the 'special-ness' of praying/communing with the Lord in the land where He lived, died and rose again and in the place where His glory was physically visible. Somehow, He is feels nearer and more 'accessible'. Lord willing I'll be able to visit Israel again next year. I shall think of you in a very special way when I'm again at the Western Wall communing with the Lord and while on the Mount of Olives looking up at the sky thinking of His return on the very 'mount' where He ascended into heaven. May the Lord's love and peace envelop you always. Blessings Hadassah
leizel
Yes, this is one of the many helpful articles in this website. It's true that most of the programs/ministries in the church are geared for youth or couples. I am single, in my 40s. In our church here in Manila, Philippines, some of the single women past the age of 40s organized a ministry just to reach out to middle-aged single women, widows can join if they want because they are not married. There are also ministries/groups for single parents (men and women but mostly women) for senior citizens (men and women), for golden ladies (for 50s but don't want to join the seniors yet ;-). And also groups for those who have cancer/grave illnesses and we even have a program/group/ministry for those who have addictions, struggles with homosexuality. These groups/ministries are initiated not by the pastors/leaders but by dedicated Christian men/women who also experience/experiencing the trials and sufferings of these difficult situations and saw the need to establish a group/ministries catering to those needs to help others too.
JIm
I see a common lament; people don't love their neighbor. People don't reach out, consider the interests of others. We don't either, that's why so many of our friendships whither. It takes effort, and that effort becomes more needed as time goes by. I fully agree that relationships are important if we are to impact the world - so that effort is part of our service to God. We must constantly look for ways to connect with others. I do, however, see the benefit of realizing that this loss of friendships is a natural process and not a personal rejection of us! Everybody goes through this, and while it should be resisted it need not be a source of hurt feelings.
Ingrid Hewitt
I gathered with some friends to celebrate my 51st birthday this weekend. I thought about this article as I looked around the room at my friends in joyful thanks that I am so blessed. In the room were women ranging in age from their 20s to their 70s. We are lifelong singles, single moms, married with children, married and childless, and grandmothers, widowed and remarried, widowed, divorced and remarried, divorced, separated and praying for reconciliation, we are life long residents of the local area, we have moved across provincial lines repeatedly, and are immigrants from across the sea, we are athletes and disabled, in exuberant health and struggling with chronic illness, university graduates and triumphant adult ed high-school students. We know each other through our educations, through our workplaces, through our church involvement, through shared experiences of cancer, and through our neighbourhoods. We have known each other for our whole lives, and for less than a year. We love Jesus with our whole heart, we've only just met Him and some of us aren't interested at this point in Him at all. We are not a "lifestyle enclave" nor are we "work neighbours" we are the real deal. Friends who love each other through thick and thin, who bring casseroles and tissues in times of need, who weep together and rejoice together and lean on one another for support and prayer, laughter and celebration. A year ago my 85 year old aunt advised a gathering of younger women to not neglect their girlfriends during the busy years of career and childraising. "Many of us find ourselves widowed and on our own when we get older, and if we have not nurtured our friendships throughout our lives, we find this time to be very lonely." I'm nurturing auntie! I'm nurturing.
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