When Breast Cancer Leaves You Grasping for Words
As a religion professor, I spend my days talking—out loud and on paper—about the really big questions of life. My conversation partners, whether they are students, church members, friends, or family, are living those questions, sorting through inheritances, exploring the gaps, striving to be faithful to what they believe to be true. This profession of mine affords me the privilege of getting to talk about God in ways that are always informed by the questions, claims and wagers of others.
Then cancer came along and interrupted the conversation.
As an expert talker, I suddenly was no expert at all. A novice with a cancer story different from any other I knew. Breast cancer was the diagnosis, but my narrative didn't include finding a lump, removing a breast or losing any hair. A broken back triggered the stage IV cancer diagnosis and a lousy prognosis: five years out, 80 percent of those who have what I have are dead. My lack of expertise, unfamiliarity with the journey, and fear of what lay ahead conspired against me. Cancer left me tongue-tied, groping for words.
I sought out words from others more familiar with cancer than I. In one cancer memoir I read, the author writes about the scene in the exam room after she learns she has breast cancer. She looks at the doctor through her tears and whispers, "I'm sorry. I just don't know how to have cancer." The doctor puts his hand on her shoulder and says, "None of us knows how to have cancer."
Even the cancer experts don't know how to talk about cancer.
It's a humble and humbling claim, one I seek comfort in, both in terms of my own bewilderment over how to cope with cancer in my own life and in the lives of others, as well as the challenge of how to deal with those who mean well but offer little comfort at all.
I don't want to say it's all relative when it comes to cancer, but those of us with cancer experience and cope with the disease and its effects in wildly different ways. Some passionately protect their privacy; others are exceedingly public with the details. Some head to work every day during treatment; others' lives come to a halt. But something we all share is this: the havoc that cancer creates in our lives and in the lives of those who love—or simply interact with—us.
How, then, do you have cancer? And how do you talk about it?
On good days, when someone makes a comment I disagree with or says something insensitive or just plain wrong, I remind myself that none of us knows how to have cancer.
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cancer treatment
great blog, thank you for this amazing story!
Estell Matheny
Yet, I have also held my older sister in my arms as she received her diagnosis of breast cancer (by phone, no less) and wept with her. Sometimes weeping says so much more than words.
KATHLEEN L Kexel
Deanna, cancer is tough. Statistics can be terribly depressing. Stories of others' survival can sometimes seem just too Pollyannish. I'm a survivor of ovarian cancer who was given a 2% chance of surviving surgery. Now, I'm going on nine years cancer free. I still often feel I don't have the right to speak into other cancer patients' lives because the removal of that 40 pound tumor alsoe removed all my cancer and I did not require chemo or radiation. Yet, I have also held my older sister in my arms as she received her diagnosis of breast cancer (by phone, no less) and wept with her. Sometimes weeping says so much more than words.
susan
Powerful story Deanna, it is unfortunate that the cancer industry is so profit driven that great breakthroughs that don't fit the profit model get blocked. i pray you take a look at and share the information of a discovery at a large canadain University of a non toxic, effective and cheap cancer treatment that is in the process of getting suppressed by the drug companies and cancer charities. The University had to go to the public to raise funds for a small but sucessfull clinical trial. Not a cent from one charity as the end of cancer would be their undoing. When the world is at a point where it puts corporate profits ahead of human lives it is a sad time. There is a site trying to keep this discovery alive and has gathered all the published studies of this simple compound the site is www.dcawatch.com please take a look, it is a based on the Warburg effect and is very easy to understand. God bless Susan
Robyn Widmer
When in doubt my default response is, "I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. What can I do to help make your life easier?"
Lesley
Thank you, Deanna, for your honesty. You write so well-- with and appropriate mix of authority and vulnerability. Thank you for putting into words how my husband and I have felt this past year as he walked through cancer. People's responses to cancer can sometimes make the journey seem harder, sometimes it makes it seem easier.
bennett willis
I had an uncommon medical problem a few years ago. I was very "public" about it and mentioned it to a member of our nursing faculty. Her reply: "Bummer! What are you doing about it." I still think this was the best response I ever received. Thoughts and best wishes, along with prayers.
Deanna Thompson
Thanks for the responses to my post about the challenges of living with and talking about cancer. I find that it's persistently difficult to find the "right" words, because as Karen and Suzanne suggest, the context is always changing, and while one person may want to talk for hours about their pain, others would rather die than say out loud how they're feeling about the pain they're experiencing. Congratulations to Rick on the healing you've experienced in your life. I hope that this will be my story too in the years to come. Just like you, I have hands laid on me frequently in our church, and I believe that the great volumes of prayers my behalf are integral to why I'm doing so well today. At the same time, I know of many others who've been prayed for and who have not gotten better, which is another dimension of why talking about living with cancer is such a challenge. In my book I have a chapter called, "The Trouble with Miracles," where I talk about how, amidst the avalanche of prayers, I got better while at the same time, a colleague's husband (also amidst an abundance of prayers) got sicker and died. It's hard to find words that adequately address both of those realities simultaneously. Suzanne expressed interest in being able to know how I'm doing. I appreciate the interest! For those who are interested in following my story, I also have a Caringbridge website where I give updates on how I'm doing. Here's the link: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/deannathompson
Rick Dalbey
Deanna, I had a diagnosis of Idiopathic Cardiomyopathy, or heart failure, 12 years ago. I was told most people with this diagnosis die in 5 years, there is no cure. So I want to suggest prayer for healing and I dont do that lightly. I have been there. Jesus not only comissioned the 12 and the 70 disciples to lay hands on the sick and heal them, He comissioned the entire church in Mark 16. We see the next generation of the church in Acts 5:16 and it says ALL were healed. God placed gifts of healing in the Church and also gave healing as an office in 1st Corinthians 12:28. I would go to a Christian church that has a joyful belief in healing (and a track record) and request the laying on of hands. If you live on the west coast Id suggest Bethel Church in Redding California, if on the East coast I would suggest Randy Clarks church in Mechanicsburg, PA. Healing is not dependent on your faith or holiness, it has more to do with the faith of those praying (Matthew 17:19, James 5:16). God heals today, I was healed (I can run 7 miles, lift weights etc) and we are seeing many with cancer, diabetes and other illnesses healed in our church in Oregon. I just want to encourage you.
SUZANNE OLIVER
Deanna, you are a brave woman. My heart goes out to you, and my prayers are offered on your behalf. I've had much grief in my life and am very familiar with saying the wrong thing. I thought I'd be such an expert when speaking with someone who had lost a spouse, but on the two occasions when the conversation was purely for that purpose, I said the most unbelievably stupid things. I think it's a gift ;-) I hope we get to hear how you're doing. [Sarah, will you keep us updated?} Kyrie eleison. Suzanne
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