TLC
Let Pastors' Wives Do Their Own Thing
TLC, known for Sister Wives and 19 Kids and Counting, has added a new outrageous piece of real-life drama to its roster: The Sisterhood, a reality show that follows five pastors' wives in Atlanta.
The women are all megachurch stars-in-training, in outfits that belong on Real Housewives and attitudes to match. Like in many African American churches, they refer to themselves as the "first ladies" of their congregations, and fame follows wherever they go.
I suppose it was inevitable. Reality television has commoditized girls who compete in pageants (Toddlers and Tiaras), young men and women looking for love (The Bachelor), and pregnant teenagers (Teen Moms). The phenomenon of a pastor's wife — and a Southern one at that — was probably ripe for the filming. It's an incredibly sad thing.
It is an antiquated and strange notion to view a woman as an extension of her husband's occupation. Yet for some reason, we insist on doing this with pastor's wives. There are websites, conferences, and resources galore for pastors' wives, as if they signed up for some kind of apprenticeship when their husbands became pastors.
There is no other occupation — besides, perhaps, being the actual First Lady — in which a spouse is so defined by what her husband does. I cannot think of a single instance in which a woman was expected to give up her gifts and calling in service of her husband, the dentist. Or lawyer. Or plumber. But a woman who is married to a pastor will inevitably face expectations about her role in the congregation that have nothing to do with how she is gifted by God.
(I am using "he/him" pronouns here to talk about pastors. I realize, with great excitement, that more and more women are becoming pastors. The problem I am addressing here, over pastors' wives, is mostly related to men in the job of pastor.)
In a white paper entitled "The Role of the Pastor's Wife: What Does the Bible Teach?" Leschenne Rebuli and Kevin Gary Smith write, "the Scriptures do not in any way define or prescribe the role of the pastor's wife." They then go on to make a case for inferring a framework for her role, looking at passages such as Ephesians 5 and Proverbs 31. I don't agree with all of their conclusions, but they do reference what Paul wrote about in 1 Corinthians 12 — namely, that all Christ-followers have spiritual gifts that they must pursue in the journey toward honoring God:
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audrey ruth
S Griffin, I think Tim Fall's point was that there is no Biblical precedent (thus, no reason) for calling pastors' wives First Ladies. I have attended black churches where that did not happen. I have also attended a black church whose pastor is a woman, and her husband is not called the First Gentleman. It is also true that not all of the women in this TV show are black. Two of them are Caucasian.
S Griffin
Tim Fall, you do realize that in black churches the pastor's wife is referred to as the "First Lady"? Not sure when it started but that's how it's been since I was a child. You also have a "Church Mother" who is the oldest mother in the church.
audrey ruth
Having watched a few of these episodes and praying for these women (and their husbands and churches) as I did so, I have to agree with Jim Ricker. It saddens me to see such blatant (and not only accepted, but even expected) materialism in these families and churches. The "kingdom" statements some of these women make seem to imply that they are above reproach -- I don't see much humility here. One husband/former pastor said something to the effect of "You haven't been married until the law has been called to your house." Really??? The pastor's wife who wanted a ritzy bachelorette party before she and her husband renewed their vows, and proceeded to come on to strange men during it, before she looked up her former pimp (I'm not kidding) almost took the cake. But, really, the worst thing of all seems to be the hateful attitudes/downright cattiness among these women. I don't see any "sister" relationships at all -- mainly what seems to be rivalries. It's beyond sad.
JULIA STEIN
I am a wife and a pastor. It occurred to me while reading this article that perhaps the men out there who are finding themselves "pastor's wives" may be able to help buck the steriotype of what it looks like to be the spouse of a pastor.
Loreli Cockram
I am a pastor's wife... This article REALLY made me process what my "role," "position," "identity" is! There are stereotypes of pastor's wives that have clouded the way and I'd like to propose a NEW understanding. Had to write a blog about it: http://wp.me/phCVA-zf Thanks for getting the conversation started! *Loreli*
Deserie Fernandez
I thought the show was pretty on point.I give them props for being who they are on tv.They are more fearless than most christians I come across.They are on their own journey and own it. God is working stuff out in their lives & its a process. Although most pastors wives did not sign up for the position of pastors wives just demonstrating simple kindness isn't too much of a stretch is it?I have yet to come across a pastors wife who isnt bitter, over assuming, super "discerning", afraid,wearing a mask, controlling and/or just completely non existent.We are all role models influencers to some extent. If a pastors wife does not want to be in the spotlight I say just be real and say so. Maybe then people will be more willing to be who they really are too. Honesty is the best policy and no one can do it all. Im not here to be your everything-the end. I have way more respect for that then people being non existent or wearing the mask of elitism
Rachel Stephan Simko
"It is an antiquated and strange notion to view a woman as an extension of her husband's occupation. Yet for some reason, we insist on doing this with pastor's wives." This is why, every time my husband confesses he wants to become a pastor, I fill with anxiety. Ultimately, we'll do it if God really wants us to, but I absolutely cringe from the idea. I've seen what churches can do to pastors and their families, and I am NOT a typical "pastor's wife," nor will I ever be. My consolation is in witnessing the un-pastor-wifey-ness of my own pastor's wife and how everyone still loves her. It CAN be done, but it is not without struggle. (evenonesparrow.blogspot.com)
Jessica Parker
This article affirms my recent hope to offer Life Coaching to the population of pastor's wives! I absolutely believe that a wife of a pastor has been made uniquely for a purpose, which is not only to support her husband, but to also fulfill the purposes God has given her because of the passions He has laid on her heart! If you are a wife of a pastor and would like to explore this, please contact me! I would love to help! www.coachjes.com. I'm so thankful this article was written!
Hannah Anderson
As the wife of a pastor, I appreciate your caution that we not lose our individual personhood to a role or expections of a congregation. However, I have to disagree that being the wife of a pastor is the same as being married to a man in any other profession. Unless of course, your family is expected to show up at his workplace three times a week. Truth is there are a lot of professions were the line between family and work blur. And really, being a doctor or a lawyer is not like any otber profession either. Perhaps instead, we can give each other the space to draw boundaries that work for us as couples. That may mean that a wife is heavily involved or not, but we must allow for a variety of circumstamces and personalities.
Nancy Lee
When I married my husband, he was a teacher, and since then he's changed careers and is now a pastor who specializes in counseling. When he first began working at our church, we got to meet with our head pastor and his wife, and they asked about fears or concerns. I told them I felt there might be new expectations that I start teaching Sunday school or playing piano (none of which are gifts/abilities of mine!). They were WONDERFUL, and encouraged me to keep on pursuing the unique callings on my life, which include leading a ministry that reaches out to women who work in our city's sex industry. While my church leadership has this attitude, I know many do not, and women married to pastors are under tremendous pressure (especially those whose husbands are the only pastor on staff). They deserve freedom from human demands to be a certain kind of woman (whatever that is) so they can be freed to fulfill God's call on their lives.
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