I've been accused of many things on the web (don't we bloggers subject ourselves to much criticism?), but two weeks ago saw a first: Regular Her.meneutics contributor Sharon Hodde Miller compared my personal blog post "10 Reasons He's Not Calling You," excerpted from the book Have Him at Hello, to a "Cosmo checklist," calling it a prime example of how not to help single women. I generally agree with Miller, that blaming women for their own singleness is not helpful. But I'd also argue that blaming men for being, well, men, is equally unhelpful. I've noticed this trend in Christian circles as of late.
There is no shortage of op-eds complaining about the lack of good men, a new study about men falling behind in the workforce, or another lamenting the marriage crisis because men won't grow up and get a real job. In the most recent Internet skirmish, author Suzanne Venker claimed a war on men is in full-force—and that women are actually to blame for the lack of marriageable men. She asserts that the rise of women has changed the dance between the sexes, and that men apparently do not want to be married because "women aren't women anymore." We allegedly aren't feminine or appealing enough, and are pushing men away with our career achievements.
From the Christian women I see around me, Venker misses the mark entirely. Christian women in general are still exuding feminity and not giving away free sex—but men are still not readily willing to give up their bachelor pads and buy a ring. So what's the problem? Are men to blame?
But Venker is correct about one point: There is, in essence, a war on men in the sense that men are often blamed for the current state of our relationships. It's become acceptable for women, including Christian women, to stand around and toss verbal grenades at men for all our dating woes. "There are no good men anymore"; "All men are jerks"; "Men these days are pathetic"; "If he would man up, I might have a shot at love." Don't get me wrong: There are plenty of jerks out there, and one of my life passions is to help women know how to identify them before it's too late. I've been accused once or twice of being too hard on men, so I'm speaking from experience, not judgment.
When I was in college, I spent the better part of two years hanging out with Christian men in a fraternity. I watched as my friends were asked to date party after date party, formal after formal—and grew more and more resentful. Other guys were asking me out, but the Christian men didn't express interest. I became dismissive, flippant, and frustrated. By the time I was a senior, I was so hurt from being overlooked that in front of a Christian guy friend I announced, "I've never been asked to anything!"
I tried to play it off as a joke, but my words barely masked how hurt I really was. I look back and feel certain that all those years my belief that "no good man would ever ask me out" surfaced in my conversations with men. I vacillated between blaming men and then believing terrible lies about myself, gripping onto my "I don't need you anyway" attitude. It hurt to feel overlooked, and bitterness grew deep. Eventually, I started blaming men for my singleness because that hurt less than assuming I may have played a part.
Many of you struggle to know in your heart that you are worth loving; my heart breaks thinking about you tossing and turning with the question, "Why haven't I been chosen?" I don't take your pain lightly. However, it's what you do with the pain that is pivotal. Blaming men doesn't solve the problem—it only adds to it. Sitting around with our girlfriends talking about the nonexistence of good men erodes our attitudes and can show up in conversations with men. Falling back on the infamous "I'm single because there are no good men left" is excusing our bitterness and potential contribution to the problem.
I understand the statistics have made many lose hope—but don't let statistics become an excuse not to put yourself out there, examine your difficult personality traits, or read books or lists about finding a spouse. I understand that God never promises us a spouse more than he promises good health or retirement at age 60. However, he has promised that he is faithful to us, that he is for us, and we are called to hold unswervingly to hope in him.
In this way, it is imperative we remain hopeful of good men and not attack our brothers whether it's at dinner with our girlfriends, in the subtle lies we believe about men, or letting men "have it" on the internet. What if we opened our hearts up to all the emotions that come with singleness and stopped trying to blame anyone? What if we adopted an attitude of grace toward men and made it a point to offer life-giving words they all long to hear: "You have what it takes"; "You are a good man"; and "I respect you." What if?
Last week, I struck up a conversation with a beautiful African American woman in line at a local sandwich shop. She told me her story of meeting her husband—marveling that even though "most black men aren't living right," God gave her "an amazing family man." I don't think it's a coincidence that she shared her "God story" with me. It's easy for me to give up hope for all my single friends as well. In my conversation with the woman in line, I remembered how important it is not to lose hope—to extend grace instead of resentment to our brothers—and reclaim faith in a God who is bigger than statistics.
Ruthie Dean is a publicist for HarperCollins-Christian and lives in Nashville with her husband. She wrote the top-read Her.meneutics post of 2012, "Real Women Don't Text Back and blogs at RuthieDean.com."
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Yvonne Ziats
Dating today in general is VERY tough. And even more so if you are a Christian. I am a divorced single mom and I have been single a while now. At first it was difficult and I felt like I just have to search for someone. And like most woman (I see from other comments) I wondered what is wrong with me? But as time went I realized my focus was so on the wrong thing! And then I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and I read a most important line about doing something with your singleness instead of trying to fix it. So I gave it up. Now I do not even look. I am focused on what advantages I have being single. Especially being a single mom and how I can use that for God. I used to blame men and other women. But then I realized my singleness is SUCH a blessing =)
carlene byron
Apologies if a similar comment has already appeared above in this thread. I dated a lot before I became a Christian. I didn't get asked out ONCE after I was baptized at the age of 26. Until 10 years later, when I met on a missions trip the man who was going to propose marriage to me. And he had completely given up on dating for nearly as long. We "dated" long-distance for 18 months, then married at 38 and 40 years; first marriage for both. Seek to be where God wants you to be and your spouse will be in that place.
prem Kurian
@Basil - You can opt to take the worst possible meaning from a statement someone makes or you could opt to try and understand what the person actually said. I think you have chosen the first option. Philip is responding to someone who has stopped going to church altogether because some people upset her. He is only asking her if she may be called to a different place - perhaps a different church. Why find fault with that question? Or are you just being bitter?
Basil
@ Melanie Yes somethings are beyond our control. But there are things one can do to increase the likelihood of something happening. For example if I loose my job the first thing I would do is send out resumes, applications and hang round places that have help wanted signs in front of their businesses. If this is an ongoing concern you you you might wish to look into a local Christian singles group. (Many larger churches have them) I cant guarantee anything would happen but as I said before it could increase the likelihood of meeting someone and even making more friends.
Melanie
As a single 32 year old woman, I don't believe it is any man's fault that I am single. My plan was to be married between 18-20 and start having children by 22. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Why could I attract guys that didn't meet my list of God approved qualities. Namely I attracted non-Christian guys who weren't shy about admitting they wanted me in bed. They didn't want a wife, they wanted a bed buddy. Then I considered what compromises I could make. If I could find a Christian guy maybe I would allow him to go physically further if he wanted to so I could keep his attention. I quickly tossed that idea. I wasn't prepared to compromise myself for any guy. So here I am a few years later still wondering when it is going to happen for me. I believe it is God's plan for my life because He gave me a deep desire to marry and have children. I don't have a negative attitude towards men. I appreciate them and their place in my life. Despite being a sports-loving girl, I think I come across as feminine enough. I don't know many single Christian men. There are none in my relatively small church. I don't work with any Christian men. The simple answer would be to wait for God to deliver the perfect guy for me to my door. I don't think it is that easy though.
Melanie
As a single 32 year old woman, I don't believe it is any man's fault that I am single. My plan was to be married between 18-20 and start having children by 22. I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Why could I attract guys that didn't meet my list of God approved qualities. Namely I attracted non-Christian guys who weren't shy about admitting they wanted me in bed. They didn't want a wife, they wanted a bed buddy. Then I considered what compromises I could make. If I could find a Christian guy maybe I would allow him to go physically further if he wanted to so I could keep his attention. I quickly tossed that idea. I wasn't prepared to compromise myself for any guy. So here I am a few years later still wondering when it is going to happen for me. I believe it is God's plan for my life because He gave me a deep desire to marry and have children. I don't have a negative attitude towards men. I appreciate them and their place in my life. Despite being a sports-loving girl, I think I come across as feminine enough. I don't know many single Christian men. There are none in my relatively small church. I don't work with any Christian men. The simple answer would be to wait for God to deliver the perfect guy for me to my door. I don't think it is that easy though.
Basil
Maybe we should blame Josh Harris :)
Deborah
I have to admit I used to blame men from time to time for my singleness, but worse, I blamed God. I used to tell him that if he was really God he could have a great Christian man ask me out. When I was praying last year about what God was saying to me for 2012, he gave me Proverbs 18:22, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD." Being a single woman I thought it strange that he would give me this passage, but as the year unfolded it became a challenge to me. I began to ask myself, "Am I living my life in such a way that the special man I meet would consider me God's favor?" And am I dating people that I would consider God's favor to me? Thus began my journey to becoming healthy physically, spiritually, and financially. During this period God in his loving kindness revealed to me that I was blame him and everyone else for my singleness when in reality, it was me. Hiding beneath all of the lays of masks was someone was terrified to let down her walls enough to let a real man close to me. I had to repent for all of the years I blamed God and he loving stood by my side. Now I see dating and men in a completely different light and for the first time in my life I'm enjoying dating and meeting quality Christian men who were there all along, but couldn't see through my fear. Thank you for sharing this post and your thoughts. It's hard to put yourself out there. Keep blogging. We need you.
Rick B
There are a lot of factors at play in all of this. One is that many in my generation & the one right after (I am 34) have been raised on all of these Disney fairy tales & American Christianity. We have these glossy notions of what relationships should be like, & they tend to be unrealistic. I read an article about settling, a woman was talking about men she had known years ago refusing their pursuits because she "didn't want to settle." They were good guys, but not "the one." Looking back she wished she had decided what she really needed in a husband - someone who respected her, loved the Lord, & worked hard & few other things. Then she would've seen these men in such a better light. Are you perfect? No. Will he be? No. The question is will you both work on the relationship? Both communicate? Serve each other? Serve the Lord? And another big, but often times over looked & poorly understood, issue is divorce. I, and so many other good Christian men out there, are products of broken & often dysfunctional families. We have a hard time starting relationships (at least good ones) because we have no idea what they are supposed to look like. And we do not want to continue the type of pain we went through for so many years. And we are broken, too, often not knowing it or how to address it. I didn't grasp I was from a dysfunctional family until I was 23 being interviewed by the IMB. That clarified SO much for me. But I also have to say the guy bashing never helps. Its one thing to talk about 'a' guy & maybe how he hurt you & your experiences. But lumping guys together hurts those of us who you know are not like that. We could do the same. I got hurt by a girl who I thought I knew (we had been friends for years), & it winds up that she is manipulative & loves drama & will make it if its not there. She plays games & does not even realize what shes doing. And I know more like that. But I can not say "those women" & include all of them, since I know not all are like that. I know I will be a good husband & a good father. I am currently dating a pretty amazing girl. She's not perfect, praise the lord, but she is good. She knows I am not either. And shes relaxed, easy going, not uptight about life. I have high hopes. Blessings all my sisters & brothers.
Ashley Atkins
Please forgive my autocorrected errors. Ha! Oh the irony. Now, which man can I blame for them??! :)
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