Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him’ ” (Gen. 2:18, NASB). So God fashioned a woman and brought her to the man and they became one flesh. Jesus drew the obvious conclusion: “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt. 19:6, NASB). God’s ideal for the human race was firmly established at the outset: one man and one woman together for life. Marriage is the usual pattern to follow. It is God’s means for perpetuating the human race and for bringing children to maturity. And permanency in marriage was God’s intention.
While marriage is the usual pattern, however, it is not the only acceptable pattern. Jesus spoke of those who have been given the gift of celibacy (Matt. 19:10–12). Paul encouraged some to remain single in order to give themselves more completely to the things of Christ (1 Cor. 7:8, 26, 32–35). And Jesus and Paul were both single. Singleness is a normal way of life that can be satisfying and fulfilling. In the last census (1970) there were 22 million Americans over eighteen who had never married.
While permanency in marriage is God’s will and we should never stop working toward that goal, human beings are sinful and fall short of God’s standard in every area. Marriage is, obviously, one of these areas; divorces now occur at the rate of about a million a year. Society’s permissive attitude toward divorce is affecting the evangelical Christian community as well, and there are divorced persons in our churches. We may have differing opinions about the scriptural view of divorce and remarriage, but one thing is certain: God has not turned his back on the casualties of a broken marriage. He still loves them and seeks to minister to their needs.
If we add the widowed to our list of those never married and those formerly married, we find that a sizable segment of the population is single—43 million in the United States at the last count, or one out of three adults. The percentage may be nearly that high in many of our churches. Are we not obligated to minister to single adults the way we do to children and families?
There are problems, admittedly. The Church is one of the world’s most family-related institutions, and it seems to have to contend with a persistent prejudice against singles. The unmarried become the objects of embarrassing matchmaking efforts. If they resist these efforts, they may be suspected of being immature, or maladjusted, or even homosexual. It seems difficult for most married people to accept the fact that some people may have willingly and prayerfully chosen to be single.
The prejudice against the formerly married is even greater. Strong feelings against divorce are often transferred to the divorced persons themselves. At the time in their lives when they most need the encouragement of other believers, they feel shunned. One whose mate dies usually has the support and sympathy of his other fellow Christians, but one who faces the equally traumatic death of marriage by divorce may be condemned and treated as an outcast. Married couples sometimes view the divorced person as a threat. Adult Sunday-school classes and social units may let the divorced person know in subtle ways that he is not welcome.
Some singles may have personal peculiarities. Some may not have married because of low self-esteem, fear of getting close to another person, or some other emotional problem. But certainly there are married people with similar problems or idiosyncrasies, and we do not let that keep us from ministering to them.
Some divorced persons may have exceptional traits also. They may be carrying a heavy load of guilt that adversely affects their relations with other people. They may not yet have acknowledged their share of responsibility for the failure of the marriage nor accepted God’s forgiveness. They may be harboring bitterness against their former mates or resentment against God for not making their marriages succeed. These negative attitudes do not contribute to the spiritual strength of the church. But there are husbands and wives living together with equally destructive attitudes, and we do not let that keep us from ministering to them.
A further problem in ministering to singles may be that the church does not have a staff person to lead the program. But many successful singles’ ministries are led by dedicated laypeople who have a deep concern for people and their needs. God will provide the leadership necessary for the work he wants to do.
When singles are asked about their problems, their first response is almost always the same: loneliness. Certainly a person can be lonely while married, but there is an intense feeling of aloneness that often engulfs the single. This is particularly true of divorced persons. Forsaken by their mates, perhaps alienated from their friends and rejected by their churches, they feel that they are all alone in the world and that nobody really understands how they feel. They may even feel rejected by God for failing in marriage. They need Christian friends who will be there, listen to them, assure them that their feelings are normal, encourage them with hope for the future. Friends who will let God care through them can help to fill the void in the divorced person’s life and guide him or her back into a close relationship with the Lord. We need to teach the people in our churches to be that kind of friend.
A second problem that singles often mention is their lack of a sense of self-worth. Those who wanted to marry but didn’t may think they have been passed over because they are not worth having. The formerly married may feel useless and discarded, as if nobody will ever want them again. Their sense of failure and guilt over the broken marriage further lowers their self-esteem. Some withdraw in self-pity. Others compensate by hyperactivity and heavy dating; that often compounds their problems by getting them involved with the wrong people or leading them to marry unwisely on the rebound. Acceptance by Christians and loving biblical counsel can help them accept God’s forgiveness and accept themselves and their new situation in life. Giving them opportunities for service in the church can help to make them feel worthwhile and useful again. Some singles complain that their churches let them type the bulletins, care for the nursery, and cut the grass but will not let them relate to people. Yet divorced persons who have grown spiritually through their trial may be those who are best able to help others in similar circumstances.
A third problem is a lack of direction in life. Those who hope to marry may see their single state as temporary and put off making major decisions. They may need guidance in facing the possibility that God wants them to remain single and in seeking his direction for the future. The formerly married find themselves in a sea of uncertainty. They may need counsel on such matters as vocation, managing money, relations with their former mates, dating standards, coping with sexual desires and temptations, and remarriage. Studies have shown that divorced people who were in neurotic marriages nearly always remarry into the same type of neurotic relationship (Christian Medical Society Journal, Winter, 1976, p. 4). And the U.S. Census Bureau verifies that second marriages have less of a chance of succeeding than first marriages (59 per cent of second marriages and 37 per cent of first marriages fail).
A fourth major problem concerns the children of the divorced. Single parents may grow to resent having no one with whom to share the responsibilities of child-rearing, no one to relieve them of parental chores when they are tired. The church can provide counsel to help single parents with the difficult task of raising children alone. We can encourage two-parent families to invite one-parent families into their homes and involve them in family activities. The children need to see what complete family units are like—the struggles and tensions as well as the pleasures. They need to see good models of the parent they lack in order to develop healthy views of love, marriage, and family. We can also provide more social events involving both one-parent and two-parent families. We can encourage two-parent families to take care of the single parent’s children on occasion so that he or she can get away to a helpful meeting or just get a break from the constant pressures of running a household alone. If our churches are caring communities, as God wants them to be, we will be serving one another in love.
Groups designed especially for the singles in the church can help to meet their needs, though such groups should not replace the involvement of singles with the broader church family. The existence of a singles’ group tells them that the church cares about them. Such a group exposes them to persons who are willing to listen without condemnation as they share their feelings and frustrations. It offers hope by assuring them that others have been through the same experiences and are finding fulfillment in life. It offers practical help in dealing with problems by putting them in touch with people who have handled similar problems successfully. It encourages them to accept their station in life and get on with the business of living.
Walking through the door into a singles’ group for the first time, especially after a divorce, may be a hard thing to do. Some may view it as an admission of failure. Others see it as an announcement of availability, a way of saying “I am looking for a mate.” Still others feel that their situation is unique, that other singles are different and they do not want to be identified with them.
But proper goals and prayerful planning can help remove the stigma. Here are some suggestions. First, encourage members of the group to kindle a friendly spirit that reaches out to other singles. People need people, and close friendships can be a substitute for the companionship of marriage. Friends can be a person’s greatest asset in the days that follow the loss of a mate. Members of a singles’ group should cultivate a caring spirit and communicate it to persons outside the group. They shouldn’t simply wait for those in need to come to them. Friendly, outgoing singles who care about others will help to erase some of the misconceptions about singles’ groups.
Second, avoid any emphasis on matchmaking or dating. Some will inevitably pair off and “graduate” from the group. But that is not its purpose. Singles need to know that they can converse with one another, share their feelings, and cultivate friendships apart from the pressures and game-playing that romance and dating often entail. Foster a Christian brother-sister atmosphere in which men and women can confide in one another without feeling any pressure to date. If it becomes obvious that a social parasite has joined the group, one whose sole interest is to use the group as a source of dates, deal with him or her firmly and decisively.
Third, be sure some activities of the singles’ group involve the children of singles as well. Children may resent the time their parent gives to the group unless they themselves are benefiting from it. Plan social events that include the children. Encourage the singles with children to help one another. For example, one single man invited the two sons of a single woman to accompany his son and him to a ball game. By doing this he helped to provide a much-needed father image for those boys without the threat they might feel if he came into their home.
Fourth, provide continuity of leadership and supervision, whether from mature singles within the group or from a loving Christian couple with a burden for singles who will work with them rather than tell them what to do. There is often a heavy turnover in attendance at singles’ meetings. Somebody has to be there all the time, available to listen to the newcomer pour out his bitter story, to introduce him to the people who will be of greatest help to him, to encourage and support those with unusual needs. God has used faithful and unselfish leaders like this to mend and redirect countless lives.
Finally, be prepared to minister to persons in various states of spiritual growth and with a wide variety of spiritual needs. When needy people find a place where they feel welcomed by others who care about them and have help to offer, they will come. Make the ministry of God’s Word central in every regular meeting, for the Word has something powerful to say to every person, no matter what his or her spiritual condition. The Word, faithfully applied in the wisdom of the Spirit, can meet needs and change lives. Its message is the greatest help we can offer.
