“Grayson, sometimes you just rattle on and on and say nothing. Are you aware you do that?” I was only sixteen at the time, and the minister who made those comments was twice my age. I was hurt, but I respected the man; and after I thought about what he said, I knew he was right.
Teen-agers spend a large part of their time collecting data from friends, family, and even enemies in order to gain insight about themselves. Solving the identity crisis is a normal part of growing up. We never totally outgrow this need to discover more about who we are. Unfortunately, the intensity of the search diminishes after those formative teen-age years, and we spend the rest of our lives making do with an incomplete picture of ourselves. Thus, we’re unable to deal with some very crucial questions:
¥ How do other people see me?
¥ What thoughts go through their minds when they encounter my name?
¥ To what degree does my commitment to Christ and his church suffer from a lack of balanced selfperceptions?
¥ What can I do to accelerate the process of becoming a better person?
These questions took on a special importance for me as I approached my fortieth birthday. There’s really nothing special about reaching that year unless you anticipate an early mid-life crisis. From all I could tell, I wasn’t in a crisis or afraid to face one. My pastoral experience has helped me accept the complicated problems people face at all stages of life.
Rather, it seemed like achieving forty meant I had the opportunity to start a new decade-a decade that would probably mark the halfway point of my adult life. What gave this halfway mark special significance was the realization that the coming years would represent whatever final contribution I was going to make to mankind.
Reflecting on the above questions, I concluded that what I really wanted to know was, “How well does my self-image coincide with the image others have of me?” That prompted me to action. I didn’t want to guess about how others viewed me; I wanted an immediate reading so I could plug that information into my lifestyle for the next twenty years.
One of the fortunate aspects of professional life is that self-improvement opportunities are readily available. Unfortunately, these opportunities are often ignored, although most individuals say they would like to improve themselves.
Counseling is probably the “easiest” and most accessible route to self-improvement because it can be as convenient as a church, a clinic, or a private counselor. Therapy groups are another avenue of self-information. Many sources offer growth workshops. These three approaches (and there are many more) have varying degrees of effectiveness. Most provide some insight into personal strengths and weaknesses, skills and inadequacies, and should be considered by those who want to experience personal growth.
There is, however, an overlooked source of such information much closer to home that is available, accessible, and inexpensive. It was to this untapped market that I reached out on my fortieth birthday. I had previously availed myself of professional aids to worthwhile effect. What I now wanted was insights that could come only from those who knew, or felt they knew me well. To those I wrote the following letter:
March 1, 1977
Dear Friend,
At the end of March I will celebrate my fortieth birthday. I have been thinking about several things in relation to this event. The most important thought has been about the direction of my life during the next forty years, or whatever time might remain to me.
I have never sought (and seldom received) responses from the people around me as to howthey perceive me. Therefore, I would like to ask you and a number of other persons to do two things for me in preparation for this event. Would you please jot down a couple of my strengths that I should cultivate, and a couple of weaknesses which I should address as I prepare for the second half of my life? (Sort of a see-ourselves-as-others-see-us input.)
If I can receive candid feedback from friends, fellow workers, business associates, and relatives, I can face the rest of my life and its tasks more intelligently and productively.
I am very serious in my request, and I’d be very grateful if you would take the time to help me with this self-examination.
I have enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Thank you for your time and your help.
Peace,
Grayson Atha
I sent this letter to forty people, being careful to include those who did not hold me in high regard. Several of the letters were to persons in my congregation: friends, family, and colleagues with whom I live, work, and play, but to whom I seldom go for evaluation for personal growth.
It is not unusual to receive evaluations in the form of compliments or affirmations such as “I like the way you speak.” “I like your home.” “I like the way you treat people who disagree with you.” They come to us for a variety of reasons. Often people want to say, “I like you,” and many times they approach us positively because they want something from us.
Whatever the reasons, there is probably some validity in what they’re saying. Although these unsolicited comments are usually positive, I contend that the same people can help us with our weaknesses or negative traits if we give them a chance.
When my thirteen-year-old daughter, in a heated family conversation says, ‘You don’t listen to me!” she is probably right. Not only have I failed to listen, I probably brushed aside her perceptions because of the emotion of that moment. She has, however, provided an important evaluation that others may also feel about me, but do not feel free to express. My letter, then, was an attempt to marshall such observations. Here are some samples:
Strengths
¥ ‘You have been a friend to me, and that can be trying.”
¥ ‘You have ability to keep people from blowing their stacks.”
¥ ‘You have a good built-in resistance to conformity. This is needed in the church.”
¥ “You procrastinate, but not about important things.”
¥ “At times you have seemed so self-confident I have hated you. Your letter was refreshing.”
Weaknesses
¥ “I have sometimes felt coldness from you, sometimes to the point of rudeness.”
¥ “You turn people off with your abruptness. You are talking to someone and all of a sudden you say goodbye.”
¥ “Be conscious of your physical posture. As you grow older, it’s hard to straighten up.”
¥ “You sometimes speak in riddles. This is okay, but not when dealing with intense issues.”
What did I learn from this experience? I rediscovered that people are willing to share what they think about you. I learned this lesson long ago when I was serving a circuit of four rural churches at the beginning of my ministry. A man came up to me after one Sunday service-he came right in the midst of all those nice things people say after the service-and he said, “If I’m ever sick and in the hospital, don’t call on me; and when I die, don’t come to the funeral home. If you can’t call on me when I’m well, don’t bother calling when I’m sick or dead.”
I stood there stunned for a moment, but soon some of those who had heard him said, “Don’t pay attention to him. He’s just like that. Don’t let it bother you.” But during the week I did think about it, and the next Sunday morning when he left the service I said to him, “I realize what you meant last week. I have neglected you. Would you give me another chance? Would you let me come to your home and talk with you?” He said, “Sure, you can come any time you want, and I’ll tell you a lot more things that are wrong with you.” In spite of his brusqueness, he was telling me how he perceived me, and there was some truth in his statements.
It has now been over three years since I wrote the letter, and within the past month, one of the people who did not reply was talking to me in the midst of a committee meeting. He said, “Grayson, you are really hard to get to know. A lot of people don’t like you when they first meet you, but that usually only lasts through the first few encounters-at least that’s how it was with me. I’ve tried to determine what it was that made me draw back from you when we first met. When you wrote me that forty-year letter I was going to tell you, but I was never able to get it out.” I wondered how many times during that three-year period he wanted to share this information, but was unable to do so.
What changes have I made in my life because of this project? Mainly I have become more conscious of how others perceive me. I have attempted to not let others regulate my behavior, but at the same time, I have found that others provide an excellent viewpoint for self-reflection. I am more conscious of my initial meeting with people, and yet I have never determined if I really want to change those initial impressions. I have observed that I do use humor in the midst of serious matters, and I remind myself that we sometimes laugh because it hurts. When I’m aware of being stooped over, I straighten up my frame and usually think of Gene Frazer, my district superintendent, who replied in his response, “As we grow older, it is harder to stand up straight if we don’t work at it.”
The process has been a healthy one. Through the eyes of my friends I have data that’s helping me move towards a clearer picture of the person they think I am. Yes, there are some differences between my perceptions and their composite perception. But those differences, by and large, have not been threatening, demoralizing, or painful. They are helping me become a better person.
Although comments about our weaknesses may give us an initial feeling that someone is cutting us down, if we ignore them, we may miss some exciting possibilities for our lives.
Perhaps you would like to conduct a similar project. You may want to incorporate changes or additions of your own that might include a broader range of inquiry than the one I have suggested. Whatever form your interest may take, I suggest you keep the following in mind:
1. Make sure your list of people to contact reflects balance. Contact people who see you in a variety of roles, and be sure to select some for whom you feel negative vibrations. One person for whom I had negative feelings stated that he felt one of my strengths was my effort to be his friend, which he said was sometimes very trying.
2. Look at the overall response. Don’t spend all of your emotional energy on the weakness areas, but balance stated weaknesses with stated strengths.
3. Accept what people say, especially if they have taken a risk to share a weakness. The risk indicates they have assigned worth to you. If you are reluctant to accept their criticism, you are automatically admitting to a serious weakness.
4. Keep in mind that a person may make a judgment based on a particular incident rather than on a comprehensive view. We all “blow it” on occasion. However, if thirty percent of the responses indicate that we are weak in a certain area, the numerical weight of the responses should help us move from subjective reflection to objective self-analysis.
5. Wait until all the results are in before giving them careful attention. I read the letters as soon as they came in, but after a quick reading I put each one in a drawer for further study. Wait sixty to ninety days before studying them closely.
6. Here are some questions you may want to ask of each of your strength and weakness areas;
¥ In what ways am I like that?
¥ Do I want to be that kind of person?
¥ Am I that way in most/some situations?
¥ Why am I that way?
¥ Is this something on which I want to work?
7. You’ll get discouraged if you try to work on all your weaknesses at once. Even three is too many. Select one or two areas where you would like to change, and develop a definite program for self-improvement. For example, if people do not think you listen to them, determine that during the next month you are going to make a conscious, careful effort to never speak until the other person has completely finished everything he wants to say, regardless of how long he may talk. Promise yourself that you’re going to hear every word he says, even if he repeats it half a dozen times.
Strengths and weaknesses, faults and virtues, plus traits and minus traits; call them what you will, we all have our share of both. The point is that we can reinforce one and correct the other if we’re given the insight, awareness, time, and effort. Just as we can diet and exercise to shape our physical bodies, so we can shape our character and fulfill our God-given potential.
I did my evaluation at forty. It can be done at any time. All it takes is an open mind, willingness to learn, and a little help from your friends.
Copyright © 1980 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
