TIPS, TRENDS & RESOURCES

It’s been said we were given two ears and one mouth because we were meant to listen twice as much as we talk.

According to Personnel Journal (August 1980), the following nine questions will give you an idea of how you listen:

1. Since you think about four times faster than a person usually talks, do you use this time to think about other things while you’re keeping track of the conversation?

2. Do you listen primarily for facts rather than ideas when someone is speaking?

3. Do you avoid listening to things you feel will be too difficult to understand?

4. Can you tell from a person’s appearance and delivery that there won t be anything worthwhile said?

5. When someone is talking to you, do you try to appear to be paying attention when you’re not?

6. Do certain words and phrases prejudice you so you cannot listen objectively?

7. Do you turn your thoughts to other subjects when you think a speaker will have nothing particularly interesting to say? 8. When you’re listening to someone, are you distracted by outside sights and sounds? 9. When you are puzzled or annoyed by what someone says, do you try to get the question straightened out immediately, either in your mind or by interrupting the speaker?

If you answered “No” to each question, classify yourself as a perfect listener.

Life’s Meaning

Pastors seem to be more sure of what life is all about than do rank-and-file church members. The three-million-member Lutheran Church in America recently polled 549 randomly selected clergy and 1472 laity for a project to be used in planning programs through the 1980s. Among the findings were the following:

¥ Eighty-six percent of the pastors said they had found the answer to the question of the purpose of life. Only 41 percent of the laity could say the same, and 11 percent said it was impossible to know.

¥ Eighty-nine percent of the clergy said they had experienced closeness with the “holy or sacred.” Of the laity, only 53 percent agreed.

¥ Ninety percent of the pastors reported they personally had experienced God’s presence during the past year, as compared to 47 percent of the laity.

¥ Seventy-five percent of the clergy felt that “God has given some general rules, but we have to decide how to apply them to our own situations.” More than 50 percent of the laity disagreed, saying that “God has given very clear, detailed rules that apply to everyone.”

¥ A majority of both pastors and laity said they had learned much about “life’s meaning” with Bible reading, sermons, and parents. Pastors also listed other sources such as books and education. Less than 19 percent of either group listed television as a source of such understanding.

¥ Large majorities of both groups also said they spend “quiet time” each day reflecting on their lives.

¥ When asked to explain why God allows terrible things to happen in the world, the most common answer from both groups was, ‘We don’t know why these things happen, but we know God is able to use them for good.”

¥ Finally, the clergy were much less likely to classify specified acts such as disobeying parents and working to overthrow the government as “always wrong.” Most of the laity, on the other hand, tended toward absolute condemnation.

Flextime

Flextime-that desired commodity afforded only to those who set their own work schedules-is something most ministers have.

But according to a recent survey at George Washington University, having ample flextime does not mean people will spend more time with their families.

While many indicated they appreciated their own personal flextime, few mentioned that they used their non-rigid work schedules to spend more time with their spouses and children.

Most claimed that flextime enabled them to spend more time on personal household chores and responsibilities.

Combating Incest

Alerting pastors and counselors to the symptoms and effects of incestuous behavior is one way to attack this surprisingly wide-spread problem. Having dealt with incest victims and victimizers for several years, Youth For Christ offers the following information:

¥ Economics are often a factor. The typical incest occurs in a home where family members have little privacy, such as when several children sleep in the same bed.

¥ Victims usually are characterized by low self-esteem, depression, guilt, and ambivalence concerning sexuality. Many are socially restricted, or burdened with heavy household and childcare responsibilities. They are almost always coerced into secrecy.

¥ Victimizers frequently believe that they need sex and must have it readily available. They also tend toward violent behavior such as child or spouse abuse.

¥ Although there are cases of mother-son incest, in most cases the victimizer is the father, or a male father-figure. Often the female victim simply accepts it as the affection of the male person.

¥ Sexually abusive fathers usually exert uncommon control over their daughters, often requiring them to come home directly after school and forbidding them to participate in dating and recreational activities. They often grant special favors, however, which actually serve as bribes to elicit sexual favors or to maintain secrecy.

Youth For Christ staff members are currently holding seminars for churches and social agencies to alert people to these symptoms and effects, and also to provide ways to deal with families who may be already incestuously involved.

Becoming Known

If your town is like most, many residents know little about your church regardless of special services, house-to-house visitation programs, and its location on one of the main streets. Max Hickerson, a pastor in Houston, Texas, suggests a few ways to make your church known in your community: 1. Use your recreational facilities for neighborhood outreach. 2. Contact local radio stations for free public service announcements; send announcements to the stations two weeks in advance of an event. 3. Urge church members to include the church name in any news items they submit to the local paper about members of their families. 4. Write letters to the editor in response to specific articles that appear in the paper. 5. Place Bibles and literature in waiting rooms of hospitals, doctors’ offices, beauty salons, and barbershops. Stamp the name of your church on any items you leave for distribution. 6. Participate in community services. 7. Plan special Christmas programs that will attract the community, such as a live nativity scene or a singing Christmas tree.

Counseling Resources

American Institute of Family Relations, 5287 Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90027, 213/4655131. A nonprofit counseling and research organization offering training for both clergy and laypersons in marriage and family counseling, as well as counseling service for a wide range of human-relation problems.

Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation, 1790 E. Willow Grove Ave., Laverock, PA 19118, 215/8847676. Provides counseling services and training in pastoral counseling skills for ministers and church leaders.

Competent to Counsel Training Tapes, c/o National Association of Evangelicals, P.O. Box 28, Wheaton, IL 60187, 312/665-0500. Set of eight cassettes and instructional booklets prepared by Dr. Jay Adams to train Christian laypersons in techniques of peer counseling.

Dallas Christian Counseling Services, 324 N. Central Expy., Suite 106, Richardson, TX 75080, 214/238-7507. Offers services to enhance the work of

Christian counselors, including Counseling Communique, a newsletter containing book reviews and discussions of counseling techniques and problems.

Denver ’81, Second National Conference on Marriage and Family Enrichment and Christian Counseling, June 14-20, 1981, 800 E. Girard, Suite 601, Denver, CO 80231, 303/750-6707. Cosponsored by Christian Marriage Enrichment and Christian Counseling Enrichment. For pastors and Christian counselors interested in additional training and exploration of counseling problems and techniques.

Family Resource Tapes: Practical Direction for Parents, c/o David C. Cook Publishing Co., 850 N. Grove Ave., Elgin, IL 60120, 312/741-2400. Series of six taped sessions offering advice for parents on dealing with teenage sex, assessing a child’s school, enjoying children, youth sports, divorce, and children.

International Family Foundation, 204 Northside Medical Center, 275 Carpenter Dr. NE, Atlanta, GA 30328, 404/259-5953. A cross-cultural Christian organization committedto strengthening the family through publications in several languages, conferences on the family, and training programs for those interested in family ministry.

National Association of Clergy, Inc., 1300 SW 2nd St., Pompano Beach, FL 33060, 305/7811560. Nationwide organization of clergy of all faiths dedicated to enhancing the professional standing of the American clergy through regional seminars, a monthly newsletter, and a Washington, DC office to represent interests of the clergy before Congress.

The Pre-MarHage Awareness Inventory, c/o Shepherd’s Staff Publications, Box 371, Canon Falls, MN 55009, 507/263-3808. A counseling tool designed to provide personality and attitude information to serve as a basis for pastors’ and Christian counselors’ discussions with couples planning for marriage.

Sources and Resources, 861 6th Ave., Suite 411, San Diego, CA 92101, 714/234-6454. A monthly newsletter for Christian leaders with information on resources available, including. film and book reviews.