Not long ago a young couple was in my office working through a serious marital crisis: infidelity. A few months earlier she had discovered his involvement with another woman. She confronted him, and he confessed. They wanted to quickly move away from the pain, so he asked her forgiveness and pledged to never see the other woman again.
Her "I forgive you" was said, and life moved on. But after several months, for reasons they didn't understand, they remained confused and angry with each other. She reiterated her forgiveness, and he kept telling her everything was in the past. Somehow that wasn't enough to bring healing.
They had completed only one part of the very difficult process of reconciliation. There is more to rebuilding a relationship than just forgiving. In counseling couples facing this struggle, I find several specific steps helpful.
Exploring the Painful Alternatives
Many of the couples I see have never considered their options. They've made up their minds either to bail out or grit it out—without pausing to recognize their freedom to choose. I find it's healthy to stop and talk together about the choices.
One choice, of course, is to murmur "I'm sorry . . . I forgive you" and slide right back into familiar patterns of relating—the patterns that led to the breakdown in the first place. That doesn't seem very attractive to me—nor to most couples in crisis.
A second option is divorce. I know many Christians say divorce is not an option. I, too, am firmly committed to the permanence of marriage and always work toward following the biblical position. In counseling troubled couples, however, I've found that a hard-line, frontal assault with Scripture verses flying often only increases defensiveness and resistance, which makes couples feel trapped and less willing to work on necessary changes.
I've had better results openly dissecting the messy details of divorce, first examining the world's view of divorce as "quick relief" and then holding up for inspection the long-term negative aspects. Considering all the options—divorce included—exposes as a myth the unspoken notion of divorce as the easy solution. I make it clear that after the initial relief, most people face a period of grief for a year or more. It can be very severe, depending on the circumstances.
My wife and I have been walking a friend through her recent divorce. She is only beginning to come out of the depression after two years. Even now, when certain things remind her of her former husband, the flow of tears starts all over again.
Her ex-husband had developed a romantic attachment while continuing to say he loved her and was committed to their family. His sudden announcement of divorce completely surprised her. His relationship with his lover initially prevented him from feeling the grief of divorce. But his grief arrived later as he realized the loss of closeness to his sons.
Another consideration is a loss of self-esteem, a deep sense of inadequacy. Divorced people frequently begin ruminating: What's wrong with me that I couldn't make our marriage work? Such damage to their self-concept will often persist into future relationships, making self-disclosure and trust more difficult.
My friend Ken Bekkedahl, who pastors in Aspen, Colorado, lacks no opportunity to counsel divorcing couples. One aspect he always points out is the financial devastation of divorce. He asks the man, "Do you think you can afford to divorce? It may bankrupt you." That gets the man's attention! Then he can go over the particulars. Aside from the legal fees, which can be minimized, the expense of maintaining separate houses is only the beginning. Complications arise as children's needs skyrocket or a second mate and stepchildren strain the checkbook. Money alone may not be an adequate reason to stay married, but the debits of divorce can be a good incentive to reconsider the decision.
One other long-range consideration is the dissolution of the nuclear family. This has been deemphasized these days, but the problems for children of divorce remain stubbornly real and lasting. Their initial confusion, sense of abandonment, and grief is often broadcast in school problems, drug and alcohol abuse, depressive withdrawal, delinquent behavior, even suicide. The increased incidence of divorce among children of divorced parents uncovers their long-range deficiency in forming committed relationships. With a parent's remarriage, children frequently sense a further loss of the parent and feelings of rejection. There is also a stepped-up incidence of child abuse (particularly sexual) with stepparents.
Discipline further complicates the picture. Children quickly learn which parent they can manipulate, and both parents become more vulnerable to it. Let's face it; nobody wants to be the "bad guy"—especially when the "good guy" is the former mate.
Even as adults, children of broken homes often say they wish their parents had not divorced. Their lives continue to bear the complications as graduations, weddings, holidays, children's births, even funerals become logistic nightmares.
"Staying together for the children" has its merits. Our culture places such inflated value on personal pleasure and fulfillment that the legitimate needs of others, including children and society, have been ignored. I have known couples who have stayed together for the children and bequeathed stability rather than strife, continuity rather than confusion. I have even seen such marriages return to close, mutually satisfying relationships as life goes on.
Even after the pain of infidelity, couples considering divorce, I've discovered, need to stare the potential cost in the face. I implant visions of hard realities beyond the immediate relief from tension.
Probing the Commitment to Reconcile
Realizing that divorce is a costly alternative can be a practical motivation to choose recommitment to the marriage. Join that to the unmistakable Christian position upholding the permanence of marriage, and there is little question of the preference for reconciliation.
There are two critical steps in the reconciliation process: (1) making definite the choice to reconcile and (2) communicating that recommitment clearly.
The decision to work toward oneness can be communicated in countless ways, and knowing what says it most effectively to one's spouse improves the chances of success.
One couple did this very effectively. She doubted his faithfulness since an affair; he questioned her ability to be more affirming and less critical. Recognizing these problem areas, they made it part of their recommitment to allay their partner's fears. He began to reveal his schedule and take her out with him more. Rather than chafing under her "control," he considered "checking in" his investment in the marriage. While stepping up her compliments and expressions of gratitude, she also refrained from being her usual negative self.
It was hard work for both of them, but those specific ways communicated best. This step anchors the whole process of reconciliation. If either person adopts a "you go first" attitude, reunion will falter or fail.
Often the guilty partner would prefer the whole sticky situation just disappear. I've heard some men say, "Hey, I came back. I chose to stay with you. So let's just forget it happened and get on with life. It's not such a big deal."
It is a big deal, however, and the betrayed partner critically needs to sense understanding. By listening to the hurt and showing he understands why it's there, the guilty spouse can help the healing happen.
I try to help each person experience the other's pain. I may ask the husband, "How did it feel to you when you were ignored (or criticized, or deceived) at some time in your life?" As he recalls that feeling, it is easier for him to respond in a nondefensive way to his wife's similar hurt. I may interpret for a wife how I believe her husband feels—trapped or suffocated or mistrusted—emotions he may be unable or unwilling to communicate. Many wives have commented, "You know, I never imagined he felt that way, but I can see now how he did."
Repairing Broken Trust and Esteem
An insult can assume many garbs. Some are unique to each couple, such as violating the private aspects of the relationship and sharing them with someone else. Others are more universal. Perhaps the most critical insult derives from the break in trust.
Since marriage's twin pillars are trust and faithfulness, when one partner commits adultery, the foundation is seriously shaken. The severity of the damage is affected by several factors. One is the expectations of the spouse. A person raised in a home marked by infidelity may practically expect unfaithfulness. Another significant variable is the length and quality of the marriage. A relationship spotted by conflict and disappointment may not find unfaithfulness the final blow. There was little trust left to be broken. After many years of deeply committed devotion, however, the shattering of trust will probably be devastating.
Similarly the nature of the adulterous relationship affects the consequences. What was essentially a "one-night stand" that quickly ended causes less fracturing of trust than a prolonged affair with a history of deception and betrayal.
Under any circumstance, however, the breakdown in trust is a serious part of the hurt. Perhaps the first question the spouse asks is "How can I ever trust you again?" The injured mind begins to doubt and question every absence. Suspicion and disbelief move in where trust and confidence dwelt. These are natural and expected yet difficult feelings for both partners.
Rebuilding trust requires effort by both husband and wife. The offending mate must make special efforts to reaffirm faithfulness. This means telling one's spouse about activities and companions. It means restricting special expressions of affection. It means finding time to be alone together. It means being truthful and keeping commitments.
For the betrayed spouse, rebuilding trust includes accepting what the other says without expressing doubt through accusations. When doubts arise, first-person feeling statements—"I'm still having a hard time with my doubts and fears; I want to trust you, but my anxiety sometimes pushes me into mistrust"—work better than indictments like "Where have you been? You don't care if I'm alone and worried! You've been talking to her (or him) again, haven't you?" The first style can be heard with empathy. The second is sure to produce defensiveness. The first helps rebuild trust; the second confirms the mistrust.
I recently received a letter from a man who had successfully rebuilt his relationship with his wife. He said her attitude of trust helped him most. Even when he did things that might have aroused her suspicion, she didn't accuse him. He found himself wanting to keep her informed to avoid making her worry. His attitude changed from feeling threatened to feeling grateful. That reinforced her choice of showing trust. It wasn't an overnight miracle, but a steady, successful process.
The second major victim of infidelity is the self-esteem of the injured spouse, which must be taken into account in reconciliation. The fact that the unfaithful mate chose to stay has little effect on the level of insult felt. The overriding questions are: What's wrong with me as a woman (or man) that I couldn't hold my mate? Am I inadequate as a person? Have I lost my attractiveness?
Disclaimers aside, the fact that speaks loudest is My mate chose someone to replace me!
Sadly, many extramarital affairs take place during the midlife transition, a time of reassessment. Both men and women evidence a growing concern about aging and physical appearance. The sad truth is that the lover is often a younger and more sexually attractive female or a more successful, powerful male. Both scenarios reinforce the inner doubts about self-worth in the betrayed spouse.
Shame and embarrassment damage the self-image of both parties. Practically every betrayed spouse reports a heavy sense of embarrassment. They begin to imagine what others are saying about them and find it difficult to go out socially. They feel they are being blamed for their mate's unfaithfulness and in fact, they may truly blame themselves.
Clearing the Way for Forgiveness
In these situations, the sense of guilt cries for forgiveness. Anger walks hand in hand with guilt. Not infrequently disbelief appears first, then hurt, then self-doubt and recrimination, then guilt, and finally anger. Allowing the anger to be realized and expressed may be threatening. In the wake of an affair, the marriage may seem so insecure that both partners avoid expressing anger for fear of driving the mate away completely.
The anger remains, however, and needs to be expressed. Anger, in itself, is no sin; it can be handled without destroying anyone. I try to prepare couples for positive uses of anger and reassure them that it can be worked through.
Anger often burns over the invasion of special places, music, and memories by the image of the lover. It smolders over the dulling of the joy of sexual play, the death of hopes for the future, the erosion of respect for the mate as a parent, and the sense of abandonment by God. Since any of these may be components of the hurt to be healed, I purposely explore all these areas with a couple.
Bill and Kathy were unbridled romantics whose feeling of being married depended in large part on sharing a wild romance. They sent each other cards and flowers. They played their favorite mood music. They regularly did unusual, spontaneous things like walks on the beach in the rain, or picnics in the snow.
When Bill discovered Kathy had been replicating some of their most romantic experiences with another man, he was devastated. How could he bring that romanticism back into their relationship? Yet it had been and would be a critical aspect of their oneness. Kathy understood his hurt, but felt punished when he stopped doing the usual special things.
God provides an effective way of dealing with even the severest kinds of emotional injury: recognizing the damage and anger, communicating it directly to the offending person, and choosing to forgive.
Forgiveness, the essential foundation, needs to be understood in spiritual, emotional and physical terms. Spiritually, we are commanded to forgive so that we may be forgiven. We grow cold in an unhealthy climate of stubbornly self-righteous unforgiveness.
Emotionally, forgiveness allows us to invest ourselves in the relationship. We cannot move toward intimacy without taking the risk to make that investment. Forgiveness is a choice; we decide to relinquish hurt rather than reinforce it.
Not many people grasp the physical aspects of forgiveness found in the neurochemistry of the brain. Memories are stored as permanent physical structures in our brain cells. Each time a specific area of the brain is stimulated, a particular memory is recalled. Memory traces can be retrieved by thought associations that select precise neural pathways to bring the stored memory into consciousness. When a specific memory trace is replayed repeatedly, that enhanced recording is more easily brought to awareness. We are familiar with this process in memorizing facts, going over and over some information until it is readily recalled.
The same thing happens with emotionally charged memories, whether positive or negative. When we have been hurt, the event and its associated feelings are deposited in our nerve cell computer. We can then either review that memory, rehearsing it into a vividly enhanced mental image, or we can choose not to allow its repetition, thereby relegating it to the unconscious. That mental, neurochemical choice is called forgiveness. The memory is still there, but when life stimuli bring it to mind, we choose to extinguish it rather than reinforce it.
So forgiveness is not a one-time, magical act that removes all memory and pain; it's a continuously repetitive choice. The outcome is a freeing of brain energy and neural pathways that allows for positive thoughts and reconciling behavior.
When I explain this aspect of forgiveness, many couples find it fits their personal experience and helps them see forgiveness as a volitional act rather than a feeling. It also helps them remain hopeful when the old memory comes to mind. They begin to see forgiveness as a process rather than an instant cure.
Controlling Curiosity
The next step proves difficult for the injured spouse. It necessitates overcoming a strong natural drive—the universal curiosity about what happened. All the when, where, and hows become compelling questions, but I've discovered that hearing the answers only intensifies the feelings of rejection.
Learning the specific details creates distressing visual images of the mate with the lover, and this may destroy positive associations of the marriage. For instance, if a couple has enjoyed a private, romantic attachment to a favorite restaurant, that beautiful tradition may be shattered by knowing "they" went there together.
Questioning also tends to alienate the guilty spouse. One man told me of his difficulty keeping quiet when his wife focused so on the other woman. She'd ask, "Well, did your girlfriend do that better than me?"
He knew he had done wrong, and he understood his wife's angry feelings, but he did not want to badmouth the other woman. Hearing her attacked not only made him angry and defensive but lowered his respect for his wife. It also retained the girlfriend on center stage.
That sort of reaction can be avoided if the injured spouse confines curiosity to sessions with a counselor.
Focusing on the Positive
A song from the forties says, "Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative, and don't mess with Mr. Inbetween." How can a couple accentuate the positive in a marriage disrupted by infidelity? One way is to arouse the many positive shared experiences. Help couples remember the initial attraction they felt for each other. Have them talk about the special events they enjoyed together or recall the struggles they have come through together.
At a time like this, their thoughts are on the glaring faults. I remind them that they will live with whichever aspect of their mate they choose to emphasize. Choose the negative, and they will live with a diminished person. Accentuate the positive, and they give themselves the best possible qualities to relate to.
The positive can also be accentuated by keeping a sense of humor. The key is to laugh at one's self instead of the other person. The fine line between humor and hostility blurs easily. When ridiculing a mate begins, the fun is over!
To dispel some of the heavy gloom in counseling, I will gently share some foolish behavior of mine in a situation similar to the couple's. For instance, I tell about sometimes silently refusing to do something I had agreed to do. But my refusal to repair a screen so I wouldn't be "henpecked" let in mosquitoes that bit me as often as anyone else. Usually such ridiculous behavior touches a responsive chord, and those I'm counseling begin to see the humor in their own patterns.
I want a couple to move into the future together with optimism, to rebuild dreams and be excited that the level of oneness can be deeper than ever before. This calls for faith that even from this painful, sinful event, God's Spirit can bring good. And I have seen that happen repeatedly. People need to believe the intense feelings of hurt and loss will be replaced by joy and peace, and even by being "in love" again.
Exposing the "Me First" Fallacy
Researchers Dave and Vera Mace have found that couples intent on fulfilling one another's needs are the happiest. Conversely, when unmet needs and disappointments become the focus, the marital squabbles unleash criticism and withdrawal. The unmet needs loom as giants blocking the path to happiness.
Couples do need to communicate areas of disappointment—diplomatically—but they can't remain locked in a critical mode. Rather, each partner—this is crucial—must determinedly focus on pleasing his or her spouse, looking for ways to more effectively meet the other person's needs (Eph. 5:21). When we quit demanding our own rights and spend our time thinking about our spouse's needs, a marvelous phenomenon occurs: we begin to feel more cared for and less frustrated. The tendency toward selfishly keeping score decreases as our excitement in becoming a better mate grows.
The sin of adultery is forgivable. And while no magic will make the past disappear, pastoral help can make it dissipate. Relationships can be restored—sometimes to depths never before realized or even thought possible.
It's not easy, but neither is marriage under any circumstance.
Louis McBurney, a psychiatrist, is founder of Marble Retreat in Marble, Colorado.
BARRIERS TO RECONCILIATION
I'm amazed that reconciliation ever follows a mate's adultery. The wounds are so deep and destructive. Yet in the Christian community lies a remarkable willingness to attempt to repair the damage and rebuild the marriage.
Some common barriers, however, emerge to complicate the process.
1. Anger and unforgiving attitudes. Interestingly, anger will almost always be present in both partners. The injured spouse has every right to be angry. That's apparent. But the offending mate may be just as angry about having been discovered, angry about disappointment the marriage held before the affair, angry at oneself for being so stupid (to have become involved in the affair, or to have married in the first place). Some become increasingly hostile because the spouse can't just let the whole thing drop.
The anger may progress to unforgiving attitudes and on to bitterness, the two most formidable walls to reconciliation. If not torn down, they will form an impassable barrier to loving unity.
2. Pride. When either partner is controlled by self-righteous pride, reconciliation becomes practically impossible. Infidelity marks an obvious failure of commitment. Both husband and wife must honestly take some responsibility. If either is too proud to accept a share of the guilt and the need for change, reconciliation will likely be dropped; it is too heavy for one to bear alone.
3. Fear. Some fear normally accompanies reconciliation. The injured party will naturally be afraid to trust. The guilty mate may be afraid the spouse will not change or will use the sin for leverage. The couple may fear having the incident exposed. Any of these fears can threaten to block reconciliation.
4. The third person. The lover is an unavoidable ingredient in the reconciliation process, yet what may happen in that corner of the triangle remains entirely unpredictable. One thing is certain: The continued presence of the lover will create significant tension.
The unfaithful party often feels responsible to the lover, perhaps as much as to the spouse. The unfaithful spouse's impulses to minister to the former lover should be squelched. Care for the lover must be turned over to someone else and contact eliminated entirely.
5. Old patterns of relationship. Old, inadequate ways of doing things in the marital relationship may hinder reconciliation. For instance, if a couple was relating in a parent-child pattern before the affair, that pattern must be changed to allow a more mature style of relating.
6. The cost of the affair. This factor varies considerably with the situation. Recently I have been counseling a husband and wife who have been fortunate about the fallout of his affair. No one has found out. His lover has admitted her sin and relinquished her claim. There was little emotional involvement in the romance. The husband's sexual encounter was less exciting and less satisfying than his marital sex. The husband had not used lies and deception. Few gifts had been given and little money spent during the romance. Such circumstances are unusual. Affairs commonly accrue major financial or social costs, causing proportionate resentment in the injured spouse.
—Louis McBurney
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