We wanted to have something special for the children in our services, so one of our ladies volunteered to deliver a children’s sermon. These sermons, however, quickly became discourses aimed at the congregation. (After all, what do three-year-olds care about the various theories of inspiration or eschatology?) I needed to correct the situation. But the best I could manage was to drop little hints.
I was a pastoral doormat. I knew what was right, but I was far too unsure of myself to speak it out. Perhaps I was afraid of the conflict that might occur if I really told it like it was. Or maybe I just didn’t think that my opinions, feelings, or rights had much validity. Anyway, regardless of the reason, I rarely spoke my true feelings. And I was frustrated.
Occasionally my frustrations would increase to the point of explosion. Then I would take my stand. Unfortunately, I usually took a stand over something that had little meaning, or I would do it in a rather angry or aggressive way. Or I spoke about it from the pulpit, where I didn’t have to worry about someone talking back. Usually, though, I just kept it to myself and stewed.
I still remember a time we proposed several elders for ordination in our church. As the names were read from the pulpit, one woman’s face darkened. She was upset, she told me later, because her husband had not been nominated. There was a reason for this “oversight” (he lacked the spiritual maturity), but rather than tell her, I muttered something about checking into it at the next board meeting. To make a long story short, the woman’s lobbying succeeded in getting her husband’s name added to the list and he was presented to the church. But he was voted down. It was a public embarrassment for him and his wife, all because I didn’t bring myself to speak the truth, privately and face to face, in love.
The Bible is full of examples of spiritual jellyfish. Eli, for example, refused to correct his sons until it was too late. Ahab continually gave in to Jezebel’s wicked suggestions. And Peter, not usually considered a milquetoast, feared conflict with the Jewish Christians so much that he shied away from eating with the Gentile believers.
While some pastors are more than assertive enough, others, like me, tend toward the opposite extreme. I am not proud of my wimpish past. I have seen the error, the ineffectiveness it produces. So I have begun to change. I am working on speaking the truth in love.
Let me share some of the causes, consequences, and cures for this malady.
Causes
Most of us justify our lack of assertiveness by saying we are trying to “keep the peace” or “maintain the unity of the Spirit.” In reality, however, we are often simply trying to protect ourselves. The truth hurts, and it can hurt the speaker more than the hearer. Naturally, we shy away from speaking it. Yet when we know the truth but cannot bring ourselves to speak it, usually it’s for one of these reasons.
1. We have a low view of ourselves. It may seem strange to lay people that those who speak with such authority on Sunday morning struggle with self-doubt. It would shock them to realize that we who proclaim the promises of God have as hard a time believing them as anyone else. But it’s true. We struggle with our identities; we wrestle with self-esteem; we fight unhealthy self-images-just like every other Christian.
The fruit of low self-esteem is a low view of our thoughts and opinions. After all, we may think, who are we that others should be mindful of us? We may lack the healthy self-confidence that says our ideas are just as good as the next person’s and deserve to be heard.
2. We feel we have no rights. I remember feeling it would be unchristian to refuse a request from a church member, or to protest when my needs were ignored or my ego trampled upon. After all, wasn’t I supposed to be at that meeting? The family can wait.
“It’s OK. I’ll meet with you on Monday” (even though it’s my day off).
Why do we live this way? Because we have accepted a false spirituality that says the more of our human needs we violate, the more we are like our Lord. To speak of our needs and rights would be selfish, we feel; therefore, we let them slide.
For several years during my early ministry, I lived virtually at poverty level. Our church gave far more to foreign missionaries than it provided for our support. My wife, endowed with the gift of common sense, urged me to ask for a raise. Never! I thought. That would be selfish. However, her persistence won out, and I mentioned to the church board that it would be nice if they would consider . . . uh . . . you know . . . maybe increasing . . . uh . . . our support . . . just a little . . . maybe. And they did; in fact they doubled it on the spot. We never had that trouble again.
Thinking that when we enter the ministry we give up all personal rights makes us pastoral wimps, or worse, poisons us with bitterness.
3. We fear the reaction of those we confront. They crucified Jesus for speaking the truth. They beheaded Paul. They fired Pastor So-and-So. What will happen if I say what I really think? We are so afraid of the conflict that comes (and it often does) when we dare to speak out that we would rather endure the consequences of silence (which can be far worse).
On our board was a dear man who had served so long and hard that he desperately needed a rest. However, I was afraid to tell him so. I knew he would be hurt and angry. So I let him keep serving and watched him struggle to keep his emotions from falling apart.
Why do we fear people’s reactions? Because we want them to like us. We sincerely want to be pleasing to others, and we will let them harm themselves rather than displease them.
There are certainly other causes of nonassertiveness. Some people will point to their personality type. Others will say it runs in the family. Others will deny it is even wrong. Yet one thing remains constant: it is ultimately harmful to us, others, and the church.
Consequences
If we examine the biblical examples of nonassertiveness, we find a number of negative results. It cost Eli his ministry and the lives of his sons. It cost Ahab his kingdom. In Peter’s case, it damaged the Christians’ view of grace. Keeping silent seems the easy way for the moment, but it comes with a price.
1. Bad situations go uncorrected. In the case of our children’s sermon dilemma, nothing ever was resolved. Every week the misdirected sermon would go on, people would squirm, and worship would be interrupted. Yet the woman involved had a great heart for children. A gentle but firm word could have turned a disaster into a delight.
This is a mild case; many are more serious. There are board members who are destroying their families because no one will confront them about their overbearing style. There are ministries that are bearing no fruit because no one dares do the necessary pruning.
2. Our low self-esteem is confirmed. The more we choose to believe that our opinions are worthless, the stronger that belief becomes. Eventually we cripple ourselves emotionally and find we have lost even the ability to think for ourselves, much less speak what we think.
3. We hurt the people we are trying not to hurt. This is the rub. We go forever not confronting because we don’t want to make people angry. So we let them get hurt . . . and then they really get angry. Like the man whose wife wanted him to be an elder. Afterward, he was terrifically angry. He had been allowed to be humiliated because we didn’t want him to be mad at us.
Cure
There is hope. I’ll never forget the first time I took my steak back to a restaurant manager and said, “This isn’t done enough.” What a day! I had actually spoken what I thought.
Then I exercised the courage to tell someone not to come over because I was spending time with my family. And then I even confronted-discreetly, of course-a young man on his lack of readiness for seminary. I began to see the positive effects of a ministry that takes the initiative. An assertive person was born.
How can we learn to speak the truth in love?
1. Look honestly at the results of our passive behavior. When we take inventory of our wimpish actions, it will shock us to see they haven’t accomplished anything except what we originally wanted to avoid-anger, hurt, rejection, and increased problems.
2. Reconsider our self-worth. It is possible to change the way we think about ourselves. We can begin to believe that God has indeed given us the wisdom we need for our jobs. We can remind ourselves that we do matter and so do our opinions.
3. Aim for respect, not popularity. A successful Christian school administrator told me that he was not liked by everyone but that everyone respected him. That is the key to being an effective manager. It is also key to being an effective pastor. We cannot please everyone. But we can be respected for being honest.
4. Develop an “assertion message.” I have found the familiar formula Robert Bolton suggests in People Skills simple, brief, and helpful. It provides a framework for expressing what we really want to say while respecting the other person. It has three parts:
“When you (insert the other person’s behavior), I feel (explain how it makes you feel) because (give a specific negative effect of the behavior).”
First, there is a concrete, unemotional description of the behavior we want to see changed. The key is to keep it specific and avoid exaggerations. Second, we state the feelings we experience because of the behavior. The purpose is to let the other person know we really care about this matter, and it is no joke. Third, we let the person know the negative effect of his or her behavior. For example, “When you come late to board meetings, I feel angry because it causes all of us to get home late.”
This is not a magic formula, but it is a place to start. As we become more confident in mature assertion, we can develop our own methods.
But having made the case for assertiveness, I also need to warn against the other extreme. Being a doormat is not an effective way to minister. But neither is being a bulldozer. There are still times to be quiet and let things slide. While the doormat has no respect for himself, the bulldozer has no respect for others. In ministry, we aim for mature assertion in which we respect ourselves, respect others, and encourage growth in Christ.
We have a choice. We can be wimps. We can be bulldozers. Or we can lovingly speak the truth. In the balance hangs a more fruitful ministry and a more satisfying experience of leadership.
-Michael R. Baer
Garland, Texas
Copyright © 1986 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
