Jack and Lois wanted to get married. They also believed God wanted them married. Jack had been divorced five years earlier and had two adolescent children. Lois had never been married but felt certain Jack was “the right man.” As they spoke with their pastor about their engagement, they were excited about the future, about the possibilities of being a “real family.”
But they also had a number of anxieties. Jack’s divorce had made him wary of another marriage, and his children weren’t certain they liked Lois. Lois was sure she and Jack should marry, but her family had been cold to the idea. She wanted children, but Jack wasn’t sure he could handle “another round of kids.”
As a pastor, I see more and more couples like Jack and Lois. People today are as enthusiastic as ever about marriage, and those who have been divorced are even more likely to get married than those who have never married: 83 percent of divorced men and 76 percent of divorced women remarry. And while many ministers offer premarital preparation, little attention has been given to the unique needs of those remarrying. Yet the statistics show they are even more in need of premarital preparation. While 35 percent of first marriages end in divorce, approximately 65 percent of remarriages end that way, many of them within the first few years.
Some time ago I recognized that the majority of my premarital counseling was being done with couples for whom this was not the first marriage. Out of my experience with these couples, let me offer some observations as a springboard for you to develop your own approach.
Clarifying Our Position
While not all remarital preparation involves divorce, most does. This meant I had to come to a clear personal stance on divorce and remarriage. We may apply the relevant Scripture passages differently. I personally feel the Bible allows for at least some remarriage after divorce. But even pastors who don’t accept that position will be confronted by widows and widowers wanting to be wed, and thus remarital counseling is still an important issue.
I also learned the hard way the need to understand the beliefs of the congregation. Early in my ministry, I made a decision not to marry anyone who had not undergone premarital counseling. My church leaders seemed supportive of this until I applied the rule to a remarital couple. Since they were older, they felt they didn’t need counseling, and they insisted I conduct the wedding ceremony anyway. When I stood firm, they went informally to one of my elders. It was then I learned that my understanding of the leaders’ stance was incomplete! This well-meaning elder explained in firm tones that I was a servant of the church and had no right to make the decision not to marry this couple “just because I wanted to do counseling with them.”
Eventually, the elder board upheld my stance, but I learned a valuable lesson about assumptions-don’t make them. Find out your church leaders’ understanding of divorce and remarriage. If they don’t have one, study the Scriptures together. As I discovered, the minister and the lay leaders need to agree on a stance. This protects the minister from being seen as arbitrary, and it involves the church much more in the ministry of remarital preparation.
Not Assuming Maturity
Rudy and Karen were a likable, seemingly mature couple. Everyone had been speculating on how long it would take them to decide to get married, so when they announced their engagement, no one was surprised. I thought I knew them well, and I had a high opinion of them. Both were older than I, and both had experienced much in their lives. I was tempted to forgo my usual premarital program because I figured they knew it all already.
Fortunately, they were honest enough to reveal some concerns to me, and they encouraged me to guide them through the sessions. As I did, I was amazed at how many difficulties surfaced in their relationship. I had assumed they had learned from their experiences in former marriages. I was wrong. Neither recognized his or her contribution to the failure of the first marriage and both had difficulty looking at their new relationship realistically.
I have observed many couples who married later in life. When either person has been divorced, it has almost always been a handicap to future healthy relationships. People can gain a great deal of experience, but they don’t always learn from it. Communication, role expectations, use of leisure time, vacation plans, sexual adjustment and birth control, conflict resolution, family background, personality issues, spiritual priorities, and church participation are some of the more important areas of any marriage, and they’re now among the issues I discuss with every new couple, regardless of how experienced they are.
The Ever-Present Former Spouse
One of the first steps in remarital counseling is to take an honest look at the first marriage. Describing those relationships is often uncomfortable for everyone, but it’s necessary. It should be done with both of the engaged parties present. They need to hear each other describe openly the relationship with the former spouse, which will continue to influence the new marriage.
I ask the couple what steps they have taken to resolve the problems that led to the breakup of their first marriages. I look for a mature response. Have they accepted their share of responsibility? Have they sought forgiveness? Have they addressed the personal problems that may have contributed to the marital stress? If they have not, they aren’t ready to enter a new relationship.
The goal of this process is to help each person own up to his or her own responsibility for the failure of the first marriage. It also allows the partner to gain a more realistic perspective on the potential problems in the new relationship.
This was the case with Steve, a minister in his late thirties. His wife had left him several years earlier for a close friend. Steve’s congregation was shocked, and a ground swell of anger at his wife began to arise. Steve was hurt and didn’t feel particularly positive about his wife, but he was able to go before his congregation and admit that he had contributed to her unfaithfulness. He confessed that he, too, had been unfaithful by making his wife compete with the church for his time and attention. For years he had given his best hours to the church. When his wife tried to talk to him about it, he accused her of being unspiritual. “I can’t blame her,” he said. “I left her years ago without moving out.”
Steve had made some significant discoveries and was able to forgive his wife and himself. He also sought help for his unhealthy way of looking for approval through growth in the church. Whether he ever remarried or not, his honesty allowed him to grow.
In addition to exploring past relationships, it’s important to look at the current status of things. If one person is still carrying a great deal of bitterness toward a previous spouse, the likelihood of strife in the new relationship is strong. On the other hand, it’s also good to be careful about close relationships with former spouses.
Julie had divorced her husband two years ago, but she was never able to handle maintenance tasks on the house by herself. She relied on her ex-husband, Wayne, to fulfill the maintenance role. This was awkward at times, but since they had two children and Wayne wanted them to have a positive environment in their home, he was willing to provide the assistance. The problem came when Wayne got engaged again. Carol, his fiance, understood his feelings about providing a decent home for his children, but she had difficulty accepting his continued contact with his ex-wife. It seemed to Carol that the closer their wedding got, the more Julie expected Wayne to help her. Finally Carol told Wayne she didn’t want him going over there anymore. He couldn’t understand why she was being so unreasonable, and the subject was a regular source of irritation.
In counseling, I asked Wayne and Carol to explore the dynamics of this problem. What made Carol uncomfortable about this? What didn’t Wayne understand about her reaction? How much contact with his first wife was reasonable? How much could his new fiance accept? What alternatives were there?
It’s also important, I’ve found, to explore the relationships with ex-in-laws. Grandparents usually feel they shouldn’t have to end their relationship with grandchildren just because there has been a divorce. One sister-in-law put it this way: “My brother may have divorced her, but I didn’t.” When this is the case, the continued contact with the former in-laws can be a source of stress in the new marriage if it isn’t handled delicately.
I’ve found that if contact with former in-laws is to continue, several ground rules are needed.
First, it should be explained at the outset that efforts by in-laws to reunify the divorced couple are not welcome. (If reunification is an appropriate goal, the in-laws still are not the appropriate people to be the driving force.)
Second, both the ex-spouse and the in-laws should avoid discussions of the marriage that could lead to blaming or “What ifs.”
Third, contact should be limited and open. Secret meetings cause suspicion and pain even if they are designed to avoid these things.
Finally, in-laws should not be used as go-betweens for ex-spouses. This places them in an awkward situation and prevents the open communication needed for important concerns, such as child rearing, that are shared by the ex-spouses.
Stepfamily Issues
George and Shana were getting married. George had two boys, ages ten and thirteen. Shana had one girl, age twelve.
Shana’s daughter, Shari, was physically mature for her age. Since her mother’s divorce, she had been more of a sister than a daughter to her mother. Now, she resented George’s assuming a parental role with her, as well as his desire that Shana act more like a mother than a sister to Shari. George felt that if he were going to be living in the same house with this young girl, she should be expected to obey him.
Then another situation arose. George’s 13-year-old son also was well developed for his age. And since the two weren’t really related, he and Shari found themselves attracted to one another. One night when George and the boys had been at Shana’s house, George started looking for the boys to tell them it was time to go. He found the younger boy watching television. When he asked where the older boy was, his brother said, “Oh, he and Shari are making out again.” George and Shana found the two entwined in Shari’s bedroom.
When two families are blended, they rarely relate to one another like the Brady Bunch. Conflicting loyalties, resentments, and differences in habits can surface. Without the God-given and cultural taboos against sex between natural siblings to temper emotions, the rate of incest in stepfamilies is much higher than in blood-related families. I encourage the couple to discuss these and other stepfamily concerns: adoption, name changes, inheritance, rules for relationships between stepsiblings, how relationships with friends and relatives might be changed by the marriage, child discipline (who will fill what roles and how these roles will be phased in), career changes, competition for love and affection and how jealousy will be handled (it can usually be assumed there will be some), and the setting of priorities for the new family.
Discussing a list like this might seem to cast a negative light on the new relationship. After all, it’s possible many of these issues won’t be a problem for a particular family. Unfortunately, however, we don’t know in advance which issues those are. The point of this discussion is to erect warning signs. The family can’t afford to be ignorant.
Including the Children
In remarital counseling, our tendency is to work only with the couple. After all, we reason, the children aren’t getting married. The fact is, however, as illustrated by Shana and George’s situation, that in many ways the children are getting married, and they will be one of the most important factors in determining whether the new marriage lasts. The number-one cause of divorce in remarriages is conflict over the children. This is true even if the children are old enough to take care of themselves. Children are tied so closely to parents that if the natural parent has to choose between the new spouse and his or her children, the new spouse usually loses.
I normally devote two sessions to discussing the issues with the children present. In the first session, I ask them to tell me their understanding of what’s happening and what concerns they have. If the children are hesitant to talk (as they often are), I’ll ask everyone to write the topics they think we should talk about; they don’t have to sign their lists. If there are children too young to write, I ask them to draw pictures of what they think the new family might be like.
Once I’ve received the children’s topics, I bring up the issues one by one. I find it’s usually best to give the people with the least power the chance to talk first. That way, they don’t feel they have to conform to what their parents or older siblings have said. I encourage the parents to truly give the children the freedom to talk without fear of penalty, reminding Mom and Dad of the penalty they will pay if they don’t allow the children to talk early on.
Checking Progress of the Grief Process
After suffering a great loss, the grieving person experiences shock, denial, anger, a desire to bargain, and eventually an acceptance of what has happened. Only after this acceptance stage is reached can the grieving person begin to build a new life on solid ground. In divorce situations, there’s the added element of dealing with guilt. If the wounds have not healed by the time the person remarries, chances are high there will be carryover problems in the new relationship, as Joan found out.
Joan’s first husband had been unfaithful to her. She was deeply hurt, but she decided to stay with the marriage and try to make it work. Unfortunately, her husband continued in his unfaithfulness, and a divorce followed. A year later, Joan met Paul at a church activity. After a brief courtship, the two became engaged and got married.
Paul’s job put him in situations where he met many women, some of them quite attractive. At first this didn’t seem to bother Joan. But after a few months, she became distrustful of Paul, eventually accusing him of unfaithfulness. Paul had never been unfaithful to Joan, but her distrust grew until it became too much for Paul. He finally insisted they see a counselor or he would move out. When they came for counseling, Joan’s old hurt and bitterness emerged. She had been reacting to her first husband all along, though she didn’t seem aware of it.
Active grief can be a problem for widows and widowers as well. One newlywed of six months confided that he was having difficulty accepting his new wife for who she was. He kept wanting her to be like his first wife. As long as the wounds of his grief remained unhealed, he wasn’t capable of accepting his new wife.
These wounds can be healed with time and work, but it’s difficult to maintain a marriage in the meantime. For this reason, if one or both of the engaged people are still working through the grief process, I suggest they delay the wedding. Normally, I don’t encourage remarriage within a year of the divorce or the death of a spouse.
The Importance of Premarital Purity
Connie was shaking when I first met her. After sitting in silence for a few minutes, she explained that she had been married for twenty years and now divorced for one. She was extremely lonely, so she had been seeing a number of men. When I asked her whether the relationships were providing the companionship she needed, she started crying again. She said they had all provided some companionship and had all led to sexual involvement. As soon as she slept with the men, however, the companionship, and the relationships in general, deteriorated rapidly. Before long the men were gone.
Finally Connie looked up at me and asked if I were married. When I said yes, she said, “How long could you go without sex after having it regularly for years? I’m normal, and I have normal needs.”
Her question highlights the problem faced by millions of divorced people. Connie was a Christian. She didn’t believe in sex outside of marriage. On the other hand, she had grown accustomed to sexual relations during her twenty years as a wife. Like many couples, even during the stormy ending of their union, she and her husband often enjoyed sex. Now she was alone, and she wasn’t doing a very good job of resisting temptation.
Surveys show that the majority of engaged couples whose partners have already been married are or have been sexually active. Often, even the Christians among them see this as acceptable. One such woman challenged me to give her scriptural documentation that her sexual activity was wrong. When I presented her with a simple word study on the word porneia, she reluctantly agreed that she was wrong. But she still wouldn’t believe God disapproved of her behavior.
I’ve learned to meet this problem head on. As with any premarital counseling I do, I routinely inquire about the extent of sexual activity the couple has experienced with one another. The couple is expecting this, because I explain what the counseling will involve when they first approach me. Interestingly, while I encounter a great deal of awkwardness, I have always found couples to be honest.
When I find they have been sexually active, I explain my understanding of Scripture on the subject, and I encourage them to seek forgiveness from God and each other. I then tell them that I hope they will remain chaste until they’re married, but that at least during our weeks of counseling, I will be asking them about their progress in this area. I know-and tell them so-that refraining from a sexual relationship won’t be easy. And even when couples are willing, relapses are common. But I make no apologies about calling them to the high standards of Scripture.
I’m careful to explain why I ask something so personal. First, they have come to me, a representative of the church. While our society tends to value individual freedom over accountability, the church exists to provide guidance to its members.
Second, I ask no more than what God has already commanded. This law is what’s best for us, since God’s commands are based in his love for us.
Finally, apart from all moral and spiritual arguments, it’s important for a couple to determine how much their relationship is based solely on sex. One young lady challenged my teaching on sex outside marriage, but it turned out she and her fianc had little else they did together. When they finally agreed to abstain until their wedding, they were forced to look at the weakness of their relationship and consider ways to strengthen it. When they did get married, sex didn’t have to carry the burden of their entire relationship.
When couples object to my asking such personal questions, I explain these reasons and tell them I am not willing to do less than my best with them, so I don’t make exceptions. I have had many couples, particularly those coming to me from outside my church, elect to go elsewhere. I accept this possibility because I know that if I ignore these important questions, they will suffer for it at some point.
The Unavoidable Legal Issues
Legal issues are particularly important for remarital preparation, because the previous marriage often leaves lingering entanglements. When there are children from a previous marriage, for example, who will have custody? Where will the children live? What will the visitation arrangements be? Will anyone besides the ex-spouse have visitation rights? (It’s becoming increasingly common for courts to recognize the rights of grandparents to visit their grandchildren.) Is the stepparent planning on adopting the children? If so, is this likely to be opposed in court? Finally, what is the likely impact of these decisions on the children?
Financial questions also arise out of the legal aspects. Is either partner receiving-or paying-alimony or child support? How will this affect the overall financial picture? Will court action be necessary to make a modification?
I also alert the couple to inheritance issues. How should current wills be modified? Who will be designated guardians of the children should the natural parent die? Will the new marriage change the inheritance of the children? Is a trust fund needed?
Many of these legal questions are outside my expertise as a minister, and the best help I can offer then is to refer the couple to a competent attorney.
Because of the number and complexity of the issues in remarital preparation, I try to meet with couples for eight sessions. I realize that’s a heavy investment for any minister, but I’ve found that remarital preparation cannot be adequately carried out in one or two sessions. I also recognize that covering all the possible concerns may seem overwhelming. Nonetheless, I try at least to raise the questions. With careful thought and Christian support, couples who remarry can greatly increase their chances for a stable and lasting union.
Both Brad and Kim were married early in life, and both marriages came to an early end. Their divorces were painful, and the effects of their divorces on their children made it clear to both that divorce was wrong. Unable to undo that wrong, however, they sought support and guidance from the church and the Lord. Eventually they met one another and grew closer. After three years, they decided to get married. The church supported them, and the marriage was an occasion for celebration.
But no one is immune from the problems created by divorce, and Brad and Kim experienced many of the problems I have discussed. After four years of marriage, they are still struggling with problems like child visitation, resentment toward former spouses, and the need to let the new mate be his or her own person. They are struggling through it, however, with the Lord and his church. Their marriage has brought them closer to God, and they serve him eagerly.
We can help many couples like Brad and Kim as we have courage and the love to assist them in working through the unique needs of a remarital union.
Randy Christian is pastor to children and families at Beaverton Christian Church, Beaverton, Oregon.
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The Bible was not given to increase our knowledge but to change our lives.
-D. L. Moody
Our soundest knowledge is to know that we know God not as indeed he is, neither can we know him; and our safest eloquence concerning him is our silence, when we confess, without confession, that his glory is inexplainable, his greatness above our capacity and reach.
-Richard Hooker
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