Serving a church. Raising a family. Too often they seem like competing demands. Are pastors who are committed both to their families and the church forced to shortchange one or the other? The latest book in THE LEADERSHIP LIBRARY answers with a resounding no!
The Healthy Hectic Home by LEADERSHIP managing editor Marshall Shelley offers the accumulated wisdom of people in ministry who have found ways to balance their dual calling to church and family. The following excerpt from that book deals with the pastor's challenge of providing a positive church experience for his own children.
What do Alice Cooper and Cotton Mather have in common? Not much, except that both grew up as sons of ministers.
The same is true of Aaron Burr, Orville and Wilbur Wright, Walter Mondale, John Tower, Marvin Gay, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Sir Laurence Olivier. Other "preacher's kids" include Albert Schweitzer, Christian Barnaard, and Harriet Beecher Stowe.
There is no guarantee, of course, that any child, whether born to a preacher, professor, plumber, or prince, will decide to live in a way that brings honor to God and joy to parents. Nor can pastoral couples ensure even that their children will find church a place to enjoy rather than endure. Some factors are beyond parental control-critics, conflict-but parents can help prepare children for church life, interpret what's happening, and create an atmosphere that makes church life much more appealing.
Let's look at some of the key elements in helping kids have a healthy experience in their church life.
Orienting Children to the Ministry
Some orientation can help children handle the realities of life in a ministry home. If they are prepared, they aren't as likely to be jolted by difficult people or situations. Most pastors and spouses I surveyed said they brief their children not to expect people to be perfect, but to see the importance of ministry.
"I try to teach them that the church is not above hurts, criticism, and conflict. These are growing areas-great teaching times," said one pastor. "As a family, we endure the bad, enjoy the good, and grow in both. We're teaching them to be liberal in gratitude, and to write notes of thanks and praise to encourage others. I often speak of the faithfulness of God's people through the ages."
"We pray as a family for hurting members," said another.
Yet another pastor wasn't quite so delicate in his choice of words: "The number one issue for me has been to let them know I love the Lord and the church he died for-and because sheep are sheep, there's frequently lots of sheep dung to clean up. So we're not shocked when sinners sin."
Each of these expresses in a different way the same truth: children of ministry benefit from periodically being briefed on what to expect.
Entering Each Other's World
Parenting books stress the importance of spending time with your children. And who would argue? But some of these books leave the impression that parents should eliminate the activities they enjoy and bore themselves silly with coloring books and Parcheesi.
While it probably wouldn't harm any of us to join our preschoolers with the Play-Doh or our junior highers with the video games, involvement doesn't always have to mean descending to the level of a child in order to relate.
Preacher's kid Tim Stafford describes his own upbringing: "My father didn't join the neighborhood football games; we probably would have been embarrassed if he had. He never played Monopoly with us. He encouraged us in our chosen vocation of fishing, but he never bought a rod and reel himself. I always had the impression that we were kids, allowed the kiddish dignity of going about our kiddish affairs in all seriousness, without adult interference.
"I am not certain I can recommend my father's lack of involvement in our interests, but I strongly recommend his alternative-involving us in his. He allowed us to enter his world when we were interested in doing so. He and I trekked hundreds of miles in the back country of the Sierra Nevada together, not so much (I believe) because he was being a good father but because he wanted to go. We talked baseball because he was avidly interested. He also liked taking us to meetings with him. I remember particularly one Sunday night when after the evening service, I went with my father to a hotel restaurant to join a small circle of pastors chatting with Addison Leitch, one of my father's most admired seminary professors. I didn't know what they were talking about, but to this day my memory can bring back the rich pleasure of being allowed in adult male company as a sort of equal."
In some ways, the elder Stafford was showing his son the same respect he'd show for any friend-he sought common ground. Hopefully, one of those mutual interests will be ministry.
This was the situation for another pastor's son, who grew up to become a pastor himself: "I was raised in a parsonage, and most nights my dad had some meeting to attend. But I never resented it because he included me in his life."
One way to begin doing this is, as some church leaders do, to grant kids an open-door policy.
Bill Bright, the founder and president of Campus Crusade for Christ, says that when his children were small they always had access to him. No matter what important visitor might be in his office, the boys were allowed in for at least a brief greeting. Bright wanted them to know that their concerns took precedence over any problems he might be dealing with. He did not want them to feel they had to make an appointment to see their father.
These are a couple of general strategies for helping children have a healthy church experience. Now let's turn to specific situations.
When the Children Are Young
Pastors have several techniques when their children are preschoolers or in the early elementary grades.
Bedtime briefings. Even preschoolers can benefit from briefings, if they're handled simply and with imagination.
One church leader says that bedtime has proved the best time for this with his daughters. He explains: "Saturday night, or any night before a church event, as I'm tucking the girls in, I tell them about the good things to expect the next day-the friends they're going to see, the things they're going to do. And I'll try to tell them what to be listening for; I give them a foretaste of what they'll be hearing. If I know the Sunday school lesson, for instance, I'll tell the Bible story. My girls like that because (1) they feel more confident the next day when they hear the story, and (2) I throw in more detail than their teachers usually do.
"Once, for instance, my 3-year-old's teacher was telling the story of Jesus' healing the blind man. Stacey was eager to tell the class, 'His name was Bartimaeus!' a detail the teacher had somehow managed to overlook. Right now, our daughter is troubled because she knows the names of Noah's sons-Ham, Shem, and Japheth-but I can't tell her the names of the sons' wives who were on the ark, and her inquiring mind wants to know! But I'm glad to supply her with little details. I like to fire her imagination for the next day's activity."
Church as second home. Because they're at the church so often, children will naturally begin to see it as their second home. A number of pastors have tried to use this fact to their advantage.
"As our children were growing up, we tried to let them see the privileges that go along with the pastorate," says Kent Hughes of College Church in Wheaton, Illinois. "For example, they got the run of the church building during the week-gymnasium and all."
Jamie Buckingham, now pastoring in Florida, said that when his kids were small, "we wanted them to feel the church was an extension of their house, so they were welcome in the office-and occasionally during worship one of them would come up on the platform and stand with me during the congregational singing. I allowed that because it didn't disrupt our worship, and it helped reinforce that the church was their place, too."
Warm associations. Many pastors try to make sure their kids associate church with positive feelings. Part of this comes naturally through friends, caring teachers, and the positive perspective of parents. But at least one pastor did even more.
"I've always sat on the front row with my family during worship services, not up on the platform," wrote this pastor. "I go to the pulpit only when I have a specific task to perform. Otherwise I've always been sitting there stroking my children's hair, scratching the back of their necks, kneading their shoulders-and they never wiggled a muscle for fear I would stop. We never had a behavior problem in church with either of them. Now that they're older, they simply would not miss a church service-and I've pondered whether their faithfulness is not built to some extent on a subconscious association with good feelings of warmth and intimacy."
Avoiding after-service neglect. The moments right after the worship service are an important time for the pastor to make contact with people. But a crowded narthex can be a confusing place for young children, especially when both parents are concentrating on greeting worshipers.
One pastor's daughter told about trying to talk to her father in the foyer after the Sunday morning service. She shouted, "Dad, Dad," but she couldn't get his attention. Finally she said, "Pastor!" and got his immediate attention. Understandably, she felt her father was more interested in others than in her.
"I know that my children will superimpose the image of their father, to some degree, upon their understanding of God," says David Goodman, pastor of Winnetka (Illinois) Bible Church. "Most kids do. I don't want my kids seeing God as one who is interested only in others and not in them. At the same time, the time in the foyer after a Sunday service is crucial ministry time."
So he has devised an arrangement. "We get someone, usually one of the single women, to get our two youngest kids from their classrooms and watch them for the forty-five minutes right after church while we're busy. We pay her, and sometimes she takes them to the park across the street, or, if the weather is bad, she plays with them in a room in the church.
"We don't need child care for our 10-year-old; she's seeing her friends and talking to other people. (I think one of the advantages for kids growing up in a church home is that they tend to be well socialized; they get more interaction with adults.) But for the two younger ones, we had to get child care because otherwise they get into mischief. After all, they've been in church two to three hours already, and if we're too harsh on them, they begin to resent the whole experience. That's the last thing we want. We want them to enjoy going to church as we enjoy going to church."
When Children Are Older
In the later elementary-school years and beyond, strategies change. Here are some methods used by ministry parents who have preteens and adolescents.
The first and most common is to involve the children in various aspects of the ministry. One way is to pay them for office work. "I'll often bring one of my kids to the church when he or she needs to earn a little money," said John Yates of The Falls Church in northern Virginia. "There's always some filing or sweeping that needs to be done, and I pay them out of my pocket.
"My dad was in the department store business when I was young. I started working there when I was 12, and he'd pay me out of his pocket. It made me feel special that my dad was in charge of this organization, and that I could work there, too. And the employees made us feel special. Well, I see that same kind of feeling here. My kids feel loved when they come here to work."
Another way to involve children is to take them along on certain kinds of visitation. Hank Simon of Signal Hill Lutheran Church near St. Louis, Missouri, takes his 10-year-old along every time he visits Mrs. Keller, a long-time member of the church who is a shut-in. And over the years Christy has grown very close to "her shut-in." Mrs. Keller often has little treats for Christy. For instance, when Christy took her an Easter basket, Mrs. Keller had some chocolate-covered peanuts for her.
"Christy is learning that caring is part of the Christian life," says Mary Simon, Christy's mom. "Now she's worried because the woman's cat is more than 14 years old. Recently she asked me, 'What will Mrs. Keller do when her cat dies?' I was touched that a 10-year-old could care so deeply for her elderly friend."
Another time, Mary Simon remembers, Christy stood on the footrest of a wheelchair so one of the blind people could feel her face. Finally the woman said, "Thank you. I'm so glad to see you."
"Our daughters remember visiting the 101-year-old lady in the nursing home-and going to a funeral of a young child," said Mary. "By being involved in ministry this way, they have developed a good sense of life's stages."
Yet another strategy is to occasionally single out children for special treatment. A number of pastors' kids recall their parents' doing something especially for them, even amid the busyness of ministry. This reminder that they were "more special" than the members of the congregation often made a profound and lasting mark on their attitudes toward ministry.
One of the best reminders: spending time one-on-one periodically. Sometimes this requires firm resolve. One pastor, who was also the son of a pastor, recalled a key moment in his upbringing.
"In addition to pastoring, my dad worked a second job, 3-11 P.M. five nights a week, to support our family. But about once every other month, he would do something one-on-one with each of us kids. One Saturday morning, it was my turn, and Dad and I were getting ready to go hunting."
Suddenly a car pulled in front of the house. It was Wilbur Enburg, one of the elders, and he wanted the pastor to come with him.
"It's Joe and Laura," Wilbur said. "They're upset and say they're going to leave the church. I think you should go see them."
"I talked with Joe last week, and with Laura the week before that," the pastor said. "The situation can wait."
Wilbur wasn't happy. "I think you should see them today."
"Sorry," said the pastor as his son watched silently. "I'm going hunting today."
Wilbur's face got red. "If you go hunting, don't bother to come back." Then he turned to get back into his car.
"I don't think you mean that, Wilbur," the pastor said. "I'll see you in church tomorrow."
The pastor's son reflects, "As Dad and I headed off to the woods, I had to ask, 'Is this going to cost you your job?'
" 'I don't think so,' Dad said. 'But if it does, the job is not worth keeping.' "
Sure enough, the matter with Joe and Laura was not an emergency. They did not leave the church, and the pastor's ministry remained intact. And the pastor's son learned a lasting lesson: his dad considered him more important than pleasing a particular elder. That affirmation has lasted nearly forty years.
This story, however, raises another question in giving children a healthy church experience: How to handle the conflicts and difficult people that arise in any church? How do these affect the children?
The Critical and the Contentious
When difficulties arise in church life, parents face the challenge of explaining to the kids what's happening without souring the children's attitudes toward the church. The approaches will differ depending on the ages and maturity levels of the children, of course, but some of the key principles remain constant.
Most pastoral families try to shield their children, especially in their younger years, from exposure to the criticisms and conflicts of church life.
"We don't want to poison their attitudes toward the church or toward any individual," said one minister's spouse. "So we don't roast the congregation at the dinner table. We try to focus on the positive things happening in the church."
Of course, there will be times when children will eavesdrop on conversations, or, when a critic phones you at home, they'll overhear your side of the conversation. They may sense your discomfort or hear you desperately trying to phrase an appropriate response. Then, after you've hung up the phone, what do you say?
"After I've been discussing a church problem on the phone," said a California pastor, "often our young children will ask me, 'Who was that on the phone?' I'll say, 'Someone from church,' and if they press for details, I'll simply tell them, 'It's not your conversation.' "
As children get older, however, and begin answering the phone themselves, they'll know who the other person is, and when they sense from your responses that there is tension, a bit more explanation may be in order.
Most pastors let their children know that other people often see things differently-and that's okay. They don't badmouth the people but try to explain the differing points of view.
One tough situation is explaining why a particular family is leaving the church.
"I'll try to give people the benefit of the doubt-'they felt they had legitimate reasons, and people need to find a church where they feel comfortable,' " said one pastor.
The most important principle seems to be: Don't overstate the seriousness of the conflict. If you're going to err, err on the side of understating the problem. Children don't have the perspective their parents do. They have a hard time understanding that "5 percent of the congregation is giving us a hard time." Instead, their lasting impression is likely to be "The whole church gave us a raw deal"-an attitude that can have long-lasting effects.
One pastor tells of a mistake in handling church tensions: "A man has been harassing me recently. He wants me to do something I can't do. Our board has discussed the issue, and their decision has been clear. But this man feels I should override the board's decision. He and I have discussed the situation many times; he has called me at all hours-even 4 o'clock in the morning! I had to hang up on him a time or two.
"The other night my 11-year-old daughter answered the phone and told my wife that Mr. Smith wanted to talk to me. I was upstairs, but my wife, knowing the situation, said, 'Tell him your Daddy can't talk to him right now.'
"My wife immediately regretted that she hadn't told Mr. Smith herself, because it tore up my daughter. She didn't know the situation, but she knew I was home. She naturally wondered, 'Why won't Daddy talk to him?' She sensed the tension, and she was scared. So that night I tried to explain that I'd tried to help the man, but couldn't, and he kept bothering us. When she realized there wasn't a genuine need, she could accept that. But she should never have been put in that position."
Learning from that mistake, the parents now vow to handle such encounters themselves.
Another pastor, reflecting on his three pastorates in three different states, said: "I don't think the kids ever heard us talk negatively about people. Frequently my wife or I would say, 'This is a tough week for us, kids. Dad's under a lot of pressure.' Or 'Dad's had a few disappointments, so I may not be myself.' But I wouldn't say, 'Joe Brown is really socking it to me this week.'
"Yes, there would be times when they knew somebody had called frequently. So it was not unusual to say, 'You need to know that Mr. and Mrs. Smith are having a rough time these days. Mom and Dad are helping them. You may see them here at the house for a while tomorrow night. We'd really appreciate it if you'd just breathe a prayer for Mom and Dad that we can find the best way to help.' As the kids grew older, they would join us in praying for these people and would delight when we would bring them good news about so-and-so. We didn't break confidences. But we did paint broad-stroke pictures for them so they understood the things they observed."
Another pastor, F. Dean Lueking of Grace Lutheran Church in River Forest, Illinois, established specific ground rules for talking about church conflicts.
"I always try to operate by this principle when I'm with my children: to talk about adversaries in such a way that if they were present, they'd feel their views had been fairly represented. I often find myself saying, 'I can see why he feels that way, even though it distresses me.' "
This practice gives children a healthy perspective on conflict. They see that even while people differ, respect can be maintained.
At times, though, Lueking found he needed to invoke a second ground rule, "our four-minute rule."
"Especially at the dinner table," he says, "we would put a limit of four minutes on conversation about congregational troubles. Then it would be on to the Cubs, vacation plans, our reading, or whatever. Pastors can go on and on about church problems, and I wanted to make sure that didn't dominate our talk and our thoughts."
Capitalizing on the Compensations
Perhaps the most important element in helping children grow up to love the church is not simply to prepare them for the bad times but to accentuate the good experiences.
Donald Bubna describes a tradition of hospitality his family developed while serving churches in San Diego and later in Salem, Oregon: "On Christmas Eve we would have a buffet in our home after the early Christmas Eve service for people who were alone. Christmas Day was our family celebration, but Christmas Eve was always an outreach event, and we'd invite people who needed it the most. That was part of our ministry as a family.
"As the children got older, we'd ask each child, 'Who do you want to invite this year?' And they would say, 'Let's have so-and-so. I don't know them very well' or 'I don't think so-and-so has anyplace to go.' At times, we would end up with strange combinations of people. But it was a rich time of ministry."
Not only did that provide positive memories, but it even had life-changing impact. The Bubna children are now grown and living on their own, but Don reports, "Last Christmas, we called our daughter, and she had put together a Christmas Eve buffet for some twenty people. Then we called our son who's in Alaska, and he'd had a group of people in, too, 'just like we always did, Dad.'
"As a parent, this is one of my greatest rewards: to see children freely choose to reach out to others by continuing, and building on, our family's tradition."
Copyright © 1988 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
