Three Reasons We Say No - Christianity Today

My ear still scorched after Mrs. Daley hung up on me. Few people had her talent for telling off a preacher. I would comply with her wishes or else, because she belonged to a leading family: three deacons, the church treasurer, and a Sunday school teacher.

The conflict arose because the youth leader would not let Mrs. Daley’s daughter spend the night at the church camp, ten miles away, with the other teens.

During the day, the youth led our children’s program. At night they had their own Bible study. To stay at camp, teens had to have gone through several weeks of training. Mrs. Daley’s daughter had not gone through the training and wasn’t helping with the children, but she still wanted to spend the night at camp.

The youth leader stood her ground, saying it wouldn’t be fair to all the ones who had worked so hard. Nonetheless, she said she would put it to a vote of the youth group, and if the other kids didn’t mind, the girl could spend the night. The kids minded, and the girl took it personally. At that point, Mrs. Daley appealed to me. When I stood by the original rules, she insisted the church wasn’t treating her family right.

Most pastors could tell similar stories. We constantly face people making special requests. Usually we have no difficulty complying, but sometimes we must refuse. The reason for refusing, however, is not always clear-even to us.

I’ve found it’s vital to understand why I’m saying no. Usually it’s for one of three reasons.

The person asking

Sometimes we find ourselves wanting to say no because past dealings with the person have produced so much frustration and anger. Those feelings, if not dealt with, may build until the person becomes the issue. He or she may bring a request that would be perfectly acceptable if brought by someone else, but we veto the person behind the request.

It may be the deacon who tells me everything wrong with the order of worship last Sunday. It may be the lady who moved to another church several years ago but who still tries to arrange special programs, soloists, and singing groups for the church. It may be the person who attends conferences and wants to know why our little church doesn’t implement all the programs the big churches have. All pastors have a few of these folks supervising them.

My conflict with Mrs. Daley began a two-year cold war. In a revival service, however, we both realized the sinfulness of our attitudes. We confessed our sin to each other and began a six-month period of reconciliation. I recognize now that when I refuse a request simply because of who’s making it, I’m grieving God and need to correct my attitude through prayer and acts of reconciliation.

The request itself

Some requests a minister will always refuse. Sometimes church policy proscribes fulfilling the request. Most churches, for example, have policies for admission to the Lord’s Supper and baptism. The question isn’t left to the minister’s discretion.

Ministers do, however, set other restrictions. Some years ago I established the policy that I would not perform a marriage unless the couple participated in premarital counseling.

Sometimes I say no to a request to safeguard my reputation. Alarmed by the frequency of sexual scandal in the ministry, my wife and I decided I would not call on women in their homes unless someone was with me. I counsel them at my office when my secretary is there, or at home when my wife is present. The policy helps avoid even the appearance of impropriety.

Other times I say no in order to refer a person to someone who will do a better job. In most cases when a woman comes for counseling, for example, I refer her to my wife, who is a seminary graduate trained in counseling. Sometimes, I refer to the person who handles the appropriate area. It seems only proper to many people that I should know if the bus has gas in it, if we have enough paper cups for the youth fellowship, or what the children’s choir will be practicing next week. After all, I’m the pastor. When I say “I’m not the person to handle that,” it may sound like laziness or lack of interest.

I’ve learned to take a few moments to clarify why I’m saying no.

The way the person asks

With some requests the primary problem is the way the person makes it. Some of the oldest and dearest saints in the churches I’ve served have used their age and health like clubs to try to beat me into submission. When I deny their requests, they pour on the guilt.

Confronting these folks is difficult, but it’s no favor to them or the church to allow them to continue using their influence like a bargaining chip.

I made a mistake when I avoided confronting Mrs. Daley’s manipulations and addressed only the law we had laid down. While this approach seemed easiest, she needed to hear that her attitude and style had to change. Without that, how was she to grow? Besides, dealing at the outset with her manipulation might have avoided two years of turmoil.

Dealing with the issues

Saying no, even when intended for the spiritual growth of a person, may be counterproductive, if we fail to clarify the reason for the negative response. If we don’t understand our motivation in refusing a request, or if we avoid addressing it squarely, the person may be confused or may fortify the destructive attitude.

In Mrs. Daley’s case, people had different perceptions of the issue. For the youth leader, the denial of her request was simply a matter of following the rules. To the mother and daughter, however, the negative response felt like a personal affront. And to me, manipulation was the major issue, but I never said anything about it. Because we never clarified the issue, these dynamics affected programs and relationships for several years. Understanding why we say no and communicating that effectively will help reduce this kind of conflict.

When the person is the issue, we need to repent of our sin in order to function responsibly. When the request is the issue, the church member needs to know there’s nothing personal in the rejection. When the style of relating is the issue, the person needs to know that style will not be encouraged.

But in every case, I must first understand why I’m saying no.

-Harry L. Poe

assistant professor of evangelism

Southern Baptist Theological Seminary

Louisville, Kentucky