Early in my marriage, I realized my pace was having an adverse impact on my wife. But I was a pastor! My feet hit the floor running. I wanted to help people. I wanted to meet their expectations.
The church soon doubled in size and implemented a second worship service. Administering a church program, calling on new people, struggling to stay accessible to meet people’s needs stuck me in “frantic.” But after fifteen years of this, my wife began to lose hope. Joy was gone. Resentment was building. My promises to do better never lasted. A cool distance developed between us.
Eventually we ended up seeing a counselor, and agreed to live by some principles that restructured my time and gave our marriage new life.
Admit I have a problem
I realized that I, not my wife, was the problem. Although I took some regular time off, I was dragging her through life, allowing everyone else to control my schedule.
My family background taught me that hard work in academics and athletics yielded the ego-building rewards of approval and appreciation. It was natural for me to practice this pattern through college and seminary and perpetuate it in the ministry. I began to suspect, however, that “servanthood” was, in many cases, a cleverly disguised insecurity.
Whatever environmental and psychological factors might be involved in my workaholism, I realized that only when I admit my problem, and accept responsibility for it, will I make progress.
Set a “block” calendar
I needed a schedule to work “smart,” not just long. The counselor taught me some techniques to balance a workaholic’s schedule.
Divide waking hours into three four-hour blocks: 8-Noon, 1-5 P.M., 6-10 P.M. This yields twenty-one blocks of time in a week. With space for meals and sleeping.
Select twelve blocks (forty-eight hours) for church ministry.
Accomplish priority items in that amount of time.
When a wedding or meeting falls on an “off” block, trade with a “work” block.
Recognize that a wedding or meeting normally takes a substantial portion of the evening. Work a full block of time.
Secure permission for a three-month trial of this schedule.
Schedule non-death emergencies into work blocks.
Such a schedule became a governor on my time to prevent me from overworking and overheating our marriage.
Substitute, don’t add
Time is finite. I can’t just keep adding activities without automatically subtracting time from others. As my life grew fuller, the subtractions began to hurt vital areas. When I said yes to speaking engagements on Monday night, I was saying no to my family. When I said yes to a counseling appointment during my study time, I was saying no to the congregation on Sunday morning because I had less time to prepare.
Now, when asked to take on a new ministry, I count the cost. Instead of asking if I will lose another’s approval, I ask myself, “What will I stop in order to take on this new ministry?”
Ministry means both home and church
I used to feel guilty about playing with my children or enjoying an extended conversation with my wife. I could hear a hundred “ministry” tasks calling. Part of the restructuring of my ministry involved learning that family time is ministry, too. In fact, family is at the core of ministry (1 Timothy 3).
These principles have helped me relax. Carol feels relieved that I have time for her and the children. The church has supported my new scheduling. The rejection I feared never came.
For years I preached cream in family time but lived skimmed milk. Ever so slowly, I have begun to practice what I have been preaching.
-David Grant
Marysville, Washington
Copyright © 1989 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
