Trust is essential for healthy relationships. Erik Erikson proposed that establishing trust is the primary step in psychological development. When trust is eroded or shattered, it is difficult but possible to rebuild it.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM
Often, when we have been deeply hurt, fear of confrontation may cause us to withdraw from the relationship. Facing the offending person and verbally expressing the disappointment, anger, and demolished sense of trust is important. The other person may be blind to the consequences of his or her behavior. I’ve counseled with people who couldn’t imagine why a child or parent or sibling had suddenly broken off contact. It never occurred to them that something they had done led to that response.
Confronting the issue also relieves some of our distress. It puts issues in the open where they can be discussed, and (if I understand Jesus) it’s scripturally commanded.
CHOOSE TO FORGIVE
Whenever trust is broken, you have a difficult choice: harbor your hurt and reinforce your mistrust, or forgive the other person.
I strongly recommend forgiveness. It is far less emotionally expensive than bitterness, which consumes great globs of our neuronal energy and cortical storage space.
I’m a fortunate man. I’ve been forgiven so often that I can’t cast the first stone. When I focus on my own breeches of trust, I must forgive others when they follow my example and break trust with me.
VERBALLY COMMIT
Saying you want to rebuild the trust is risky. The person may reject your offer with a defensive denial of wrongdoing. Worse, he or she may treat your offer with disdain. However, if expressed as a sincere desire for relationship and not as a self-righteous offer, I believe your commitment can be heard. It may have to be repeated and coupled with acts of love.
To me the alternative—lifelong mistrust—is not attractive. It’s worth the risk to say, “Our relationship is very important to me, and I want you to know I’m going to work to restore it.”
RISK WISELY
I don’t think committing to rebuild means turning off your brain. Trust is built by a series of successful risks: expressing vulnerability and finding a safe response.
Rebuilding trust is the same process. Consequently, it is sensible to begin with small risks. If a trusted person stole your savings, it wouldn’t be wise to give him or her the combination to your safe as the first step of rebuilding trust. But you might risk giving the person $5 and a grocery list.
WORK TOGETHER
Some years ago I seriously violated my wife’s trust. I wanted to know what I could do to restore her faith. Melissa thought it would be obvious to me that certain actions would erode her trust. She had a hard time believing I could be so ignorant or insensitive. She was finally convinced.
Talk openly about those actions that are restorative. When they happen, express your appreciation for them: “Thanks for telephoning that you were going to be late” or “I appreciate your inviting me to go with you on the trip.” Continued accusations make change more difficult; “I didn’t think you’d keep your word” hardly invites closeness.
CELEBRATE THE VICTORY
When you’re honestly working toward rebuilding trust, you will one day realize you’re trusting again. It’s such a gradual process that it’s likely to come gently to your awareness, like the dawning of a new day. When it occurs, thank God and have a feast of celebration with the person. That’s worth a serious party!
—LOUIS McBurney, M.D.Founder, Marble RetreatMarble, Colorado
1996 Christianity Today/LEADERSHIP Journal
