After visiting a few services, she came by Phil’s office one Monday morning. Phil was usually at his depleted worst on Monday morning, and that snowy winter day was no exception. Phil was at his desk considering all the reasons to resign and go ice fishing when his secretary, Jan, came in.
“Pastor, a visitor who’s been coming to church lately is in the office. Rose Sullivan. She didn’t have an appointment but insists on seeing you.” Jan rolled her eyes. “And she knows how to be very insistent!”
Phil thought, The last thing I want is to listen to some insistent complainer, but he said, “Show her in.”
Just after Jan departed, Rose burst into the office. “There you are, Pastor Jones!” she exclaimed. “Can I call you Phil? Of course I will, dear, because I understand you!”
Rose was middle aged and with casually but carefully tasseled black hair that framed a flawless face and big blue eyes with long, dark curls. She wore expensive gold jewelry that accented a stylish and seductive dress. Her energy filled the room.
“Phil,” she continued as she walked around his desk and put her hand on his arm, “I’m a sensitive, perceptive person, and I’ve been watching how these people are treating you. They have no idea what a wonderful man you are.”
Phil was speechless. Never had anyone been so exuberant about him. His wife, Sue, had never been that enthusiastic.
“I know what you need,” she continued. “You need someone who can pray for you and encourage you, spiritually. I bet you don’t have anyone doing that do you?”
“Well, no, I don’t,” Phil admitted. “It’s been a long time since anyone seemed to really care.”
At ease with sexuality
It had been a roller coaster ride for Phil. After two rough years in a church plant, the fellowship erupted in growth. From slogging along week by week, wondering if the church would survive, he went to running full speed just trying to keep up. It was both exhilarating and exhausting.
In the fourth year, he was caught in a power struggle with a founding elder who felt his power eroding. The elder tried to get Phil fired, but when that failed, he left the church, carrying with him several prominent families. Not only did that reduce the ranks, it drained away key leaders and financial support. The experience left Phil drained—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
One of the most devastating effects was on Phil’s ability to trust. The group who’d left had been his major support system. He’d depended on them, believed in their loyalty, and had become vulnerable before them. When they left, he doubted he could ever open up with anyone again. His withdrawal even extended to Sue, toward whom he became increasingly distant and detached. Their relationship deteriorated to the point of barely tolerating each other.
Slowly the church began to recover, and new families joined. But it took all of Phil’s efforts. The recovery became his solitary focus. He was like a wounded infantryman refusing to quit.
In the midst of that dismal battle, Rose appeared.
Rose began arriving at the church office almost every day to pray for Phil. Then once a week, she found some excuse for coming by just at lunch time and insisted on taking Phil and Jan to lunch. When spring came, Jan wasn’t invited anymore.
Once Rose prepared a gourmet picnic and invited Phil to share it with her at her house by the lake.
“I don’t know if that would be appropriate,” Phil replied—though he really wanted to go. He’d come to enjoy these lunches. Rose seemed to be one of the few people who understood the pressures he faced. Still he was a pastor.
“Why not?” Rose asked innocently.
“Well, you know,” Phil stumbled. “In a public place, of course. As a pastor … “
“Oh, don’t be a silly. I’m not going to rape you!” she said as she touched him lightly on his shoulder. “Seriously—I understand. We’ll be outdoors, in full view of the neighbor’s yard.”
“No, no, I didn’t mean that … “
“And you can check out my ski boat, which I’d like you and your family to use with me some time this summer.” Rose paused and looked at him teasingly. “And it would be a shame to waste this food.”
Flustered and confused, Phil agreed.
Rose was a divorcee who had no children but lots of money. She didn’t have to work and so focused her time and energy on her new project. She helped in the church office. She volunteered for all sorts of ministry events. She even insisted on babysitting so Phil and Sue could have time together. Steadily Rose became part of nearly every activity in Phil’s life.
Sue disliked Rose immediately. All sorts of warning lights blazed brightly when Rose came near.
“Phil, don’t you think you’re spending a little too much time with Rose?” she complained.
Phil dismissed her concerns. “Rose just has time on her hands and needs to invest it somewhere. The church is a good outlet,” he said.
But inside, he knew that Rose brought energy into his life. He enjoyed the praise and attention. He’d been a thirsty man in the desert who was suddenly basking in a cool oasis. He felt like Sue just wanted to drag him back into the barren wilderness.
Eventually Sue came to the point: “Phil, that woman is after you. People are starting to notice. Is she seducing you?”
Phil had always prided himself on being a highly disciplined, moral man. He held integrity to be of supreme value and had made vows that he took seriously. Besides, Rose had been a friend for over six months, and there had never been any sexual approach. Occasionally she would lace her conversation with a slightly sexual innuendo, but that seemed to be harmless play. And Phil enjoyed it. He’d never been with a woman who was so comfortable about sexuality.
So Phil replied, “Are you jealous? She takes care of herself, but you don’t need to feel threatened by her. We’re just good friends. Look, she’s 15 years older than I am. I’m not going to be seduced!”
Bikini on the boat
Summer came and the pressures of ministry eased off a little. Heavy discipleship training and outreach programs gave way to picnics and boating parties. Of course, Rose had the snazziest boat in the marina and insisted Phil, Sue, and their children water ski with her on those hot summer evenings. The kids loved it.
“Aunt Rose is great!” they said, and begged to stay over with “Aunt Rose.”
Sue did a slow burn. She wanted to run over “Aunt Rose” in that boat. It was so painful, she finally surrendered to despair and refused to go along. Rose protested and said how “it wasn’t any fun” when Sue didn’t join in.
On one of those lazy summer days, when the children and Sue were visiting grandmother for two weeks, Rose insisted Phil go skiing with her. She didn’t have anyone to drive the boat for her to ski, she explained.
When she came by to pick him up, she had a small package.
“Here, dear; this is for you,” Rose said warmly, “Just to tell you how much I appreciate all you do for me.”
Phil had been careful about gifts; he had already refused several that Rose had tried to give him. Often she prevailed through Jan because it was usually something for his office—what could possibly be wrong with that? But this seemed different, so Phil declined.
“Come on, Phil,” she persisted. “There’s nothing wrong with gifts between friends. Just pretend it’s an early birthday present.”
“Well, okay,” he said. “But I’ll put it away and open it on my birthday.”
“Oh, that won’t work. This is for boating. You’ve got to open it now.”
So Phil opened it. He was shocked to find a fluorescent orange bikini swim suit.
“I can’t wear this!” he protested.
“Oh, look at you. You’re blushing! You’re brighter than the suit. Come on. Don’t be an old stiff. You’ll look great in it. You can wear that old black thing you always wear over it till we’re out on the lake.”
As Phil put on the suit, he wondered if Sue might be right. Maybe he was flirting with danger. As he pulled on his black trunks, he determined to get the relationship back on the right track.
That evening on the boat, Rose made some explicit comments about being attracted to what he had under that bikini. She had worn a skimpy two-piece suit herself and lost the top in the lake on her last ski run. Phil was petrified when, by the light of the rising moon, Rose climbed into the boat, topless.
“Could you bring me a towel?” she asked coyly.
Rose laced her conversation with sexual innuendo, but that seemed to be harmless play.
Phil ducked into the hold, his heart and mind racing. He grabbed a towel, came up, tossed it to her, and turned away.
“Afraid I’m going to bite?” Rose asked.
“Rose, this isn’t right, and you know it!” Phil was full of both anger and lust.
“Come on, Phil. We’re both adults. It isn’t as if you’ve never seen a woman’s breasts.”
“You know what I mean. Please get dressed.”
“Don’t be angry. It was an accident.”
“Please get dressed, and let’s go back to shore.”
Rose stepped into the hold and put on a blouse. “I’m sorry,” she said when she emerged. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just thought, well, I guess I didn’t think.”
That night, Phil was both intoxicated with lust and gripped by fear. He couldn’t sleep; he couldn’t get the image of Rose’s climbing into the boat out of his mind. He knew he was in dangerous territory, but he thought he could save himself still. At about 3:00 a.m., he vowed to end the relationship as soon as possible.
In the morning, he drove to her home, and with a speech fully prepared, rang the doorbell.
Rose, still wearing her bathrobe, her hair slightly mussed, flashed him a big smile. “Phil, what a nice surprise!”
Deep erotic feelings pulsed up within him. He wavered, and then got a hold of himself. He stepped into the entryway and said curtly, “Rose, we’ve got to talk.”
He looked directly into her eyes, which had become wide with wonder. His heart raced.
That’s when he stepped foward, pulled her toward him, and kissed her.
Rose did not resist.
Blackmail
For the next few weeks, Phil threw all caution and judgment aside. He was locked in a passionate sexual affair beyond his greatest fantasies. Not only was the sex great, but with increasing attention and increasingly expensive gifts, Rose made him feel loved, admired, and treasured.
It wasn’t long before whispered rumors spread around church and town. Phil received anonymous notes and phone calls that referred to “Mrs. Sullivan” as “that Jezebel.” But Phil was so taken with Rose he didn’t care. Besides, his ministry didn’t seem to be suffering; the church was still thriving.
It was only when Sue, who had become increasingly suspicious, threatened to leave that he woke up.
Phil thought maybe it wasn’t too late to get his life back in order without a public fuss. He told Rose they had to break off the relationship: he could never leave Sue. A divorce would end his ministry, and he still felt deeply convinced he was called by God to preach—hadn’t God blessed him even in the midst of this “mistake”?
Rose seemed understanding. “Oh, Phil, I know you’ll never give up Sue or the church. I wouldn’t want you to. After all, your spiritual strength is what attracted me most.”
Phil breathed a sigh of relief; he hadn’t thought Rose would back off so easily.
“We can just slow things down for a while,” she continued, “and not see each other quite so often. You know I can’t live without you!”
Phil tried again to convince her that it just wouldn’t work. Her response froze him in terror.
“You bastard!” she shouted. “You think you can get anything you want from me and then just turn your back on me and run off? Well you’d better think again. If you don’t give me what I’ve been paying for, I’ll tell the church board how you raped me.”
Phil could hardly believe the intensity and venom coming from Rose. She seemed almost possessed. Her usual soft appearance had turned hard and vicious. She had once trapped him with attention and wealth; now it was with blackmail.
For the next few days, he had no idea what he was supposed to do, but things were soon taken out of his hands. Rose didn’t accuse Phil of rape, but she did tell a woman friend in the church about the affair. Word got out, and the elders confronted Phil. He was forced to confess his adultery to his wife, his congregation, and his denominational executives—the most painful moments of his life.
He soon began the long, arduous process of healing his relationship with Sue, as well as taking the difficult steps to restore the credibility of his ministry.
Danger signals
As a psychiatrist who works with pastors, I’m distressed at the frequency of scenarios similar to this—which is based on a composite of several ministers whom I’ve counseled. Every adulterous relationship isn’t the result of a seductive Rose Sullivan. Ministers have to take responsibility for their own behavior. But seductive women do exist, and every wise minister should be aware of the danger signs.
The characteristics, which are clinically known as “histrionic personality disorder,” are not universal, and not every woman who shows these traits is a seductress—so don’t make assumptions about anyone.
Just recognize the signs and program a warning alarm in your mind.
Rose was gregarious and outgoing, spicing up a room with her energy. The histronic person is highly verbal. Take caution when teasing becomes suggestive and the conversation is laced with sexual undertones.
This personality type can be theatrical and dramatic, good at entertaining, and expressive with their emotions. Watch when these emotions turn volatile, bouncing from laughter to anger and tears with lightning speed. After playfully teasing a partner, they can turn and humiliate or reject him.
Fashions tend to be more flamboyant today, so it may be difficult to determine when the line between self-expression and sexual enticement has been crossed. One signal is when more skin is exposed than is generally seen in church. Another is when dress becomes a means of drawing attention. Some ministers’ spouses may be more attuned to this. Phil saw his wife’s reaction in Rose’s presence. It was more than simple jealousy. He should have heeded the warning.
Some people appear to need affection. They are touchers and seem to be unaware how they invade others’ personal space. They are much more likely to seek conversations and companionship with the opposite sex; but in intimate relationships, they have problems.
Why might a woman act like this? The most common explanation is that, as a girl, she was complimented for her beauty and coyness; perhaps she wanted her dad’s attention and affection but didn’t get it. As she matured, she was left with a little girl’s need for male affection. She soon learned attractivenesss gave her power over men.
Though they want attention, they also have a great deal of unresolved anger toward men. It is common to find these women married to macho-looking men, where mutual attraction is based on physical appearance. Their sexual intimacy, however, is often bitterly disappointing. Fantasies of a Hollywood romance and sexual passion are blocked by immature narcissism.
Why ministers are vulnerable
Clergy are vulnerable to sexual enticement for two reasons.
First, as authority figures, the minister often becomes the target of behavior that is really directed toward others.
In one situation I know, three successive pastors were terminated by the same church for immoral behavior with the same church musician. In each case, she lured the minister into an intimate relationship and then claimed he had raped her. I was convinced working with two of the three pastors that, as a pastor’s daughter, she was acting out rage toward her father, who never had time for her.
Second, many ministers are lonely and isolated. They have heavy demands and little personal support. When someone comes along with friendly flirtation, it hooks one of their personal needs that most people ignore or deny. The seductive woman can easily play to that powerful part of the male ego. We want someone to affirm us not just for our sermons but for our maleness. These women do that. The vibes generated shake a man right to his most private parts.
Louis McBurney is a psychiatrist who counsels ministers at Marble Retreat in Marble, Colorado.
1998 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or contact us.
