Developing your Discernment - Christianity Today

The musicians of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra were once asked to name the most effective conductor. Arturo Toscanini won, hands down. When asked why, one of the instrumentalists said, “He could anticipate when you were about to make a mistake and keep you from making it.”

He had discernment.

Discernment, like musical talent, is innate, but it’s not like the gift of perfect pitch. The gift of discernment can be taught, practiced, and developed.

I have known many excellent leaders who were not given the gift of discernment. They could not read people. They read figures. They excelled in science, engineering, mathematics, and administration. They depended on management skills and organization.

Those blessed with even a little discernment, however, could develop significant sensitivity and intuition. I am one of those, having used discernment for many years both in manufacturing (overseeing 2,500 employees) and in ministry (chairing several national ministries).

If I could read my people correctly, I could make the most of their productivity and minimize their mistakes.

Catching what others miss

Words are the windows to the mind. Socrates said, “Speak, young man, that I might know you.” Productive listening is active and intense. It is hearing more than words. Most of the time we get a general concept of what people are saying, just enough to maintain conversation.

Using our discernment to lead requires much more.

First, make sure you understand the meaning of words, both dictionary and colloquial. Slang is part of colloquial listening. For example, when young people say “bad” or “nasty,” they many times mean “exceptionally good.” And if you’re unsure about a meaning, ask. I have never known a really intelligent person who will let you use a word they don’t know without stopping you to ask its meaning. The meaning is crucial to the understanding.

Next, listen to the selection of words. Word choice discloses several things, including a person’s reasoning ability, his prejudices (using pejorative words), and desire to impress (inappropriate use of large words). Words give clues whether a person is primarily intellectual or emotional. Individuals with precise minds use precise language. Often, sensitive people use poetic words.

You can often determine whether individuals think in principles or techniques. Can they explain things several ways? How broadly do they illustrate? If a person illustrates from many different areas, he can see a similar principle running through the different experiences.

The use of words and accents also gives us a glimpse into someone’s past. Buddy Rich, the drummer, told me that he could hear a player’s history when he played jazz. He knew whom he had been listening to, whom he idolized, generally what part of the country he came from, and whether he had a religious background.

People who have a public vocabulary different from their private one sometimes let a private word slip into the public expression, and that opens a window into the person’s thought process.

Then notice the manipulation of words. Does a person put a “spin” on descriptions of people or events? For instance, those who use diplomatic language ordinarily want to avoid offending anyone, which to a discerning leader means you’re probably not getting the whole story.

Hear what they don’t say

Once our top salesman became an alcoholic. We worked to scrape him off the bottom and get him back sober and on top. As he and I walked into a sales meeting, he lingered a moment and said, “This help I’m getting is going to keep me from drinking, isn’t it?”

The negative tone in “isn’t it” signaled that he was losing confidence, that we had better get back with him quickly or he would be back on the booze.

This is what I call “latent listening.” With this, we try to learn why the person says what he says and why he says it at this particular time and in this particular way.

Listen for three things: tone, pace, and rhythm.

Toneis generally driven by underlying emotions. If the tone is judgmental, I generally suspect self-righteousness or cynicism. A negative tone generally denotes a negative feeling about the subject.

Interpreting laughter among associates is instructive. Where the communication relationship is open and free, so is the laughter. If it is just polite, derisive, or carrying innuendo, there is discord.

Like musical ability, discernment can be taught, practiced, and developed.

Those who clearly speak in controlled tones also raise a question as to why. For example, on a witness stand often you see people trying to control their voices. Is it because they’re right or because they’re afraid of being found out?

Pace is also affected by emotion. Generally an excited person speaks more quickly and the pitch rises.

One night I was visiting with a psychiatrist friend in a social situation, and he asked me about an economic principle that I knew only vaguely. I knew he didn’t know anything about it, so I waded in with great authority. When I finished he said, “You know very little about the subject.” I confessed, and asked him how he knew. He said, “Because your pace and tone changed, telling me that you were on shaky ground.”

Talking excessively is always questionable and generally is born of a desire to impress, intimidate, or ingratiate. Talking too loudly can be a control factor.

Rhythm is harder to interpret. An interesting conversationalist or speaker always has an interesting rhythm. A boring person has a sonorous rhythm. Rhythm many times indicates personal involvement with the subject. Sometimes rhythm suggests a dramatic performance rather than personal communication.

Sometimes it’s important to interpret interruptions. These vary from discourteous to respectful. We normally think that a person interrupting is indicating that what he wants to say is more important than what is being said. On the other hand, it could be a subtle attempt to change the subject to protect someone or to add a different line of thought to the original one. Occasionally it just shows enthusiastic agreement that can’t be withheld.

Interruptions in a group often mean the person is trying to take control in expressing power and rank, like a general interrupting a colonel. Often these people try to hold the conversation or guide it by difficult questions or confrontation.

As you can tell by now, I am vitally interested in listening, particularly latent listening, which is a large window of the mind. The reason a person says something can range from flattery to hostility.

Listening to innuendo becomes a fascinating activity. Recently I heard a woman say to another, “I love that dress, always have.” Ouch.

What’s the rest of the body saying?

People not only talk with their mouths, they speak with their bodies. I once had an associate whose eyes would slightly mist over when he was shading the truth. Babe Ruth was ineffective as a pitcher because he developed the habit of sticking his tongue out when he was going to throw a curve ball.

Reading body language has been oversimplified by charlatans. I’ve attended seminars on the subject that defined specific body movements generically and applied them universally. This is quackery. For example, I remember one speaker saying that when a person crosses his arms he is being defensive. Not necessarily. Maybe the room is cold. One of the most extroverted men I know does this when he gets excited, and I think he’s hugging himself rather than defending himself.

Nevertheless, body language is important and should be carefully observed, investigated, and verified in each specific instance.

Gestures and words should agree. When they are in conflict, there is a reason. A psychiatrist pointed out how a prominent politician who spoke constantly of how he loved people used hacking motions.

One of the greatest salesmen I’ve ever known, the president of a jewelry company, had a genuine radar for people. He told me, “Don’t watch what a man can control. Watch what he isn’t thinking to control.” I once had an associate who, when he became irritated, patted his feet on the floor. It was important to notice that, because he’d learned to control his facial expression. Only the foot let me know how he felt.

Coaches, sports commentators, and competitors constantly read the opponents’ body language. Commentator Isiah Thomas once noted that a player was losing confidence because he passed off instead of taking an open shot.

Most capable executives can walk into a plant and read the work pace in the employees’ body language. I can usually read a speaker’s emotions, nerves, level of concentration, degree of preparation, and involvement with the subject through his demeanor, for I’ve been there so many times myself.

Once I was invited by a friend to sit in on a conversation between a father and son who were having a problem. I wasn’t part of the conversation so I concentrated on the boy’s face to see if I could read any changing expressions. When one matter came up, he developed a tic. Later the subject came up again and his face again twitched. I joined the conversation and raised the subject once more. Again his face showed the tic. The tic and the general feel of the confrontation gave me the impression that he was lying. When I challenged him, he confessed.

His father later told me his son said, “I’m afraid of that guy. He can read your mind.” No, I was simply observing his face.

Whispers of discernment

Maybe as a leader, you have the natural talent and desire to lead but lack some skills. You can compensate for that with discernment.

When I saw the old wrangler on whose life the movie The Horse Whisperer was based, I felt a kindred spirit. He had used empathy rather than dominance. He adopted a different role for the wrangler and a different experience for the horse. He moved from a hierarchical system, which was tyrannical, to a team or mutual interest. He no longer depended on the horse’s fear but on its friendship. His orders became friendly suggestions, which he knew would be accepted. He knew how to read the horse.

Reading people is a major advantage in church leadership. It enables the leader to combine the individual’s passion and gifts for the ultimate good of the cause and the glory of God.

This article is excerpted from Leading with Integrity: Competence with Christian Character, the fifth volume in Leadership’s “Pastor’s Soul” book series. To enroll in this series, call 800-806-7796, and mention offer E8A28. If you like the book, pay just $14.95; you’ll then receive the next quarterly volume, and you may cancel at any time.

Fred Smith is a business executive and a contributing editor of Leadership 465 Gundersen Dr. Carol Stream IL 60188