I had just received a scathing letter from a couple unhappy about a situation in the youth department. Their response was carnal; they certainly didn’t understand the whole situation. I hadn’t yet been able to meet with them.
When I preached that Sunday morning, I carried a grudge. I made quips that gave everyone a chuckle — everyone except the couple who sent the letter. They sat stoically, eyes staring through me.
By the time I finished the sermon (with no more humor), I felt physically sick and spiritually wasted. My unforgiveness was quickly growing into bitterness and resentment.
My tendency not to forgive even insignificant offenses has forced me to think about the steps I need to take to restore my relationship with God and the offender.
Recognize My Weak Spots
Most people tend to be sensitive when they’ve been battered numerous times. Some of my worst conflicts in ministry have involved people who I felt lacked grace and understanding. I’m quickly set off by people who excel in fault-finding.
As I’ve learned to recognize my weak spots, I’ve found I’m better able to control my responses. My challenge is to receive from the Holy Spirit grace and forgiveness for these saints rather than fight back in anger.
Resist My First Impulse
When I read of a person who conceals a gun to get even with a boss, I often think, How could someone do such a thing? Normal people don’t react like that.
But I’ve had all kinds of evil thoughts about settling the score with people who I felt wronged me. In fact, I’ve even fantasized about ways to get even.
After a devastating disagreement with a church family who had opposed me on nearly every issue, I thought, If God isn’t going to bring swift judgment, I could offer some assistance.
I thought about alerting the IRS to their tax improprieties. Or I could become a nuisance by driving by their house with my radio blaring and horn honking.
When I shared these secret thoughts with a friend, he looked at me in astonishment. I must curtail fantasies of revenge and let forgiveness come.
Admit My Guilt
Deuteronomy 32:35 says: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay.”
My obsessing about revenge is an attempt to participate in God’s judgment. That only aggravates the conflict and causes more pain.
That I’m also often guilty, can be hard to accept. In many instances, there are two guilty parties in conflict. Therefore, I can’t have any part in repaying the wrong.
Avoid Pulpit Revenge
I’ve found that delaying forgiveness can lead me to abuse the public ministry of preaching. I once used a critical letter to illustrate how wrong it is to criticize someone when you don’t know all the facts. During the sermon I read a portion of the letter, then set the record straight by describing the facts of the situation.
The congregation sympathized with me and saw my accuser as a careless and negative antagonist. I had illustrated a biblical point and silenced my opponent at the same time.
The next week I received a second letter from this man, stating that he and his family were leaving the church, and asking me not to call or contact them.
No matter how wronged I may feel, and no matter how strong the temptation, the public forum is not the place to confront a critic.
Forgive One At A Time
I wish I could say I’ve found the formula for forgiveness that works the first time, every time. I haven’t. Forgiveness isn’t something I can do once, then it’s all over. The length of the forgiveness process is usually proportionate to the severity of the pain I’ve experienced. Following the most difficult experience I’ve had in ministry — being terminated — the process of forgiveness took close to two years.
Take Them To The Lord In Prayer
A final step that helped me to forgive was to gather my thoughts and take them to the Lord. Reciting negative thoughts and feelings to the Lord allowed me to ask God to forgive me for my sin. I was then able, with his help, to move forward to offer forgiveness to others.
When I’ve been significantly injured by another person, I can’t simply yank the injury from myself and expect that all bitterness, malice, and emotion will be gone. Resentment still hides under the surface. The only way to become free of the offense and to forgive others is to bathe in the soothing bath of God’s forgiveness. When I finally fathom the extent of God’s love in Jesus Christ, forgiveness of others is a natural outflow.
Gary Preston is author of Character Forged from Conflict (Bethany House). To reply, write Newsletter@LeadershipJournal.net.
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