We've all known the proverbial pastor who seems content in the ministry but the next time you run into him, he's selling real estate. A mutual friend explains, "His wife just wouldn't support him. She said his call was hijacking her future."
Then there's the wife who is willing to support her husband's call, as long as it doesn't affect her preferred way of life. So she constructs boundaries that look more like the Great Wall of China than a pleasant white picket fence.
Yes, a married couple is called to love one another, and marriage vows are at least as important as ordination vows. Most of us in church leadership believe that God calls couples together into ministry, and God's true call is considerate of each partner's needs, fears, and aspirations. How this works itself out at home and at church is as individual as the couple. There are many lifestyle options that successfully answer that call without trampling on one partner's needs.
The following stories of called husbands and hesitant wives illustrate what helps and what hinders two partners toward agreement. (Names and some details are changed. And please accept my apologies for stereotypically referring to the one with the call as the husband and the one who has doubts as the wife. I do comprehend the extent of women in full-time ministry today, and also the vast majority of couples co-existing happily in ministry. But my contacts with denominational leaders and clergy counselors have indicated that it is almost exclusively the husband who feels constrained by the wife's resistance. So that's the situation I address here.)
Case 1: "I didn't agree to this!"
Sandi grew up in a troubled ministry home. Her parents' example led to her bitter vow never to marry a minister. Her dad worked on a mission field overseeing several rural churches. Her mom had many gifts, but they remained unopened down on the bottom shelf of her life while she cooked and cleaned for the youthful volunteers who drew her husband's greatest energies. Sandi observed her mom's jealous scowls, angry tears, and sarcastic protests after her dad left for another important and exciting meeting. Her mother lived unhappy and died unhappy, and Sandi vowed to find a happier life.
In college, Sandi thought she'd found happiness when she met and married Bill, a Christian planning a career in business. All went well until Bill's older brother, the family favorite, made everyone proud by graduating from seminary. That sparked an interest in Bill, and he told Sandi he wanted to go to school "just to study the Bible on a deeper level."
Pretty soon Bill was in seminary, just to learn, so he said. Sandi wasn't nervous yet, not even when he took on a youth ministry assignment part time, since this was "just part of the hands-on curriculum."
Anxiety arose one day when someone asked if she was the youth pastor's wife. She sputtered, "Why, no! Bill is just helping out as an intern as part of his studies."
The clouds darkened a few years later when the church asked Bill, now a seminary grad, to serve as interim pastor. Bill's discussion with Sandi consisted of his dismissing her protests and focusing on the benefits, primarily the rent-free parsonage. As the assignment progressed, he enjoyed the affirmation of his gifts and the admiration of his parents. He deflected the protests of his wife, questioning her "lack of surrender." Didn't she know that Christians must die to self?
Inside, Sandi was terrified. "The other woman" who had stolen her dad's affections had now enticed her husband, too. Avoiding more criticism, she went along in a resigned, listless way, arriving late to church, leaving early.
One day, Bill brought some volunteer staff over for dinner. Afterward Sandi looked at her sullen face in the mirror and saw her mom. Rage energized her. That night, she took her stand.
"Bill, I'm not happy."
He protested, "Can't we talk about this tomorrow? I'm so tired!"
"I'm tired, too! Tired of everything being your way, tired of your not caring about my dreams, tired of your criticisms and comparisons! I told you I didn't want to be married to a pastor and then you became a pastor, so maybe you don't want to be married to me."
Several ultimatums later, Bill and Sandi were on their way to a clergy retreat center to sort things through. Bill confronted his tangled motives for ministry, including being driven for approval and affirmation. He acknowledged his failure to love and nurture his wife. Sandi dealt with lifelong heartaches, paralyzing fears, and rash vows.
Together, they discovered how to nurture themselves and their marriage, to help Sandi feel protected, and to graciously give and go on in ministry. They focused on pleasing Jesus in ministry rather than pleasing only themselves or pleasing others.
One question that hit the bull's eye in their counseling was: "When you feel anxiety, what does this remind you of? What are you afraid is going to happen?" When asked in a safe, caring way, this quickly unearthed the root of the problem.
Hesitant pastors' wives may have a variety fears about entering ministry.
"Every pastor's wife I've ever known did something in the church, and I'm just not a leader or counselor."
"I don't want myself and the children to get lost amid all the other people you care for."
"I know a pastor's wife at work who's always complaining. She detests people at her church. She not too fond of her husband, either. I don't want to become like that."
Whatever the spouse is afraid might happen can be addressed through defining the fear and determining how to deal with it. It may require a discovery of her hidden gifts, or some training in areas where she would like to feel more confident. Or it may require boundaries that work for the two of you.
Whatever the challenges, boundaries, role-defining, and training can usually help meet them.
Today, ten years and a lot of practice later, Bill and Sandi are at peace in their church, where Bill is associate pastor and where Sandi also uses her gifts as a mentor. Fighting fair (listening, reasoning, and praying) and making decisions together, now come more naturally. Sandi now sees Bill's call as a true gift even to her—a gift that led to the healing of her relationships, especially her relationship with God.
Case 2: "This church is unbearable!"
Melissa had always supported Ken's call to the ministry. In fact, back in college, Melissa felt her own sense of call and would not even date anyone who wasn't "sold-out to the Lord." During courtship, as they explored their career options, Melissa told Ken, "If God has called you, then there is no blessing for you if you avoid answering that call."
But now, eight years into marriage and five years into his first pastorate, Melissa's "can do" attitude changed. She dreaded Sunday mornings.
A year ago, a church split had robbed her of friends and church helpers. The criticisms had robbed them of their confidence. Melissa watched her husband's strength diminish, his spirit wither. Now, even a small comment toppled him into despair. Her usual "pep talk" sounded hollow even to her. They just weren't cut out for this.
Melissa wanted Ken to resign, if not the ministry, then at least this church. But she felt guilty—where was her faith? She felt spent, and Ken seemed bankrupt. There was no faith, no strength left to borrow from each other.
"Look Ken," she said one day, "I see you like a champion stumbling around the boxing ring, bloodied, battered, beaten down. You've won other fights, but this time, you're flailing away at the air. You can't even see straight anymore, but you won't give up. Couldn't you just concede this match? Get out, sit, rest, heal, and get back in the ring another day, to win another fight."
But Ken didn't want to "quit"—so he persevered, but with little energy, no vision, only a dull sense of duty.
Then a blow-up at home brought things to a crisis. A minor disobedience by his three-year-old provoked a tirade and an over-the-top spanking. Melissa was furious.
"You get help right now or get out of the ministry!" she demanded. Ken, horrified as well, readily agreed. For the first time in a long time, Melissa began to hope.
Ken first made an appointment with his physician. Elevated blood sugar and blood pressure levels, and increasing anxiety attacks, made his physician strongly urge him to find ways to de-stress. He went to the church board with the doctor's report and obtained a month off, with pulpit supply.
Next, he called his supervisor and got plugged into their denomination's resources, which included a professional counselor with the special gift of empathy earned by his years as a pastor. He helped them admit the pain of the recent church split and past church-inflicted wounds. Since Melissa had always tried not to complain, Ken was astonished when the depth of Melissa's pain and grief tumbled out in counseling.
The denomination's assistance also included a prayer coordinator who did two things that made a difference: (1) he met with Ken and Melissa and coached them in how to define their prayers, make time for prayer, and unite in prayer, and (2) he formed a prayer team to support them.
After the month away, prayers began to be answered. The last few divisive folks remaining from the split finally left the church. Someone gave them a second car, which relieved Melissa's isolation at home with the children. Both Melissa and Ken responded to invitations to support groups for pastors and ministry wives. New converts came to Christ, and Ken and Melissa got a fresh taste of what answering the call was all about in the first place.
They continue to monitor three key areas:
Physical health. Referrals helped Ken in the nutritional management of diabetes. A shared exercise program promoted more time together, greater physical stamina, and mental well-being. An evening power walk toned up more than their thighs. Their relational skills got a boost, as well.
Self-image. "A lot of the expectations I struggled to meet," said Melissa, "came from my own striving to excel, not from our congregation. Most of them accepted me as I was before I did! I began to memorize Scripture to help me accept the Father's heart toward me. Melissa—beloved child of God. Not Melissa—Super Pastor's Wife."
Level of church duties. Their support group regularly reminds Ken that Melissa and the kids will be there in his old age. Chances are that none of his current church members will. He resolved to invest more of himself in these long term and highly valuable relationships.
Working as a team again, Melissa's desperate desire for Ken to leave the ministry diminished and eventually disappeared. Melissa says, "The ministry wives fellowship I joined proved crucial to my ability to continue to support Ken's ministry. But the one thing that mattered most was Ken's renewed desire to listen to me, to make family time a priority, to pray together, and to work together to define my place in his ministry. I can do whatever the Lord has called us to do together, as long as I know that we're really together, really there for each other."
Making a clear connection
Sometimes a spouse doesn't hear the call because God never issued one. Occasionally, someone will "customize" his own call into ministry because he is controlling, fulfilling others' expectations, or doesn't know what else to do. Some dysfunctional folks do occasionally go into ministry and any spouse who can put a stop to it before disciples are damaged is a hero.
When a wife says it's time to leave, she may not be driven by selfishness or fear but by clear-headed conviction. If your wife is in touch with God, herself, and you, listen carefully. God has a habit of putting opposites together to provide a better field of vision.
According to Greg Sumii, director of church and pastoral care for the California Southern Baptist Convention, a husband can't be his wife's pastor or counselor in these conflicts. "He must be the 100-percent husband who loves and protects his wife. If the marriage is not in order, as 1 Timothy would suggest, the time must be taken to re-qualify for this high calling. There is nothing wrong with taking time out to gain marital healing and then returning strong, healthy, and courageous. It may hurt your pride, but if a wife needs coercion, convincing, or guilt tripping, this is a 'stop sign.' At least a leave or sabbatical should follow. It's easier to accept a short-term plan to regroup rather than to view this solution as 'leaving for life.'"
Financial considerations are often a point of contention. A wife wonders, "Can we afford your call?" How to feather the nest in situations where a church or organization doesn't obey the biblical charge to give what is due and to support those who teach is another article. But in most cases I've observed, wives who challenge the call on this issue are usually not polluted by avarice and greed. They are women designed by God to fulfill their maternal instinct to provide adequately for their family.
She doesn't want her kids to pay an unfair bill for your call. If it comes down to your children having no winter coats now and no college education later so that Smithville can have 24 churches instead of 23, maybe she has a point.
To keep your family attuned to a ministry vocation means the ministry of God's love and care begins right in your own bedroom, then in the family room, and then take what's left out the door to the church, rather than the other way around.
If the family first feasts at a banquet of God's love, they're more than willing to allow others to glean from their abundance, and they'll walk right beside you out the door to help you feed a starving world.
Linda Riley is an author and pastor's wife in Torrance, California.
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