It’s not saying the right things but listening in the right way that’s crucial to personal visitation.
—Doug Self
I would see Ed and Elaine at church or in the community. They were friendly; I was friendly. But we didn’t get into extended conversations. I had heard they were having serious marital problems. The wife, in fact, had inquired about counseling with me, but the husband had been restive.
I knew I wasn’t going to take the initiative. At best, they would demand months of counseling. At worst, I feared that I couldn’t help them at all.
So on we went: I knew, and they knew, and we all pretended that we didn’t know. I sometimes felt guilty for not visiting them. Nonetheless, I put it off—for years.
My pastoral responsibilities include visitation. In fact, I’ve experienced some success in this part of ministry. But I still find myself apprehensive about visiting people.
Why? Because I’m afraid I won’t say the right thing at the right time. Maybe I won’t say the appropriate word to calm the grieving widow or counter the objection of the unbeliever, or know what to say during seemingly pointless conversation.
I can overcome such fear in one of two ways. I can learn to say always the right thing at the right time, but let’s face it, that’s never going to happen. Or I can realize that it’s not saying the right things but listening in the right way that’s crucial to personal visitation.
I’ll take the latter, and not because it’s easier. Actually, good listening can be grueling. But when I focus on listening to another, it takes the pressure off me. I become less concerned about me and more about the person I’m listening to. I don’t come as an expert ready to spew forth, but as a learner seeking to discover.
When that’s my attitude, visitation is not daunting, although it remains a challenge. Here, then, are some things I’ve learned about listening.
Pastors Are Half Listeners
A study cited in Larry Barker’s Listening Behavior (Spectra) shows that pastors spend 45 percent of their time listening and only 30 percent speaking. Reading takes up 16 percent of our time and writing another 9.
For pastors, then, nearly half of each week is taken up with simply listening to people. We have a variety of opportunities to listen: brief encounters with people in the hallways of the church, phone calls, committee meetings, counseling, and especially visits with our people.
Consequently, listening has become a crucial ministry skill. When I do it well, it makes a difference.
Bill and Eloise had been attending our church for some time before I had a chance to visit them. They were quiet and reserved, yet I suspected swirling currents behind their smiles. When I finally visited them one evening, they were reluctant to talk honestly. But when they saw I was genuinely interested in them, that I wasn’t going to dish out easy answers, they began to tell me their story, piece by piece.
Bill had lost his job. Months turned into years as his job search proved futile. So he worked as a laborer for less than a quarter of his former salary. Then they learned that their middle son had cancer. Medical bills started piling higher, and their son’s condition continued to deteriorate until he died. They were emotionally and financially drained.
Still Bill worked on, making an honest effort to provide for his family and pay the bills. As we talked late into the evening, they told me they had just received word that foreclosure proceedings were being set in motion on their house.
Bill and Eloise weren’t asking for explanations or charity or sympathy. Naturally reticent people, they hadn’t disclosed the inner workings of their lives to others. They were hardy stock and didn’t want to complain. Yet once they opened up, they clearly were eager to have someone listen to their story.
Listening: Focused Mental Attention
I’ve had to develop two crucial and, for me, unnatural skills to become an effective listener: focused mental attention and attending physical behavior.
First, I had to learn to focus on what the other person says. Understanding another person accurately requires me to devote all my mental energies. That isn’t easy, because as I listen I can easily fall into several habits that distract my attention away from the other person. So I regularly remind myself of the following guidelines before and as I listen.
1. Defer judgment. Being, as I am, in the business of teaching people right from wrong and truth from error, it’s difficult sometimes to listen to people’s stories without judging them. But when I start judging, I start thinking about what they should do to change, and I stop thinking about what, in fact, they are telling me. Instead, I try to suspend judgment, no matter what I’m inclined to believe about the person.
I met Mike through a community organization we both attended. Although he didn’t attend church, he was interested in spiritual matters, which prompted several prolonged conversations. He told me he used drugs. He was also sexually active, and his good looks guaranteed a steady supply of partners. However, about a year previously he had begun to question his lifestyle. He began to think of his drug friends as “real creeps” but also wondered aloud if he wasn’t like them.
He said indiscriminate sex was a compulsion, and he’d begun to hate himself for not being able to stop. Although he enjoyed the experiences, he loathed what he was becoming and how impersonally he was treating his partners. But he wouldn’t stop.
In short, Mike lived a lifestyle contrary to Christian teachings. At this point in our conversations, it took a special effort not to judge but to keep listening.
One weekend he climbed one of the mountain peaks in our area. He told me later that taking in the view, he found himself crying out, “God, help me. Help me to be different!” This was a new experience for Mike since he had not grown up in a religious home. He didn’t recall feeling anything, however, and chalked it up as a failed effort at reform.
As the months went on, however, he began to recognize the operation of a moral standard within himself that gently pointed out the right and wrong of his actions.
Mike still had plenty of questions. His active mind was constantly probing, trying to understand, for instance, God’s role in the universe, in its creation and present operation. He’d never entertained the idea of creation before.
As he unwound his story over weeks of conversations, I continued to listen. Although I told him about the difference Christ could make in his life, I didn’t unload all my biblical answers. Those would have to come slowly. First, I needed to know more about Mike, his religious experiences, his conclusions about life.
At one point in our conversations he said, “You’re one person I could tell this to who won’t think less of me.” It was important to Mike that he be able to talk about his spiritual interests and questions without feeling put down. As it was, Mike and I had many conversations about spiritual matters, and before he moved away from our area, he was becoming increasingly willing to consider a relationship with Jesus Christ.
2. Preempt preoccupations. Pastors usually have dozens of things demanding their attention. Unfinished business is my constant companion. At any given time a pastor can be mulling a half-finished sermon, planning a program, stewing over budget problems, fretting the unresolved problems of various church members. It’s easy to be preoccupied.
So when I begin a pastoral visit, I focus on the importance of that personal encounter. I consciously put aside my other concerns. I will be totally present with this person during the time we have together, I think to myself. If I don’t do something deliberate like that, my preoccupations may cause me to miss things.
Once in a staff meeting I excitedly related an idea I had heard from another associate, Dan. It was well received, but after the meeting Suzy, our administrative assistant, drew me aside.
“Doug,” she said, “don’t you remember that I offered that same idea at a previous meeting?”
“No,” I replied, searching my mind.
“I brought up the same thing at our brainstorming session. At the time you didn’t respond, and I thought you didn’t like the idea.”
“Uh,” I stammered, “I don’t remember what you said.” She described the conversation in more detail, and I faintly recalled her contribution, but at the time I had been preoccupied.
“When you were so excited about the idea tonight,” she continued, “and reported it as Dan’s, I was hurt.”
Now, numbed by my oversight, I apologized for my insensitivity and reminded myself to put aside distractions deliberately before I enter into conversations.
3. Avoid premature solutions. People look to pastors for answers. I too often feel obliged to provide them quickly and easily. Quick answers, however, often leave out critical factors and shut down further communication. Even when the quick answer is correct, it may be rejected because people don’t feel their problems are taken seriously. No wonder: I cannot listen fully when I am engaged in mentally formulating answers.
So, I make sure I’ve listened for a while and taken in sufficient information before I dare interject a solution or insight.
Jim and Susan were struggling in their marriage. They fought often, and it usually ended up coming back to one particular issue: a failed business venture of Jim’s. And every time, they returned to square one with defensiveness, recriminations, and accusations. Jim would try to explain why he had failed. Susan, upon hearing the repeated explanations, thought Jim was merely trying to justify himself. So, they would argue for hours before giving up, exhausted and frustrated.
In one counseling session, such an argument erupted. After listening for some time, I ventured an observation. “Jim, I think you’re desperately pleading for Susan to accept you and not condemn you as a failure for the rest of your life. Is that correct?”
Jim looked surprised. “Yes, I feel like a failure as a husband and a provider. I feel worthless.” He dropped his head in his hands and sobbed.
Susan put a hand on his knee. “Jim, I don’t think you’re a failure. That was just one unfortunate decision.”
At that point, they stopped blaming and started talking. A premature “You two need to forgive each other” would not have accomplished much. Patient and attentive listening, however, helped me see the real issue more clearly.
4. Absorb accusations. Pastors are convenient targets for other people’s religious frustrations. I often find myself put on the spot, the brunt of accusations against God, Christianity, and the church.
My first inclination is to defend the faith, because people are attacking things dear to me. But even though apologetics may be in order in some conversations, defensiveness never is. When I become defensive, I start mentally mustering arguments to unravel my opponent. At that point, I am no longer attending to the other person. Then again, if I keep listening through the attack, I usually am able to offer some help.
When I stopped in to check on Gary and Mindy, I sensed something amiss. Instead of the usual friendly banter, nervousness and tension hung in the air. After a few minutes of stilted conversation, Gary finally spoke: “It’s Kathy (their daughter). We found out that she’s been doing some drugs.”
Mindy then broke into sobs. “How could this happen to us? Where did we go wrong?” They had endured other blows lately, but this overwhelmed her. “I don’t understand how God could let this happen.”
Gary comforted Mindy and explained to me, “A lot of things have been building up. We’re just tired of fighting it. We’re exhausted. This is too much.”
I went over and put my arms around both of them. I told them how I felt for them and how overwhelming it must be for them. Mindy stiffened and said, “Yes, it’s just too much this time! We’ve tried to do right, and look what happened.” She was angry with God, with the church, with life.
When people fault God, I’m tempted to step in as his defense attorney. But this time I listened without much comment. I tried to discover the particulars of their story. By my posture and words, I tried to indicate I wouldn’t argue with them or judge them. I just sat and tried to feel their anguish with them.
Within several weeks, after they’d had time to gain some distance from the crisis, they sought me out for help. They realized their attitudes were causing friction between them and strangling their spiritual vitality. They were then able to ask for help and listen themselves.
Listening: Attending Behavior
The other essential listening skill is attending behavior, the nonverbal parts of conversation: eye contact, facial expressions, and body posture.
Attending behavior, for all its seeming passivity, is a powerful skill. In one experiment, six college students were trained in attending behavior. Then a visiting lecturer, not known for his dynamic lecturing, was invited to class. The lecturer was tied to his notes and used no gestures, and his voice droned on in a monotone.
At a prearranged signal, the students began to evidence attending behavior: they riveted their eyes on the lecturer, leaned forward in their chairs, took on intent expressions. Within thirty seconds the lecturer gestured for the first time, his voice inflection became more dynamic, and his presentation more lively (from Robert Bolton, People Skills, Prentice-Hall, 1979).
Attending behavior is a powerful motivational tool. It draws people out. It lets them know they are being taken seriously. But attending behavior is subtle, so it’s something I have to pay attention to, lest I communicate the wrong thing.
Some time ago, I was eating breakfast at a local restaurant with a friend. A man walked to our table and asked, “Are you Doug Self, the pastor?” When I said I was, he sat down and began telling us about his Christian commitment and plans to move to our area.
After a few minutes the man left, and my friend asked, “Why were you so aloof, so hostile to a new person in the community?”
“Aloof and hostile?” I asked, “What do you mean? I visited with him. I talked with him.”
Then my friend pointed out that I had taken a body position that faced 90 degrees away from him, folded my arms, and looked out the window during parts of the conversation.
I was surprised. I knew I was vaguely uncomfortable with the man, but I thought I had been gracious to him.
As I thought about it afterward, I realized what had happened. I have been burned by many people who come into our community, talk a good religious line, but end up causing problems in the church and community. Although I thought I was communicating acceptance to the man, my body was signaling what I felt inside: that I pegged him as potential trouble and hoped he would stay away.
Over the years, I have worked on my inherent prejudice against such people. And when I am aware that distrust is stirring within me, I deliberately monitor my body language. Sometimes such people have ulterior motives, but first I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, with my words and my body posture.
Good Questions Show Good Listening
Robert L. Montgomery, who leads seminars in executive skills and has written Listening Made Easy (Amacom, 1981), has polled his seminar attendees over the years, asking them what signals a good listener. The ten most common characteristics mentioned are:
- Looks at me while I’m speaking.
- Questions me to clarify what I’m saying.
- Shows concern by asking questions about my feelings.
- Repeats some things I say.
- Doesn’t rush me.
- Is poised and emotionally controlled.
- Responds with a nod of the head, a smile, or a frown.
- Pays close attention.
- Doesn’t interrupt me.
- Keeps on the subject until I’ve finished my thoughts.
I was impressed that two of the top three characteristics have to do with the ability to ask questions. A good listener, it seems, is also someone who asks good questions.
As another pastor put it, “What the scalpel is to the surgeon, the question is to the pastoral counselor. …The good pastor is one who knows what to ask and what not to ask, plus has a feel for timeliness” (Russell Dicks, Pastoral Work and Personal Counseling, MacMillan).
So over the years I’ve worked on asking good questions, ones that will both keep the discussion on target and help me know more about the person with whom I talk.
Subject-Changing Questions
Pastors simply don’t have time to sit through extensive conversations with everyone. So sometimes, when it seems appropriate, I must gently nudge the conversation toward spiritual concerns.
That must be done naturally and nonintrusively, of course. A good rule of thumb is to change the subject only when others begin to run out of steam on their original topic.
For example, John is excitedly telling me about a remodeling project, going into great detail. I grow restless and want to get on to spiritual matters. While he’s between sentences, I may be tempted to insert, “That’s great, John. But how’s the remodeling of your Christian life going?”
That would be jolting, inappropriately timed. If I can’t gracefully move the conversation along, then I’d just as soon hear people out on subjects that are dear to them. Even if we can’t talk about spiritual concerns on that visit, at least I will show interest and respect for them.
At the right time, however, directive questions can link spiritual matters to the person’s subject of conversation. For example, if the other person is talking about childhood, I might ask, “What memories of church do you have from childhood?” and “What did you most enjoy about your childhood church experience?”
If the person is talking about family, I might ask, “Where in your family life do you feel the church could be most helpful now?” or “What family problems do you now face that you could use some help with?”
If the person is mentioning a struggle, I might ask, “What feelings have you most struggled with in this situation?” or “Have you found God to be helpful in your situation?”
I use gentle, subject-probing questions to discover background, feelings, attitudes, interests, questions, and needs.
Subject-Probing Questions
These questions help people focus on the subject under discussion. They allow people to sort through their experiences and analyze their reasons and feelings. They also help me learn key facts.
These questions are not that difficult to formulate. I simply ask, in one form or another, the classic journalistic questions: “Who?” “What?” “When?” “Where?” “Why?” and “How?”
For example, if I’m talking with someone who expresses hostility about something, I might ask one or more of the following:
- “When did you begin to feel this way?”
- “What experience has most influenced you to feel this way?”
- “Why do you think you responded that way to that experience?”
- “Who has been helpful to you in this situation?”
- “Where do you think all this is heading?”
- “How have you tried to handle this so far?”
Such questions help me understand people and help people understand themselves. As a result, people often discover previously hidden inconsistencies or underlying assumptions.
Elaine was having difficulty releasing bitterness toward some past business associates. Not only had they cheated her financially, they had also prospered while Elaine had struggled to make ends meet. Now, ten years later, the hurts remained fresh and painful. Elaine became especially prickly when she saw her former business associates in town.
When we talked, I let her express her rage for some time.
“You know what really hurts?” she sobbed at one point. “Seeing them prosper while I’ve barely made it. It’s just not fair. I’m the one who tried to live the Christian principles. They’re the ones who violated God’s will. Why would God prosper them? It’s just not fair, and it’s driving a wedge between me and God.”
Then I felt it was time to probe.
“It sounds like some of your theology says, ‘God should punish the bad and bless the good.’ Is that right?”
“Well,” she stammered, “I guess I know in my head that probably isn’t right, but that’s sure the way I’m feeling.”
“Let me dig a little more,” I said. “Do you believe that God deliberately made them rich and kept you poor?”
She thought for a moment. “No, I don’t think God has actively been working against me financially.”
“But as you read the circumstances, does it seem that God may be responsible for your poverty and for their prosperity?”
“Well, yes. My experience certainly indicates that. But I don’t suppose that’s what the Bible actually teaches,” she surmised.
From there we were able to have a fruitful discussion, at the end of which she began to see that rather than blaming God for her situation, she could depend on God in her situation.
As I mentioned, listening skills can be employed in many facets of ministry. But they’re especially helpful in home visitation. They not only help make those visits more meaningful, they also make those visits more possible. I don’t put off calls as much when I realize that it’s not what I say but what the other person says that makes the difference.
Copyright © 1990 by Christianity Today
