Handling Sexual Temptation

Given the right circumstances, the best among us is capable of the most unimaginable sins.
— Richard Exley

Few things in life are more painful than a moral failure. This truth was driven home to me afresh when a fellow pastor sought my counsel. Hardly had I closed the office door before he fell to his knees sobbing. When he was able to compose himself, he spilled his dark secret.

He was not an evil man; he never intended to become involved in sexual sin. It started innocently with morning coffee at a nearby convenience store. One morning while sipping his coffee, he found himself browsing through the pornographic magazines. A few mornings later he purchased one, and days later, another.

His story shows an all too familiar progression: from magazines to X-rated videos to porno theaters to securing the services of a prostitute. This degenerating progression didn’t happen overnight; it took months. After each step he told himself he would go no farther.

As you might imagine, he lived in a self-made hell: moments of lustful pleasure followed by hours of shame, days and weeks of regret. Yet even in his shame, he was drawn irresistibly toward the very thing he hated. His desperate prayers seemed powerless against the demons within. He lived in secrecy and fear: What if someone sees me? What if my wife or someone from the church finds out?

Then his worst fears were realized: he contracted a sexually transmitted disease and infected his wife with it. At least it wasn’t aids, but now he was forced to burden her with his seedy secret so she could receive treatment.

His story is not unique. With increasing frequency, ministers are falling prey to sexual temptation. Of the 300 pastors who responded to a recent Leadership survey, 19 percent admitted to having either an affair or inappropriate sexual contact with people other than their spouses. Nine percent confessed to having sexual intercourse with people other than their spouses.

As disconcerting as the statistics may be, we shouldn’t be surprised ministers are prone to sexual temptation. For some, like my friend, it comes in the form of lust. For others, it is more subtle: sexual temptation is rooted in virtue not vice. What begins as legitimate ministry — a shared project, compassionate listening, the giving of comfort — becomes an emotional bonding, which ultimately leads to an illicit affair.

While sexual temptation can strike randomly, many ministers seem to be most vulnerable during mid-life. (Since my experience and most of my research in this area has been with males, I’m assuming a male pastor for this chapter.) He reaches mid-life only to discover that, for all his achievements, he still feels unfulfilled. He is especially susceptible to affirmation from the opposite sex. Being appreciated as a man, and not just a minister, feels good. He doesn’t intend to commit adultery, but affirmation can, and often does, lead to affection, which in turn leads to inappropriate intimacy.

Others fall prey to their own success. Subconsciously they’ve come to believe the laws of God, which apply to ordinary people, can be amended to suit their lifestyles. This self-deception doesn’t happen instantaneously; it’s the product of a series of small compromises, which are often revealed by the way the minister treats the perks afforded by his ministry. First he accepts them, then he expects them, then he demands them, and finally he abuses them. Once integrity is compromised in any area, it is only a matter of time until the whole is affected.

Yet ministerial infidelity is not inevitable — 91 percent of those responding to Leadership’s survey indicated they had not committed adultery! We should not, however, assume they aren’t tempted. Every pastor will be subject from time to time to some degree of sexual temptation. Yet there are some effective strategies to combat it.

Assuming the Worst

Given the right circumstances, the best among us is capable of the most unimaginable sins. The sooner we come to grips with this painful truth, the sooner we can be about the business of overcoming temptation.

Recognizing our propensity for sin is the first step. The apostle Paul warns us of the danger of overconfidence, “If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall” (1 Cor. 10:12).

Overconfidence can set us up for a moral failure. The two most common ways are spiritual naiveté and risktaking.

The spiritually naive pastor is simply out of touch with his own humanity. Succumbing to a sexual sin is to him inconceivable. Spending extended hours in personal ministry with a member of the opposite sex, even in unsupervised settings, is nothing to him. When the inevitable temptation comes, it blind-sides him. The aftermath devastates him, and he finds living with himself impossible. Usually he takes the initiative in confessing his sin to his wife and church officials.

The risktaker, on the other hand, is an adventurer. He is addicted to danger and excitement, and like a moth drawn to a flame, he is drawn to the heat of temptation. He recognizes the possibility of a moral failure — in fact, it is that very possibility that excites him. But he believes he can handle it. The risktaker overestimates his moral resolve and usually succumbs to temptation in short order.

The spiritually naive pastor and the risk-taking pastor, who have almost nothing in common, share a fatal flaw — overconfidence. And like Peter, who boasted he would never deny Jesus but later found himself weeping bitterly after doing just that, they too have become victims of their own presumption.

Offensive Maneuvers

As a young pastor, I soon discovered my own feet of clay. Although my motives were pure, at least as far as I knew, I repeatedly found myself confronted with inappropriate thoughts and desires. Sometimes the temptations came upon me because of my own wandering mind. Other times, the source was troubled counselees or distraught parishioners who became emotionally attached to me. Keeping my feelings, and theirs, in check required enormous amounts of spiritual and emotional energy, energy better spent cultivating my marriage or practicing spiritual disciplines.

For several years, I simply accepted these disconcerting and distracting emotions as inevitable — the price of being an effective pastor and counselor. I prayed and hoped these temptations would in time fade. But as the years passed, they grew in intensity. I finally concluded that if I didn’t do something quickly, I too might become a casualty of immorality.

With renewed determination, I turned my attention to my methods of ministry. Much to my chagrin, I discovered I was creating many of my problems, not deliberately but out of ignorance. Once I understood what was happening, I implemented a number of guidelines to protect both the counselee and myself.

For instance, I determined I would not counsel with anyone more than six times. If the situation required more sessions, I referred the person to a Christian counselor, someone who specialized in the field. Not only did this protect me from an unhealthy emotional attachment, it also assured the counselee of gaining the best available help.

When I do counsel, the sessions are always pastoral and professional, never chummy. I see counselees only in my office and only when my secretary or other staff members are at the church office. I refuse to counsel a woman regarding sexual matters unless her spouse is present. Nor do I telephone a counselee between sessions “to see how she is doing.”

And I pray for counselees only on the day I am going to see them. This serves two purposes.

First, it protects me from burnout; it helps me compartmentalize their needs, freeing me from the combined weight of concern for several clients.

Second, it protects me from an unhealthy emotional bonding. Being compassionate by nature, pastors genuinely feel responsible for the spiritual and emotional well-being of those to whom they minister. There is always a temptation to overinvest in their lives, creating an unhealthy dependency. When we pray for our counselees daily, we only reinforce our overdeveloped sense of responsibility. As incongruent as it seems, prayer itself can become an incubator in which sexual temptation is hatched. Praying for someone whom you’re attracted to only fills your heart and mind with fodder for the enemy.

Scanning Your Radar

Succumbing to sexual sin is seldom sudden. Rather it is the culmination of a series of small temptations. Recognizing it when it first whispers its beguiling suggestions is imperative. In his book, As For Me and My House, Walter Wangerin, Jr., calls this first subtle temptation a moment of “maybe”:

“Early on in an extramarital friendship there often comes a moment of ‘maybe.’ Even when that friendship is altogether innocent, your friend may send the signal, or you may sense the feeling, of further possibility. It occurs in a glance more meaningful than mere friends exchange. It arises from a touch, a hug, a brushing of flesh that tingled rather more than you expected — and you remembered the sensation.… In that moment nothing more is communicated than this: our friendship could turn into something else. Neither of you need say, or even think, what that ‘something else’ might be … it is precisely here that the drama toward adultery begins. Whether it also ends here, or whether it continues hereafter, is a terribly critical question. For a door has opened up.

“If, in this moment, you do nothing at all, then you enter the door. If you make no decision (privately but consciously) to close the door and carefully to restrict this relationship, the drama continues. For though a promise has not been made in the moment of ‘maybe,’ it hasn’t been denied either. And though you may not yet love each other, neither have you said no to love. You permit, by making no decision at all, the ‘maybe.’ And ‘maybe’ takes on a life of its own.”

Wangerin concludes, “When a desire is born in us, we have a choice. When it exists still in its infancy, we have a choice. We can carefully refuse its existence altogether, since it needs our complicity to exist.… Or else we can attend to it, think about it, fantasize it into greater existence — feed it! … But if we do the latter, if we give it attention in our souls, soon we will be giving it our souls. We’ve lost free will and the opportunity to choose. The desire itself overpowers us, commanding action, demanding satisfaction.”

Temptation is so subtle that recognizing a moment of “maybe” isn’t always easy, especially if we’re inclined to rationalize. We reason that ministry requires sensitivity, support, and care. And it does. But there is a point where concern becomes more than pastoral, where you find yourself meeting her emotional needs — and she, yours — needs that should be met only by one’s spouse. Although nothing sexually inappropriate has been done, we are nonetheless guilty of emotional adultery at that point. And if immediate steps are not taken, a full-blown affair is only a matter of time.

The earliest warning signals of emotional entanglement include but are not limited to

1. A growing fascination with this person, when she regularly intrudes upon your thoughts, even when you are with your wife and family.

2. A heightened sense of anticipation as her appointment draws near, when you find yourself looking forward to “ministry” opportunities when you can legitimately be alone with her, or when you create church projects so the two of you can be together.

3. A growing desire to confide in her, when you are tempted to share with her the frustrations and disappointments in your marriage.

4. An increased sense of responsibility for her happiness and wellbeing, when you think more about her needs than the needs of your wife and family.

5. Emotional distancing from your spouse, when you keep from your wife your secret thoughts and feelings for her.

The moment an early warning signal is tripped, we must act with ruthless urgency. As Thomas à Kempis pointed out in the Imitation of Christ, “The only time to stop temptation is at the first point of recognition. If one begins to argue and engage in a hand-to-hand combat, temptation almost always wins the day.”

Strong Words

In the midst of temptation, especially sexual temptation, our emotions are not reliable moral compasses. The heart is too easily deceived and too deceiving. Only the infallible Word of God can be trusted. It should always be our first and last defense against the deceiver, who seeks to destroy both our souls and ministries.

The Word of God exposes the lies of the enemy for what they are. When we’re tempted to believe our situations are unique, and therefore exempt from the laws of God that govern others, the Scriptures remind us, “For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person — such a man is an idolater — has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.… Because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient” (Eph. 5:5-6).

When we feel powerless to resist temptation, the Bible says, “God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (1 Cor. 10:13).

When the enemy tries to isolate us, to make us believe no one, least of all God, understands the pull of lust, the Scriptures declare, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are — yet without sin” (Heb. 4:15).

And when tempted to rationalize, to say to ourselves, “No one will ever know,” the Scriptures scream out a warning: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction” (Gal. 6:7-8).

As Proverbs wisely says, “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished.… A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself. Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away” (Prov. 6:27-29, 32-33).

The minister who is serious about overcoming sexual temptation will find great help by living in the Word of God, meditating on it day and night, memorizing it. His prayer will then be that of the Psalmist: “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you” (Ps. 119:11).

The Light of Friendship

Temptation, which flourishes in secret, somehow loses much of its mesmerizing power when confessed and exposed to Christian love. That which seems so alluring in the privacy of the imagination is revealed for what it is in the transparency of confession. So, we should expose temptation immediately. Tell your wife, a Christian brother, a fellow minister, whomever — but get it out into the light.

Gordon MacDonald, pastor of Grace Chapel in Lexington, Massachusetts, and author of Ordering Your Private World and Rebuilding Your Broken World, speaks as a pastor who has experienced the tragic consequences of a moral failure. In an interview with Christianity Today following his public confession of adultery, he explained, but did not excuse, his behavior. One of the contributing factors, he said, was a lack of accountability — friendships in which one man regularly looks another man in the eyes and asks hard questions about his moral life: his lust, his ambitions, his ego.

I can testify to the redemptive power of accountability. Some years ago, I began to sense in a counseling session a strong attraction to the woman I was counseling. When the session was over, I immediately went to my associate pastor and confessed my feelings. When I did, I was liberated from their seductive power. While secret they were strangely seductive, but in the light of open confession, they became evil and repugnant. I also asked him to check up on me, to ensure I did not allow myself to become emotionally involved with this woman.

Limiting the Risks

Not a few ministers have fallen prey to sexual temptation because of poor judgment. In ministry, a certain amount of risk is unavoidable, but the minister who repeatedly exposes himself to tempting situations is tempting fate.

For instance, one minister friend will not accept outside speaking engagements unless his wife, or a Christian brother, travels with him. Why? Because the few times he has traveled alone, he struggled with sexual temptation. He now refuses to travel alone.

Another pastor was tempted repeatedly as he counseled women. He prayed about it and sought the counsel of a trusted colleague, but nothing seemed to help. Finally he made the difficult decision to limit his counseling to men only. His decision raised some eyebrows — some thought he was shirking his duties. But he has stood by it. As a result, his spiritual life blossomed. An added benefit was that the lay counseling program at the church began training mature Christian women to counsel with younger women.

A Time to Run Away

Rare though they are, all of us have heard of ministers who, through no fault of their own, were confronted with compromising situations. One pastor responded to an emergency phone call only to be greeted, just inside the door, by a nearly nude woman with something other than pastoral care on her mind. Another pastor, while his wife and children were away, was visited unexpectedly by a seductive young woman.

In such instances, we have only one option — run for our life!

Joseph is our example: “Now Joseph was well-built and handsome, and after a while his master’s wife took notice of Joseph and said, ‘Come to bed with me!’ But he refused. ‘My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?’ And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. She caught him by his cloak and said, ‘Come to bed with me!’ But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house” (emphasis mine), (Gen. 39:6-12).

The power of temptation is such that unless a stake is driven into its heart immediately, it may well overwhelm us. Kings have renounced their thrones, saints their God, and spouses their lifetime partners. People have been known to sell their souls, jobs, reputations, children, marriage — they have literally chucked everything for a brief moment of sexual pleasure.

But with Christ, everything is possible, including the resisting of this temptation: “But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses” (1 Tim. 6:11-12).