I cannot allow the fear of manipulation to be a rationalization for not doing the hard work of instilling motivation.
—Fred Smith, Sr.
Irecently heard a pastor tell about a wealthy oil man who called and said, “Reverend, I’ve never had much time for religion, but I’m getting older, and maybe I ought to make my peace with the church. I’d like to start by giving you a $20,000 check.”
The preacher said, “I immediately extended to him the right hand of Christian fellowship.”
I don’t think he was joking.
The exchange was an example of manipulation, which despite being repudiated still manages to find its way into the ministry.
Manipulation is often used because it’s effective—it just plain works! In this case, the church got a $20,000 windfall. But manipulation comes with a price. The pastor manipulated the fellow into believing he was getting Christian fellowship, but the man also manipulated the preacher by buying his way in, and that, as we all know, is no real relationship at all.
In contrast, a young man named Philip makes films with Christian themes. He became acquainted with a non-Christian who shared his interest in film-making techniques but rejected the importance of personal commitment to Christ.
The non-Christian offered some valuable equipment, and Philip said gently, “I appreciate the offer, but I can’t accept the equipment unless you fully recognize that this gift does not get you any points with God. Your eternal destination is determined by your relationship with Christ, not whether you contribute to Christian films. Do you understand that?”
“I understand,” the friend said.
“Then I’ll accept the equipment.”
Those two stories illustrate the difference between manipulation and motivation. Motivation is getting people to do something out of mutual advantage. Manipulation is getting people to do what you want them to do, primarily for your advantage. With manipulation, if the other person benefits, it’s purely secondary.
Manipulation carries a hidden agenda. Motivation carries an open agenda. You can be totally honest with people.
The young film maker was saying, “Do we have enough mutual interest to get all the agenda on top of the table? I’m not going to manipulate you or let you manipulate me into a brownie-point religion.”
Which Is It?
We all agree that motivation is good and manipulation is bad. But sometimes only a fine line separates the two, and it’s difficult to know which side of the line you’re on. The issues aren’t always clear-cut—what may be a legitimate case of motivation in one situation could, with a different intent, be manipulation.
An example is a cook who hides eggplant, which you’ve said you’ll never eat, in a casserole. You say, “Hey, that’s good. What is it?” Only then does he tell you. Were you manipulated? Or motivated?
A psychiatrist friend chided me one night by saying, “You businessmen mistake manipulation for motivation. The difference is you can substitute the word thirst for motivation but not manipulation.” He was saying unless you are satisfying someone’s thirst, you are probably manipulating rather than motivating. I’ve found this to be a good principle for distinguishing the two. I can motivate with integrity when I am bringing to consciousness a genuine thirst.
I was motivated in my appreciation of Dixieland music, for instance, by former Senator S. I. Hayakawa. He was an absolute authority on Dixieland, and we spent a pleasant evening discussing it. Later I realized that he, an excellent teacher and semanticist, had instilled a deeper interest than I’d had before.
He said, for example, “Cool jazz is courteous. Dixieland is discourteous because everybody talks at the same time. At the end of a number, after everybody’s made a statement and they ‘take it home,’ everyone starts making a statement at the same time.” He played on my intellectual interest to attract me to Dixieland.
He never said, “I’m going to try to intrigue you.” He simply intrigued me.
Was that manipulation? I don’t think so because I already had some interest and he merely deepened it. Now I can listen to a band and tell which musicians are really making statements and which are just putting in time.
Whenever we try to motivate without the other person knowing what we are trying to do, however, we need to be careful. We can try to bring out a latent desire a person doesn’t even know exists, but we need to remember to do three things: (1) Recognize how close we are to manipulation, (2) set a checkpoint, and if the technique doesn’t produce a genuine thirst, stop it, and (3) never resort to immoral means even for righteous ends.
A friend had a secretary who lived an uninhibited life-style with no apparent interest in the Christian way. One day a letter arrived for him from a student named Ed who closed with “Until I hear from you, I’ll be floating around.” My friend wrote him back, basically explaining how he could find spiritual reality without floating around. He rewrote that letter half a dozen times, not because he was dissatisfied with what he said the first time, but so it would have to be retyped by the secretary, who also was “floating around.”
In a sense, that bordered on manipulation. But I feel (others may differ) that it was done with integrity. Because my friend admitted to himself what he was doing, he ended it after a limited time; and his action did not exploit the woman—he was paying her a full salary for the typing.
Later he found she kept a copy of the letter for herself, and she eventually became a Christian. The process started with her typing that letter to Ed.
Instilling motivation is hard work. It takes a lot out of me to bring you where I want you to go. I sometimes hear people say, “Well, if a person doesn’t want to go, I have no right to manipulate him to get him there.” I may not have a right to manipulate, but neither can I allow the fear of manipulation to be a rationalization for not doing the hard work of instilling motivation, which is, after all, one of the leader’s most important tasks.
At the same time, we limit anything that borders on manipulation because it is so easy to exploit people with it. To challenge people, to motivate with integrity, means I may put a lot of effort into a person, but the time comes when he must be set free. He may walk away and leave me empty-handed, but any more on my part would be dishonest manipulation. My only recourse is to start over with somebody else.
I once recommended to a young woman a particular church because she wanted to meet some sharp professional people. I sensed, however, that she wasn’t very interested in spiritual things, so I didn’t keep encouraging her to go. She would not have been going for the right reason.
I simply wanted her to be exposed to the spiritual to see if there was any interest, to give the Spirit of God a chance to work. In this case, apparently the time wasn’t right, so I felt any more pushing would have been manipulation.
Uses and Abuses
In most cases, manipulation is the prostitution of motivation. Prostitution is always easier than the real thing; it’s an attempt to get results without honest investment. Motivation is not a quick fix; manipulation can be.
A common example in the church is prooftexting, where someone takes a promise people find very attractive (God wants you in a Rolls Royce) and digs up three or four Bible verses that say God will supply your deepest desire. That’s manipulation, not honest instruction.
There are other ways we see manipulation in the church.
Appealing to human gratification
Anything that appeals primarily to human desire is manipulation; anything that satisfies divine desires is motivation.
If we structure a church so members come only to meet their human needs for friendship, security, belonging, or tradition, we are manipulating.
To find ways to motivate spiritually is difficult. It’s much easier to find a human mutual interest than to implant a divine mutual interest. Divine interests may contradict human interests. If you decide church officers must fulfill the scriptural requirements for deacon or elder, think of the political fallout! In many cases, if you don’t let the financially powerful exert their influence, they go to another church, or worse, wreak havoc in this one. So we manipulate by giving them human satisfactions: prestige, power, and authority in the congregation.
Flimsy assurances
Sometimes we satisfy people too easily—with meetings. One Christian woman I know quit attending missionary society meetings because she said they didn’t do anything but meet, eat, and have a short prayer. The worst part, she said, was that everyone left feeling they had done something for missions when in fact they’d done nothing. The activity was manipulative—getting people to think they were working when they were actually only keeping busy.
Relying on recognition
I once talked with a young man who planned to give a large donation to establish a Christian institution.
“Are you doing this because God needs it?” I asked.
“Yes, I think so,” he said.
“Are you going to put your name on it?”
“Yes, I’d planned to.”
“Then I don’t think you’re spiritually mature enough to do it,” I said.
He had the honesty to say, “That may be true. Maybe I’d better think about it for a while.” Several years later, he dropped the idea because his motivations have matured.
Selective appreciation
When a wealthy person gives a gift larger than other people but small compared to what he is capable of giving, exaggerated recognition for that gift is manipulative. It does not motivate.
Occasionally I see people recognized as outstanding leaders when the only outstanding thing they’ve done is give more money than other people can afford. It hasn’t affected their lives; it represented no sacrifice. Fawning over them is favoritism, which is condemned in Scripture.
Misuse of “ministry”
I saw an ad on a seminary bulletin board for a secretarial job opening. It listed the normal skills required and then said, “Pay is low because it is a ministry.” I wanted to tear it down.
I haven’t the vaguest idea why a secretary working in a “Christian” setting should make less than a secretary in a “secular” setting. I understand even less how the location determines whether the secretary’s job is a ministry.
I wouldn’t mind if the ad had said, “We pay according to how much support we receive” or “Pay depends on how well the organization does financially.” But to spiritualize low wages as “ministry” is manipulation.
These forms of manipulation are usually justified because they help the cause. But in the work of God, ends—even noble ends—never justify means. Such thinking humanizes God and eliminates his sovereignty. God becomes unnecessary as we presume to do for him what he couldn’t do in any other way. We forget God is as interested in the process by which we live as the product we produce. If that process is not divinely sanctioned, we are outside his will.
Means of Motivating
What are some motivational means? How can we bring out the best in people without resorting to manipulative tactics?
Establish a tangibly friendly atmosphere
This is especially true with co-workers, whether volunteer or paid. In the corporate world, for instance, I’m very straightforward when hiring: I prefer “my kind of people”—people I can motivate. I can’t motivate everybody. It’s easier to manipulate than motivate. For long-term, day-to-day relationships, however, I need people I can motivate with integrity. I have never been able to fully motivate somebody I didn’t like.
But when I’ve genuinely motivated someone, I can look him or her in the eye and know we have an honest, friendly relationship between us.
Enjoy people’s uniqueness
Being friends is beneficial; having the same tastes is not necessary.
One young woman worked for me matching colors of ink. She could get tears in her eyes over certain shades of blue. “Isn’t this a beautiful match?” she’d ask.
I never could figure what went on in her head to make matching blues such a remarkable occurrence. But all I needed to do to keep her motivated was to share her excitement and appreciate her work.
Know a person’s capabilities
With this employee, the most unkind thing I could have done would have been to say, “Don’t you think of anything more important than shades of blue?” The truth of the matter was, more often than not, she didn’t. Nor would my criticism have made her a better person. She was helping the company by doing what she enjoyed.
I must spend time to know what a person can do. My responsibility is to make as objective an evaluation as I can of present skills, potential capacities, level of commitment, ability to be motivated, discipline, and intensity. If I am to lead, I owe it to my people to take the time to evaluate them well.
The key is not to let feelings override judgment. I try to be as objective with a person as I am with money. If I count your money, the fact that I like you won’t make me adjust the bottom line. I need to be just as objective about ability, drive, and dedication.
My color matcher didn’t have extensive capabilities, and to motivate her above her capacity would have been cruel. If a musician has limited talent, it’s a sin to talk about the joys of being a Mozart. When you’re with a woman who is single at age fifty-five, you don’t overdo motherhood. In motivation, desire must be matched with ability. You focus on the advantages of being who you are and not what somebody else is.
Motivation always looks to the future.
Know how much responsibility a person can take
Some people can take sizable responsibility but not sole responsibility. They may have great abilities, but something in their psyche says, I don’t want the whole load. I want somebody to lean on, to report to.
Some people work best with assignments rather than responsibility. Assignments mean you explain what you want, when you want it, and how you want it done. Responsibility means the person takes initiative and gets the job done effectively by whatever means he or she develops.
Good leaders know which kind of people are working for them.
Look for ways both of you can benefit
A certain honesty is required in motivation. It admits that unless there is a mutual interest, perhaps we shouldn’t get involved in this thing together.
If a person does have potential, a good question to ask is: “You have a lot more talent than you’ve been able to put to use. How much effort are you willing to exert if we give you the opportunity to develop that talent?”
The development, of course, has to be in line with the ministry. I wouldn’t invest church resources to train somebody who wanted to be a watchmaker. We have to find the mutual advantage. But we can be looking for individuals who want to develop certain skills from which the church can benefit. When a person sees he or she is improving in some area, and it is also helping the body, this is a powerful motivation.
Be honest about your goals
A young minister came to see me not long ago. He wanted to know how he could build his small church into a big church.
“What’s your primary motivation?” I asked.
“Frankly, the size church I’ve got can’t pay me enough to live on,” he said.
For him to begin an evangelism program, he would have to manipulate people. He couldn’t be honest about it.
His church was big enough to support a pastor if he could convince them to tithe, but he’d rather go into a church expansion program than try to teach people to tithe.
Use people as positive illustrations
In my speaking, I’ve told how certain people excelled at something, perhaps a Christian virtue, and they seemed to love being mentioned that way and consequently began to exhibit even more of those positive traits. This becomes manipulation only if what you’re saying is untrue or slanted—or if you threaten to use a person as a bad illustration.
One of the ways I motivate people to think is to always carry some blank cards in my pocket, and when anyone says something worth writing down, I do so. For years I tried to remember memorable lines until I was alone and could jot myself a note. Then I overheard someone say, “I didn’t know it was that good, but he wrote it down!” I realized people love to be quoted. And quoting them motivates them to think better.
Now in conversation I’ll often say, “May I write that down?” It has excellent motivating power.
One of the nicest compliments you can earn is “He makes me think smart when I’m with him.” It’s a sign you are motivating people to think.
Give a person a reputation to uphold
One of my bosses had a way of saying nice things about his workers that got back to them. True things but nice things. We appreciated it, and we couldn’t keep from trying to do more things he could tell about. People will work hard to uphold a good reputation.
Ask, What is special about this person? For example, some people rarely say anything negative. That’s a beautiful reputation to start giving them. “Here’s a person who looks for the best in others.” Of course, you can’t be dishonest and say that about a cynic.
I have consciously augmented my wife’s reputation as a creative listener. She is. I did it basically to comfort her because she’d always say after a social occasion, “I didn’t have anything to say. All I did was listen.” And yet she does that better than anyone I know.
One night at a dinner party, she was sitting next to a quiet, powerful man. His wife, sitting next to me, said, “I feel sorry for your wife having to sit next to Jack.”
“Jack will talk his head off,” I said.
“But you don’t know Jack.”
“No,” I replied, “but I know my wife.”
Jack talked his head off. I’m sure his wife thought, What in the world happened to Jack? It was simple—Mary Alice has the ability to listen dynamically, to make people feel they’re smart. And often they live up to it!
Compliment with credibility
I learned a secret of complimenting from Sarah Jarman, a gracious, intelligent, impeccable woman. Hers were never general compliments, but always specific. “That tie and that suit are exactly right for each other.” From then on, I’d wear that tie with that suit.
It was obvious her observations were well thought out, believable, and correct. She never tried to compliment you on something outside her field of expertise. She understood social graces, and the thing she knew best she would compliment you on. She was believable.
I never will forget talking with a professional singer after a concert, and a lady came up and gushed, “You sure did sing well.”
The singer thanked her, but after she left, he said, “I could spit.”
“Why?” I asked.
“That woman doesn’t know how poorly or how well I sang. All she knows is whether or not I made her feel good. I know she meant well, but I wish she’d just said, ‘I enjoyed your singing,’ rather than rendering a judgment on something she knows little about.”
Compliments mean the most when you know what you’re talking about.
Show people you enjoy your work
I learned from my former boss, Maxey Jarman, that it was fun to work.
One time, half complaining and half fishing for praise, I said, “I sure am working hard.”
Maxey replied, “What would you rather be doing?”
“Oh, nothing else,” I had to admit.
“Then,” Maxey said matter-of-factly, “you shouldn’t complain about doing what you’d rather do.”
By observing him and seeing how grateful he was for his responsibility, I realized I liked to work. That’s when I had the most fun and satisfaction.
A friend once said, “I was a sophomore at Princeton before I realized it was fun to learn. Then school became exciting.” He was fortunate. That doesn’t happen to a lot of students until it’s too late.
I don’t have a higher education, but one of the blessings is that I never learned to study for grades. My friends in higher education have confirmed that those who learned to study for grades are often delayed as thinkers. They say the B students in seminary will often be the best pastors.
Then, tongue in cheek, they say the A students come back as professors and administrators—and they usually wind up calling on the C students for money because they’ve become the money-makers.
Finding Thirsty People
If the difference between motivation and manipulation is the quenching of thirst, then the key for a leader is to look for thirsty people.
People, however, have different thirsts, and motivating them means knowing what they are thirsty for. Viktor Frankl has taught us that almost everyone has a basic thirst for meaning in life. There are other thirsts: worthwhile accomplishment, utilization of talents, approval by God. One of the greatest for those in Christian work is a thirst to belong, a desire for community in the kingdom of God.
One of the secrets of identifying a person’s thirst is to see what has motivated him or her in the past. People rarely outlive their basic thirst. If they get a thirst early in life, they seldom lose it. If they have a thirst for recognition, these people never seem to get quite enough fame. If they thirst for intellectual growth, they never get quite smart enough. If they want money, I rarely see them get to the point where they don’t want more.
Then, once we’ve identified where people are dry, effective motivators ask themselves, What kind of water do I have to satisfy that kind of thirst?
When we are able to honestly and openly offer water to parched people, we are not manipulating. We are motivating.
Copyright © 1997
