All the safeguards in the world will not help the counselor who has not come to terms with his own sexuality.
Andre Bustanoby
She was a very attractive woman, by my estimate about thirty-five years old. (She turned out to be a well-preserved forty-five.) I introduced myself in the waiting room and told her I would be her counselor.
“I’m Colleen,” she said. Then, lowering her head slightly, she looked me intently in the eye. It was one of those looks that needed no words. I got the message, even though I don’t normally attract the instant attention of women.
Colleen then fluffed her hair, pulled her sweater tightly over her well-endowed figure, and looked back at me coquettishly as if to say, “Do you like what you see?” I knew at that moment that Colleen’s sexuality and my reaction to it would be a primary dynamic in the counseling to follow.
If counseling were mere advice giving, her sexuality and what I thought about it would be immaterial. But the therapeutic art of counseling is far more than advice; it’s a relationship between the counselor and counselee. It deals with deep emotions. It draws both parties into an intimate bond. Sometimes sexual feelings are discussed — and legitimately so, for sexuality is an important part of life, a gift of God to be under his control.
Admittedly, this kind of encounter is fraught with danger. While some naively say that truly Christian counselors should have no problem working with members of the opposite sex, experience shows that we do. Not only do we have problems handling the counselee’s sexual arousal, but we may also have difficulty controlling our own sexual feelings.
As a pastor for twelve years and a counselor in clinical practice for the last fourteen, I also know that pastors in large churches may encounter someone like Colleen as often as once a month, especially if those pastors are attractive and have charismatic personalities. And while I recognize that not all counselors are male, I will refer to them that way here, since the majority of violations of professional conduct occur with male counselors and female clients.
The Old Safety Strategies
Seminaries have long recognized the problem of sexual attraction in pastoral counseling and have advanced a number of safety strategies. Although these approaches help, they have shortcomings.
One strategy frequently recommended is the open door, the policy that pastors leave the study door ajar when counseling women, so someone in the outer office can monitor what’s going on. The problem with this is that counselees want privacy. They won’t be honest about their problems if they think someone is eavesdropping. In fact, often they don’t even want other members of the church to know they’re seeking counseling. If someone else has to know what’s going on, the counselee prefers that person be present in the room.
What’s more, the pastor who doesn’t have his own sexuality under control may not make any sexual advances in his office anyway. He may instead develop a relationship with a woman in a more private setting.
Another strategy often suggested is referral. A counselor should refer a counselee to whom he is becoming sexually attracted. But too often this strategy doesn’t work because the counselor isn’t willing to admit to himself the extent of his attraction until it’s too late. By that time he’s not willing to give it up and make a referral. What’s more, he may be afraid the counselee will tell another counselor about the tryst.
A third approach is team counseling, which may be a workable alternative if the counselor has access to trainees who are willing to team counsel for experience. But to staff a church with two fully trained, fully paid counselors does not make economic sense if the primary objective is to provide the counselor a chaperone.
Even if the counselor should have an unpaid intern or be able to afford a fully trained team member, however, the systems theory of counseling must be taken into account. This theory says that a counselee’s response to two counselors will be different from her response to just one. All counselors don’t make good team people, either. And then there’s the question of whether the counselee will accept an intern as an equal member of a counseling team. The intern’s value to the effort may be reduced by the counselee’s attitude.
In defense of team counseling, an analogy sometimes is drawn to a physician’s protocol with a member of the opposite sex. It’s argued that a gynecologist doing a pelvic exam uses a nurse as a chaperone, likewise a plastic surgeon who does cosmetic work on the female breast.
The realities of medical practice, however, don’t always make this possible or even necessary. A shortage of nursing staff may require the physician to use judgment about when a chaperone is really required. Often a busy office routine may not make it practical. The physician must determine whether rapport and a professional attitude already have been established with the patient. The age difference between the physician and the patient might also be enough to settle any question.
Even if the chaperone system should be observed rigidly, however, the counselor-counselee relationship is not an exact parallel. The presence of a chaperone in a physician’s examining room doesn’t change the condition of the tissue being examined. But in counseling it’s another matter. The presence of a chaperone may well keep a basic problem from coming to the surface, particularly when the issue is the counselee’s use or misuse of her sexuality.
Some may ask, “What’s wrong with that? Aren’t we trying to avoid sexual abuses in a counselor-counselee relationship?”
That is an important consideration, but avoiding danger is not our only goal. Our principal responsibility is to help the counselee. And if the counselee’s basic problem is using her sexuality to control men, the problem must be dealt with in a setting that is most likely to yield positive results.
What Happens When We’re Alone
Often a woman with this problem is not aware of it. All she knows is that she experiences disastrous sexual encounters with men without knowing why. Indeed, in a chaperoned setting the counselee may be the paragon of purity and innocence. I have seen counselees with this problem function quite differently in group therapy compared to individual therapy.
This is what was happening with Colleen. Besides seeing her in individual counseling, I also worked with her in group counseling. In individual therapy, she behaved seductively, often pressing me to tell her or show her that I found her attractive. In the group she came across as a man hater and took great pleasure in putting me down.
Her man-hating facade was a cover for how she really felt — ugly and unloved, desperately desiring to be affirmed by a man. In the group she came across as a strong, competent woman who didn’t need men.
My task in counseling Colleen one-to-one was to help her see that she was trying to do with me what she did with other men. The only way she knew how to relate to men was sexually, and she always wound up being used. I had a responsibility to her not to let this happen in the counseling setting. Indeed, by keeping it from happening, I likely would be the first man who attempted to have a relationship with her on some basis other than sex.
My prayer was that this would open the door to new and successful relationships with other men as well. I knew I would be under constant pressure from her to become involved sexually. The key for me would be having my own sexuality under control and understanding that a sexual relationship with Colleen would have devastating consequences: it would destroy my marriage and my fellowship with God, and it would put me in danger of professional censure. Further, sexual involvement would do a terrible thing to this woman who had come to me for help.
All the safeguards in the world will not help the counselor who has not come to terms with his own sexuality, who does not loathe the idea of sex with a counselee, and who does not feel the terrible responsibility for helping, not hurting, that soul who comes for assistance.
As counselors, we must face two realities. First, transference is not bad. It’s natural and acceptable for counselees to develop feelings of affection for the counselor. Second, no safeguards will work if we don’t come to terms with our countertransference, if we allow our own affection for the counselee to go in the wrong direction and lead to improper behavior. Having come to terms with our own sexuality, however, we can establish a professional relationship with the counselee.
The Professional Solution
The sexually seductive counselee needs help. She can be helped by the counselor who understands that her seductiveness is not just a “sin problem” but evidence of being terribly unsure of herself. She doesn’t feel like a whole woman, and the only way she knows how to relate to men is sexually.
She needs to learn that sexuality is not only what we do but also what we are — male and female. Our gender affects our behavior and our feelings. We all need a sense of wholeness as a man or woman, as the case may be, and not just the ability to perform sexually.
My job as a counselor is to bring the counselee to that place, so far as I am able. Colleen probably could perform quite adequately sexually. But this was the only way she could relate to men. I needed to help her find better alternatives.
Counselors of all schools recognize that healthy feelings of worth are supplied through the affirmation of significant others. This is basic to child development, and it continues throughout life. The parent who maintains an attitude of respect toward himself and his child raises a child who believes in his own worth and the worth of others.
Thoughtful parents affirm not only the child’s worth as a person, but they also affirm boys as boys and girls as girls.
There’s a parallel between the parent-child and the counselor-counselee relationship. To affirm the counselee involves affirming both personhood and gender. But — and this is crucial — gender can be affirmed in a way that acknowledges both the counselee’s sexuality and biblical morality.
Affirming Gender and Godliness
Just how does a counselor affirm a woman’s gender? By being empathic, warm (what the texts refer to as “unconditional positive regard”), and genuine.
The problem comes with the woman who stirs the sexual feelings of the counselor. With this kind of woman, there is so much attraction that countertransference takes place.
The counselor meets the counselee in the reception room, and immediately his inward reaction is a combination of “Wow!” and caution. The woman is gorgeous and extremely provocative in manner and dress. His sexual response is entirely involuntary, as is his professional response of caution.
As the session begins, the counselee unfolds her story. The counselor learns that in spite of her assets, the woman is in crisis over her identity as a woman. The counselor may respond to her unprofessionally with a stated or implied, “Baby, let me affirm your femininity.” Sadly, this kind of response happens even among Christian counselors.
A second, more professional response is one of curiosity: “How is it that a woman who obviously draws all kinds of male attention should be in a crisis over her identity as a woman?” The answer to this question will not come quickly or easily. Eventually the counselee will almost always turn it around and ask the counselor, “What do you think of me as a woman?”
The responses can range from an inappropriate “Let me show you, Sweetheart” to the opposite extreme: “I think it’s time to make a referral.” Or the counselor can do the hard work of dealing with his countertransference in a professional way. The scenario might go like this.
Counselor: “I’m surprised that a woman who is so feminine in appearance and manner should think so little of herself as a woman.”
Counselee: “You find me attractive?”
This is a difficult question to avoid, but it can be answered with a clinical, rather than a seductive, “Yes, I do.” The counselee is sure to explore this further, and if the counselor maintains a professional attitude, the discussion can be used therapeutically.
The counselor’s candid admission of attraction makes him genuine. But he’d better be ready for the next question: “How attractive do you find me?” The implication is, If you’re sincere, you’ll show me how attractive you find me. If you don’t show me, you’re not sincere. This is a common ploy by women who manipulate men by sex.
But the counselor can bring the manipulation to light, without making the counselee feel condemned or endangering himself, by saying something like this: “I feel caught in a bind. I’m getting the message that if I’m really sincere about finding you attractive, I’ll prove it by getting sexually intimate with you. And if I don’t, it’s because you really are a washout as a woman rather than because of my Christian and professional convictions. I’m wondering if you don’t miss some good friendships with men because you need to have them prove that you’re a sexually attractive woman. What I’m trying to say is that I’d like to be able to find you a sexually desirable woman without having to go to bed to prove it. I’d like to be something other than your bed-partner. I want to be something better: your friend.”
Such a frank expression from a counselor raises an important question: Should a counselor really admit to finding a counselee attractive?
Assuming the counselor has already come to terms with his own sexuality, the answer is yes. The principle of genuineness is at stake. But genuineness does not require that we act out our feelings.
The genuineness of the counselor may be the very thing that provides a therapeutic breakthrough. If the counselee uses her sexuality to triumph over males, or if the only way she knows how to relate to males is sexually, a counselor who is both honest and professional can do her a great deal of good. His genuineness reveals that he has the normal sexual instincts of a male, but his conduct reveals that she doesn’t need to use her sexuality to have a close relationship with a man.
Another situation can arise that requires some maturity and finesse: when a woman behaves seductively, but the counselor does not find her advances tempting. In this case, an entirely different problem presents itself. When the verbal or nonverbal “Do you find me attractive” question arises, how do you affirm the sexuality of a woman you do not find sexually attractive?
The key is to find an honest way of affirming her femininity. If the counselor has developed an unconditional positive regard for her, out of genuine feelings he ought to be able to tell her what he likes about her as a woman.
“One of the things I find attractive about you is your sensitivity to the inner feelings of others.”
Or, “The thing I appreciate about you as a woman is your vivaciousness.” Note: the word vivacious is not used of lively men. It’s used of lively women. The very choice of word sets her apart as a woman. What’s more, a man has said, “I appreciate you as a woman.”
Obviously, we must avoid gimmickry here. Ours must be a genuine response or we’ll wind up doing more harm than good. But the principle is the same here as for the sexually attractive female: my job is to affirm her attractiveness as a woman while maintaining my moral and professional standards.
The Verbal Touch
Sometimes a counselee is affirmed as a person by a nonsexual touch or hug. But in opposite-sex counseling, isn’t there a danger that touching will be invested with sexual meaning?
Some counselors believe that a counselor should never touch a client of the opposite sex. And many pastors, with good reason, feel that hugging and touching are inappropriate in a church context because it’s too easily misunderstood — both by the person being touched and by others who observe it happening.
My experience, however, is that while physical touching may at times be misunderstood, the verbal touch is even more volatile — and unavoidable. If we have been doing our job with empathy, warmth, and genuineness, we have already touched the counselee in the most intimate way possible. A oneness already has been established. Having touched the counselee emotionally in the depth of her soul, where do we go with that intimacy?
A counselor doesn’t have to touch a counselee physically to find sexual titillation, however. Some counselees have reported some heavy sexual conversations with other counselors, conversations I felt had nothing to do with counseling. A counselee has a right to feel angry when her head clears later and she feels she has been exploited. We have to ask ourselves continually, Do the sexually oriented conversations have a therapeutic purpose, or are we engaging in conversational voyeurism?
We have to be totally honest with ourselves. Motive is the key. Do we touch (physically or verbally) out of sexual attraction, out of an inner desire to exploit the situation, or do we touch out of a spontaneous expression of care for that person, quite apart from gender? When you touch with sex on your mind, you set the stage for sexual exploitation, whether you touch with words or with body contact.
Direct Sexual Advances
I am not so naive as to think that a sexually seductive client will be discouraged by my determination to maintain a professional relationship. Indeed, as a counselor, I may be considered a challenge, and she may be all the more determined to seduce me.
Colleen was that kind of woman. At the end of a session in which I had made it clear that I didn’t want a sexual relationship, she said, “Well, the least you can do is hug me.” Before I could decide how to answer, she put her arms around me and hugged me with a full frontal hug, being sure I could feel her entire body. She then stepped back and looked at me as if to say, “Now, didn’t you enjoy that?”
I took the initiative and said, “Colleen, there are friendly hugs and seductive hugs. That definitely was more than friendly.”
Though she snapped at me for “rejecting” her, she made another appointment. In the next session I dealt with what happened in the previous one. Colleen wasn’t happy about my reaction to her and my resistance, but she said she understood. When the session was over, she asked if she could give me a “friendly” hug. Once again, however, it was anything but friendly.
We had reached an impasse, and I didn’t trust myself alone with her any longer. I told her that if I were going to be of any help to her, we would have to do something different. I wanted a female colleague of mine to come to the next session, evaluate where we were, and make some recommendations about where we should go.
Colleen was dead set against this. She said she would continue in my group, but she would not be part of a session with another counselor.
In our next group session, I understood why she wanted to stay in the group. She used it as a forum to attack me more viciously than ever. I knew she was angry and hurt that I didn’t respond to her sexually, and it would be only a matter of time before the group would realize something was wrong.
Finally it happened. After several weeks of Colleen’s outrageous attacks on me in the group, one woman demanded, “What is it with you, anyway? You act like a rejected lover, Colleen. What’s been going on between you and Andy?”
This was the breakthrough we needed. After much hesitation, Colleen gave me permission to tell the group what had happened. In the security of the group, she was finally able to take off her mask and show that she felt like a frightened, unloved, little girl. I was then able to go on with her in the group and establish the first wholesome relationship with her that she had ever had with a man. If my first concern in counseling had been my safety, Colleen would never have tipped her hand and revealed her fundamental problem with men.
The way the group responded to Colleen’s attacks points to another principle worth bearing in mind. Namely, there is no fail-safe way to protect yourself completely from allegations of impropriety, no matter how professional and careful you might be. However, because I had a consistently credible record of treating female clients properly, with respect and professionalism and genuine Christian concern, the group recognized that any problem in my relationship with Colleen would probably not be because of impropriety on my part. That kind of consistent track record is the best defense against such allegations.
Helping the seductive female is difficult, but it can be done. It requires that we control our own sexuality. We mustn’t need female sexual advances to reinforce our own faltering egos.
But most of all, we must recognize that such women have needs that require a mature, nonexploitive love. It is the love of a father for a daughter, which on the one hand enforces a taboo on sexual activity and yet on the other hand affirms her as a woman.
When we offer that kind of love, tremendous healing can take place.
Copyright © 1989 Christianity Today
