Sexual responsiveness is fundamentally instinctual. The basic attraction to others should not concern us. What we do with the attraction is what is important.
—Archibald Hart
If you were hungry for love, wouldn’t it be nice to find someone who was educated, mannerly, articulate but also a good listener, respected in the community, occupationally powerful, yet unselfish and willing to spend time alone with you for free?
Numbers of counselees think so. They come to a church office and find themselves in the presence of the kindest, most receptive, admirable, gentle, wise person they’ve met in a long time. The solution to their turmoil, they gradually realize, is not so much what the pastor says as the pastor himself.
In the doctor of ministry classes I teach, I talk about this hazard, technically known as “transference” (the client projecting unmet feelings and desires into the counseling relationship, feelings and desires that belong somewhere else). The students each term write a response paper on how the course has related to their situations. Every time, 20 to 25 percent of them report transference as a problem they have faced in their ministries.
Countertransference, the even more distressing corollary, is when the counselor projects unmet feelings and desires into the mix that belong elsewhere.
The Problem
At the outset, let me stress that an intimate but inappropriate relationship between a pastor and a church member does not always involve physical sex. Although such relationships have the potential to become sexual, they may remain as emotional attachments for a long time. (This is especially true of female pastors.)
“I’ve been lonely,” wrote one male pastor, “and I cannot communicate with my wife. She doesn’t understand how I feel. All she wants to talk about are the kids and her mother. 1 want to explore ideas, thoughts, and feelings. So I began spending time with this other woman after we finished our counseling sessions. She understands me. lean share myself with her. I hope this doesn’t go further—I’d hate to have to decide whether to leave my wife.”
The relationship was only emotional at that point. But such a relationship will go further if the counselor does nothing to stop it. All sexual affairs begin in this benign way.
Although most liaisons emerge out of counseling relationships, some start when a minister has to work closely with someone on a committee or project. Since more and more younger women have assumed church responsibilities in recent years, male ministers are now in closer working relationships with women, where feelings of warmth and affection can easily arise. Sometimes the relationship develops with a secretary or other colleague.
Male pastors are typically attracted to younger women, although it is not unusual for ministers to be attracted to older ones as well. And attraction does not require extensive contact. Glances from the pulpit or a chance encounter in a corridor or on a hospital visit can trigger a strong attraction to another.
Transference for female pastors can have other dimensions as well. Female pastors can be the target of seductive ploys by certain types of males. These men are usually out to prove their masculinity; they see the “pure” female pastor as a challenge to conquer, especially if she is attractive. Whether she is married doesn’t seem to matter.
Female pastors also attract very strong emotional transferences from other females. These women want to be “special” friends, and some of these transferences can be obsessional, demanding a lot of attention from the pastor.
Basic attraction to others should not concern us. It is a normal part of human life. Sexual responsiveness is fundamentally instinctual, though it is heavily influenced by learning. It is based in biology, in hormones that can powerfully control behavior and emotions.
What we do with the attraction is what’s important. Whether we succumb to it, deny or repress it (which is often the gateway to increased vulnerability later on), or honestly and courageously deal with the attraction will be determined not only by our spiritual maturity but also by our level of self-understanding and professional competence.
The apostle Paul says, “It is God’s will that you should be holy; that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God” (1 Thess. 4:3-5).
In essence, Paul tells us to understand our bodies and know how to control our urges and drives. Since much attraction gets out of hand in avoidable situations, and often arising out of needs the average pastor does not understand, better training about the counseling process can prevent the catastrophe of ministerial affairs.
Where Transference Happens
I believe one main source of church-related sexual affairs starts in the counseling relationship. The transference and countertransference that emerge in counseling get out of control.
Over the past two decades, the topic of sexual intimacies with clients has received considerable attention in the helping professions. In California it is illegal (not just unethical) for a psychotherapist to have sex with a client, even if evidence shows the client was the primary seducer and a willing participant. Psychotherapists are required to report all cases of clients who report sexual encounters with previous psychotherapists.
These professions readily acknowledge that in the close, personal relationship of psychotherapy, warm, friendly, intimate feelings are bound to develop. Just as surgery produces blood, therapy produces a closeness that can easily be mislabeled “love.” The competent therapist recognizes these feelings as a by-product of therapy and is trained to deal with them. His or her own hangups and unmet needs are not allowed to enter the picture.
True, not all psychotherapists are adequately trained or follow their training. But some ministers are not even aware of these issues, let alone have training in dealing with them. Both need help.
Although a minister’s married life is a basic deterrent to seeking an illicit affair, it does not guarantee safety in the counseling room or the more subtle encounters of committee or project work.
I have always believed, despite protests from unsuspecting pastors, that a minister’s vulnerability has nothing to do with his marital happiness. (My experience in this area is mainly with married, male pastors; thus the masculine pronouns throughout this article.) For many centuries Scripture has warned us to be on guard when we feel most safe! Sexual attraction can occur as easily when one is happily married as when one is not. You may more deliberately seek out an affair when you are not happy, but you are not necessarily safe when all is bliss at home.
Contributing Factors
All ministers are vulnerable to affairs for the following reasons:
• The counseling relationship. Counseling provides an opportunity to explore the feelings of another person. People not involved in counseling don’t get the same opportunity and probably can’t grasp how deeply satisfying a truly empathic understanding can be.
I know some ministers who deliberately refuse all one-to-one counseling with the opposite sex; they avoid the intimacy of counseling because they know they are too needful of intimacy themselves and thus subject to temptation. In such cases, avoiding counseling is a sensible decision.
• The pastoral image. Ministers, because of their role, can be especially attractive to members of the opposite sex. They are perceived as caring, concerned, and helpful, yet with a power that is exciting. They can attract pretty women who in other settings would not give them a second look. Many ministers confuse this attraction to their role with attraction to their person.
They are also perceived as safe. Intimate conversations with ministers do not typically create as much guilt as do such conversations with others: “After all, if the pastor is willing, it can’t be that bad,” they rationalize. Many are misled into believing they can allow their warm, loving feelings to develop with a minister because the pastor will know where and when to set limits.
When they find no such limits set, they often panic. In other words, the minister, having stepped out of the pastoral role, no longer seems attractive; that pastor has destroyed the very reason for the attraction and suddenly faces an accuser.
• The denial of sexual urges. It is an unfortunate consequence of our Christian aspirations to holiness that we create a sexually repressive subculture. Many ministers (and Christians in general) fear their sexuality and see in it a tremendous potential for sin. Although they are fundamentally right, the healthier way to deal with the sex drive is to bring it into the open and courageously confront and master it.
The majority of ministers enter their profession with the highest ethical intentions. They deeply desire to be genuine and spiritual. And many are also confused and troubled about their sexuality, especially when their sexual feelings seem contrary to their high calling. Rather than confronting their feelings by admitting to another the power and pervasiveness of sexual urges, some pastors repress them, diverting their sexual energies into work or a hobby. Others simply deny they even have sexual urges toward other women.
Repression and denial, particularly in male pastors, can lead them to believe that they are immune to sexual temptations, and so they increase their vulnerability. They end up counseling women alone in their homes or working closely with women late into the night, believing they have things under control. When the inevitable finally happens, everyone is shocked. But due to their lack of openness in this area, their traditional role and high moral standards have ended up fortifying their march into sin.
• The home situation. Although a happy marriage does not guarantee safety, an unhappy one certainly doesn’t help. “The pain of having a lack of intimacy and free flow of conversation in my marriage was too much to bear,” one pastor wrote me. “I longed to love with abandon, to feel feelings and share intimacies with someone else.” He went on to describe a series of seven affairs over ten years.
Although such excessive needs for affection can be neurotic, if a marriage is satisfying, a minister should be able to focus even his neurotic needs on his spouse. An affair can easily be encouraged when the need for intimacy is great and the marriage does not provide an opportunity for close sharing.
• Life stages. It is quite clear that men, in particular, are more vulnerable to affairs when they pass through critical stages of life. One of these is commonly called the midlife crisis, but there are other critical stages as well. Almost every decade brings its own period of crisis, demanding a major adjustment of values and behavior.
Ministers do not escape these. If their work is not satisfying, or if they are having problems in the church, they are more prone to temptation in a crisis period. In times of burnout or interpersonal conflict, or when major life decisions must be made, the desire for comfort and emotional closeness increases dramatically.
Recognizing the Danger Signals
Since an intimate affair can develop during counseling almost unnoticed, a discussion of the danger signals of countertransference is crucial.
1. The pastor begins to look forward to the counseling sessions with a particular parishioner. He or she ruminates about the appointment and cannot wait for the time to arrive. Pulse rate increases, palms become sweaty, and the voice develops a slight tremor when the parishioner arrives.
2. Very soon the pastor begins to extend the session time and may even grant extra counseling sessions. The minister cancels other appointments to please the parishioner (often without even realizing what’s happening).
3. Hidden or oblique messages are sent both ways. The message, which on the surface is innocuous, means something more personal at a deeper level: “I really enjoy my time with you, Pastor” or “Your wife (husband) is sure lucky to have you as a husband (wife).”
4. Counseling sessions may spend an inordinate amount of time on sexual matters. The client may begin to share sexual history or previous affairs that are unrelated to the problem for which counseling has been sought.
5. The pastor may begin to notice more his or her own marital frustrations. Such pastors begin to complain about petty things, often because they feel guilty and can alleviate their guilt by transforming it into anger.
6. The pastor begins to fantasize excessively and then exclusively about the client.
7. He makes excuses to call her and have extra conversations with her. Luncheon appointments in a remote setting may then follow. These are rationalized as “additional counseling sessions.”
8. Casual touching becomes more frequent, and the sessions end with embraces that become more prolonged or intense.
One particular personality type is particularly risky for the male minister: the female hysterical personality. This person is typically shallow, overly reactive, even vivacious, uninhibited in displaying sexuality, given to flirtations, coquetry, and romantic fantasy. Such a person is also impressionable and craves excitement but is naive and frigid. She is, in essence, a caricature of femininity, drawing attention to herself to obtain admiration.
Because this personality is extremely prone to transference, the pastor who falls prey to her seductions is bound to be destroyed. He may be embarrassed by public displays of affection and the discovery that her initial attractiveness was only superficial.
It has long been recognized in psychiatry and psychology that the difference between a brilliant and an average therapist is that the former recognizes the hysterical personality and runs away faster. This should also be true for brilliant ministers!
Dealing with Transference
The average pastor cannot afford the time and energy demanded by a counselee with a high propensity for transference. Training in dealing with transference requires extensive supervision, far more than is typically provided in a course on counseling. If this training is available, you should take advantage of it.
In the meantime:
• Treat it like other feelings. The safest way to deal with transference is simply to receive it as one would receive any feeling of a client. This is done without encouraging the transference any further. The counselor helps the client see that the feelings reside in the counselee, not in the counselor.
The counselor may ask clarifying questions to increase the client’s understanding of his or her feelings. “You feel you’re in love with me. Why do you suppose this is so?” In other words, the full expression of feelings is allowed without either condoning or rejecting them.
• Be direct about it, although this should be done only at a later stage, and only when it can be done without offending the client. For example, “Sometimes when people share their innermost secrets with someone else, they feel drawn and very close to that person. Do you think this is what is happening here?”
• Always stay professional. I don’t mean you cannot be friendly and personable. I do mean that you keep to your appointment schedule and avoid stepping out of your professional role.
• Refer hard cases. Don’t hesitate to make a referral to a trusted Christian psychotherapist if the transference gets out of hand. A mark of professional competence is knowing your limits.
The Pastor’s Protection
But what about countertransference? What does a pastor do with those warm, loving feelings toward a client?
- Never share these feelings with your counselee. Never talk of them or even hint they are present. They are your problem, not your client’s. If you do, you will either encourage an intimate relationship, or you will be rejected. You lose both ways.
- Understand the difference between countertransference and simple attraction. In simple attraction, which is normal, you can walk away from the person to whom you feel some attraction. You are free to leave. You can choose to leave physically and mentally. But when you are obsessed with someone, when you allow yourself to think about the client constantly, you have problems. You must learn to redirect your thoughts and avoid fantasizing over the person.
- Be aware of your needs for intimacy. Maintain an intimate relationship with your spouse and another close friend or two. Ministers are often lonely people, and they sometimes shut themselves off from others. By so doing they will likely at some point find themselves craving intimacy, praise, or admiration. When this happens, get help.
- Develop a system of accountability. Not only are you accountable to God, but you need someone to whom you can be accountable and talk frankly about your feelings. Such a person could be a work colleague, a pastor from another church (to whom the accountability can be reciprocated), or even your spouse.
The Marital Relationship
In fact, the spouse’s role is crucial in helping a pastor develop a safe position from which to counsel.
For instance, in terms of male pastors, many wives find it difficult to understand how their husbands, as pastors, can be attracted to other women. How can a man so prominent, so respected, so intelligent, be subject to vulgar temptation?
As Paul Tournier points out in his book To Understand Each Other, this attitude only increases a pastor’s guilt feelings and prevents him from sharing his innermost struggles over sex with her. To him, she becomes the incarnation of moral law.
Tournier says, “This is the driving force of much adultery, so severely denounced by the virtuous … wife once she discovers it.” She thinks that if he really loved her, he would not think of other women.
What she doesn’t know is that her pastor/husband desperately wants to confide this struggle to her. He wants to channel his arousal back to her, where it belongs. But sometimes her veil of silence, resistance, and condemnation only increases the emotional distance.
In other cases, it’s ministers who build walls around themselves, refusing to let their spouses see their intimate thoughts and feelings. Many pastors are introverts who only with difficulty can talk about their feelings. Or ministers may be plagued by guilt, because a good minister, they think, should be able to conquer such temptations.
Then again, some pastors don’t want to burden their spouses with their own struggles. Or others, so tired from listening to other people’s troubles day after day, have for some time abandoned the idea of intently engaging their spouse in conversation.
Whether the lack of intimacy is created by one or both partners, however, the solution is the same: the couple needs to build a safer, more secure marriage in which they both—particularly in this case, the minister—can talk openly about their fears, sufferings, sorrows, guilt, and misery.
Although he writes to male ministers, Tournier’s advice on this matter works both ways: “The best protection against sexual temptations is to be able to speak honestly of them and to find, in the wife’s understanding, without any trace of complicity whatsoever, effective and affective help needed to overcome them.”
Coupled with a dependence upon God’s Holy Spirit to provide help in time of trouble, this sort of transparency can prevent affairs. It can also build a depth of love, understanding, and oneness that I doubt can be experienced any other way this side of heaven.
Copyright © 1992 by Christianity Today
