Carlos called me in a panic. His ministry was suffocating him and his mind was filled with thoughts of leaving. He'd waited until late afternoon to call, and I had thoughts of getting home to mow the lawn. I did not have time to let him cry on my shoulder (or in my ear, as the phone would have it). So I put forth the blunt question I reserve for need-seekers: "Why are you calling me?"
The truth was he was looking for a job connection. I considered hanging up. But rather than send him away empty-handed, I offered to coach him through the situation. I'd recently completed a certification process for coaching, and I figured I could practice my new skills on Carlos with little risk of botching it. After all, he was already prepared to leave the ministry. How much worse could I make it?
He responded to my invitation to coach him with a question of his own: "What's coaching?"
Basics of the game
Coaching assumes that a unique "solution seed" lies within every challenge. This seed simply needs to be given the right environment in order to germinate and reveal itself. Thus a coach tries to create the right environment for the solution seed to grow within the soil of the current challenge. In contrast, a consultant, or expert, can be likened to a contractor who uses his knowledge to bring outside materials and solutions onto the bare soil of a client's challenge.
Today's leaders, including those in the church, are drawn to the organic over the mechanical. They trust the natural more than the artificial. And they are suspicious of outsiders who offer neat solutions to every problem. The values of Celtic Christianity, which are experiencing a resurgence in popularity, stress a person's God-given spirit that lies hidden beneath layers of sin and muck, and must be nurtured out. As George C. Hunter points out in The Celtic Way of Evangelism (Abingdon, 2000), this approach contrasts with the Roman model, which seeks to overcome man's crippling condition by delivering help from outside the person in need.
Coaching is an art of discovery more than a science of delivery. The use of questions and conversation in coaching means that we begin from a posture of humility and mystery, not authority and knowledge. The coach serves as a catalyst in the client's own journey of discovery.
There is a lot of talk today about life being a journey rather than a destination. Many leaders have abandoned the notion that one ever "arrives." This makes books, conferences, and other products that promise once-and-for-all solutions appear obsolete and arrogant. A journey consists of a series of steps, and today's leaders are simply looking for help to take the next one in their journey.
The art of coaching helps people find the road signs to where their journey is headed. It does not prescribe a single solution for every situation. Thus, coaches must be be artful in skills of discovery, rather than experts over a body of knowledge.
"What's coaching?" Carlos asked.
I told him that coaching is an approach to help people find solutions and take the actions to realize a more fruitful future. It uses four basic skills.
Coaching skill 1: Listening
"That seems totally backward," Carlos said. "You're the denominational worker. I'd rather listen to you. Why don't you just tell me what to do?"
He didn't yet understand the importance of listening. I explained that I didn't have any advice to give him. In fact, I had no idea what he ought to do, because I had never been in his situation. That's why in coaching, the coach actively listens.
Carlos asked if our sessions would require him to relive all the pain that had brought him to his present crisis. Would he have to spill his guts, perhaps while lying on a sofa? I assured Carlos that as his coach, I would not be listening as a counselor, therapist, or even a pastor. The purpose of my listening would be strategic. I would listen to help him discover what meaningful actions he could take to improve his situation.
Coaching is distinct from therapy in that it focuses on how the present can shape the future. Therapy and counseling usually focus on how the present has been shaped by the past.
As Carlos began telling his story, he focused upon his desire to serve a church with a more contemporary style. But as he talked, it became apparent that this was not his real need, that his deeper desire was to be part of a healthy ministry team.
This was a huge insight for him, and it came by simply giving him the space to talk though what he really wanted.
Coaching skill 2: Inquiring
Coaching is an art of constructive dialogue, and it involves a lot of questions. Carlos was delighted when I told him this. "Good," he said, "because I have lots of questions, and I'm really hoping you have some answers for me." I reminded Carlos that it would do little good for him to ask questions. I wasn't the one with answers.
Coaches ask questions to help clients discover the answers. Coaching assumes the person closest to the problem typically has the best answer, but he or she cannot get to it without help from someone skilled in asking the right questions. This is different from the process used by mentors, guides, or consultants, who typically deliver answers based upon their own stories and experiences.
My first coaching session with Carlos involved a series of inquiries.
Q (me): It sounds like your current situation is really draining you. Rather than focusing on the negative, describe a time when you were at your best.
A (Carlos): In my previous position, I helped lead a team that put together a community outreach ministry using sports. It was a huge success, and I had a lot of fun doing it. I felt like I really flourished there.
Q: What three words best describe what you loved about the experience?
A: Team. Outcome. Freedom.
Q: Would you like to have more of those three in your future?
A: Certainly. I think those three words really sum up what I long for, and what is missing in my current ministry.
Q: What are your options for having more team, more outcome, and more freedom in your future?
A: Well, either I change my current church, or I find another place of service within the church.
Q: Which of those two do you think is the better option?
A: I'm really not sure.
Carlos did not want to give up on his current church. Like many ministers, he wanted to redeem the systems and people that were causing the problems before moving on. But by inquiring, I discovered that he was not ready to admit that a significant source of his stress was coming from his pastor. He was still unsure whether to stay or leave the church. So I asked, "What could help you be sure?" (You can probably predict his answer.) He said he would pray about it.
Coaching skill 3: Truth-telling
When a coaching session hits a real sticking point, the coach may choose to stop listening, stop asking, and just tell it as he or she sees it.
I affirmed Carlos's decision to pray, but I reminded him that he had been praying about his decision to leave the church for some time with little insight gained. I believed he needed to take a more specific approach to his decision. I encouraged him to prayerfully consider which context would be the best for him to experience team, outcome, and freedom.
I also suggested Carlos connect with one additional person who could help him answer his dilemma. He concluded that only his senior pastor would be the right person. Carlos set up an appointment with the pastor, and was prepared to simply ask him if he should stay or leave the church.
Coaching skill 4: Affirming
Coaching is not coaching unless action is taken. Admittedly, it may require a lot of courage to take the prescribed course of action. Clients are often slow to take action, especially when it involves risk. Most are looking for outside help and are accustomed to doing what someone else suggests. By acting upon his or her own discoveries, the client must take ownership of the outcome.
This is why the coach's affirmation is so critical. The coach must affirm the client's decisions so he or she can take ownership of the actions and outcomes. For Carlos, I recapped our conversation and the discovery that he truly wanted team, outcome, and freedom. I summarized how his need for these three things had led him to the decision to talk with his senior pastor.
Affirming is not about thanking a person for being a good client, or for making the "right" decisions. As a coach, I have no stake in the outcome of the situation, so expressing appreciation for the client's decisions is inappropriate. Affirming is about helping the client feel good about his or her process, discoveries, decisions, and actions.
Carlos's winning plays
Carlos and I finished our session by discussing the practical steps necessary for him to accomplish his decision. When, where, and how would he talk with his pastor? What barriers might keep him from following through? How could he remove those barriers? All of this solidified his commitment to take action.
For Carlos, the coaching relationship resulted in significant steps forward. His experience is not unusual. Today coaches help many executives, managers, salesmen, and other professionals achieve new levels of effectiveness and success. As a result, coaching is one of the fastest growing professions in the country. Although great managers have long utilized some of the basic coaching skills, today's cultural context may also explain the increasing popularity of coaching.
In a culture that values busyness, it is easy for even the best leaders to get sidetracked into less productive endeavors. Before long we can have difficulty discerning which tasks are important and which are expendable. Coaching helps clients discover what really matters in their lives. It allows them to take inventory of their values and desires by listening to their story, asking questions, and speaking the truth.
Once this has occurred, coaching then aids people to take intentional action toward more effectiveness and success in the future. This does not always mean adding new activities to their lives; it can often mean removing the clutter that has distracted them.
I've coached several clients to create "stop doing lists." This is a list of activities that kill productivity. Rather than simply adding new activities and skills, coaching can help busy people cut through the clutter and come to new clarity about the activities that will give the greatest return.
Carlos and I had two more coaching sessions. In the end Carlos began a new direction for his ministry. The actions were simple, but he admits he would not have found the courage to take them without our coaching relationship.
Chad Hall is founding pastor of Connection Church in Hickory, North Carolina, and an executive coach.
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