Leader's Insight: Shepherding the Sexually Abused

Do you recognize the following congregants?

With unwavering commitment Emily is dedicated to you—and to your vision. Readily volunteering when needed, she prays for you and regularly affirms your leadership gift. Each time you speak with her, the admiration in her eyes is evident.

Samantha, on the other hand, volunteers only when asked. She is polite and friendly but rarely makes herself available for conversation. And as a result, little is known about her.

Chloe is a tougher read. You sense that she doesn’t trust you. Yet, she continues to linger after the service asking question after question, or making appointments to ask you more.

although their reactions to the pastor differ, Emily, Samatha, and Chloe have one thing in common: each is the victim of childhood sexual abuse. They are among the millions of such survivors, estimated as high as 33 percent among women. Knowing that this statistic is representative only of the cases reported, we have to ask ourselves how many survivors have been too ashamed to tell? Or even more tragic, how many did tell their stories, perhaps over and over again to anyone who would listen, but were never believed?

Most people continue to think that abuse occurs mostly in other races, classes, or even churches, but abuse doesn’t discriminate. And every Sunday the ugly and distinctive adult consequences of childhood abuse are most certainly present among your crowd. So in our church families, and from the pastor’s perspective, what do these consequences look like? A definitive description is difficult, because circumstances and people differ widely, but we can identify three common perceptions a survivor of sexual abuse has of the pastor.

Pastor as father figure

Survivors who view their pastor as the “father” of their church family most likely have attributed this perception to the pastoral role itself rather than the person filling it. In her book, Is Nothing Sacred? Marie M. Fortune, founder of the Faith Trust Institute explains, “Clergy, whether they like it or not, are in a role of authority in relation to the laity, just as the parent is in a role of authority in relation to the child.”

Emily, from our earlier examples, would view her pastor not only as a minister, but as someone capable of correcting the distorted fatherly image that has been seared into her. She would want to learn about the true character of God, the Father, and then she would expect her pastor to emulate that unfailingly. As a representative man of integrity, the pastor, she might think, would be the only one she has ever known. She will look up to the pastor, believe he has all the right answers, and staunchly defend his honor to anyone who attempts to deface what she sees as an unblemished character.

Having both pastoral and parental roles only compounds the power, authority, and accountability the pastor has with this survivor.

Pastor to be feared

Whereas Emily wants to earn the pastor’s approval and provide opportunity to be proud of her, Samantha wants to keep the pastor on the periphery. Survivors like Samantha are fearful that their pastor will become “just like all the other men” who have misused them; yet at first they hold a blind, naïve trust that accepts the assumed safety of the pastor’s position. This safety cannot be questioned or challenged. To avoid such a risk, she will both purposely and inadvertently avoid the pastor. And when she can’t, she will be subtly uncomfortable in his presence.

Pastor under analysis

While pitying Emily’s desperation, and scoffing at Samantha’s fears, Chloe will take a more proactive approach to her interaction with the pastor. She will not wait for her pastor to fill some basic, unmet childhood need, nor will she hide in apprehension. Chloe, in contrast, is the hyper-vigilant survivor who is constantly evaluating and reevaluating the pastor’s intentions. Her keen observation skills will “take in as much evidence as possible,” as Dan Allender puts it. Each sermon, story, and fellowship opportunity will be used to gather information. This defensive strategy seeks to discover the hidden underlying motives behind the kindnesses offered her. Chloe wants to trust the pastor and look to him for guidance, but she has trouble believing that anyone—especially a man in a position of authority—would not hurt her in a selfish attempt to meet his own needs. Chloe is gracious; conversations with her are usually effortless, and she is probably praying daily for God to make her pastor “different” than all the rest.

So, are you different? Are you prepared to lead survivors like Emily, Samantha, and Chloe?

Hurting, waiting, and watching

Pastors with adequate and effective personal and professional boundaries will still find leading survivors of childhood sexual abuse challenging, but possible. If, however, the pastor’s boundaries are broken or as poorly constructed as the victim’s, the integrity of the relationship could be compromised.

A survivor’s physical, emotional, and spiritual selves have been grossly and repeatedly violated more times that we can count. These violations often skew a survivor’s ability to discern appropriate male/female interaction. Simply put, a survivor will look to the pastor establish, and then model, healthy, God-honoring boundaries. If the pastor fails to do so, some survivors, like Samantha, could just stop attending without warning or explanation. Others, like Emily and Chloe, might chose to respond to ambiguous boundaries in ways that could range from trying to “take control” over the pace and direction of your relationship to suggesting provocatively a more intimate connection.

Clergy cannot be expected to understand the intricacies of childhood sexual abuse along with the rest of their ministerial responsibilities. Still, people in all leadership positions can be expected to have a thorough understanding of their power, authority, and accountability, all of which are already characteristic of the leadership dynamic.

When you look out at your congregation next Sunday, be assured that Emily, Samantha, and Chloe are there.

Maggie L. Watson, MS.Ed., is the author of the forthcoming book, Dear Pastor, If You Only Knew! Adults Recovering From Childhood Sexual Abuse Speak to Clergy.

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