Mentoring that Matters

Mentoring may seem new, but actually it is one of the oldest and best methods of learning. In times before degrees were mandatory, the mentoring system was the accepted one, not only in manual skills but in the professions, such as medicine and law.

Ray Stedman, who pastored Peninsula Bible Church in California for many years, believed in and practiced the apprentice method. He always had a few young men on staff who would travel with him; together they would study, observe, and delineate the scriptural principles of life. These mentorees saw how the work was done and how to apply their learning in practical ways.

As we look at Scripture, we immediately think of Paul and Timothy. From the text I don’t know how much technical skill Paul gave him as a missionary, but we do know Paul was an excellent role model and sponsor. He let Timothy observe him at work. Paul promoted him to the churches.

The responsibility of the mentor is to be open, real, and personify consistently who he is so the young person receives a clear, consistent signal. The real responsibility is on the young person to absorb and to observe correctly.

Increasingly churches are starting mentoring programs. A common mistake is that older men visit with younger men without an agenda, eventually simply becoming Bible study or prayer times. These are excellent activities, but they are not mentoring.

Mentoring is a one-on-one relationship between a mentor and mentoree for the specific and definable development of a skill or an art. One of my favorite mentoring stories is the young pianist who came to Leonard Bernstein and asked to be mentored by him. Bernstein said, “Tell me what you want to do and I will tell you whether or not you’re doing it.”

When you analyze this, you realize Bernstein’s deep understanding of mentoring. The young man initiated the contact, he had a specific request, and he made the request of an authority—not that he might get rich as a concert pianist or famous like Bernstein, but that he might become a better pianist.

Bernstein essentially said to the young man, “You’re responsible for your playing and your practice. The one thing you can’t do is hear yourself as a great pianist hears you. That I can do and will do for you.”

The study of mentoring can be organized but not the application. Effective mentoring has no set formula. It’s a living relationship and progresses in fits and starts.

Making a good match It is not difficult to make a list of desired characteristics in a mentor. However, like characteristics of a leader, they are in combination and mix, not equally balanced qualities. Each of these ingredients, however, in some degree should be in a mentor:

Great teachers want to find great students. With my mentors I tried to be a good student. That entailed several things:

Admit your ignorance. I never tried to impress a mentor with my knowledge. I always exposed my ignorance. To hide ignorance from a teacher is as foolish as hiding your sickness from a doctor. The wise person is always more aware of his ignorance than his knowledge.

Dr. Walter Hearn, a biochemist at Yale University, surprised me once by saying, “Fred, every night when you go to bed you ought to be more ignorant than you were when you woke up.” I took this as facetious until he explained that if I considered my knowledge as a balloon and every day that balloon increased in size, it touched more and more ignorance on the periphery.

Therefore my knowledge brought me into contact with my greater ignorance. The arrogant are proud of their knowledge; the humble are acquainted with their ignorance.

Work to ask the right questions. Right questions come from thought, analysis, and discernment. Idle or careless questions are demeaning to the mentor. There’s power in a good question.

Recently a young professor told me how he asked a prominent man two questions following an award program, and the man disregarded all those trying to shake his hand and concentrated on answering only those two questions.

Do your homework. With my two mentors, I never called them unless I had written down what I wanted to talk to them about. Writing out your questions beforehand is helpful to minimize verbiage.

When we met I had organized my questions; I knew it was not a social situation. If we later wanted to spend some social time, that would be up to them, not to me. I never walked into their office and sat down until I was invited to sit down. They had to know I was not going to waste their time.

Never try to “use” your mentor. A person with a well-known mentor can be tempted to refer to him in ways that really use him, particularly in quoting him out of context. A mentor is for progress, not ego satisfaction.

A good student grows. Progress is the pay the student gives the mentor. Currently I spend at least 50 percent of my time mentoring talented individuals. I make no charge. But I get amply paid by the vicarious accomplishment of these individuals.

What’s a Protege to Do?

—Fred Smith

1. Mentor and mentoree must share a compatible philosophy. Our goals and methods are really an expression of our philosophy. If the goal is to be Christian, then the philosophy must be built on divine principles. To me, wisdom is the knowledge and application of scriptural principles, not the citing of verses or telling of stories, but the application of the principles.

For instance, one biblical principle is “God will not do for you what you can do for yourself, nor will he let you do for yourself what only he can do.”

It’s wrong to pray for a miracle when God has given us the mentality, opportunity, and facilities to accomplish what we should do. To ask for a miracle is to ask God to be redundant. But he will not let us do for ourselves what only he can do. For example, he will not let us gain our salvation by works; it is by his grace.

On the other hand, if the goal is based on humanistic values, then it will be cultural, not Christian. Human philosophy often exploits our greed and selfishness. Human philosophy promotes self-love and self-aggrandizement. Recently a young man came to me asking that I help him “make a million dollars.” That was his life’s goal. He has a materialistic, humanistic philosophy.

I told him that we did not agree on philosophy; therefore I would not be a good mentor for him.

2. The mentor should be knowledgeable in the subject and objective in his criticism. The mentor who says what the other wants to hear is irresponsible. He should not counsel in matters in which he is not expert or pass judgment in subjects beyond his limitation.

It is important the mentor on occasion say, “I don’t know. I’ve had no experience with that.” It is good when he has a broad network of knowledgeable friends who might be helpful on such an occasion.

Once a young, brash president of a growing corporation was being dangerously extravagant. Though I was on the board, he wasn’t accepting my authority on the subject. I got him an appointment with the ceo of a major corporation, who successfully warned him and possibly saved the company.

3. The mentor must genuinely believe in the potential of the mentoree. A mentor cannot do serious thinking about the needs of the learner or spend the necessary time without believing in that person’s potential. A mentor isn’t doing what he’s doing to be a nice guy. There may be times when the learner loses confidence in himself, particularly after a failure, and he will need the mentor to restore his confidence.

I had breakfast with a young executive in Dallas, and I asked him to tell me his story. He said, “Until early in my twenties I amounted to nothing. I think that was due to the fact I was raised in a family that believed it was wrong to say anything good about anyone that might stir up their pride. I felt there was nothing special about me until my Sunday school teacher put his arm around my shoulders and said, ‘I believe in you.’ “

Gradually this young man began to believe in himself. From that time, he started to climb the executive ladder.

4. A good mentor helps define the vision, the goal, and the plan. So many young people I talk to have several options for their life, and they are not equipped to choose the one. They hesitate at the thought of giving up the others.

Recently I had lunch with a young man who graduated from a prestigious European university with high marks and told me he had been “tested genius in thirteen areas.” Yet he had done nothing, though in his early thirties. I was talking to another man in the same general circumstances, and I said, “You could have married six or eight young women but you chose one. You will have to do the same with your goal.”

Choosing a specific goal is the key to doing many other activities. The goal defines the discipline, creates the energy, and gives the measure of progress.

Clarifying the goal is a crucial step. It controls so many other elements. I try to find whether the individual’s goal is formed by outside influences or internal. Is his accomplishment to please or impress others or to satisfy himself? The image of success has become so prevalent in our society, I want to know what gives him his deepest satisfaction. What, to him, has meaning? What does he do easily? What does he learn quickly and remember clearly? Is the goal realistic, considering his talent, opportunities, and facilities?

Sometimes a person will say, “I know where I want to go, but I don’t know how to get there.” I have found it much easier to work out the map once you know the destination. Be sure the plan is as simple as it can be. Elaborate plans seldom get carried out. Too often, complicated plans are a subconscious attempt to avoid doing.

Paul J. Meyer, creator of Sales Motivation Institute, spent the day with me when he was a young salesman going over the four-step program he had for his life. I was so impressed I asked him for a copy, and he gave me the original, written on a piece of yellow paper, which I still have. In our original conversation, he said that after you set the specific goal, you work the plan, then forget the goal, and develop enthusiasm for the plan, knowing if you work the plan you will reach the goal.

5. The chemistry must be good. The first evidence of this is clear communication. Each must clearly and easily understand the other. Before I start to work with someone, I will check this by talking a few minutes and then ask the person to repeat what I’ve said. Sometimes I’m amazed at what I hear. It’s difficult to work well together unless each communicates well with the other.

Intuition, a feeling of the spirit of each other, is also important. When our spirits are in harmony, then we can work until our communications are clear. We won’t jump to conclusions or get carried off into prejudices. I find this particularly true in working between races.

Communication, to me, is understanding, not agreement. I hear people say that the problem is a lack of communication when it may be genuine difference of opinion. No amount of communication will change that.

6. The mentor needs the experience and originality to develop options rather than decisions. Some individuals with whom I work initially become frustrated that I will not give them advice but, rather, options from which they can choose.

If I give advice, then I’m taking over their responsibility for their decision-making, and that is not my function. Furthermore, how a decision is carried out is as important as the decision, and the mentor can’t control the carrying out.

The mentor must never take over the decision-making responsibility for the individual. A good mentor is not a quick-fix artist.

7. The mentor must be able to commit to a person and to a situation. Once I was involved in a land development requiring large amounts of money from a New England bank. The loan officer was careful in exploring all the details. He explained, “Don’t think I’m being too careful. I don’t want to get you halfway across the river.” When we commit to be a mentor, we commit to taking the person all the way across. That will take time and thinking. I must be willing to take a phone call any time it comes from a mentoree in stress.

8. The mentor must be given permission to hold the mentoree accountable. The mentoree must give this responsibility to the mentor. This helps keep the mentoree from becoming resentful or quietly rebellious or hostile.

I tell one of my mentorees that accountability is like a tail on the kite —it keeps things from darting around. Accountability is not control. In mentoring it is pointing out objectively what is happening and asking if that is what the mentoree wants. At no time should the mentor take over control of the other’s life. The mentor is a counselor, not a boss.

Recently I stopped working with a young man because he had been dishonest about his financial situation. He admitted he was in debt but said that was his wife’s fault, which he couldn’t control. I couldn’t condone his rationalizing.

A lifelong joy My favorite title is “mentor.” Zig Ziglar flattered me, after years of publicly referring to me as his mentor, by dedicating his book Over the Top to me. I shouldn’t repeat it, but since I’m over the hill rather than over the top, here is what he wrote:

“To my friend and mentor Fred Smith, Sr., who is fun and inspiring. He is also the wisest and most effective teacher I’ve ever had.”

I hope you sense the seriousness and joy I feel in mentoring.

Signs of Fruitful Mentoring

To measure a mentoring relationship, look for these characteristics:

Trust and confidence. All the cards are on the table. Anything given in confidence should be held in confidence.

Unvarnished truth. We should come to the place in the relationship where we can be direct. My two great mentors never had to preface the truth or hedge their statements with me.

Climbs and plateaus. We progress by climbing, then plateauing for assimilation, then climbing again, plateauing again—repeating the process as long as we live. Don’t stop when you reach a comfortable plateau.

Character development.The mentor teaches, but the Spirit changes character. Although I’ve been mentoring actively for over 40 years, I cannot claim any success in improving character in adults. Character improves only through spiritual experience.

Mentoree initiation. The mentoree is responsible for all contact. He controls the continuation of the relationship. Sometimes a mentoring relationship becomes non-productive and should end. I accept this as normal.

Joy in the doing. A mentor has accomplished great good when he has taught the individual the joy of accomplishment. That has become so much a part of my life that when I get low, I immediately start to do something that I feel will be worthwhile. The joy of living returns.

—Fred Smith

Fred Smith is a business executive 7022 Orchid Lane Dallas, TX 75230