Preparing for a second marriage is not the same as preparing for a first. A second marriage comes with its own complications. For example, a widow may idealize the first spouse. Those divorced may feel like failures, or they may need financial counseling to repair fallout from their divorce.
Perhaps the greatest need for couples entering a second marriage is help in building a blended family. Differing parenting styles alone is enough to put a second marriage in peril. While churches usually offer separate marriage preparation and parenting classes, these are often linked concerns for people preparing for remarriage.
So churches providing pastoral care for people entering a second marriage can benefit from these basics.
Getting started
Be clear on theology. Consistently communicate your theological stance on divorce and remarriage. Couples need to know the circumstances under which the church will encourage them to remarry, and if there are situations when it won’t. A church can proclaim that God’s ideal for marriage is one man and one woman for life. But it should also be prepared to respond redemptively to divorce. As one pastor says, “We can be pro-hospital without being pro-illness.”
Formally endorse the leadership. Boards or other church leadership should clearly give their blessing to remarriage preparation so that ministry efforts are not undercut by perceived lack of church support.
Decide on an introduction strategy. Incorporate remarriage ministry efforts into the existing structure of the church, rather than inventing a new ministry. For example, if you are a church of small groups, you can start a remarriage preparation small group.
Find and train ministry leaders. Ideal people to lead remarriage ministry are often those already in successful second marriages. These couples can be mentors one-on-one, couple-to-couple, or in small groups.
Select curriculum. Successful Stepfamilies and In Step Ministries offer helpful resources. Consider bringing in guest speakers from your local area, such as attorneys, counselors, and financial planners, to address difficult topics for which expert advice is necessary. This also introduces the couples to resource people that may be helpful later.
Consider a kickoff event. Bring in speakers from remarriage and stepfamily ministries for a weekend seminar to officially launch the ministry and publicize it to the community at large. Have small groups in place to direct the momentum created by the event.
Maintaining the ministry
Know the intervention points. Remarriage preparation may consist of pre-marital counseling with pastors and counselors aware of the unique issues of remarriage. Involve the children in these sessions. If the couple needs therapy, be prepared to make a referral to a counselor trained in remarriage and stepfamily issues.
Specialized small groups work. Stepfamilies and couples can find a great source of support when they gather in their own small groups, rather than in groups with people in first marriages.
Help couples nurture the new marriage. Enrichment is very important to a second marriage, especially one involving a stepfamily. According to researcher E. Mavis Hetherington, the stress level of the first two years of remarriage is the same as that in the two years following a divorce. Classes, mentoring, and small groups can help couples anticipate and find constructive ways to address these difficulties before they arise.
Be patient. Remarriage ministries may start slowly because couples are shy about coming to groups or training. Don’t be discouraged. Ron Deal of Successful Stepfamilies counsels patience: “You prepare stepfamilies in a Crock Pot, not a blender, microwave, or pressure cooker. People will gravitate toward the support when they know they’re not going to be judged.”
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