A study sponsored by the U.S. Department of Justice discovered that the number of children who reported being bullied in the past year dropped from 22 percent in 2003 to 18 percent in 2008. Good news for the four percent of kids who escaped the trauma of bullying. Eighteen percent of kids remained less fortunate, though. That’s a large number of kids, so let’s go even deeper into this topic.
“Bullying happens whenever an individual is treated in a way that does not honor or respect his or her individuality and right to go about daily activities without fear of being treated meanly,” says psychologist Dr. Brad Schwall.
Nearly one in five kids faced days, weeks, or maybe a whole year of fear. Here’s the deeper thought to consider: Do any attend your church?
Go deeper still and resist the urge to consider only the victims. That question applies to those bullied or the actual bullies. Now hold your breath and honestly answer this question: Can this be happening in my ministry? Yes, it can.
“The same problems that happen in schools and on playgrounds can happen at church—exclusion, rude comments, and teasing in addition to physical forms of bullying,” says Dr. Schwall. “It is a misperception that a bully is an outsider who physically imposes his will on others. It is often the boys or girls who are liked and respected who misuse their place in the social order to attempt to create a greater gap in the social hierarchy.”
One child physically intimidating or injuring another is quickly noticed and immediately dealt with. Everyone keeps a zero tolerance policy for such behavior. Unfortunately, other forms of torment exist and aren’t always so quickly dealt with.
A recent post—titled “I think I’m being bullied at church?”—appeared on a popular Q&A website and reveals realities that many ministries may unwittingly pass by as they consider child safety. The girl’s descriptive writing in this post not only invites you into her world; it also gives you a glimpse of church-based bullying in action:
… Girl A and I are very good friends, and we hang out a lot during school. However, Girl B didn’t start coming to church a lot until recently. Girl A and Girl B are very good friends because they dance together. While Girl A is nice when Girl B isn’t there, when Girl B is around, they both exclude me, and tease me. I don’t know what to do because it’s all manipulative and nobody really notices it. It’s very hurtful teasing, though, and I don’t even want to go to church anymore …. Please help me, I don’t know what to do.
So let’s do something about this issue because plenty can be done.
As you develop and refine policies and procedures to make your ministry safer, highlight the need to address bullying by listing all its forms. Then train the whole team to look for signs and to remain sensitive to the need for eliminating all bullying.
After training your team in the need for quick and certain intervention, go deeper and address prevention. “The best strategy for preventing bullying is guiding children to be respectful and caring to all,” says Dr. Schwall. “Teaching respect for all is a process. The goal is to create a culture of respect in which those who show care and kindness are the ones affirmed and given attention. Parents need guidance, too.”
At the Cool Kids website you’ll find excellent, kid-friendly materials to steer your brainstorming on how to guide children, tools to help teach on this topic, and pathways to involve parents. You’ll also find information on how to treat those who do the bullying, too—which might surprise you. Clue: Jesus loves all the children.
This issue stands as a tragically underestimated threat to a child’s safety. So I’ll make a bold statement on behalf of 18 percent of the children in our country, as well as their families: A children’s ministry safety program that doesn’t address bullying fails to keep kids safe.
C’mon, Dave, you might say. Is this a big enough deal for all that? Yes. Bullying affects almost one in five children, and this means children in your own children’s ministry are impacted by bullying. And remember the girl’s statement: “I don’t even want to go to church anymore.” Don’t let this happen—or continue to happen—in your own ministry. Now is the time to address this issue.
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David Staal, senior editor of Today’s Children’s Ministry, serves as the president of Kids Hope USA, a national non-profit organization that partners local churches with elementary schools to provide mentors for at-risk students. Prior to this assignment, David led Promiseland, the children’s ministry at Willow Creek Community Church in Barrington, Illinois. David is the author of Words Kids Need to Hear (2008) and lives in Grand Haven, Michigan, with his wife Becky, son Scott, and daughter Erin. Interested in David speaking at your event? Click here
©2010, David Staal
