While discussing The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey with some Christian buddies, one man said, “I have some friends who say we shouldn’t read stuff by Mormons, or Muslims, or people of other faiths. What do you think?” I told him he should find some new friends.
Without question, we should use discretion regarding the images and ideas we allow into our mind, but God often reveals his wisdom in unexpected places. As someone once said: “Some books are like catfish: good eatin’ but you have to spit out the bones.” Such is the case with the writings of Dr. Albert Ellis.
Albert Ellis (1913-2007) was a psychologist, a devout atheist, and until late in life, openly hostile toward all things religious. His views on human sexuality were antithetical to the teachings of Scripture. For those reasons (and because he’s dead) he would not be on the short list of speakers at most pastors retreats, but he does offer some wisdom and sanity for weary Christian leaders.
Ellis is most widely known for his Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, so named because it is directed at irrationality. Ellis theorized that much of our inner turmoil is caused by our tendency to embrace irrational beliefs, which leads to stress, low self-worth, frustration, conflict, anger, avoidance, procrastination, diminished productivity, and difficulty in relating to others.
He identified three irrational core beliefs that cause the most trouble:
#1: “I absolutely MUST, at all times, perform outstandingly well and win the approval of significant others. If I fail in these important—and sacred—respects, that is awful and I am a bad, incompetent, unworthy person, who will probably always fail and deserves to suffer.”
#2: “Other people with whom I relate absolutely MUST, under practically all conditions, treat me nicely, considerately, and fairly. Otherwise, it is terrible and they are rotten, bad, unworthy people who will always treat me badly and should be severely punished for acting so abominably to me.”
#3: “The conditions under which I live absolutely MUST, at practically all times, be favorable, safe, hassle-free, and quickly and easily enjoyable. If they are not, it’s awful and horrible and I can’t ever enjoy myself at all. My life is hardly worth living.”
Each of these statements is clearly irrational. In our best moments, we would reject them as ludicrous, wondering, “How could anyone think this way?” but then:
After leading a successful weekend planning retreat, several leaders email you saying that you’re doing a great job, but one emails you a stinging critique. You ruminate on the critique to the exclusion of the positive emails.
Your frustration rises as the day you’ve allocated to sermon prep is interrupted by a succession of crises.
After an intense week of pastoral care including several nights away from family, a congregant approaches you after your message and says, “That was a great message, but you know, people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Feeling under-appreciated, you barely stifle a verbal tirade.
Those irrational beliefs are more common than we like to admit. They’re so ubiquitous we are tempted to believe that they are harmless or mere annoyances. But each of these beliefs, left unchecked, can have a debilitating impact upon your leadership.
Four Damaging Responses
These irrational beliefs share these characteristics: (1) they are unrealistic; (2) they result in no-win scenarios; (3) no-win scenarios lead to four bad options:
Try harder. Trying harder feels noble. Unfortunately, no amount of trying harder will achieve a win in a no-win scenario. My 11-year-old is 48 inches tall. When he gets home from school today, I could insist that he slam dunk the basketball if he ever hopes to play on his beloved Wii again. When he fails, I can shout “Try harder!” or “Don’t be a quitter!” No amount of trying, however, will enable him to win a no-win scenario. It will only bring brokenness, sorrow and discouragement.
Compromise: A sure way to “win friends and influence people” is to say what they want to hear. Unfortunately, godly leadership and faithful preaching of God’s word do not lend themselves to this goal. We dare not avoid difficult passages and hard decisions.
Escape: The usual avenues seem to be pornography, alcohol, and food, but the possibilities are limitless and the results are well documented and heartbreaking.
Quit: Mark Twain said, “Quitting smoking is easy. I’ve done it hundreds of times.” I’ve known pastors who have quit their church hundreds of times, but only in their mind. Feelings of continual failure, however, can cause the most resilient to finally follow through.
Fortunately, there are better responses to each of the three irrational beliefs.
A Better Response to #1
As a pastor, you wear many hats and have many “bosses.” On a given week you may be the preacher, consoler, building-contractor, janitor, personnel manager, counselor, project organizer, mediator, fund-raiser, vision-caster, and peacekeeper. No pastor can always “perform well” in even half of these areas.
But many pastors, me included, are self-identified people-pleasers. We know that it’s irrational to expect everyone’s approval, yet we still sometimes feel devastated by one unhappy congregant.
What are the consequences of this irrational belief? Your sense of worth becomes as unstable as the fickle opinions of others. You ride a roller coaster of ecstasy and pain. Your identity depends on the person who sings your praises today, or who calls for your resignation tomorrow.
This irrational belief is a prime example of how we “conform to the patterns of this world.” As Paul writes: “Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Rom. 12:2). Because of Jesus, we have been reconciled to God. By placing our trust in him, we are “in Christ.” Those who meditate upon their identity in Christ begin to internalize the good news that:
- we are adopted children of God who can cry out, “Abba!” (Rom. 8:15).
- we are completely loved by God (John 17:23).
- we are completely forgiven by God (1 John 1:9).
- we are declared righteous and are completely accepted by God (2 Cor. 5:21).
- there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1).
Place these truths on your mirror, dashboard, and keep them in your wallet. Meditate on these verses and invite the Holy Spirit to renew your mind. Identify those people whose approval you crave, and confess this to God, yourself, and a wise confidante. Ask the Lord to set you free.
A Better Response to #2
Anyone who has ever led a church knows that expecting everyone to treat you nicely is the whopper of irrational beliefs. Church is a place for broken, sinful, messed up people, yet we’re surprised when they behave like broken, sinful, messed up people. Pastors should know better, but we don’t.
“They claim to be Christians; how could they have treated me that way?”
“I visited them at the hospital and mowed their lawn, and they don’t appreciate me.” Here’s a news flash: sheep have teeth, they bite, and the hands that feed them are the most frequent target. Expecting messed up human beings to treat us nicely at all times is, well, messed up.
What are the consequences of harboring this irrational belief? It creates a toxic environment in which bitterness will flourish and the fruit of the Spirit will wither along with your leadership.
The better response is found in Philippians 2:1-10. Ask God to show you …
In what ways do you hunger to be first? To be noticed? To be recognized?
In what areas of your life have you traditionally enjoyed being served and how can you turn the tables? What would this look like at home? At church? In the community?
Are their hidden cauldrons of bitterness boiling in your life? Who do you need to forgive? Don’t stop with this year. Invite God to expose any and all bitterness from the past that may be poisoning your life.
A Better Response to #3
In 1785, Scottish poet Robert Burns penned “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough.” The poem describes a mouse snuggled cozily in her nest when a farmer inadvertently destroys it. Burns then gives us this familiar line:
“But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!”
Despite our best laid plans, family time, study time, or simple rest time is upended; volunteers fail to show up; landlords abruptly terminate leases; air conditioners stop conditioning; projectors and sound systems fail at the most inopportune moments; weekly set-up and tear-down gets old fast; sinners sin, saints are un-saintly, and complainers complain.
When our best laid plans go “askew,” frustration gives way to anger and the irrational desire to bludgeon the copying machine with a Louisville Slugger feels surprisingly rational.
Lamenting the fate of “the best laid plans,” Burns continues:
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!
Nothing but grief and pain? This is what therapists call “catastrophizing.” Ellis called it “awfulizing.” Chicken Little is, perhaps, the most well known literary catastrophizer, but it’s also described in this poem. Catastrophizing means losing perspective; our response is disproportionate to our crisis.
“Nobody appreciates me.”
“Nothing ever goes right around here.”
“This is the worst day of my life.”
It is precisely at these moments that an otherwise manageable problem or an offhand comment becomes the catalyst for a regrettable response from which there may be no turning back: quitting in the heat of the moment; firing off an angry email; verbally blasting a co-worker or attendee.
The satisfaction these reactions bring can be measured in milliseconds. Regret settles in before the vapor trail of the email has faded away.
We cannot eliminate hassle from our lives, but we can diminish its impact. Many of life’s stressors can be attributed to the lack of margin. With no margin, one delay, one extra crisis, or one walk-in appointment can be enough to tip us over the edge. Margin is one of the least expensive luxuries in life and costs no more than the time it takes to sit down in front of a calendar and mark certain days and times as off limits.
Much of our margin is squandered on activities which are morally neutral or even good, but are not necessary. As pastors, we will receive opportunities to speak, attend an activity, or start a new ministry. Those invitations flatter but they may not matter.
Be very clear on two things: (1) those responsibilities you have that matter most, and (2) those tasks that you are uniquely called to accomplish. This allows you to enjoy the two greatest margin-makers: saying no, and delegating.
Dale Galloway once said, “If God has called you to be a pastor, don’t stoop to be a king.” When these irrational beliefs take root in our minds, they create a sense of entitlement characteristic of a king. We begin to see those we’ve been called to serve as those who should be serving us. We’ve stooped to be a king—of frustration, hurt, anger, and bitterness.
The great news, however, is that we serve a King who rejoices to supplant our false beliefs with truths that set us free. He heals us from reigning in bitterness that we might once again serve in joy.
David Slagle is pastor of Veritas Church in Decatur, Georgia.
Copyright © 2011 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal.Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
