Is This All There Is?

Dear Church,

First of all: Thank you. Thank you for the gift of life.

Thank you for every Sunday School, Children's Church, Pioneer's Club, AWANA, Youth Group, Father-Son Banquet, Sunrise Service, Camp meeting, Men's Retreat, Missions Trip, Winter Retreat, and Summer Camp I ever went to. Thank you for that guy who prayed with me at Lost Lake, after the bonfire, when I prayed to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior somewhere around 1985. He was really nice, and that was a turning point in my life.

Thanks for great men like Randy, Bob, Matt, Steve, Stacey, and Allen, who spent time with me, talked with me about Jesus, made me laugh, and taught me about the Bible. I still think of some of them as big brothers and second fathers, and I wouldn't be who I am without them.

Speaking of fathers, thanks for my own Dad. He's not perfect, but he's about as good as they get. Thank you for teaching us about humility, and how to have good families and relationships and marriages. And for teaching us that discipline is important, and that forgiveness and grace is too. You know that time my Dad and I were at A&W, and my ice cream fell off the cone onto the ground, and he gave me his to eat while he cleaned up mine off the floor? That pretty much sums up his servant's heart.

Thanks also for great teachers like Mike, who taught us how the world worked in light of biblical truth. And who was adamant about taking God at his word, as if it were all true, spiritual gifts and healings and demons and all.

Thanks also for Matt, who let me serve with him when he started a church. He also kind of screwed me up, because he also took God at his word. He worshipped a lot, prayed all night, and tried hard to follow the Spirit in everything.

After that, you encircled us with lots of friends at a different fellowship. You let me lead not just Bible studies, but Deacons; you even let me preach a few times. I got to serve homeless youth, and fix the building, redesign the website and write doctrinal statements. It was great.

Burnout and Bible studies

But thankfully, God told me to stop at a certain point. After I did I discovered how burned out I was. It took me three years before I even wanted to speak up at a Bible study, let alone serve in any way. I was exhausted.

I was also wrestling with some deep doctrinal questions, questions that the Bible didn't seem to answer very clearly. I quit reading theology books, because they weren't often honest about this problem. Having heard people argue their positions on many issues for several years, I was pretty tired.

And then there was that time that God led me into that situation in which I lost a boatload of money. And that time where I fasted and prayed about the thing I thought God wanted to do, but he didn't do it. After that, I didn't know what to do any more. And I didn't know who to ask about it. Sermons didn't help.

Thank you, though, for singing. Thank you for making at least a few minutes each week in which I can actually concentrate on God, get my bearings, let go of the anxiety, and remember, and rest. Whew. Thanks. I wish there were more of that.

I wish there were more of a lot of things, but mostly, I wish there were more opportunities to encounter God. I also wish there were more people ahead of me on the path. After 40 years of sermons and studies, I don't really need any more knowledge right now. I can't even really hear the preaching anymore. What I need are spiritually deep mentors. Not just theologically deep, but spiritually deep. Not that they're mutually exclusive, but there seems to be a difference.

I need people who can show me the truth, not just tell me about it.

Reality and relationship

Recently, this all made more sense when I read this passage from R. Thomas Ashbrook's Mansions of the Heart:

I realized that if we took much of our discipleship teaching literally, we could well believe that the Christian life is simply about conversion, biblical knowledge, morals, witnessing to one's faith, and, for a few, work on a church committee. The implication is that once these basics are under control, life will fall into place and all will go well.

But what I saw with my colleagues and parishioners was that "reality" eventually hit. The spiritual journey is just not that simple; life often gets more difficult, not simpler, and is seldom under control. This shallow view of the Christian life is finally pretty boring, and our experience is often filled with all sorts of trial and pain. I saw that many people with this simplistic understanding eventually become disillusioned and leave their church. Others become critical of their pastors and church programs, because they are not "getting fed." A few search for a more meaningful relationship with Jesus. But what is that more meaningful relationship, and how do you and I find it?

That was a clear description of my experience with you, Church. It was also an accurate description of me: I was bored. I wanted more, but I didn't know where to go to find it.

A decade or two ago, my friends Mike and Matt helped me grow in taking God at his word, talking with him, using my spiritual gifts, expecting more out of God. They believe there has to be something more to Christianity than just Bible studies and church cleanup days. Somehow, I've found myself in a desert for the past few years, looking for another Matt or Mike who can help me through this muddle. They seem to be in really short supply. I don't understand why.

Yesterday I was at a Men's Breakfast, and we were discussing the theology of the Trinity. Much was said about who God revealed himself to be 4000 years ago, and 2000 years ago. But nothing was said about what God was doing today.

For me, that's the crux of the problem. I want to know what God is doing today. I need help knowing a living and active God. I don't need to know anything more about him right now. I've read my Bible so many times I can't even hear it any more. I've heard so many sermons, I can't hear them anymore either. I want to know that God isn't just "relevant" to the world today, but that he is active in it.

More than that, though, I want to be in love with him. I want to talk with him, not at him. I want something supernatural. I want life abundant.

I need leaders who actually deeply experience God, who deeply know him, not just about him, so that they can help me deeply know him too.

Can you help me with this? I hope so. Let me know what you think.

Thank you again,

Fritz

Fritz Liedtke is a professional photographer, artist, and writer. He lives in Portland, Oregon, with his wife, daughter, and their bright orange house.