When I was transitioning from the military to the private sector, I interviewed for several jobs. I was thrilled when I received three job offers, all of which promised a hopeful future. The problem: I didn't know what I wanted my future to be. One of the interviewers, who would become a dear friend and mentor, said, "Consider this opportunity as your transition job. You don't have to turn this job into a career, but you can work hard, learn a lot, build your resume, and use this time to determine what you really want to do."
It was great advice, which I followed. Two and a half years later, I resigned from that job and enrolled as a full-time seminary student. Over the course of several years, she helped me flesh out my personal, professional, and spiritual needs, and I will forever be grateful for that job opportunity and her mentorship.
Often we don't know what we truly need. An effective mentor can gently guide us through those times of uncertainties in life. But finding the right mentor can be a challenge. I found mentors simply by looking around and asking the right questions. Here are some strategies I've used to connect with mentors.
Be Specific
I watched a woman named Stefani shepherd others in prayer for a couple years. She and I had several conversations, and when I asked her to mentor me, she cautiously replied, "I don't know what I could teach you."
I was not looking for a second mom, or for her to invest a lot of time.
"Teach me how to pray," I responded. I was not looking for a second mom, or for her to invite me over for dinners, or to invest lots of time. Like the disciples asked of Jesus, I wanted her to offer direction on how to pray.
Over several months she taught me how to pray through the Scriptures. She taught me about the use of prayer in spiritual warfare. She taught me about prayer as a means of praise, and about the hard work of intercession. In those precious few months, God knit our spirits together. Now when she is going through a spiritual struggle, I intercede on her behalf and vice versa.
Approaching someone for mentoring is daunting, especially if that person is a stranger. But if you're specific about what you're hoping to gain from the relationship, you'll be amazed at how willing people are to help.
A few months ago I met Mae. I thought to myself, Wow! I could really learn a lot from her. Shortly after that I emailed her and asked if she would mentor me. I expressed pleasure in meeting her, thanked her for taking the time to speak with me, briefly explained my current situation, and then made the "ask," which was specific. I requested a one-hour phone conference once a month for the next year for a particular purpose, which I articulated in bullet points in my email. Within a few short days, she responded and said, "Yes!"
Think Creatively
Psychologist Robert J. Wicks has written that we need a variety of influencers in our lives. According to Wicks we need prophets, cheerleaders, harassers, spiritual guides, and spiritual companions. We all need different mentors for different areas of our lives. So seek out different people who might be able to help you spiritually, professionally, and relationally.
When we think about mentoring, we often think about a one-on-one relationship. But that doesn't have to be the case. Jesus mentored his disciples within the context of a small group or community, where they could also learn from their peers.
Here's another way to think about mentoring: mentors don't have to be present or even alive!
Jesus didn't merely dispense teaching and advice; he called his disciples to live in a community and to travel with him proclaiming the good news. Don't get locked into thinking mentoring has to be a weekly meeting with one person, talking about life over coffee. Your relationship with mentors may be very different from this model. Not every mentor will have the time to meet individually—or to set aside time exclusively for you. But that doesn't mean you can't find a creative arrangement that would allow you to learn from them.
And here's another way to think about mentoring—mentors don't have to be present or even alive! Books have given me the opportunity to be mentored by and learn from saints long gone from this world. I am mentored by the characters of the Bible, as well as by historical figures such as Martin Luther, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Henri Nouwen.
Give Back
When seeking a mentor, we often think only about what we need or what we can get out of the relationship. But mentoring relationships should be mutually beneficial. Both participants—the mentor and mentee—should look for ways to help each other. Each should give, learn, and receive from the other.
In mentoring relationships, either as a mentor or mentee, I often ask myself, "What can I add to this person's life?" It may be through prayer, by sharing my faith, giving encouragement, listening, showing compassion, providing guidance, or just giving good hugs. Whatever it is, I come with a heartfelt desire to pour into the lives of my mentors and not simply take from them.
If you have asked someone to be a mentor, it is likely that the person is competent, highly effective, and sought after by others. They are normally glad to give, but it goes a long way when you, as a mentee, sincerely ask questions about their well-being, or that of their family members and friends.
Need a mentor? Look around. Be specific. Be creative. And don't forget to give back. You—and your mentor—will be eternally grateful.
Natasha Robinson serves as co-director of the women's mentoring ministry at Cornerstone Baptist Church in Greensboro, North Carolina.
