My daughter, a senior in high school, competes in tennis tournaments throughout the entire year. The vast majority of all tennis matches rely on players to determine if shots land in or out, and thereby determine who wins the point. Technically, one player can call close shots "out" and the other player must accept the call—whether or not it's correct, even if the sketchy call happens on the match-winning point.
(Although that other player does have the option to tell her dad about it, who might then publish a column highlighting such egregious, unsportsmanlike, nearly cowardice acts.)
We live in a world filled with "technicalities," situations in which one person can do something, or do nothing, and remain within the scope of his or her privilege—even though someone else feels the impact.
Focus for a moment on the most recent season. To clarify, I'm referencing Christmas and not tennis season.
Even more specifically, I am talking about the giving/receiving aspect of Christmas. You know, that little part of Christmas represented by the packages that sat on the floor around the tree, the inside of stockings hung with care, and that envelope from grandma and grandpa that looks way better than a brightly wrapped box of t-shirts and socks. Before you start crafting a critical comment to this column, please know that I'm fully aware that Jesus is the "reason for the season." But gifts are part of the Christmas season, whether Christian publications and websites acknowledge that fact or not.
Instead, consider what happened, or didn't happen, as a result of those Christmas presents—especially with children. Technically, a youngster saying a quick "thank you" when he received a gift means he thanked the person who gave it to him. To say nothing would be another egregious act. But is minimal thanks that much better?
In general, most parents want their sons and daughters to possess attitudes of gratitude. Yet too many children lack basic skills in expressing true appreciation. This is a problem worth solving for kids and a valuable topic worth re-evaluating for everyone older. Extending the Christmas season for just a little while longer will offer a golden opportunity to score valuable points.
Consider this: Children adept at offering timely and authentic thanks demonstrate rich character and along the way exude an almost magnetic charm. It is not surprising that people prefer to engage with kids who freely recognize and appreciate efforts made on their behalf, especially when compared with children straitjacketed by self-entitlement. Picture your family: Which description applies to the children you see? I'm not judging. But you should. Without clear guidance, most children express minimal, if any, appreciation for people who serve them—those who provide for their basic needs, orchestrate fun experiences, help them learn, give them a gift, or even make lunch.
So guide them into a new habit that works for kids from six-years old to sixty.
Every birthday, Christmas, or any other time our children receive a gift, my wife encourages Scott and Erin to write thank-you notes. Full disclosure: Becky gives them a no-choice directive, because we both believe this is a skill that kids will fail to develop independent of strong guidance. Schools don't teach thankfulness; but then, schools aren't responsible for raising our children. Nor are the children's or youth ministries at church. Before this season is a distant memory, insist your kids do the same.
Why? If our kids can't express their appreciation, people will eventually believe that they aren't appreciative. Even if they technically did say a quick thank you.
Now consider your own thanking skills. Remember: a simple solution exists.
Becky knows that true appreciation, not technical, must result in action. She passionately insists that our children grow up to routinely express appreciation; they will treat it as if it's as normal as brushing teeth. If they can organize and express specific thoughts on paper, they'll more effectively articulate hearty thanks on the phone and in person. To jot a simple note on kid-friendly stationery within a 48-hour response window requires little investment by you or your child. But other people will feel great about whatever gift they gave or kind act they performed, and your child will develop valuable, life-long thanking skills.
Anything less should be called out.
One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus' feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?" Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well." (Luke 17:15-19)
*Portions of this column are modified excerpts from the book Lessons Kids Need to Learn (Zondervan, 2012) by David Staal.
David Staal, senior editor for Building Church Leaders and a mentor to a first grader, serves as the president of Kids Hope USA, a national non-profit organization that partners local churches with elementary schools to provide mentors for at-risk students. David is the author of Lessons Kids Need to Learn (Zondervan, 2012) and Words Kids Need to Hear (Zondervan, 2008). He lives in Grand Haven, MI, with his wife Becky, son Scott, and daughter Erin.
©2013, David Staal
