From Moralizing to Connection

Steven Luff leads sexual addiction recovery groups with the well known XXXchurch.com. He's also the co-author of Pure Eyes: a Man's Guide to Sexual Integrity and the creator of the X3Pure 30-Days to Purity online recovery program. His most recent initiative is the Faith and Sex Center in Los Angeles, CA. I emailed Steven to ask how local churches can engage the rising numbers of porn-addicted people in their communities. – Paul

In your experience, what do many pastors not understand about our growing porn culture?

In any given church there are a high percentage of individuals who are numbing their loneliness through porn instead of through community.

Porn is everywhere and it doesn't just affect the user. It affects the user's spouse. It affects the user's children. It affects the user's productivity. Pornography use ripples out from the individual in many different forms that is being felt deeply by society overall. In any given church there are a high percentage of individuals who are numbing their loneliness through porn instead of through community. What the church becomes is a gathering of silently shamed individuals playing the roles of Christians instead of a body of genuine believers working out life's challenges together. Porn is the opposite of vulnerability and that's why it is so appealing. The church needs to find a way to provide its congregations with safe places in which to be vulnerable. This includes licensed therapy or recovery groups like those offered through xxxchurch.com, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, or even Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon.

Stats on the number of pastors who use porn compulsively vary, but all are ridiculously high. What does this say about Christian leadership?

The tricky thing about religious leadership—above and beyond any other form of leadership—is that there is the expectation that religious leaders be the very embodiment of morality. A business or political leader can still be effective even if he or she has been morally imperfect and, as we know, many of them are. But with religious leaders, since their job is to be moral examples, they can never leave their job at the office. With this there is a lot of pressure for religious leaders to be perfect and that kind of pressure can lead to acting out sexually.

Well, the truth of the matter is that perfection is impossible, yet many Christian leaders fall into the trap of believing that it is. Big mistake. If we recognize that we are imperfect that requires that we not only preach and teach about imperfection, but we also set up the safeguards that protect us from our imperfections. These safeguards include accountability, supervision, transparency, and community. Most other professions require this, why not ministry? Quite frankly, openly accepting these safeguards is the example that we should be providing as religious leaders, not unattainable perfection.

A recent PARSE piece critiques traditional abstinence education. Do you agree that evangelicals are off to a bad start in talking about sex?

On some levels, yes. In a perfect world we could teach abstinence to unmarried men and women and they would understand its value—protection from STDs, protection from pregnancies, protection from broken hearts and emotional scars. But, as we all know, this has never completely worked. The tricky line we all walk as Christians, and certainly as Christian leaders, is between judgment and grace. It's the same line God walks with us. We need to have standards that challenge youth but grace to account for their learning process and imperfections. Abstinence is a worthy goal, but it cannot become the only destination or else we are only as good as our sexual behavior, and we should all know as Christians that that simply is not the case.

OK. What's the healthiest church response to an ugly porn problem that you've seen?

I've lead church-based sexual addiction recovery groups for the past seven years and continue now through faithandsexcenter.com. I've known men who have had sex with multiple male partners weekly for years on end. I've also known men who have lost their wives, jobs, and even civil freedoms because of porn use.

The healthiest responses to these problems from churches have always been maintaining a consistent, on-going sexual addiction support group in which any sexual problem, any sexual challenge is welcome to be discussed, no questions asked, no judgments made. Look, if a man or woman has come to a support group for their sexual behavior they know their sexual behavior is not healthy for them. They want to work through their issues. Giving them a safe place to start their road to recovery, with referrals to professional help, is invaluable.

Any tips for addressing cultural issues of sexuality or pornography without coming across as some frigid puritanical stereotype?

Humans are wired for connection. That is the starting point in addressing issues of sexuality and pornography. Not morality

Humans are wired for connection. That is the starting point in addressing issues of sexuality and pornography. Not morality. Those men and women who feel as if there is something inherently wrong with them (that would prevent them from connection) are going to find ways to trick themselves into thinking they are connecting when this basic human need rises up. This is where sexual compulsivity and pornography use come into play. So, when sexuality or pornography comes up, if the topic shifts from moralizing to connection, so much more can be accomplished from a ministerial perspective.

Your upcoming webinar promises that viewers can "overcome pornography." How do you deliver on that? Is it replicable for local churches?

The five points we hit on are:

1. Stop using pornography,

2. Join a support group,

3. Seek therapy,

4. Start living an honest life/telling the truth about everything, and

5. Stop living someone else's idea of your life and start pursuing what you really care about.

Ultimately, I can't deliver on these points, only the individual seeking change can. However, local churches can play their part by:

1. Teaching on the dangers of pornography use,

2. Providing support groups like the ones I mention above,

3. Having ample references to quality licensed therapists within their communities,

4. Modeling and promoting the importance of truth, honesty, and vulnerability within safe environments, and

5. Providing opportunities for church members to explore their deepest interests whether by contributing to the church through their talents, forming community groups of like-minded individuals, or offering assistance or support for members seeking higher education or career change.

Is porn/porn use a disease or the symptom of a disease?

Both porn and porn use are symptoms of deeper social and personal maladies. Porn itself is a symptom of greed. The vast majority of porn producers don't create porn because they like it. They produce it because it makes them money. This is the same for performers. If porn didn't make them money they would do something else for a living. Porn use on the other hand is a symptom of loneliness, often deep existential loneliness—do I matter and am I loved? And this is why the problem of porn is exactly where churches need to be going with their ministries. If porn and porn use are markers for greed, suffering, and existential angst where else should the church be spending its time and resources?

Paul Pastor is associate editor of Leadership Journal.