The Self-Aware Leader

Author and psychiatrist Scott Peck wrote that one of the ways you can divide the world up is to put everyone in one of two categories: either a “neurotic” or a “personality disorder.”

This is the mental health version of the doctrine of total depravity.

Neurotics are prone to think everything is their fault, even when it’s not. “Everything” includes dull meetings, failing churches, and the conflict in the Middle East. They may suffer from anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive issues. They generally have an acute need to please other people.

Personality disorders are prone to think nothing is their fault, even when it is. “Nothing” includes angry outbursts, messed-up relationships, and showing up late. Their lives would be okay (they think) if everyone around them just straightened up. They generally have an acute need for other people to please them.

Churches, and church staffs, are no more free of this dynamic than any other organizations. People who try to serve God are as human as anybody else. It’s in the Bible.

Elijah, who ran away from Jezebel and was certain his life was a failure and was pretty sure he didn’t want to live, was a neurotic. Non-biblical neurotics include Felix Unger, Vincent van Gogh, Meryl Streep, and (he wrote with remarkable openness about his depressive episodes) Charles Spurgeon.

On the other hand, Samson, who was a walking collection of impulse control issues and way into his hair and once pretty much destroyed all the groomsmen at his bachelor party, was a personality disorder. Non-biblical characters on the personality disorder category include Bart Simpson, Diamond Jim Brady, and a disproportionate number of the governors of both Illinois and California.

Some jobs appeal disproportionately to one sort of person or the other. The helping professions tend to draw people who are acutely sensitive to others, and the downside of this gift is an overactive need to please them. Jobs with a high element of wielding authority or taking risk (law enforcement, trapeze artist, wedding coordinator) lean the other way.

The prognosis for change is more likely for a neurotic than a personality disorder. This is because neurotics carry their pain with them. Anxiety or depression brings with it an intrinsic desire to do something to get rid of it. Personality disorders, on the other hand, view the problem as “out there.” They need pain from the outside to motivate change.

Most pastors tend to be neurotic. This isn’t a problem, as long as their church doesn’t actually have any real live people in it.

The challenge gets greater when it comes to managing other people. Many of us went through seminary but never actually had a class on how to supervise someone well; how to develop their gifts or give them deeply honest (sometimes painful) feedback that they will not like. Every supervisory relationship will involve one of four combinations:

A neurotic managing another neurotic. In this case, both people will tend to avoid painful conversations. If they are self-aware, they can overcome this, but it will require willingness to endure discomfort.
A personality disorder managing a personality disorder. They will go to the painful place regularly; maybe even recreationally. They will each be convinced that whatever problems they’re having are due to the other person. But they will understand each other.
A personality disorder managing a neurotic. This will be fun for the personality disorder, who doesn’t mind having the neurotic not like them. Edwin Freeman, who was a pulpit rabbi and a White House aide and a leadership guru, wrote a fascinating book called A Failure of Nerve; he argued that the primary problem of leadership (including religious leadership) in our day is not a failure of knowledge; it’s failure of the courage to decide and stand up to the sabotage that inevitably confronts a leader.
A neurotic managing a personality disorder. This is trouble. People on the personality disorder side of life often need pain from the outside to warn them when they’re off track. They need a boss who is comfortable letting them experience significant discomfort. If they have a boss who is unable to do that, it’s trouble for both of them. The boss will pull back, bite his tongue, withhold the truth, simmer silently where he or she most needs to speak up with directness and urgency. On the other hand, the employee will assume that he’s fine and that if there’s a problem it’s with somebody else. Even if the neurotic supervisor tries to confront, her or his anxiety will kick in so quickly in the face of superior resistance that the boss will become vague and ineffectual.

So how does the wise church/ministry/organization deal with this?

Be slow to hire. Most churches are far too quick hiring folks, and then let people dangle far too long when it’s not going well. Screening for temperament and emotional health and management skills is one of the greatest gifts that a church staff can receive.
Practice and preach self-awareness. There is a world of difference between being self-aware and self-preoccupied. Which category are you in? Your boss/elders? Your direct reports? Leaders with a strong openness to learning about themselves—what they are feeling and how they are being received by others—have a major head start in developing others and building teams.
Ask around. The irony is that everyone in proximity will know about these dynamics. Dealing with them doesn’t mostly require sophisticated diagnostic skills.

Just courage.

John Ortberg is editor at large of Leadership Journal and pastor of Menlo Park Presbyterian Church in California.