Lisa Anderson is director of young adults for Focus on the Family. She manages Boundless, Focus' ministry for young adults, with the goal of helping 20- and 30-somethings grow up, own their faith, date with purpose, and prepare for marriage and family.
Today we talk with Lisa about singleness, sex, and maturity.
1) Boundless just celebrated its 15th anniversary. What has your team learned about the single life and the church in these fifteen years?
Young adults are getting married later and later. No longer do you transfer from the church's college group to its young marrieds' group with the ease we saw in previous generations. As a result, much of the church has forgotten single adults or put itself in a place where it doesn't quite know what to do with us. Churches are programmed for families, and singles are squirreled away into specialized small groups or left with no community whatsoever. But the fact is singles have much to contribute and much to glean from involvement in a thriving church body. Churches need to recognize their responsibility in training up the next generation of families and leaders. Mentorship and discipleship must become the norm. Single adults must be integrated into the life of the church (and its families) for their own good and that of the church body.
2) Some pastors and church leaders face a tension between encouraging marriage and yet not diminishing the gift–and even calling–of singleness. How would you advise them?
Pastors need to invite singles into the life and leadership of the church, treating them not as "kids" but as functioning adults with vital spiritual, emotional, and physical assets for the congregation.
There's a delicate balance between encouraging single young adults in their current life stage and experience while still elevating marriage and acknowledging that marriage is in most people's future. Over 90 percent of single young adults want to get married, but pastors understandably don't want to make singles feel like second-class citizens, so instead they say very little about marriage to singles. An awkward silence ensues, leaving singles feeling unheard and misunderstood. Pastors need to invite singles into the life and leadership of the church, treating them not as "kids" but as functioning adults with vital spiritual, emotional, and physical assets for the congregation. They then would do well to hear singles out. For women, this means hearing their hearts' cry for marriage; for men, it may mean challenging them to consider marriage sooner rather than later. Either way, real relationships, accountability and a significant amount of grace is needed to open the conversation and remind everyone involved that singleness is a gift for a few, but a season for most. Let's move people with biblical intention in the direction they need to go.
3) Attitudes toward sexuality are changing, even among evangelicals. How do leaders respond?
My take is that God's pretty clear about his vision for sex, gender, and family. The world is making the mistake of trying to shift his mandates to fit our cultural norms. As we marry later and later, we think it's thus "impossible" to save sex for marriage. We think we need to "test-drive" future spouses sexually. We think "compatibility" is the be-all, end-all in a relationship. Pastors need to unabashedly teach Scripture in a way that elevates God's view of sex and show why marriage is the natural, biblical solution for most people in this regard. For those who are finding it harder and harder to wait, two things: 1) We need to consider marrying sooner. Most aren't designed to protract singleness into our 30s and beyond. But 2) The bigger issue is our lack of faith in a big God. Still single at 30? You need to trust that's God's story for you is bigger than sex in your 20s. Do we really believe that God has good things for us? Then let's start living like he does. If you go to your grave not having had sex, it's not the end of the world. It's certainly less traumatic than dealing with the consequences of deliberately sinning against a holy God. Our sex series does a lot to unpack where we are culturally in light of God's truth, and it's full of real-world practical application.
4) You're hosting your first-ever Boundless conference. What do you hope to achieve during this weekend?
Pursuit 2014, our first-ever Boundless conference, is unique. Scheduled for August 7-9 of this year, it will be part meet-up, part conference, and part retreat, with a healthy dose of challenge thrown in. We're trying to take 900 single young adults and make them feel like they're at an intimate gathering with friends, because that's what the Boundless online community is like—we're just taking it into real time and real space. We want single young adults between the ages of 18-39 to come away from that weekend knowing that God cares about them, and he's crafting a story for them that involves what they've been delivered from in their past, what they're living right now, and what their future holds. They'll be challenged to get unstuck, trust God with their whole selves, and live out a vision for marriage and family that is biblical and intentional. The decisions they're making now will affect where they land in the future, especially when it comes to their future family. Are they preparing for marriage and family in a way that will craft their own marriage story to be one worth repeating for generations to come? We hope so. And—bonus—where else can you go to meet hundreds of other motivated, marriage-minded Christian single young adults all in one place? Exactly.
5) If you could give one piece of advice to a single Christian man or woman, what would that be?
Begin training yourself toward maturity in everything you do. Take on responsibility and leadership, deal with your past, forgive others, study God's Word, get a mentor who won't let you get away with nonsense but will also love you unconditionally. Finally, realize that the pursuit of marriage is just that—pursuit. It doesn't just "happen," and it certainly doesn't just "happen" well. If you're called to marriage and family, get busy preparing and pursuing, especially you men who are in a position to pursue godly women.
Daniel Darling is vice-president of communications for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission. He is the author of several books, including his latest, Activist Faith.
