Juli Slattery is the president and co-founder of Authentic Intimacy. Juli's books include Finding the Hero In Your Husband, No More Headaches, and Beyond the Masquerade. She is also a regular contributor to Today’s Christian Woman.
Today we talk with Juli about discernment, teaching on sexuality, and acknowledging sexual brokenness.
1) Lots of women (including many Christian women) read Fifty Shades of Gray. Why does this alarm you?
This alarms me primarily because the lack of discernment it reveals. Women are hungry. They have longings for love, sexual fulfillment, excitement, and romance. I get that. I understand why women are drawn to novels like Fifty Shades. However, we should know better. As Christians, we should discern that the world's answers will not satisfy. Most importantly, we should know that God calls us to be set apart for his holiness in all areas.
God calls us to be set apart for his holiness in all areas.
You may not know what's in Fifty Shades. Not only is it very pornographic, it also features a relationship that revolves around Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism (BDSM). The main character, Christian Grey is his name, has a "red room of pain" where he has instruments of sexual bondage, including a wooden cross. Standards of right and wrong are blended together as "grey areas" all throughout, including molestation. Instead of outrage and grief, Christian women are recommending the books to each other as a way to "spice up the bedroom." That's alarming!
2) The message of your response seems to be, not that the church is against sex, but that Christ calls us to a different, more flourishing sexual ethic. Is that true?
One reason that Christian women are reading Fifty Shades is that the church has traditionally done a poor job of validating and teaching on sexuality. This is particularly true regarding women. Rarely are issues like sexual abuse, what's OK in the bedroom, or even the idea that God blesses sexuality discussed in Christian settings. The average Christian woman has heard two themes repetitively—1) Sex before marriage is wrong and 2) Sex in marriage is only about pleasing your husband.
Christian women are very confused about sexuality. They have questions. The silence of the church leads them to conclude that God doesn't have answers for their questions, so they turn to worldly sources. We need to change that! The Bible talks a lot about sexuality. Why are we so silent?
3) You say that "Christian women" don't have to choose between "being spiritual and being sexual." Why is this a false dichotomy?
The message traditionally passed down to Christian women is that godliness means sexual restraint. Certainly this is the case for single women. However, restraint is not a godly quality of a Christian husband or wife within marriage.
The bride in the Song of Solomon is perhaps the most verbal woman in the Bible. She doesn't wait around for her husband. She is proactive in their sexual love. Christian women are constantly told to be like the Proverbs 31 woman. Why are they not encouraged to learn from another "role model" in Scripture? If the average husband (or even pastor) had to choose between having a Proverbs 31 wife or a Song of Solomon wife, guess what he would choose!
4) Our churches are filled with sexually broken people. How should church leaders lovingly handle those who come in its doors?
Jesus often shared the "living water" with women in pain—particularly sexual pain. Instead of ignoring the brokenness, He authentically addressed it.
A big step is simply acknowledging sexual brokenness. You could attend the average church for a year and never hear any mention of sexual trauma, porn addictions, cohabitation, gender confusion, or betrayal. Each of these is represented in the pews of every church in America—without exception.
Jesus often shared the "living water" with women in pain—particularly sexual pain. Instead of ignoring the brokenness, He authentically addressed it. John Piper wrote, "The quickest way to the heart is through a wound." Equip women in your church to minister to women on sexuality. There is perhaps no other topic that is more representative of both pain and redemption. That is why our ministry, Authentic Intimacy, exists.
5) How would you counsel pastors and church leaders to address, from the pulpit, a more biblical and flourishing sexual ethic?
The Christian bedroom should be a place of wonder, pleasure, and excitement.
We need to begin by accepting that sexuality represents a fierce spiritual battlefield. It is not simply a societal or moral issue. Sexuality and the covenant of marriage are extremely powerful metaphors of God's covenant love. Satan is aggressively attacking it and he is winning. Why? Because we are not fighting with spiritual weapons and because we are only on "defense."
Yes, we need to talk about what not to do (play defense), but you never achieve victory by only playing defense. Christian couples need to be encouraged to "play offense" in their sexuality. The Christian bedroom should be a place of wonder, pleasure, and excitement. When we speak God's truth, by the power of God's Spirit, Satan loses. We cannot afford to be silent in this battle. It's time to equip Christians to reclaim this ground.
Daniel Darling is vice-president of communications for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission. He is the author of several books, including his latest, Activist Faith.
