Ministry, a Family Matter

Life is all about perspective. Viewing life through the lens of a child is different than the lens of an adult. Even when experiences belong to the same person, perspectives can easily change. Over the course of my life, I have found my perspective shifting in the various ministry roles God has given me. From pastor's kid, to pastor's spouse, to the mother of a pastoring family, each life stage has brought a new angle to see ministry from. But it hasn't always been easy.

Perspective 1: Ministry kid

I often joke that I was born on a pew. I can't remember much of my life without church or ministry. My dad was in pastoral ministry before I was born, and when I came into this world, I came as a "preacher's kid." For me, it was an honor of sorts. I was Brother Monty's daughter. From a child's perspective, you had to appreciate me and put up with me, or so I thought. Not always the easiest to teach, I met my match with a few youth ministers.

People's expectations—myself and others—had clouded my view of God's expectations. Under those twisted expectations of what I should do or be, I felt like I was drowning.

But truly, I loved being a pastor's kid. I loved that people had high expectations of me, and enjoyed trying to meet those expectations. I enjoyed center stage and proving to people that I was different than other "PKs" they'd known.

My family served together. I worked with the bus ministry, the children's department, my youth group, nursing home ministry, and even played the organ. Once, I went to the hospital with a family because both of my parents were tied up serving other people from the church.

But while I loved those high expectations, I also fell short of them frequently. I was terrible at daily Bible reading. I had a feisty temper, and struggled with self-acceptance. Every time I disappointed someone, I didn't understand how God could love anyone like me. I had doubts about my early childhood salvation and frequently felt inadequate.

People's expectations—myself and others—had clouded my view of God's expectations. Under those twisted expectations of what I should do or be, I felt like I was drowning. Some days, I felt great and strong. Other days, I just wanted to hide under a blanket. One thing was for certain though; I knew God had called me to ministry and as a pastor's spouse.

But I wasn't sure if I could ever measure up.

Perspective 2: Ministry machine

In March of 1993, I was walking with a guy that I really liked. He jokingly said, "You will probably marry a doctor or someone rich like that." I took that opportunity to shyly admit that I felt that God had called me to marry a pastor. In a few moments, he told me that he had been called to ministry. I think we both knew then that we had found our mate.

This was the first time in my entire life that someone recognized a minister's family needs to be a family … without constant ministry.

In 1997, my husband became the pastor of a small church in a resort community. We had a brand new baby, he was starting seminary, and I was a teacher. I was sure then that things would be a breeze. After all, my life was all about ministry!

It didn't take long for that rosy illusion to fade. Soon, I became the pianist, Sunday school director, sound person, nursery person, VBS director … and the go-to person for anything else that needed to be done. I was overwhelmed. It was the expectations that were the real burden—I felt like I was the church's scapegoat, allowing the congregation to not have any responsibilities. I became bitter. The laziness of the people made me angry! I now understand that I enabled this to happen. But I was not healthy enough to see it at the time.

In 2001, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Finally, I was getting help for something that had weighed me down for many years. Within two days, the medicine took hold and I felt like a new person! In January of 2002, my family started a new ministry venture in a nearby town. It became a place of respite and refreshment for me. I found that I could serve in any capacity and nobody expected more than that. In fact, at times, I was encouraged to limit my service. This was the first time in my entire life that someone recognized a minister's family needs to be a family … without constant ministry.

By 2007, we'd moved to our current church. We had a two year-old son and a 10 year-old daughter. This church had many areas of service available, but now that I was older, stronger, and definitely wiser, I felt free to choose what I wanted to do.

Perspective 3: Ministry mother

My daughter and son serve side by side with us in our ministry. Today, our daughter is almost 17 and our son is nearing 10. Being a mom of pastor's kids brings very different perspective from either my childhood, or time as a ministry spouse without children.

For pastors with a family, ministry doesn't belong to just one person. For us at least, it belongs to our entire family.

I watch Grace struggle against a culture of people who—at least she feels—expect her to be perfect. Friends at school make fun of her, saying that she should never make a mistake because she is a PK. Candidly, I want to punch them! I'm joking of course, but I don't want Grace to head down the same road of twisted expectations and bitterness that I did. We encourage our kids to serve in church, but make sure that they do not feel pressured. I watch for signs of anxiety or depression in them. My husband and I include them in our ministry, but we also do not push them.

From all three perspectives, I realize that for pastors with a family, ministry doesn't belong to just one person. For us at least, it belongs to our entire family. It allows me to serve God in a way that pleases him. It gives our children a chance to cultivate their spiritual gifts.

The demands and realities of ministry might reveal some things we are uncomfortable with—like flawed expectations, or my anxiety and depression. But it also gives us the chance to minister to those walking through similar issues.

Ministry is not easy. It has knocked me down—knocked us down a few times. But we are growing into strength.

Lisa Scott is a pastor's wife, pastor's daughter, pastor's granddaughter, pastor's sister-in-law, pastor's cousin, and pastor's niece. She is a full-time school teacher and loves music, writing, and technology.