Conversations on bullying and its effects on the psychological health of our children have intensified in recent years. State legislatures have mandated procedures for investigating suspected acts of harassment or intimidation. Teachers now receive training on how to recognize bullying in schools.
Missing from these discussions, though, are the spiritual dynamics that belay the bullying experience. If Christian parents are to better serve as advocates for their children, they may consider bullying as both a psychological event and a form of spiritual warfare.
As secular institutions, public schools have policies to address bullying behaviors. These have emerged from a heightened awareness of the psychological damage caused by extreme bullying. Concerned parents should take advantage of available resources by partnering with school officials and working together to develop strategies for the physical and emotional safety of the targeted child. Apt guidance counselors can also help by supporting the child's self-esteem and connecting her with affirming peers.
As Christians, our faith provides a deeper perspective on the dynamics that undergird bullying; this perspective sees human behaviors as expressions of the mind, body and spirit. While most approaches to bullying focus on altering behaviors or personal choices, we see a third option involving the human soul. Lasting solutions to bullying are spiritually based; they require the offender to earnestly acknowledge wrongdoing, to feel remorse, and to alter former patterns of thinking and doing. They require repentance.
In Koine Greek, the language of the New Testament, the word for repentance, metanoiō, means "to change the way you think." This understanding places inextricable ties among what we think, how we behave, and who we are becoming. This is why bullying is so pernicious. At its fullest expression, it represents one person's resolve to harm another by inducing emotional chaos and a persistent threat of harm.
Because of this, solutions to bullying must be ethically based as to set positive examples of what constitutes "being good." They must also carry weight by establishing behavioral boundaries and consequences to communicate that good is also powerful. At a time when belligerence is culturally glorified, it is not unusual for kindness to be interpreted as weakness and politeness as a lack of strength. Children who bully must see and be taught that there is gratification in giving and receiving empathy. In short, the value of good must be perceived and personally desired if any substantive change is to take place.
During experiences of bullying, targeted children are confronted with a variety of conflicting emotions. They often feel shame along with spiritual pressure to accept false conclusions about themselves and God. If the child is targeted for a physical feature, for example, she may grow up convinced that she is ugly and not worthy of being loved. Such lies, when accepted as truths, are toxic and can undermine healthy self-esteem and future relationships.
Christian parents can challenge the implications of bullying by supporting their child's perception of God. In Hebrew, the word "satan" means accuser, and in a spiritual attack, accusations are disguised as truthful explanations as to why the bullying took place. "God doesn't really care about you." "God isn't really all that powerful." These are common assaults that, if accepted, lead to future justifications for not trusting God.
It is not uncommon for these accusations to emerge after the bullying has ceased. Hence, the battle for a child's well-being does not end when the bully leaves; it simply takes a different form if accusations against God's character remain unaddressed. Once bullying incidents occur, parents should be faithful in prayer and in helping their child constructively address any remaining questions.
In monitoring the child's spiritual health, Christian parents should be aware of the common theological questions that children may ask or be too ashamed to ask: "Why is this happening to me? If God loves me, then why doesn't he help me?" These deep theological questions have plagued humankind since its expulsion from Eden and are embodied in the book of Job. It is difficult to explain the power of covenantal promises to a person, young or old, who is hurting. The targeted child may also struggle with basic questions over whether God can be trusted.
Changes in behaviors may reflect this loss of innocence. For example, a child who once loved going to church may no longer wish to do so. An outgoing child may become withdrawn. A child who once loved saying "grace" may no longer volunteer. These changes should prompt Christian parents to talk with their child about her feelings and beliefs.
When parents discover a negative shift in their child's perception of God, they should assume a position of support and comfort. The book of Ruth provides an example. Parents are encouraged to press beyond their own feelings of anger to be the strong, comforting intercessor that Ruth was to Naomi. Resist the temptation to push your child to be "more spiritual" than what she can actually be. Telling a child to "just have faith" may be received as, "You deserve to be bullied because you have no faith." Instead, parents should encourage discussion, being careful to respect the child's feelings and even doubts about God.
It is natural for parents to be heartbroken when bullying affects their child. As Christian parents, however, we have another, more powerful resource, as established by our relationship with God. This relationship asks only for a persistent faith in guarding against the accusations that God cannot be trusted or is not really good. It asks us to help our children understand that just as we will not leave them, neither will God.
As we model spiritual maturity, we can teach our children to see God in each situation and provide assurance that their experiences are meaningful even if they are not fully understood in that moment. Such an approach will help targeted children to express feeling, receive psychological support, and, most importantly, keep alive the core understanding that God is ever present and is mighty to save even when we don't fully understand our battles.
Robin Harden Daniels is a former teacher and principal. She presently serves as a school administrator where she develops bullying prevention education in a K-12 district with over 10,000 students. Daniels holds a Bachelor of Arts degree from Hamilton College and a Master of Divinity degree from Harvard University. She also has a Master of Science degree in educational administration from the University of Scranton and a Doctorate in Educational Leadership from Rowan University. Daniels is a committed Christian, a wife of 30 years, and the mother of three adult daughters.
