On January 6, 2013, Steven Roger Johnson of St. Paul, Minnesota, shot his wife Manya at close range in their home. To conceal the evidence, he dismembered her body and placed the pieces in several plastic bags and bins, which he stored in the garage of a former prison mate.
It was an unthinkable crime.
Acts of interpersonal violence make the news nearly every day. And the issue has gotten even more attention recently because of violence perpetrated by prominent athletes, prompting a series of televised “No More” commercials featuring NFL players and celebrities. But most abuse—like Manya’s murder—takes place in the privacy of people’s homes, far away from a reporter’s notebook or a public service announcement.
Domestic violence happens to people in our neighborhoods and churches and yes, even to people we may know.
Domestic violence happens to people in our neighborhoods and churches and yes, even to people we may know. It cuts across economic, cultural, racial, and religious lines, disproportionately affecting women.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the U.S. During one year, this equals more than 10 million women and men. Domestic violence hotlines receive 20,000 calls on a typical day. While the Department of Justice reports that incidents of intimate partner violence have fallen 60 percent in the past 20 years, “numbers are unreliable because many incidents go unreported,” says Bethel associate professor of psychology, Peter Jankowski.
Why doesn’t she leave?
So why not simply leave the relationship? Because of the effects of repeated trauma, a victim “begins to doubt herself,” Jankowski says, “and often feels she’s unable to effect change or make a difference, which is often complicated by a belief that she can control the perpetrator’s behavior or that she is somehow responsible for what happens.”
A woman may fear retribution or further violence and victimization. She may lack resources of her own or not have a safe place to go, or want to stay with the perpetrator because of her kids. For many women, their whole identity is tied to the relationship. And many times, leaving or threatening to leave puts a woman at increased risk. Manya Johnson was one of those women. On the night of her death, she told her husband she was leaving him and taking their son.
A safe haven
Though many would expect the Christian community to be the safest place for abuse victims, it has often failed to respond in appropriate ways. Some churches may not have the resources to respond well, or may unwittingly make the situation worse by misusing Scripture or misunderstanding the severity of the problem. By acknowledging intimate partner violence and learning more about it, Christ-followers can learn how to offer a safe haven of support, help, and hope.
Churches can offer premarital counseling and marriage enrichment classes, says Ben Lim, professor of marital and family therapy at Bethel Seminary San Diego. “Secondary prevention involves those in spiritual leadership having their eyes open to members who may be undergoing difficulties in their relationships,” he explains. “They can help families at risk by nipping the bud of domestic violence before it gets worse.”
When abuse is reported or discovered, believers need to respond with strength and justice. “It is important and healing whenever a Christian community responds with collective moral outrage,” says Glen Scorgie, professor of theology and ethics at Bethel Seminary San Diego. “Such a strong, unequivocal response can go a long way toward validating the victim’s personal dignity, acknowledging the horror of her experience, and making her feel safe.”
And we can provide practical help. “Tangible help that works toward establishing physical and emotional safety is of primary importance,” says Sande Traudt, associate professor of social work and a licensed social worker who has worked in the field of domestic violence for many years. “This means supporting, in every possible way, a woman’s choice to leave an abusive relationship. It also means helping her think through her choices and supporting her decisions about when and how to leave a relationship, as she knows the real dangers and issues she faces.”
We can also offer temporary shelter, material and financial assistance, and referrals to local experts and resources. At the most basic level, though, serving as a haven for victims of intimate partner abuse starts with a change in perspective. Associate professor of psychology Andy Johnson (who is not related to Manya Johnson or Steven Johnson) suggests that we can respond by offering three simple but powerful statements that validate a woman’s experience and help lead her to a path of healing: “I believe you,” “You don’t deserve this,” and “Are you safe?”
“I believe you.”
“It’s very difficult for a woman in an abusive relationship with someone who is known as an ‘outstanding Christian, business leader, or father’ to be believed,” says Traudt. “Due to this unbelief, she sees that her support system will most likely be of little personal support and begins to think she must endure in silence, at all costs.”
Research shows that violence occurs as often among self-professing Christian families as non-Christians, says Jankowski, and “no denomination seems immune from having incidents of violence take place within its families and congregations.”
“You don’t deserve this.”
Sometimes women in abusive situations believe they can stop the abuse if they do what their partners tell them or just “submit more.” But power and control are at the root of domestic abuse, says Andy Johnson. It’s more than the occasional spousal disagreement; it’s a pattern of abusive behavior that includes manipulation, coercion, and force. Men who abuse set unrealistic expectations and continue to raise the bar.
“Men in this frame of mind will find any excuse to batter their wife or girlfriend,” Johnson says. Women in abusive relationships are repeatedly told they are causing the abuse. “A woman is told that she is ‘damaged’ or that the violent words and actions are because of her failure to ‘fulfill her duties as a woman and partner,’” Traudt says. “To hold onto hope for the relationship, she begins to believe that if she works hard enough at the relationship, the abuse will stop. As she works at ‘being a better person,’ the abusive messages often increase, countering her efforts, and her ability to see that it’s not her fault continues to diminish.”
“Are you safe?”
Ensuring the victim’s safety is the most urgent need the Christian community can fulfill. If churches do not have the resources for such situations, leaders can reach out to local mental health and social service agencies. This collaboration has not always happened, since the two groups sometimes distrust one another because of differing perspectives on abuse, Jankowski says. Mental health providers sometimes believe a woman’s life may be put in danger by clergy who tell her to forgive and reconcile. In the same way, church leaders may distrust mental health providers whom they believe may hastily encourage divorce. But churches, local shelters, and domestic violence advocates need to work together so women and children stay safe.
The role of forgiveness
Believers sometimes encourage victims to forgive their abusive partners prematurely, while the abuse is still happening. “But to tell a woman to forgive is just not helpful when she is being beaten repeatedly,” Andy Johnson says.
“Forgiveness is not going to end the abuse. The man’s behavior has to stop.” Once the victim is free from her abusive partner, she may want to forgive eventually for her own healing. But she gets to decide the timing of her forgiveness, Jankowski says. If she feels expected to forgive, she may feel she has lost control, like in her abusive relationship. “The oft-cited petition in the Lord’s Prayer calling all of us to forgive as we have been forgiven must never be used to manipulate a victim into premature or superficial forgiveness, much less to respond in a manner that could increase her vulnerability to added abuse,” says Scorgie.
And forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation. “It’s more about the victim letting go of the negative emotions of hurt, anger, and frustration,” says Jankowski. “Forgiveness can actually help alleviate some of the victim’s negative emotional experience.”
Healing for the perpetrator
While the initial focus needs to be on getting help for the victim and providing safety, the offender also needs to find hope for change. Men who abuse often feel remorse for their actions but can’t easily stop their behavior, says Andy Johnson. Many were raised in abusive homes and have difficulty expressing their feelings. They often hold on to gender stereotypes and carry out their role in unhealthy ways. Others have a deep need to hide weaknesses and insecurities, depend highly on their wives, and blame their wives for the abusive behavior.
Treatment is frequently complicated by other factors. “More recently, we’re becoming aware that perpetrators and victims often deal with other issues like anxiety, depression, substance abuse, or personality disorders,” Jankowski says. “Treatment has to involve attention to these other issues.” In Steven Roger Johnson’s case, for example, alcohol was a factor in the murder.
A positive resource
Even with recent renewed public interest, intimate partner violence remains, by its very nature, a silent epidemic. Its victims are our friends, neighbors, sisters, and daughters. They are women we live near, work with, or sit beside in class—women like Manya Johnson. By responding in appropriate ways, we can be a positive resource for women like Manya and their children, and help victims of abuse find hope and healing.
Contact the national Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or www.thehotline.org for help and resources in your community.
Suzanne Yonker is copywriter at Union Gospel Mission Twin Cities in Saint Paul, Minnesota.
Adapted by permission from the Winter-Spring 2015 edition of Bethel magazine.
