Making Conflict Constructive
Control in Conflict by John Wallace, Broadman, $4.95
Reviewed by Randy Hines, youth and family pastor, Old North Baptist Church, Canfield, Ohio
No one in the congregation ever sits back and says, “I think we ought to have a nasty church fight.” No, harmony is the ideal expressed throughout the New Testament, but still the battles arise. Imperfect members (and pastors) make conflict inevitable.
On staff at only my second church, I have entered both situations with the senior pastor leaving under unpleasant circumstances. (Forget that phrase; it was severe conflict!)
Control in Conflict encourages Christians to handle their differences constructively and productively. It is an autobiographical approach that has worked for John Wallace, pastor of Parkway Baptist Church in Lexington, Kentucky, for thirty-four years. Maintaining peace, Wallace says, is “a learned discipline to which all Christians are called.”
Don’t think that Wallace’s pastorates have been free of strife, however. He admits to having had three major conflicts while serving churches in Kentucky, Texas, and Oklahoma. “And by major I mean long, hard fights in which the whole church was in a crisis over a period of one to two and a half years,” Wallace adds.
Successful conflict management is possible, Wallace writes, only after altering opinions about controversy. “First, we must begin with a new attitude of willingness to manage our differences constructively.” Other attitude changes include accepting discord as inescapable and seeing benefits in conflict. Wallace gives equal time to the negative side of controversy. He lists hazards of deception, disruption, and discouragement.
Agreeing that disagreements are seldom simple, Wallace has chapters on three main causes of conflicts: confusion, concealment, and control of power. Dealing with confusion is difficult because it “produces frustration; frustration generates anger; and anger blinds.”
Concealment’s “destructive work is hidden by something acceptable,” writes Wallace. “Much of the conflict I have faced has worn an innocent mask at first.” The church is the only arena where some starved egos have a chance for recognition. Pride, guilt, and pain are a few conditions that cause some to complain about one thing while upset about another.
“Of all hidden motives, the most secret is envy . . . a sin no one readily admits,” according to the author. Calling it the meanest cause of conflict within the body, Wallace says envy even plagued the disciples.
There exists an intimate relationship between conflict and the control of power. Wallace cites four areas where conflict arises: from the abuse of power, the assignment of power, the assumption of power, and the absence of power.
A do-and-don’t list includes practical guidelines for conduct in conflict. Wallace suggests we not lose control of our emotions, not deceive, not presume, not retaliate, but rather evaluate, communicate, and pray.
“Of all the losses I’ve experienced in conflict,” he confides, “none has affected me so deeply as the loss of self-esteem.” This loss comes from both second-guessing by self and accusations by adversaries.
Admitting how a conflict and the resulting loss of self-esteem dropped him “into a pit of deep depression,” Wallace records restorative tips: (1) accept affirmation from friends, (2) name your good characteristics aloud, (3) listen to God’s promises, (4) set and accomplish short-term goals, and (5) quit comparing yourself to others.
How often do people unjustly feel ignored, insulted, or indignant? “I’ve had to learn that feelings are as important as facts in relationship-sometimes more so. I’ve had all the facts on my side, but people were against me because I was not sensitive to feelings.”
The final chapter, on controlling conflict, identifies four areas where control is developed: in a person’s spirit (attitudes, feelings); in study (of books and personality); in structure (goals and planning mental reactions); and in strategy (applying resources to the problem).
Not many of us are good at controlling conflict, says Wallace, because too many of us ignore it. We emotionally focus on persons and personalities rather than the problem. Timesaving strategy, he concludes, will involve defining the problem, defusing the emotions of those affected, then deciding on a course of action to resolve the conflict.
Even though Wallace changed the names of those mentioned in his book, you might think people recognizing themselves would be upset. “Not so!” says Wallace. “Over a hundred copies were sold at Parkway Baptist in one day.” So the book did not become the source of another conflict.
Given the sensitive subject matter, that in itself is a commendation of Wallace’s calm, objective approach.
How to Multiply the Ministry
The Caring Church by Howard W. Stone, Harper & Row, $5.95
Reviewed by Roy C. Price, pastor, The Alliance Church, Paradise, California
Former Lutheran pastor Howard Stone has done a lot of thinking about Martin Luther’s emphasis on the priesthood of believers. Of the Reformers, Luther is perhaps best known for his stress on putting the Bible in the language of the people, saying the Mass in the vernacular, and teaching lay people they didn’t need to go through priests or saints but could pray directly to God.
That direct access to God was not to be simply “Jesus and me,” but it means each believer is a minister. Every Christian is called to a caring ministry, “through witnessing, through social concerns, or any number of ways,” says Stone. It is the law of love (the command to love both God and our neighbors) that provides a base for lay pastoral care. “The same selfless love that we undeservedly receive from God, we gratefully return in worship, in prayer, in love to our neighbor.”
While most pastors affirm the priesthood of believers, there are some who subtly resist this emphasis. Stone says that in his eleven years of teaching seminars, pastors are one of the biggest problems. “When someone reports, ‘Pastor, do you know that Margaret Smith is in the hospital?’ the pastor immediately jumps into the car to visit Margaret. Instead, he might ask, ‘What are some ways that you can minister to Margaret? Have you talked with her? How is she doing?’ “
It is because of “pastors’ tremendous compassion that they almost slap lay people in the face” by not having confidence in their ability to minister. Sometimes the pastor feels threatened. If a pastor’s primary ministry is caring, he may feel that it is being taken from him.
Stone says this is one of the biggest obstacles to implementing lay care. Unless the senior pastor is behind the program, it will not do well. While it does not reduce the time of the pastor’s involvement in caring ministries, it does enable him to develop the lives of people by providing satisfying ministry experiences.
“Research has indicated recently that teaching is more effective in helping people learn to cope with life than the equivalent time spent in counseling,” says Stone, citing the book Teaching as Treatment by Carkhuff and Bernson. “The benefits of such a program are thus doubled-the helpers are being helped.”
So, in response to this need, Stone wrote The Caring Church. It’s a training manual. Of the twelve chapters, eight are devoted to an outline of classes in caring, including such subjects as listening and responding, hospital and shut-in visitation, grief, and problem solving and referral. The book presents the content of seminars he has conducted in more than seventy churches ranging in size from 150 to over 2,000. Although he has never personally been involved in rural churches, some of his students have. He is presently professor of pastoral care and pastoral psychology at Brite Divinity School, Texas Christian University, Fort Worth, Texas.
The book could be criticized for seemingly downplaying the place of Scripture in meeting the various needs people face. Stone replies that such helps are available, and he is working on a sequel that covers this matter. “The danger of the ‘conservative’ is to overemphasize the spoken Word and ignore the visible Word; whereas the ‘liberal’ offering pastoral care may overlook the spoken Word in dwelling on the visible Word,” he says. “Both need to be incorporated into the care that is offered. Emphasizing one to the exclusion of the other limits the degree to which one’s ministry can be a channel for the Word of God lo bring comfort, strength, reconciliation, and renewal.”
Before the Bible and prayer are used with people, Stone says, a good relationship must be established so that the Word has life-content to it.
“I like witnessing that is storytelling, where people share their lives with others. Then the biblical message has an impact. People come to ministers and lay-carers because their faith shines through their lives. People sense there is something there. Without the Bible the food is not there.”
Stone is concerned that we “get beyond introductory lectures. Faith is more than just confessing we have a Savior. As a Lutheran, salvation by grace alone is crucial. But now we need to move in the life of the Spirit. In the Reformation there were methods of prayer, spiritual life, and ethical living that we can’t assume today. The church needs to reteach people how to pray daily and to meditate, how to live ethical lives, but also how to care. People need and want spiritual nourishment and opportunities to serve others.”
The book is practical and lay-oriented. It can be a teaching resource for the pastor, or it can be used as a study guide for class members. Stone talks about recruiting lay-care candidates, the size of the study group (10-30), attendance commitment, and field work such as visiting a nursing home.
Suggestions are given for listening and responding in ways that assist the other person’s openness. Confidentiality is crucial. Lay carers must not give evaluative statements such as “That’s dumb” or “You were foolish to tell your husband about it.” Reflective skills are essential: avoiding generalizations, using open-ended questions, describing your own feelings, brevity, and being sure you understand.
There are suggestions for role playing. In the chapter on hospital and shut-in visitation, a script for a demonstration is provided enabling the class to see a typical visit.
A five-step approach is given for problem solving, and specific guidelines are stated for referrals for financial advice, family service agencies, legal advice, medical aid, and psychological disorders.
Howard Stone said his first priority as a pastor was preaching. Second was pastoral relationships. “The lay-care ministry is only one segment of the whole church.”
Most pastors would agree with those priorities. But for those who wish to broaden their people-caring ministries through a trained laity, The Caring Church provides an invaluable resource.
Help for Small Churches
Making the Small Church Grow by Robert E. Maner, Beacon Hill, $2.95
Reviewed by Danny Scott, pastor, Cornerstone Conservative Baptist Church, Columbia, South Carolina
Finally! A word of hope and practical instruction-along with an occasional spiritual prod-to the pastor of the small church. Making the Small Church Grow is for pastors in churches with attendance less than 200 and only one full-time staff person. It comes from a practitioner.
Robert Maner has logged thirty-one years in ministry to small churches both as an evangelist (three years) and a pastor. Presently pastor of First Church of the Nazarene in Valdosta, Georgia, he says, “I was encouraged to write this book because we have experienced some success. We are still not a large church, but we have shown consistent growth over an eight-year period.”
This book fills a void: it is an instructional manual on how to lead a small church into effective ministry. But be forewarned. There are no gimmicks or superficial remedies to be found, no artificial pumping up of sagging hopes. In many cases Maner’s ideas may call for restructuring one’s whole approach to ministry.
Maner’s basic premise is that church growth is the result of a quality ministry. The hackneyed debate over quantitative versus qualitative growth is shelved. “Church growth should be the result of something with a higher motive than just having a larger church. … When we get to the place that all we want is growth for growth’s sake, we are no better than a cancer cell. … Growth should be the natural result of the efficient operation of a church that is doing a superior job. … What we should concentrate on is not growth but quality ministry.” And quality ministry means meeting the needs of people.
When asked how he finds the needs, Maner replied, “You have to know your people and be available. I keep regular office hours during which people know that I am available to share burdens. I’m also active in the city, serving as hospital chaplain and writing for a local newspaper. I’ve developed a file on all the helping agencies in the city by calling them on the phone to discover exactly what help is available. People have learned that when they come to me, they’ll probably find help.”
The key to producing change that will lead to effective ministry is the mindset of people in the pew. “It must happen in their thinking before it can ever happen in fact.” This requires the breaking of chains that, although existing only in our minds, prevent growth. Some of these chains are: smallness (“The size of church we think we are limited to is all in our minds”); denominational label (he rejects the thinking that “if we would change our church name to thus and so, we could be big like them”); the pastor as prophet, priest, and errand boy; inferiority (“We have to convince our congregations that we are as capable as anybody”); and spiritual price (“It is possible for the members of a little congregation to draw self-righteous robes about themselves and almost dare a visitor to come among them. Then they can justify their dwarfed size by this excuse: ‘They just won’t pay the price’ “).
Maner believes in the total participation of the laity in church ministry. This has resulted in a kind of reverse “chain of command,” working from the bottom up. Small group leaders and department heads, for example, have major decision-making responsibilities.
“If the people of the church are taught that they really do have an important place of responsibility, they are far more likely to take their position seriously. If the pastor respects these people, they will feel they have real authority.”
Having laid this philosophical foundation, Maner offers some of the methodology that has proved effective in his ministry. The two key words are emphasize and organize. The pastor must keep the philosophy of ministry constantly before the people, emphasizing the responsibility of every believer-priest to be involved in ministry. Beyond that, the church must organize in such a way that each member has the opportunity both to learn and to practice the ministry that God has given.
“When opportunities are created for Christians to fulfill the gifts of the Spirit and proper emphasis is brought to bear on the subject, things begin to happen. To tell people they have a gift and then not provide an opportunity to use it can do as much harm as good. To preach to people about the needs of the church without providing them with proper training . . . is useless. Why not put the two together as God intended?”
The primary structure for such training in ministry is the small group. Maner’s church, with an average attendance of 233, has almost forty small groups built around needs and interests. Three requirements must be met in order to form a new group: the need or interest must be widespread enough, trusted leadership must be available, and finances must be in order. The balance between flexibility and enough structure to allow success is thus provided.
“At prayer meeting tonight (which, by the way, is only one of seven small groups that meet on Wednesday night),” said Maner in a recent interview, “we introduced two new small groups: a Tuesday morning Bible study and a single adult prayer group on Monday night. One key is to keep the groups small. A group with fifteen people is too large and needs to be divided in order to provide the eyeball-to-eyeball encounter and common ground we need.
“When people drop out, we don’t scold them; we simply start new groups to try to meet their needs.”
One permanent structure is the “Circle of Concern,” a geographical division of church families with a leader who has pastoral responsibilities for those in his group. When asked how “circle leaders” are found, Maner responded, “There’s no easy answer to that. We look for capable people who are not overloaded with responsibilities already. We prefer not to use Sunday School teachers, since they have a built-in group of people they are responsible for.”
One interesting small group is known as the S.W.A.T. team, an acronym for Soul Winning and Testifying. This team is composed of handpicked, well-trained, and dedicated people who take on the difficult evangelistic assignments. “We pick out one person, zero in on him, and stay with it until we get him converted. The team will pray and fast for that individual until something happens in that life.” According to Maner, this method in combination with the follow-up of previous contacts is more productive than the door-to-door “cold turkey” approach.
“Even those who come to Christ in our door-to-door evangelism do not get into the church, mainly because they don’t identify their salvation with the church. But if they’re coming to church when they get saved, they can be integrated into a discipleship ministry.”
Along the way the author deals with three problems endemic to small churches. The first, unfriendliness, often goes unnoticed. “The average small church is not a friendly church. Oh, they say they are, and I suppose that they think they are; but they are not. They are friendly with each other.” Maner combats this problem in his own church by “frequently mentioning it in sermons, prayer meetings, and small groups. We teach our people to make the effort to speak to people they do not know.”
The second problem, traditionalism, also begins with the failure to recognize it. “You have to be aware that you’re in a rut. This means backing off and taking an objective look at the church. We tend to gravitate to our old ways of doing things, and pretty soon we find that too many people in the church are spectators.”
The third problem, motivation, begins with the pastor himself. “You can’t get others to do if you don’t do. You can’t turn others on unless you’re turned on yourself. Most people, perhaps unconsciously, don’t want their church to grow. Change is unpredictable. Most are afraid that their little group is going to be invaded and that they will lose their authority and security. It will take a stronger motivation from God, working through the pastor, energizing and exciting him, and then infecting the people.”
Maner offers no quick fixes. He does lay out some enduring principles to enable the small church to minister biblically and grow consistently. For the beleaguered and bewildered small-church pastor, this book will help.
Affair-proofing Christian Marriages
The Myth of the Greener Grass by J. Allan Petersen, Tyndale, $8.95
Reviewed by Kevin N. Springer, associate editor, Pastoral Renewal, Ann Arbor, Michigan
Joseph rejected a sexual advance by Potiphar’s wife, only to flee her wrath. David committed adultery with Bathsheba, eventually ordering her husband’s death. In Proverbs, young men were warned repeatedly of the wages of marital unfaithfulness.
Extramarital affairs are not a uniquely modern problem.
But J. Allan Petersen thinks that modern trends have contributed to a recent epidemic of sexual infidelity among Christians. That is why he wrote The Myth of the Greener Grass. It describes the reasons for and ways to prevent extramarital affairs, and it suggests ways to repair marriages torn apart by them.
Petersen writes from thirty-nine years of experience as evangelist and marriage and family life specialist.
“In 1957 I began to incorporate marriage and family clinics into my evangelistic crusades,” he says. “The clinics soon outgrew the regular meetings, and I felt God’s call to minister to the family.” In 1975 he organized and directed the Continental Congress on the Family in Saint Louis, an interdenominational meeting of 2,500 leaders that helped stimulate a family movement among evangelicals.
“Everywhere I go,” says Petersen, director of Family Concern, “pastors tell me that people in their churches- frequently leaders-are having affairs. Any problem that increases in society eventually increases in the church.
“Not only is the increased incidence of adultery a serious problem, but so is the increased callousness of Christian leaders regarding it.” Leaders have been influenced by society’s changing attitudes, tolerating behavior by their peers and parishioners that once was unthinkable.
Some Christians, within a culture in which “affairs are as common as a cold,” become numb to the problem; others are massaged into thinking that they are immune to cheating. Petersen attacks these notions.
“Affairs don’t begin on days with red lights of warning blazing,” he writes in a section that analyzes David’s affair. Temptation comes “on any ordinary day. I believe this affair came as something of a surprise to both David and Bathsheba.”
Are pastors just as susceptible?
“Everyone is vulnerable at any time, and any Christian that doesn’t think he is is in trouble,” Petersen said in an interview.
Chapters 3 and 4 provide reasons why partners cheat and describe faulty marriage foundations that create the environment for affairs. Petersen believes that unfaithfulness is a symptom that points to serious problems in one of three areas: emotional immaturity, unresolved conflicts, unmet needs.
Exacerbating these personal deficiencies are false expectations about marriage and love. Unless couples correctly perceive that love “is related to action instead of emotion,” they will be disappointed with each other. “This sets you up beautifully for an affair. If God didn’t bring you the right partner, and your partner and children don’t bring you happiness, why not look elsewhere? Somewhere you’ll find it. And that’s a myth, too.”
The most helpful chapter of the book is on temptation, “your lifelong companion,” as Petersen describes it. He emphasizes that our thought life is key to preventing temptation from flowering into sin: “Our character is cast in the mold of our concentration.”
We must clearly decide that we will not enter into an affair before the temptation comes; to be unsure about our choice now will make us weak and vulnerable when presented with the possibility for sin. “An affair is experienced many times in fantasy before the time and place of the first rendezvous is set.”
By choosing to live by God’s truth now, we avoid being controlled by the emotion of an unresolved will later. “Indecision in a battle spells defeat. … In actuality, a person doesn’t step into immorality because he cannot avoid it. Rather, he does it because he inwardly cherishes a love for it. He has not made a commitment.”
Chapters 6 and 7 are for people whose spouses are having an affair. The author argues that unfaithfulness should not mean the marriage is ruined; a patient response, acceptance of responsibility, and forgiveness are keys for healing. There is rarely an “innocent” party. The author gives many helpful tips for pastors counseling distraught spouses.
All pastoral leaders should read the chapter that describes how the Rev. Douglas Nelson (not his true name) engaged in affairs while leading his church. His life became marked by the fellow travelers of all adulterers: deceit and treachery. As Petersen told me, “The minute you begin to get involved in any way, you become a practiced deceiver, your integrity unravels. You have to become a liar.” Nelson’s story is not pretty, but its lessons will never leave the reader’s mind.
Petersen’s concluding chapter is a prescription for affairs-a list of suggestions, insights, and antidotes taken from his experience that contribute to healthy marriages. This section basically restates thoughts from earlier sections.
One thing I’d add to Petersen’s discussion is the need for good pastoral relationships in addition to open relationships between spouses. Husbands need relationships with their wives that are “in the light,” but some thoughts and struggles are more effectively and appropriately discussed with pastoral leaders, people who not only can listen but also offer authoritative advice and direction.
In my experience as a pastor, I’ve found that most men-especially pastors-who fall into affairs do so because they have no place of personal accountability, a person (in addition to their wives) to whom they can go for help and regular prayer. Pastors need pastors too, and their wives should never fill that role.
When asked what pastoral leaders can do to help people avoid extramarital affairs, Petersen replied, “Pastors need to build something positive in their own marriages, modeling the message. They must be committed to being leaders, not pointers who say, ‘Don’t follow me, follow the Lord.’ They have to get to the positive side of saying, ‘I’m committed to building my marriage. Look at us.’
“If a pastor is a leader who builds his marriage, seeing it is a part of his ministry-not apart from it or competing against it-then his opportunities to help other people are unlimited.”
Something More Than Technique
The Guide to Practical Pastoring by C. Sumner Wemp, Nelson, $14.95
Reviewed by Ron Habermas, pastor, First Baptist Church, Stockbridge, Michigan
There is nothing so exasperating as returning from a pastor’s conference saying, “I could have done at least as good a job leading that workshop!” Your frustration is not so much with the words the speaker used or the communication style. The problem is his lack of ministerial experience. His perception of pastoral life is far removed from yours.
The strength of The Guide to Practical Pastoring is that you know the author-pastor has been there. His vivid illustrations and personal anecdotes could only have come from an experienced pastor.
“After pastoring for fourteen years and teaching pastoral theology for twenty-three, I finally heeded the advice of several people who said, ‘Man, you’ve got to put that in print!’ ” says C. Sumner Wemp, vice president of spiritual affairs at Liberty Baptist College in Lynchburg, Virginia.
The traditional textbooks on pastoral theology, he says, primarily stress such pastoral duties as weddings, dedications, and funerals. But Wemp was not satisfied with that restricted content. For him, there was a missing element, which could be summed up in the dynamic theme of Christian love:
“Love is the key to your whole ministry. People are starved for love. They have been browbeaten most of their lives. They get enough guff at work. What a transformation when they begin to find out God loves them. My, how they are drawn to a preacher who loves them!”
This theme may initially be criticized by some as simplistic. Certainly, it is a frequently heard phrase, and that alone may diminish the impact of the concept.
Yet Wemp rejuvenates this theme of love through several individual accounts from his pastoral work. He not only speaks about love as an imperative, he illustrates how it can be used in pastoral ministries. The text reads like a candid autobiography, describing personal successes and failures. Specific warnings and directives are given. Helpful insights range from the subject of one’s “call” to service, to the planning of a missionary conference, and from the issues of the pastor’s role in church planting to the need for private study.
An entire section of the book is devoted to the normal tasks that pastors are expected to perform. This hands-on portion not only focuses on the appropriate content for such public ceremonies as weddings and funerals, but integrates and flavors these services with the supreme example of Christian love: evangelism. Suggested approaches to witnessing in the context of these ceremonies are challenging.
Why this theme of Christian love in a pastor’s manual?
“Well, I didn’t set out to do it that way. It’s just that one day a friend was introducing me as the guest speaker, and he said: ‘If I were to describe C. Sumner Wemp, I would call him the apostle of love for our day.’ That really affected me.”
Particular target audiences are used to illustrate this all-encompassing principle. At least three examples stand out.
First, Wemp notes that a pastor must love those whom he regularly encounters in his community.
“I honestly believe,” he writes, “that pastors do not really love their people; at least, many preachers do not act as if they do.” What should pastors do? “Tell people from the pulpit that you love them. Then, work at making them happy. Love your people. Exhibit the evidence of that love. It will take nothing more to build a great church.”
This quality is especially necessary for those beginning a new outreach in the community. “A deep desire and divine love for a community must be in the heart of a potential pastor. John Knox set the pace when he prayed, ‘Give me Scotland or I die.’ To some degree, at least, a man must have that kind of desire before he dare start a church.”
The second target audience that needs a pastor’s love is fellow ministers. “Our enemy is the devil, not fellow pastors,” the author explains. “We must love the brethren . . . and ‘esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake’ (1 Thess. 5:13).”
The third target group is in the pastor’s own home. Wemp urges a pastor to brag about his wife in public. He should magnify her good points. He should let people know how much he loves her-even from the pulpit. The author says that this will not only promote a healthy role model for other church families, but it will keep temptations “away from your door.”
In summary, anyone who reads The Guide to Practical Pastoring would probably find no new profound truths regarding the pastoral profession. The beauty of C. Sumner Wemp’s book, however, lies in its ability to revive the basic need for Christian love in ministry. Quite simply, the author argues that people aren’t stupid. They can’t be fooled regarding a pastor’s love (or lack of love) for the congregation.
Wemp’s final word for pastors, therefore, is to increase their love for those they serve:
“Preacher, get a heart so full of love that you weep over souls, you weep over sins, you weep over sinners. Not a feeble love that stands for nothing and preaches against nothing. Not an egotistical love that preaches against sin to prove that you are right. Not a jealous love that preaches against sin because you can’t do the same things that libertines do. But a love that hates sin because it hurts God, pollutes the world, and destroys people.”
Copyright © 1983 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
