I’ve performed weddings both B.D. and A.D. (Before Diana and After Diana). Weddings A.D., it seems to me, are burdened by higher expectations. Couples and their families seem to think theirs should be a princess wedding replete with celebrative devices.
Many now use wedding consultants. Liturgical accouterment and even mini-rings for children of a previous union are common. No one throws rice anymore; they release balloons or blow bubbles.
One other change is obvious. Now the majority of couples that come to me are unchurched. Largely the product of a generation of adults who, in the ’60’s and early ’70’s, embraced a laissez-faire attitude toward religion, they come with little or no religious background. A surprising number tell me they believe “all religions are basically the same.”
Their attitudes often suggest “We’re here to arrange for goods and services.” They have already been to the florist, the dressmaker, the reception hall, and the caterer. Their meeting with the minister is just another wedding necessity.
This can be humbling and maddening. It can also be a tremendous opportunity for ministry! Here’s how my approach has been refined over 25 years.
Usually the bride phones the office: “I’m calling to see if you marry people who aren’t members of your congregation.” The question itself is telling. Here in the suburbs of Philadelphia, many churches have adopted an unyielding policy to deal with the barrage of unchurched couples seeking a church wedding: members only.
These congregations miss one of the most productive and satisfying opportunities for Christian education and evangelism in our time. Perhaps for the first time in their lives, the couple really wants something from the church.
Opening the conversation
I don’t answer the question right away. “It’s interesting you ask,” I tell the caller. “These days, most of the couples who seek a wedding at Saint Martin’s are not affiliated with this parish. I’d love to meet with you. What is a good day for both of you?”
By asking for an interview, I take control of the conversation’s direction and ensure that I will have time for exploration and discussion before answering the question.
If a parent calls to see if I am willing to discuss a son’s or daughter’s wedding, I give the parent my e-mail address and ask to have the couple be in touch. Young couples find this form of communication convenient. In fact, I recently married a couple who had a personal Web page where they included not only my photograph, but their discussions of the content of our premarital preparation.
In my first contact, I ask for some specific information that will help me in preparation for our visit:
Has either of you been married previously? These days, many of them have, and my denomination has established certain procedures to deal equitably with a former spouse and any children. Couples may not be willing to volunteer this information during a telephone call. If there was a previous marriage, I ask when and where it was dissolved, paying particular attention to time frame, looking for red flags. (“Well,” one bride said, “my divorce isn’t final yet, but it will be by the time of the wedding.”)
Are you currently members of a congregation elsewhere? Couples often admit that they belong to another church but feel their own church building is too large, too plain, or too remote, physically or spiritually. “I drive by your church every day,” a bride will say, “and I think it is so beautiful.” If they do belong elsewhere, I ask if they have approached their own pastor about being married.
“We’re both Roman Catholics, and we take our faith seriously,” a groom once told me. When I asked why they weren’t being married in their own denomination, he replied, “Our pastor won’t marry us in [the chapel of a local private secondary school] because the school has a Protestant affiliation.”
“Why is being married there important to you?”
“My grandfather designed and built that chapel. Honoring my grandfather’s work is as important as my denominational loyalties.”
I said that sounded reasonable and offered to speak to the man’s pastor on his behalf. After some delicate conversations, the pastor consented to do the ceremony in the desired location, with a few restrictions. To this day, some 12 years later, the bride and the groom stay in touch because I helped make their dream possible.
So, are both your families excited? I ask this as innocently as possible. At times one will hint of tension. “Well, my mother has been a little difficult, but on the whole everyone is very happy for us.” I make a note to explore family dynamics when we’re together.
The first interview
Twenty years ago, I met couples with a business-like manner. Over the years, however, I’ve discovered that generous hospitality is more important. Many who come have an experience of church that is less than welcoming: “My family left the church when I was a boy because the minister wouldn’t perform a funeral for my uncle who committed suicide.”
“My pastor won’t marry us because my fiance is divorced.”
“I went to a religious school and was turned off by my teachers.”
Many of these reasons are simply excuses for dis-affiliation, but whatever the reason, it is accompanied with significant emotional content. Thus, I begin with the assumption that when they come to me, they come wounded or scarred.
More often than not, some forgiveness is needed if the couple is to re-engage a community of faith: their forgiveness of the church, or the church’s forgiveness of their absence. I want each couple to know that when they come to my office, they are entering an atmosphere of acceptance and welcome.
Like the loving father in the Parable of the Prodigal Son, my mood is one of excitement that they’ve returned for this occasion.
After refreshments and small talk, I beg their indulgence while I fill out an information form asking “the same types of questions you’ll see when you apply for your marriage license.” The form asks not only for names, addresses and dates of birth, but also information about baptism, confirmation, present or past congregational affiliation, parents’ names and marital status, their hoped-for date, names of witnesses, and anticipated address following the wedding.
Putting pad and pencil aside, I say, “Okay, now for the important stuff—tell me the story. How did you meet and fall in love?”
I’ve never had a couple who didn’t beam upon being asked. Before they have a chance to respond, I say, “You should know that I collect love stories. I have to be honest and tell you that I have never heard a love story that tops mine, but I’m willing to give you a shot at the prize.”
By sharing stories, we move the focus from any feeling of obligation to prove themselves worthy of a church wedding to a simple celebration of their meeting and romance.
Most of these stories are predictable. “We met in a bar” or “We were introduced by friends.” Still, I have found something in every story to comment on with pleasure, usually in question form. “What was it about him that made you want to see him again?” or “I’ll bet the friends who introduced you felt pleased with themselves!”
After the stories, I move to the key part of our meeting. “I want you to know what we think marriage is all about,” I begin. “As far as the state is concerned, marriage is simply a contract, an agreement that two people enter into in the presence of witnesses. Believe it or not, it has the same legal power as the decision to buy a house or an automobile. Now, the church recognizes the contractual element of marriage, but we think it has a far deeper dimension. “You see, we believe that your marriage is a receptacle for God’s movement in life, a contract with three parties, not two. In the wedding, the church affirms that we already see God at work in the two of you. So, let me ask you a difficult question. Where do you see God at work in your relationship?”
Not surprisingly, a few seconds of silence usually pass as the couple gives me the deer-in-the-headlights look. My next act is contrived, but incredibly important. “I’ll tell you what. Let me give you a few minutes to think about that while I refill your coffee cups.” They may not want any more coffee, but they always seem glad that I leave them alone for a few minutes.
When I return, they often seem a little shaken. I rephrase the question. “So,” I say in a cheery voice, “where do you see God in each others’ lives?”
“I’m not sure we’ve ever thought about our relationship in those terms,” one will say.
“Well, tell me what it is about each other that you find holy. When you look at him, or when you look at her, what awes you the most?”
Haltingly, the words start to come. Compassion. Empathy. Adoring love. Selflessness. Sacrifice.
“See?” I say. “These are God-words. Maybe you never thought of each other this way, but these characteristics you are talking about, these attributes, these are things that describe the presence and activity of God in your life. You’ve loved God in each other for a while now and didn’t even know it.”
Most couples look bewildered. This is new to them. So I explain further.
“You know, almost 2,000 years ago, a Christian known as Justin Martyr said that each human being possesses ‘seeds’ of God. It’s the same thing the Old Testament was trying to describe when it says that we are made in God’s image. Basically, it means that you are more than just flesh and blood, more than your history and experience, more than just your family’s genetic pattern—you are ‘God-stuff,’ too. Let me see if I can give you some evidence of that.”
Most couples, by now, are both fascinated and confused by this new idea.
“Why are you really here today, in a church?” I ask. “If all you wanted was a wedding, you could pay a judge $50 and have it done. Why go to a church, why sit down with a minister to arrange a church wedding?”
They usually sit quietly, no doubt hoping I have the answer to the question.
“I think God has brought you here to me. I think that ‘God-stuff’ in you has led you to believe that this marriage is so important that God has to be involved. Furthermore, I think God is interested in more than just your wedding; he may be inviting you to a deeper level of relationship than the one you already enjoy.
“That diamond on your finger has a number of facets—a number of ways of seeing the fire inside the stone. Likewise, your relationship has a number of facets as well.”
Then I discuss four primary aspects of human relationships: emotional, social, physical, and material. I ask the couple to describe how they experience feelings about one another, how they engage family members and friends in their relationship. I briefly discuss how the Christian tradition sees the gift of sexuality as an expression of love through touch. I ask them if they have established any financial goals, or if they have begun to deal with issues of common property.
They normally have already explored these facets of their relationship to some degree. Then I ask them about the spiritual dimension of their relationship.
Usually this stops conversation cold.
“I thought spirituality was an individual thing. I mean, I believe what I believe and she believes what she believes,” said one groom, summarizing the beliefs of his generation about matters of faith.
The door is now open for some fundamental teaching about the spirituality of marriage.
“This is the part of your relationship that I think God is inviting you to explore,” I say, explaining the methods and benefits of prayer, worship, stewardship, study, and an ongoing relationship with the church.
“Let me tell you one of the things I have learned in 25 years of ordained ministry. Emotions change. Social interests and extended relationships change. The way we express love through touch changes. Money comes and money goes. But God always stays the same. When a husband and wife are grounded in God, their relationship endures. Like it or not, you are what the Environmental Protection Agency calls an ‘endangered species.’ Divorce is so prevalent, I believe, because most marriages are grounded in emotion, or sex, or money, or common interest. The ones grounded in God tend to endure.”
By this time, we have been talking for more than an hour. They have been exposed to concepts radically different from those they came with. It is time to make a deal.
The deal
“Look,” I usually say, “I know that a lot of what I have said is new to you. You need to talk about this. I’d like to suggest a way we can proceed. I’m here to help you decide if you should be married in this church. I don’t think that you can make that decision until you see if this community of faith feels right to you. Come to worship here for six weeks, then let’s meet again. In fact, we can make an appointment right now. In six weeks you’ll be able to tell me whether this is the church for you.”
Couples frequently express some anxiety about the length of time. They want to “firm things up.” In that case I say, “I understand. I’ll put your wedding date on my calendar right now and promise to hold it open. If you come here for six weeks and feel that this congregation is the one you want to make your church home, we will go ahead with our plans. But if you feel that this church isn’t right for you, and you can identify the thinking that brought you to that decision, I’ll help you find the right church. I’ll suggest a congregation that may be more appropriate for you. I’ll even call the pastor and ask him to be in touch with you so that you won’t have to make any more cold calls. Either way, I won’t leave you stranded.”
My reasoning? Couples who attend worship faithfully for six weeks give God the opportunity to enter their relationship in powerful ways. Members of our congregation are intentional about welcoming new people. By the time the couple attends three or four weeks, they are known by name and have been engaged not only during worship, but during our fellowship hour that follows.
Sometimes I get a blunt response.
“Look,” one groom stated categorically, “we’re not interested in joining your church. We just want to be married.”
With a smile I said, “I’m really grateful you feel free to be honest with me. It seems you have answered your own question. You’re really not interested in this church other than as a venue for your wedding. But of course, churches aren’t public arenas for social celebrations. A church is a community of faith. We welcome you to join our community. It sounds as though our time together has helped you define some of your priorities and needs. Best wishes to you both. I’ll keep you in my prayers.”
It is, admittedly, a swift dismissal, but my role is not to persuade but to invite. If the invitation is declined, I will honor their decision.
More often than not, the couple accepts the deal, and we make a date for a second interview. On their first Sunday, I make sure to direct members of the congregation, especially those in the couple’s approximate age group, to welcome them.
The rule about exceptions
Sometimes an inquiring couple lives some distance from my church. Perhaps their families live in this area, and they simply want a wedding in their home community.
In that case, I emphasize the importance of finding a church home where they live. “I want you to start visiting churches in your area,” I say. “I can give you a list of Episcopal churches in your community along with the names of their clergy. Find the one that feels best and let me know where you will be attending. I will then call the pastor, explain that you are planning to be married here, and ask him to get in touch with you.”
The second interview
At the second interview, I immediately recap our first meeting. “Last time I asked you to worship here for six weeks to see if this was a community with which you could identify. Okay,” I say, filled with genuine anticipation, “the ball’s in your court. Tell me what the two of you have been thinking.”
If the couple has been faithful in attending and has come back for the second interview, they usually have been touched at a deep level by worshiping together and talking about incorporating the life of faith in their relationship. They are eager to proceed.
True, some couples never return. They may have attended for a week or two and then simply disappeared. They may not even call to cancel the second appointment, and I am left waiting, like the king waiting for the wedding guests in Jesus’ parable. At these times, I temper my disappointment with the realization that their freedom to make choices does not negate the value of my invitation.
On rare occasions, a couple comes to the second interview having failed to attend church in the intervening six weeks. At these times, I believe blunt is best: “I really don’t think you can proceed without the experience of worshiping here. That would be as irresponsible as buying a car without looking at the features or asking the cost. So, let’s set another time when we can meet after you have worshiped in this place for a while.”
If they refuse or express reluctance, I suggest that they seem to have made a decision, that they are only interested in a wedding, not in Christian marriage. I wish them well and promise to keep them in prayer.
For those who proceed
For couples who want to be married here and to join the community of faith, I say, “Let’s do two things today. Let’s talk about all the mechanics of getting married here, then let’s explore your mutual spirituality.”
This includes describing our pre-marital preparation program, choices they will have to make about the shape of the service itself: music, flowers, rehearsal, etc. Then, I give them a half-sheet of paper and demand that they post it on the refrigerator. The sheet is entitled “Father Scott’s Ten Rules about Weddings.”
The remainder of our time is spent discussing my first five “rules” in some depth, including suggestions about how they can pray together, study together, and “sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs” together. Then we set a date two months prior to the wedding when we can finalize arrangements for the service itself.
Before they leave, I offer this statement: “The most important thing for you to remember about the rest of your engagement is this— when you have a problem, a question, a family issue, or when you just need to talk, I want you to call. Believe it or not, I have a stake in your relationship, and I’m here for you.”
In the last 20 years, I have never had to refuse to marry a couple. In vesting them with the decision to be married in my church, I have pushed each couple to embrace the responsibility for their own actions. In the process, my congregation has been blessed with many fine men and women (and eventually children) who may have come looking for a wedding, but stayed to build a marriage.
Douglas G. Scott is rector of Saint Martin’s Episcopal Church in Radnor, Pennsylvania. dgs1234@msn.com
Father Scott’s Ten Rules about Weddings
Post this on your refrigerator.
- This is your wedding. It should be the way you want it to be, within the bounds of Christian marriage, our church’s tradition, and the dictates of good taste. Expectations of family and friends are always a secondary consideration.
- The only things necessary for a wedding in this state are a bride, a groom, a license, and two witnesses. Anything else (dresses, flowers, etc.) is simply ornament and unnecessary for a beautiful and moving wedding ceremony.
- Relationships are more important than ceremonies. A wedding lasts 15 minutes. A marriage lasts a lifetime. My primary concern is with your relationship with each other, with God, and with me.
- A wedding is supposed to transform two individuals, not into a couple, but into a church. The only reason for a couple to seek Holy Matrimony in the Christian faith is because they want Jesus Christ to be the Lord, not only of Life, but of their household as well. Christian commitment cannot be realized without a mutual commitment to holiness of life.
- Couples must worship together to maintain a mutual spiritual foundation. Participating in the life and work of a church makes marriage stronger. Attendance at worship is necessary for the vitality of a relationship both before and after a wedding. Couples who wait until they have children to become active in a church wind up with “kiddie” religion.
- Weddings should be fun. If you are not enjoying the process of planning your wedding, you are doing something wrong. See me for corrective measures.
- Something will go wrong at your wedding. Something always does. Count on it, and when it happens, don’t let it bother you. It will give you something to talk about for years.
- Many couples miss their own wedding. The swirl of emotion and excitement tends to obscure a couple’s ability to enjoy the wedding. Take great care to work on calm centering before the ceremony so that you may enjoy it fully.
- Everyone gets the jitters. But feelings of dread, regret, remorse, or depression may indicate a deeper problem. Problems can be solved! Call me and talk about it.
- Alcohol and weddings don’t mix. Alcohol has been at the root of every significant problem I have experienced in years of weddings. You may think a glass of champagne prior to the ceremony is harmless, but alcohol added to the stress of the day can have disastrous results. Abstain.
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