Do you remember the excitement and sense of purpose when you first felt called by God to vocational ministry? Like the disciples on the mountain with Jesus just before he gave them their commission, you may have wrestled with some nervous jitters or doubts. But beneath those anxious thoughts there was a genuine excitement—a holy thrill at the chance to make a kingdom impact in the lives of others.
For many pastors, that early sense of calling eventually gives way to an unexpected reality: feeling lonely and isolated. The weight of ministry and the expectations of our people can sometimes feel exhausting, even crushing. In our efforts to be faithful to our calling, we often crowd our calendars and deny ourselves the very things that help us endure and thrive—personal care and meaningful relationships.
And yet, it’s precisely these kinds of relationships—honest, sustaining, kingdom-minded friendships—that many pastors need but ultimately lack.
Created in the image of God, we are fundamentally relational by nature, created to live in meaningful relationship with God and in authentic community with others We are meant to live out of our union with Christ and his body, offering a quiet testimony to an unbelieving world. We are at our best when we cultivate healthy and integrated relationships in our communities where we serve. In his earthly ministry, Jesus modeled these relationships by refusing to distance himself from either the religious or the irreligious, choosing instead to share meals with both religious leaders and sinners.
If churches are to have influence in the world, they must be led by healthy pastors. Charles Spurgeon once observed, “I believe that one reason why the church of God at this present moment has so little influence over the world is because the world has so much influence over the church.” When today’s church leaders parrot the world’s habits by working in isolation, staying guarded and siloed, we miss the very call Spurgeon was urging us to heed.
One of the most overlooked key ingredients in a thriving and flourishing ministry life is safe and transparent friendships. It is a paradox: We spend our days being with people and yet many of us feel isolated, lonely, and disconnected. Rather than experiencing the beauty of friendship that Jesus offers (John 15:15), we begin to feel like hired help and respond by distancing ourselves from the people around us. Our busy schedule leave us exhausted and with the perception that we have no time to invest relationally. Our calendars grow full, but our souls run empty.
If you are feeling isolated or lonely, you are not alone. A 2024 study by the Hartford Institute of Religion found that half of pastors say they often or frequently experience loneliness. A separate Barna study (also from last year) showed a significant decrease in how satisfied pastors are in terms of having “true friends.”
In my own life and ministry, I (Chip) have walked through several seasons of deep depression and anxiety. In those times, my temptation has been to isolate and withdraw. Fortunately, the Lord has given me a small circle of trusted, long-term friends who played a key role in restoring me.
We (Chip and Robert) have learned over 60 combined years in ministry that “life is all about relationships!” God designed us this way!
We are made for meaningful community and deep authentic friendships—with God (vertical) and with others (horizontal). Jesus summed up all the law when he said that the two greatest commandments are to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” and to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:37-40) .
God is our perfect model for community—namely, in the Trinity. Even before creation, the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit had perfect community and perfect loving relationships with each other. They didn’t need to create us for their own relational desires but to share the loving relationship they eternally have with each other. “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness… God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them” (Gen. 1:26-27). Being made in God’s image explains our desire and need for relationships and community. As Genesis 2:18 reminds us, we are not meant to be alone.
In his classic Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis described the Trinity as “a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life… almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance.” While you might occasionally see a person dancing alone, it is something else to behold the beauty of loved ones moving together in step.
Now contrast that with the oft-quoted observation that “the Sunday morning worship is most segregated hour in America.” That’s like watching a beautiful tango dance with one partner missing.
To live and lead in isolation—or to only have friends who are just like us—is a bit like looking at one facet of a diamond. The classic round brilliant cut diamond has 57 or 58 facets. In order to see and experience the beauty of the diamond, you have to see it from many sides. The same is true in our relationships. We need others—different from us, shaped by different histories—in order to see the other facets.
We have also learned that some of our most life-giving friendships are those that reflect God’s unity in diversity. From the beginning, the Lord has pointed us toward a beautifully multiethnic future. The day is coming when Jesus will return, and there will be “a great multitude that no one [can] count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb… [crying out] in a loud voice: ‘Salvation belongs to our God’” (Rev. 7:9-10).
God set apart a people through Abraham and his family—not just for themselves, but to be a blessing to all the nations and families of the earth (Gen. 12:1-3). And when Jesus came, he came to unite and heal what sin had divided: people, cultures, nations, and families that had long been at odds.
Paul puts it plainly in Ephesians 2:14–16:
“For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility… to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility.”
Here, the apostle is speaking about Jews and Gentiles—two groups who hated each other. Jesus doesn’t just save individuals; he reconciles enemies. He creates one new people.
Near the time of his death, Jesus prays a prayer that this unified body (the beautifully diverse body of Christ) would become one. “Then the world will know,” he said, “that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me” (John 17:23). That kind unity isn’t decorative. It’s missional. It’s a compelling witness to the gospel of Jesus Christ, particularly as we consider what it means to love our neighbor.
Over the last 20 to 30 years, our “neighbors” in Atlanta have become ethnically and culturally more diverse. And it’s not just here. In nearly every major metropolitan area and even across rural communities, the nations are now at our doorsteps.
The unity Jesus prayed for in John 17, when put into practice, gives a greater opportunity for the gospel to impact these changing demographics. Rather than lamenting the loss of homogeneity, if we become intentional in cultivating intercultural friendships our witness for Christ will be far more effective. The gospel becomes more visible. Instead of boarding planes to serve in faraway places, each of us has the opportunity to become a missionary right in our own neighborhood.
The beauty in developing intercultural relationships and friendships is analogous to the richness of a well-played piano. In 2016, Android released a commercial featuring a master pianist performing Moonlight Sonata on two different pianos. One was a traditional piano with all 88 keys tuned to their specific notes and another piano had every key tuned to the key C. The difference was startling. One played a beautiful masterpiece that anyone could appreciate. The other? Monotone and flat.
The tagline for the advertisement was “Be together. Not the same.” It is striking that even Android marketing picked up on this beautiful truth: Diversity is not a threat to unity but the texture that gives it beauty.
We need friendships in our lives that play their own note, rather than merely echoing ours. When each friend plays his specific note, we hear the symphonic richness of the body of Christ. It is not enough to say we want diverse relationships; it is important to recognize that we need these relationships to hear, see, and understand things that we can’t from our own experiences.
In the articles that follow, we will share how we have celebrated this in our own contexts and the impact it has had on our lives.
For the pastor or ministry leader feeling the weight of loneliness, our prayer is that you will be both encouraged and challenged to step out in building diverse kingdom relationships—the kind that will allow you and your ministry to flourish.
Don’t be surprised if those life-giving relationships are already within reach.
Chip Sweney serves on the executive leadership team at Perimeter Church, where he has been a pastor for nearly three decades. He is also the executive director of the church’s Greater Atlanta Transformation Division, which leads Perimeter’s outward-focused ministries across the metro Atlanta area.
Robert Kim serves as an associate professor of applied theology and church planting at Covenant Seminary and the director of church planting at Perimeter Church in Atlanta. He planted churches during his pastoral career and currently serves as a board member for the missions organization Serge.
