If anything runs against the grain of Christian leaders, it’s saying no. Somehow the call to ministry is interpreted as a surrender of personal choice. The late-date beatitude seems to be “Blessed are those who burn out, for they shall be comforted in heaven.” Yet one skill essential to long-range effectiveness is the ability to say no. As Charles Spurgeon said, “Learn to say no; it will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.” The freedom to say yes to important concerns comes from the discipline of saying no. Productive ministries flourish when a person determines priorities and says no to anything detracting from them. But here’s the rub: How do we say no? How do Christian leaders deal with the deluge of requests and needs they face daily? How do they set their limits? How do they say no graciously, without
offending? To find some answers, I interviewed ten pastors, one seminary president, and two administrative assistants in a variety of denominations. The subject stirred provocative dialogue. Saying no is a significant daily problem. As Roger Fredrickson, pastor of the First Baptist Church in Wichita, Kansas, said, “It’s never easy to say no because of the very factors that brought us into the ministry in the first place: service and sacrifice.” But nearly everyone interviewed provided a rationale for saying no.
To do so graciously, without defensiveness, we must first see the legitimacy of refusal.
It’s OK to Say No
First, we can say no because we serve a gracious God. Our view of God strongly influences our stewardship of time. Keith Brown, pastor of First Presbyterian Church in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, confessed: “I used to view God as a perfectionist who was never quite satisfied with my achievements. It took me quite a while to learn that God really isn’t happy when we’re working ourselves to death.” George McCausland, a Methodist pastor in Pittsburgh, helped Brown come to this understanding. “The greatest moment in my life,” he told Brown, “was when I resigned as manager of the universe.”
Second, it’s OK to say no because our value comes from who we are in Christ. Over half the pastors interviewed said the primary reason it’s hard to say no is because they want to be liked and respected. Gordon MacDonald, pastor of Grace Chapel, Lexington, Massachusetts, said of this insecurity, “The temptation we face is how we can manage the situation to give a reasonable yes and keep the people liking us.” To say no is to risk rejection, a price many leaders fear paying. They assume that the secret to being liked is ceaseless, selfless activity. But this openended, accept-all-comers policy is a ticket to ineffectiveness and frustration. As one pastor confessed, “There was a time when I said yes to everything and nearly lost it all.”
The ability to say no draws strength from the proper image of ourselves as human partners with God—with the stress on human. We are not adequate to meet every need. Our sense of value is vested in God and his image within us, not in the weight of our achievements. Awareness of our need to overcome insecurity and the deep desire to be liked can free us from bondage to yea-saying.
Third, it’s all right to say no to some things so we can give a wholehearted yes to our calling. Gary Sweeten, minister of discipleship at College Hill Presbyterian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, said: “Our activity cannot be based solely or even primarily on the need, but on the call of God. The needs will always outstrip our time and resources.” Sweeten alluded to Christ’s decision, in the face of great needs for healing, to answer God’s call to move on to another village to preach the gospel. When Christ came to the end of his earthly life, he had not filled every need, but he had fulfilled his calling.
Leaders often fall as easy victims to the “madness of God.” John Fletcher of the Alban Institute describes this as “the most insidious seduction experienced by the clergy—falling into the temptation to assume the role of omnipotent helper, instead of living out the dependence on God they preach about on Sunday mornings.” A clear sense of call sets us free from the delusion. But it takes courage to hold fast to our call. “You cannot last in pastoral ministry,” Keith Brown observed, “until you have the courage to disappoint people. If we cannot say no, the pastoral ministry will become a burden too great
to bear.” Many of the pastors surveyed described their sense of call in terms of an equipping ministry.
T. Garrott Benjamin, pastor of the Second Christian Church, Indianapolis, Indiana, said: ”It used to be easy for me to say yes to many community responsibilities. Then I began to see how this was counterproductive, in the long run, to equipping others in the church for these responsibilities. Don’t say no without an alternative; say no in order to say yes to equipping others. Rather than spread myself too thin, I now want to spread the ministry through others.” Recently, Benjamin was asked to serve on the Affirmative Action Committee of his denomination. He saw an opportunity there to spread this ministry through someone more qualified than himself. He recommended a woman from his congregation who heads the Affirmative Action Program for Indianapolis. “Her gifts are being used, and I’m free to pursue my own call,” he said.
The ease with which we can say no depends a great deal on whether the church is pastor-dependent or lay-centered. Greg Groh, pastor of Glastonbury Community Church in Connecticut, said, “The ultimate goal of church life is not that everything run smoothly, but that the people experience the reality of God working through them, even if things run rough.”
Hot Spots: When It’s Hard to Say No
Although most pastors and leaders agreed that it’s never easy to say no, there are times when it’s particularly difficult. David Hubbard, president of Fuller Theological Seminary, said, ”It’s very hard to say no to deeply committed people whom you trust, especially when their ideas are good, but the resources aren’t available to implement them …. Saying no will help these people in several ways: first, to protect them from being hurt down the line; second, to enable them to direct their energies in more fruitful ways.”
Important, influential people put our nay-saying power to the test. One pastor received a call from a significant leader in his congregation and community asking him to serve on a community service board. Rather than disappoint the man and risk losing respect, he said yes. Consequently for two years he spent three hours of his day off doing something for which he had neither the gifts nor the desire. “Now,” this pastor says, “I am able to say no. When a call comes, I say outright that I appreciate the affirmation of the offer but realize I wouldn’t be the right choice.”
Another hot spot is the choice between flock and family. Ron Rand, associate pastor of College Hill Presbyterian, confessed, “I used to put my family second in the name of ministry and thought it was godly.” Over the last five years, he and most of the other pastors surveyed have made deliberate efforts to say yes to their families, even when that means saying no to the flock. Rand has scheduled weekly “club times” with each of his three boys and a weekly luncheon with his wife. These are inviolable commitments. When someone asks to see him then, he replies, “I’m sorry, I already have a commitment, but is there another time that’s good for you?”
Gordon MacDonald works closely with Gail, his wife, to set the family calendar at least six to eight weeks in advance. “By scheduling my family first,” he said, “it’s much easier to know the commitments I can fulfill.”
What about emergencies? The pastors surveyed said that over the years of ministry, there were few genuine crises that required immediate action. When such did occur, they responded immediately, without hesitation. But rather than encountering full-blown crises, most pastors battled the lure of the urgent. The following experience of one interviewee illustrates the problem.
The phone rang after midnight. When he answered, it was Mary.
“Hello, pastor. I’m sorry to call you so late, but I just can’t sleep.”
“What is it?”
“I wondered if you could go visit my friend in the hospital tomorrow. I know she isn’t a member, but she could use your help.”
“Couldn’t this have waited until morning?”
“But I couldn’t sleep. I’m very concerned.”
“All right, I’ll see what I can do. Good night.”
The next day, he made a special trip to visit Mary’s friend. While there, he learned that Mary hadn’t even visited her friend, though the friend had been in the hospital over a week.
Urgent requests test a leader’s skill and sensitivity. They are perhaps the most difficult to refuse, yet as General Eisenhower often told his soldiers, “The more important an item, the less likely that it is urgent; the more urgent an item, the less likely that it is important.” The task is to discern truly urgent matters from those presented as urgent.
The first step is to know a fact about ourselves: Leaders tend to thrill at the opportunity to be the savior in a desperate situation. Consequently, they may not take time to determine the genuine need. Greg Groh commented, “Sometimes my own need to help may be greater than the person’s need to be helped.” This tendency springs from our shaky self-image.
“A lot of us,” according to MacDonald, “measure our importance by emergencies and the broken calendar—like a doctor.”
A second step concerns the phone.
“I began to experience real progress,” said Keith Brown, “when I realized that every time the phone rang, it wasn’t God on the other end of the line.” Often, phone calls that come at home aren’t urgent; they’re convenient to the caller.
Groh has developed a policy concerning calls at home. “If the person indicates a need to talk about something important, I say right away that I can talk for fifteen minutes. If we need more time, I suggest we schedule an office appointment. This encourages the person to get to the heart of the matter. It also communicates availability at some other time. I’d much rather deal with a person face-to-face; I feel I can minister more effectively.”
Another hot spot is commitment to denominational leadership. Roger Fredrickson spoke of the dilemma facing a pastor: “When we are yearning for renewal, especially in the mainline churches, we may be beguiled by ecclesiastical authority and stretch ourselves too thin.”
Fredrickson served as the national president of his denomination in 1970-71.
“When they asked me recently to serve on the General Board, I felt I could say no because of the present priorities of my ministry and congregation.”
Stretch Points: When Yes is Best
In Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, “We must be ready to allow ourselves to be interrupted by God … it is part of the discipline of humility … that we do not assume that our schedule is our own to manage, but allow it to be arranged by God.” When does God shatter our schedules and call us to stretch?
The most obvious time to stretch is at times of personal crisis. Gordon MacDonald said ministers must trust the “pastoral gift” to determine response to such needs. “There is a time to go above and beyond the plan,” he observed. “That’s why it’s essential to consecrate our mind and choices at the start of each day. Then we can listen to the Holy Spirit and know when to break the rule of our calendar.”
T. Garrott Benjamin asserted: “Any pastor who won’t make exceptions denies himself the joy of service and sacrifice. Sacrifice your schedule.”
Staff relationships also call for stretching. Those pastors serving in multi-staff situations generally agreed that the staff’s well-being necessitated generous availability. Gary Sweeten said, “It’s important to stretch when the matter concerns the overall welfare of the staff or church, even if it won’t benefit me personally.” Part of servanthood on a staff is the assertive choice of saying no to yourself. Clear, honest, consistent communication nurtures the best stewardship of everyone’s time and gifts.
David Hubbard notes the opportunity for growth as another stretching time. “There’s a certain sense,” says Hubbard, “that all I bring to my work is myself. I don’t bring a hammer or a paintbrush; I bring my gifts and experiences.” Consequently, it’s worth the effort to push in order to seize growth opportunities. But he also offers this word of caution: “We can only stretch like this a few times for short spaces.”
Foundations for Saying No
When it comes to actually saying no, four principles help cultivate proper expectations for ministry. These might be considered preventive medicine.
• Put your own personal and pastoral priorities on the calendar well in advance. When Keith Brown receives the predictable Sunday morning at-the-door request for an appointment, he says, “If you can call Tuesday, I’ll give you an answer.” Monday is the day he devotes to extensive planning. With the planning done, he can give a ready answer to any requests.
This planning has a second benefit of minimizing guilt, especially when taking personal time. William Henson, pastor of First Baptist Church of New Orleans, said, “The first thing I do is say yes or no to myself before the Lord.” He mentioned an incident that at one time could have threatened him. While playing tennis at lunchtime, a lawyer from the community called across the courts, “It must be great to be a pastor and play tennis whenever you want!”
“What he didn’t understand,” Henson said, “was that this time was planned. I could fully enjoy myself because I wasn’t neglecting any responsibilities.”
• Consistently communicate your priorities and time policies to staff, lay leaders, and congregation. Getting a no hurts most when it is unexpected and seems unjust. People need to be educated as to what they can reasonably expect from you. For example, Gary Sweeten’s call is to be an equipper of counselors, not a therapist. When someone asks him for therapy, he replies: “Unfortunately, I just can’t do that. But please don’t take this personally. The elders of the church have called me to equip people for ministry. I cannot do long-term therapy. I will meet with you once with someone else who can carry on from there.” More than once he’s received a note saying: “Thanks for turning me down. I was upset at first, but the Lord put me with someone who has really helped me.”
Many of the pastors preach and teach their congregation and officers the nature of biblical priorities. One pastor said, “Of course, this means I give my lay people permission to say no to me as they get their own lives in order.”
• Make your secretary a partner in guarding your time and sticking to your priorities. She can be an invaluable asset, especially in screening the initial requests. Sarah Blanken, ministry assistant to Jerry Kirk, said: “When a request comes in, I try to get the information Jerry will need to make a decision. Since he has communicated his priorities to me, I can almost tell right away if this is something he could do. If it’s doubtful, I inform the person but assure him that I will discuss it with Jerry and get back to him. I don’t want there to be any false expectations from the start.” She understands her role as being a link between the person and Jerry. “I want to be a channel, not a block. My goal is to make people feel they have gotten to him, even if they don’t speak My goal is to make people feel they have gotten to him, even if they don’t speak with him directly.”
Since, especially in larger churches, the secretary will often communicate the negative answer, it’s important how she relates to the caller. Inez Smith, administrative assistant to David Hubbard, said: “My first priority is to establish rapport and trust with the caller. I want the person to know I will do all I can to be helpful.” She’s learned that often she can provide what the person needs without interrupting Hubbard.
“In order for a secretary to serve effectively in this way, teamwork is critical,” noted Inez Smith. The pastor or leader needs to invest the time to communicate with the secretary. Sarah Blanken also emphasized this point, “Jerry has spent much time with me so that I have a heart for his ministry. His goals are mine. There’s a high price to pay in time, but the benefits are tremendous.”
• Cultivate assertiveness. Realizing it’s all right to say no is half the battle, perhaps the easier half. Then comes application. Assertiveness is saying no in a way that is honest and respectful. David Augsburger, in Anger and Assertiveness in Pastoral Care wrote, “Theologically, the assertive lifestyle recognizes that loveless power violates, powerless love abdicates, but power and love in balance create justice.” Rather than say yes in resentment, we do justice to ourselves and others by saying no when necessary.
Steps to Saying No
With these four foundations in place, the following steps aid in saying no to a specific request.
1. Analyze the request. Gary Sweeten spoke of three factors in the analysis. The first is to get the facts straight.
The second is to consider the personal impact. How will this decision affect my goals, my time, my family? This is a time for growing self-awareness. David Hubbard responded: “I must ask myself why I am saying no. A leader who is honest with his own inner process grows in integrity, objectivity, and trustworthiness.”
The third is to consider the perceived impact on those involved. Where does my no leave them? How should they handle such a situation in the future?
2. Communicate acceptance of the person. Divorce your answer from anything having to do with the personal relationship. By showing empathy, warmth, and respect, we reassure the person that our negative response is based on our perception of God’s will, not on him or her as an individual.
This is especially important in staff and administrative relationships. Hubbard noted that “people develop emotional commitments to their suggestions. Since the renewal of any organization depends on a constant flow of new ideas, you don’t want to squelch suggestions. Affirm their work and encourage them to come back.”
3. Explain as much of your reasoning as possible without breaking confidences. In some situations, an explanation may not be necessary. Several pastors guard their family time by saying, sorry I’m not available; I have a firm commitment.”
In many cases, however, people are better able to accept a no if they’re given the background. They can benefit a great deal by entering into the reasoning process.
4. Invite the other person to respond to your decision. Ask for feedback to be sure the person understands your response and reasoning. This provides further opportunity for clarification and keeps the lines of communication open.
When we say no firmly, we are able to say yes faithfully. Our ministries grow in effectiveness and integrity as we steer our course in obedience to God’s call. We experience the liberation of depending on God to supply the needs we can’t. All in all, good stewardship necessitates saying no. As Ron Rand prayed in closing our telephone conversation, “Lord, keep us from the maybe’s—they’ll kill us.”
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