One important ingredient of success is a good, wide-awake, persistent, tireless enemy.
Frank B. Shutts
A preacher’s biggest problem is how to toughen his hide without hardening his heart.
Vance Havner
I confess that, to a certain degree, I was one of those idealistic young people who entered ministry thinking that because I was doing the Lord’s work, the Lord’s people would always be on my side, supporting my endeavors.
Surely, I reasoned, if I gain any enemies in the ministry, they’ll be outside the church, somehow opposing the cause of Christ. It didn’t take long to shatter that illusion. Anyone who’s been in ministry more than a week and a half can probably relate to one or more of these statements by pastors:
“A small number of my predecessor’s strongest supporters have been unable to let go of him and form a bond with me. For them, my best, because it is different from the former pastor, is not good enough. Aside from the emotional pain, this has also tended to make my ministry here somewhat tentative.”
“When I see those with whom I am in conflict employ un-Christian tactics such as lying and backbiting, it is hard for me not to lose my own sense of Christian values.”
“I never thought I had enemies until one left the church abruptly and took a dozen other families with him! This incident, more than anything in twenty years of pastoral ministry, left me depressed, emptied, and physically ill.”
“The custodians try to control all the physical aspects of the church. It seems like everything must be done their way. I find the situation frustrating, and my attitude toward them is not good. I try to love them and pray for them, but I often ‘backslide’ into bitterness.”
It is entirely possible, of course, that in trying to do God’s work you will encounter opposition from outside the church. But whether you do or not, at some point you’re almost certain to find you have serious opposition within the church. For some it’s an ongoing, low-grade struggle. For others, the opponents become out-and-out enemies.
How do we deal with our enemies? In what practical ways can we possibly obey Christ’s clear command in Luke 6 to “love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you”?
Like you, I’ve faced my share of difficult people. I’ve known opposition; I’ve known what it’s like to consider someone in my church an enemy. Let me offer what I’ve learned in the hope that it will help you.
Acknowledging the Feeling
A whole generation or more of Christians has been raised to believe that emotions are bad, that believers shouldn’t experience certain feelings — anger, for instance — that are thought to be ungodly. But the fact is that we do experience all the normal human emotions; it’s impossible not to. Not only do we experience the emotions, but it’s okay that we do, too. That’s the way God made us. In fact, there are times when every emotion, as long as it’s under control, is entirely appropriate. For example, there are many times when we should get angry, such as when we see people being hurt by injustice or when we hear God’s name being used disparagingly. To be angry at such times is very much in keeping with the character of God.
I love Ephesians 4:26 because it allows us the freedom to be human: “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” It’s also saying that anger is natural. We can be angry and still not sin. At the same time, it’s instructing us not to sin by letting resentment build. The choice is up to us.
It’s futile to try to repress your true emotions, because they’re like a beach ball you play with in a swimming pool. You can push it down and hold it under water, but sooner or later it’s going to come popping out of the water somewhere. Repressed anger is also going to pop up somewhere, often in dangerous ways.
One place repressed anger shows up is in physical problems such as loss of energy, loss of drive, or even a nervous tic. The overall effect on the body is destructive — over time it can lead to death, though you’ll never see “bottled emotions” listed as a cause of death in a coroner’s report.
Repressed anger can also manifest itself in a general resentment. I know two men who were friends and who were both in ministry. Ed was the smarter and more articulate of the two, and in school he had been the better student. But God had seen fit to use Bob in a more prominent way. This bothered Ed no end, and he spent twenty-five years as a bitter, sarcastic, cynical, bragging person because he couldn’t forgive God for using Bob rather than himself.
Finally, however, he was able to acknowledge the root resentment. When he finally confessed this, a transformation came over Ed. He became a totally different person. He sorrowfully admitted that he had wasted all those years on the backside of the desert.
Sometimes repressed emotions will affect a pastor’s preaching. For example, when I was in YFC I had a fifteen-year-old kid come up to me in a camp one day and say, “Jay, I wish you’d pray for our pastor.”
“Why is that?” I asked.
“Well, every Sunday we leave church feeling he’s skinned us alive. And if we’re not all kinda looking down at our shoes as if we’re the world’s worst people, he just stays on us till we get that way.”
“What exactly do you want me to pray for?” I said.
“Well, let’s just pray that our pastor will feel forgiven.”
That’s some insight for a boy of fifteen! But here, most likely, was a pastor with unresolved conflict in his own life projecting it onto his people. Without realizing it, he was trying to work through his repressed emotions right there in the pulpit. The issue wasn’t the sinfulness of his parishioners but his own unadmitted anger.
The first key to dealing with enemies in a loving way, then, is to face our feelings honestly, to admit to ourselves and to God what we feel, to recognize that just having the emotion isn’t sinful.
The Response Interval
Second, however, is the matter of what you do with the emotions, how you respond to whatever or whoever produced the feeling in you.
We live in a world that has fooled us into thinking you have to “be true to your feelings,” meaning that you not only acknowledge the feelings, but also express them to whomever you feel like unleashing them upon. That is, if something you say makes me angry, I supposedly should respond with angry words and gestures. It is presumed that this will make for a “healthier” relationship between us.
Clearly, however, this cannot be the approach of the Christian. We have to insert into the equation Jesus’ command to love our enemies. When evil is done to us, we’re to do good in return. When we’re cursed, we’re to bless. We can be angry, but we’re not to sin in anger.
That gets us to what I call the response interval, which is where almost all the battles of human relationships are won or lost.
God has made us, of all his creatures, to be rational beings, not instinctive. In other words, we don’t have to respond automatically and mindlessly. The time between what’s said to us and our answer back is what I call the response interval, the period when we think about what was said, when we analyze it and filter it through our experiences, feelings, opinions, and desires. This analysis may take place quickly and may be partially subconscious, but it’s always performed before we respond.
After the analysis comes the crucial decision: How do we respond? Do we respond in unchecked concord with our feelings, or do we respond with restraint and self-control? Which response is in obedience to Christ? We must make that choice every time. To choose obedience is neither natural nor easy, but we can get help from the Holy Spirit.
If you’re pragmatically minded, let me say that not only is this concept biblical, but it also works very well. A soft answer does turn away wrath. Relationships are healthier when you don’t attack indiscriminately, even if you feel angry. As one wag put it, “The difference between a bad marriage and a good marriage is leaving about three things unsaid every day.”
What’s true of marriage is also true in the ministry. It helps to take the long view. What we feel now may pass; what we say now may have longer-lasting consequences. Life has enough problems without bringing more down on our own heads through words and actions reflecting unrestrained feelings rather than mature love.
I remind myself that if I respond on the basis of my emotions, I’m allowing someone else to control me, to dictate my words and actions. And I for one don’t like that idea. I want to know that under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I’m in control, not others. Thus, if you say something to make me angry, I’ve given you control over me if I respond in anger. I’d rather retain control and respond in love by the Spirit. That’s not to say, however, that I have to pretend I’m happy.
One time when she was about four years old, I was with my daughter Laurie in a large department store, and she asked for some gum. I saw that we were near a tobacconist’s counter. Not knowing if they had gum but figuring they might, I asked the clerk.
“Why should I have gum?” she snapped. “This is a tobacco counter.”
That made me angry, but I was determined not to return the blast, especially since it also gave me a chance to teach Laurie something. So I stood right there at the counter and explained, “Laurie, there was no reason for this clerk to be rude to me. You asked me for gum, and I didn’t know where the gum was. Rudeness like this could cost the store customers. The clerk did not act nicely, but we need to be careful not to respond by losing control ourselves.”
Then I heard the clerk say, “Well!”
So I turned to her in a calm and firm but not hostile way and said, “Madame, I would encourage you, when you take a job dealing with the public, to treat people decently. I spend a lot of money in this store, and you’ve made me angry enough that I might take my business elsewhere in the future. Now, I don’t want to make a scene, but if you like we can call the manager and I’ll tell him or her my story.”
She didn’t think that was necessary.
We can confront without anger. We can pursue what’s right without falling into sin.
Trying to Understand
Third, when faced with opposition, I try to understand why the person is saying or doing what he is. My conviction is that all behavior has a root cause, so I’ve put a heavy emphasis on probing a person’s background to better appreciate the perspective with which he responds to the world. I always try to remember, “Now, what kind of a home did he grow up in? What was his dad like? What values are most important to this person?”
When trying to determine why someone does something, I’m not satisfied with simple answers like “He’s just sinful” or “He’s just perverse.” I usually find there’s some fear, some longing, or some bias ingrained by parents — something deeper — that’s motivating the person. And assuming I can get a handle on what that is, I try to deal with a person on the basis of that reason rather than the behavior that I find troublesome.
In other words, when confronted with such a person, I try to focus the conversation on the underlying motivations rather than the objectionable behavior. I try to address what’s really the issue rather than speaking only to the surface situation. If I don’t do that, I’m only treating symptoms, not underlying causes. That would be like noticing a person’s fever and telling him to cool down rather than going to the trouble to discover the source of the infection.
It also helps me to imagine that behavioral and psychological problems are like physical handicaps. I couldn’t be angry at a person with one leg for having only the one. In the same way, I have trouble hating a person who has only one psychological leg — who’s so frightened that he’s a racist, for example, or whose father raised him in such a way that he believes you get what you need only by being demanding.
I won’t try to tell you that understanding a person’s motivation will make the anger or hurt you feel disappear. Nor does it excuse the person’s sin if sin is involved. But it does help you better appreciate why it’s difficult in his particular case for him to choose otherwise. And that does make it easier to deal with the person, to forgive, and to keep your own emotions under control. You can’t dictate the other person’s behavior, but you can choose how you respond.
My response to such people is pastoral. For example, I’d like to help the person with fear deal with that so he can feel secure and quit hating. And when I look at people that way, it’s much easier for me to respond out of love.
Perception also often plays a key part in disagreements that can escalate into animosity. If you find someone opposing you who seems sincere in his opinions and isn’t attacking you personally, taking the trouble to discover why he disagrees is likely to reveal that the two of you are just looking at the situation from different perspectives. I’ve shared many a good laugh with people when we’ve realized just how differently we were seeing the same thing.
The Relief of Forgiveness
Another attitude that’s helped me deal with enemies and the emotions they generate is that practically speaking, anger and resentment tend to be a lot harder on the hater that they are on the hatee.
Repressed anger can resurface in harmful ways, and I for one would prefer my blood pressure and heart condition to remain normal. So when I find myself getting angry, I try to remember that those feelings aren’t worth hanging onto. By mentally plotting retaliation, I usually end up hurting myself a lot more than the intended victim.
One pastor I know, when he’s been hurt, prays for what he calls “the gift of amnesia.” To some extent, pain subsides only with the passage of time and forgetting.
However, we either facilitate or hinder the process of forgetting by what we choose to let our minds dwell on. If we dwell on our hurts, real or imagined, we’re inviting a loss of control over our feelings. It’s much healther if we focus instead on what’s good in life, if we think not about what someone has said or done but about how we responded and will respond, by God’s grace, the next time we find ourselves in a similar situation.
I’m helped to forgive those who hurt me, too, by remembering how much God has forgiven me. While we’re a forgiven people who shouldn’t wallow in the memory of our past failures, it is good to remember from whence we came and where we’d be now but for the grace of God, especially if we have trouble forgiving others.
Because of my awareness of my own sin, I also tend to think that there may be at least some truth (often more) in every negative statement made about me. It would be unhealthy to carry this attitude too far, to assume everything negative that’s said is entirely true. However, it’s good to at least be open to the possibility that our critics have identified a real flaw, and to look for what’s true in their words.
One of the places where we’re prone to think we have enemies is on boards and committees, especially if they don’t support our plans.
I used to go into meetings having already decided what I wanted to have happen and what decisions I wanted to see come out of them. The whole purpose of the meeting, as far as I was concerned, was to get the other board members to go along with my plans. In other words, from my perspective, a meeting was a win-lose situation: I won when my ideas carried the day; I lost if my plans were not accepted.
I remember taking this attitude into my first meeting as the new president of YFC. I stood up in the meeting and confidently said, “I believe God is leading us to do such and such.” After the meeting, Fred Smith, a wise board member took me aside.
“Jay,” he said, “I’ve flown all the way from Dallas to participate in this board meeting. If you already know what God wants YFC to do, then just write me a letter, tell me, and then go do it. I thought the reason for a board was that we didn’t quite know, and our purpose in coming together was to try to find out. Don’t ask me to fly halfway across the country to disagree with God.”
That statement jolted me and helped me begin to see that when board and committee members challenge my plans and ideas, they’re not my enemies. Rather, they’re part of the process God has set up for the best operation of his church and ministries. Wisdom and safety are found in a multitude of counselors. Trusted people can help test ideas and come up with better ones. God can speak as clearly through a board as he can through an individual.
Now I understand that by going into a meeting with the right attitude, there’s no reason it can’t be a win-win situation for everyone involved.
It’s been my observation that most pastors can usually win a verbal battle with an enemy. After all, we’re professional communicators; we’re adept with words. We can generally outtalk our opponents. But I’ve also seen what often happens after such a skirmish, especially if the other side is publicly defeated. The opponents are not eliminated; they come back, usually with allies to bolster their attack. They’ll simply find some other battleground.
In other words, indulging in our verbal skill to win a battle is usually going to produce a short-lived victory. The overall effect is simply to prolong the war. Remembering this has helped motivate me to respond in love rather than out of a desire to defeat an enemy.
When Your Anger Does Show
Finally, when it comes to dealing lovingly with enemies, let’s face the fact that all of us are sometimes going to blow it. We know all about restraint and response interval, and we’ve made an effort to find out why the other side is saying what they’re saying. But maybe the day has been overlong and we’re tired and frustrated, or maybe the enemy says the one thing that’s guaranteed to make us explode. For whatever exact reason, we lose our cool and say or do something we shouldn’t.
When that happens, the only thing to do next is to humbly confess our faults and ask for forgiveness. It’s not easy, but that’s the faithful thing to do — and it may also be the only thing that will save our ministry.
I remember being at a camp one time when a YFC director got mad. Some playful kids surprised him and jumped on his back. He reacted instinctively, spun around, and hit one of the kids, knocking him to the ground with one shot to the jaw. All the kids got deathly quiet. The director, irritated at the kids’ behavior, stalked off.
Seeing this from a distance, I could tell the kids were shocked. I could also tell that the director’s relationship with them was going to be damaged unless he could admit he had lost his temper and ask for forgiveness. Unfortunately, he remained mad, feeling that his basic, self-protective reaction had been justified. His pride kept him from saying he was sorry, and his ministry with that group was effectively over.
Because loving enemies is one of the most difficult spiritual disciplines, for most of us, that area will take a lifetime to develop. We will grow gradually, but there will be times when we clearly fail. And when that happens, if we have the humility to say so and to seek forgiveness, both we and our opponents can learn and can grow in spiritual depth.
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