Anniversary

As of 2021, around 25% of 40-year-old Americans are not married—the highest percentage ever recorded. In his book, Get Married: Why Americans Must Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization, Brad Wilcox argues that marriage is more important than ever for individuals and for the country. Based on his research he offers two reasons for the flight from marriage.

First, there’s what he calls the “Midas mind-set,” where too many younger Americans assume that life is about education, money, and especially work. One Pew study found that for Americans in general, 71% thought having a job or career they enjoy is the path toward fulfillment and getting married was the path for only 23%.

Wilcox was talking to a graduate student who had a clear plan for schooling and work, and then Wilcox asked, “What’s your plan about marriage and dating?” And there was silence. The student didn’t have a plan. Wilcox said, “I think that’s part of the challenge — that people are not being intentional enough about seeking opportunities to meet, date, and marry young adults in their world.”

Second, there’s what Wilcox calls the “soul mate myth”—the idea that there’s some perfect person out there waiting for you. Once you find them and love them and then marry them, you’ll have this perfect connection that engenders intense emotional connection, sense of romance, passion that in turn leads you to be happy and fulfilled most of the time. Wilcox argues, “Any kind of serious relationship, including marriage, is going to be at times deeply challenging and hard and require a lot of work.”

Forbes Advisor commissioned a survey of 1,000 Americans who are divorced or who are in the process of divorcing to discover why marriages fail. A total of 689,308 divorces occurred in 2021 and approximately half of all first marriages end in divorce with subsequent marriages failing at higher rates.

To understand the causes of divorce, it’s helpful to understand the reasons people marry:

• 42% - Financial security
• 39% - Companionship
• 36% - Love
• 34% - To start a family
• 28% - Convenience
• 25% - Medical Insurance
• 07% - Societal and family pressures

Only five percent of divorcees say there was no way their marriage could have been saved, the survey says. A whopping 63% said that having a better understanding of commitment prior to marrying could have helped them avoid divorce.

You can access the entire detailed survey here.

Possible Preaching Angle:

It is important to keep in mind that this survey was taken of society as a whole. With proper guidance in premarital counseling and personal growth toward spiritual maturity a believing couple would be much more likely to establish a solid marriage for life upon the proper foundations.

New York Times columnist David Brooks writes:

When I’m around young adults I like to ask them how they are thinking about the big commitments in their lives: what career to go into, where to live, whom to marry. Most of them have thought a lot about their career plans. But my impression is that many have not thought a lot about how marriage will fit into their lives.

The common operating assumption seems to be that professional life is at the core of life and that marriage would be something nice to add on top sometime down the road. It’s not that people are against marriage. Today, as in the past, a vast majority of Americans would like to tie the knot someday. It’s just that it’s not exactly top of mind.

Partly as a result of these attitudes, there is less marriage in America today. The marriage rate is close to the lowest level in American history. For example, in 1980, only 6% of 40-year-olds had never been married. As of 2021, 25% of 40-year-olds have never been married.

As Brad Wilcox writes in his vitally important book, Get Married:

Marital quality is, far and away, the top predictor I have run across of life satisfaction in America. Specifically, the odds that men and women say they are “very happy” with their lives are a staggering 545% higher for those who are very happily married, compared to peers who are not married or who are less than very happy in their marriages.

When it comes to predicting overall happiness, a good marriage is far more important than how much education you get, how much money you make, how often you have sex, and, yes, even how satisfied you are with your work.

Marriage rates are at a record low in the United States, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. In 2021, only 50% of American adults live with a spouse, down from 70% in 1970.

People who don’t get married cite finances as the number one reason:

• Only 25% of Americans making less than $25,000 per year are married.
• 60% of individuals earning more than $125,000 are married.

A national survey in 2014 for the Austin Institute showed that:

56% of evangelicals between ages 20 and 39 were currently married. Only 42% of the rest of the same-age population were married.

A repeated survey in 2018 showed a decline for both:

51% of evangelicals 20 to 39 were married 40% of the same age in the general population were married.

From 2014 to 2018:

The number of evangelicals cohabiting rose from 3.9% to 6.7% In the general popular support for cohabitation went from 16% to 27%

Very few of the surveyed evangelicals believe that marriage is “outdated,” but a growing minority of them now perceive an alternative pathway to get there.

After being married for 68 years, Minnesota sweethearts died a day apart --a testament, their kids say, to their independence and devotion to each other. Robert and Corinne Johnson had moved to a farm in Norseland, Minnesota, two years after they wed as teens--where they raised their children and lived independently for 67 years.

They grew up within the same 3-mile radius that they raised their children and farm animals. Both were devoted to their children and their communities. The couple traveled thousands of miles across Minnesota to attend their seven children's sporting events. They were also active in their local church.

Robert was diagnosed with cancer, and Corrine later suffered congestive heart failure. She died Nov. 24 at 87; he died Nov. 25 at 88. Corinne's death left Robert distraught. Their son Bruce Johnson, a cancer doctor, told reporters, “I sort of thought he looked like he could go for weeks. (But) as soon as mom died, he went downhill and died in a day. It's hard to imagine it's a coincidence.” Corinne's obituary reads, "It seems only fitting that they would both pass into eternal life together, surrounded by those who loved them.”

Christopher Ash reflects on the testimony of Christian marriages in his book Married for God:

Some years ago a dispute arose in Britain between Foreign Office and the Treasury. The argument was about which British ambassadors would be provided with a Rolls-Royce for their official duties in a foreign capital. The Treasury unsurprisingly wanted these wonderful cars restricted to a few: perhaps Washington, Moscow, and Paris. The Foreign Office argued for many more based on the following reasoning: most people in a foreign capital have never been to Britain, they said. But when they see this magnificent car gliding through their streets with the United Kingdom flag on the hood, they will say to themselves, "I have not been to Britain. I don't know much about Britain. But if they make cars like that there … then Britain must be a wonderful place."

In a similar way, it is Christ's hope that men and women may say to themselves as they watch a Christian marriage, "I have never seen God, sometimes I wonder, when I look at the world, if God is good, or if there is a God. But if he can make a man and a woman love one another like this; if he can make this husband show costly faithfulness through sickness as well as health; if he can give him resources to love his wife with Christ-like sacrifice; well, then he must be a good God. And if Christ can give this wife grace to submit so beautifully, with such an attractive spirit, then again he must be a good God."

Michael Joyce's memory and some of his speech have been snatched by Alzheimer's. The disease is so advanced that he forgot he was married to his wife of 38 years. But he is in love with her, and he is also an honorable man, so he proposed to her on a recent morning. She said yes.

"You don't say, 'Oh, we're already married,' " Linda Joyce, 64, told the New Zealand news site Stuff." So, I said, 'Of course I will,' thinking he might not remember." But the next morning, Michael Joyce, 68, woke up and asked her, "So, when are we doing this?" according to Stuff. Here's how Linda invited her friends and community to their second wedding:

My adored Hubby of 38 years suffers from Alzheimer's/Dysphasia. Two nights ago, out of the blue, with tear-filled eyes, he asked me to marry him! Michael had clearly forgotten we were already married but I absolutely went along with him and said I would be delighted to be his wife. In spite of his confused mind, he obviously knows and feels this is something he really wants to do … to Michael it will be our Wedding Ceremony and to our friends and myself, a truly precious memorable occasion.

On their wedding morning, Linda Joyce said she wasn't sure he would remember, but he woke up and told his betrothed, "Today's the day." The beaming couple, originally from Scotland, exchanged vows at a scenic lake near their home as friends looked on. "There's been a lot of sadness and a lot of frustration," Linda Joyce said. "And despite all the fogginess, today has been pure joy."

The singer/songwriter Leonard Cohen (a Jew who seemed to have an interest in the person of Jesus Christ) once called marriage "the hottest furnace of the spirit today." Cohen went on to say, "[Marriage is] much more difficult than solitude, much more challenging for people who want to work on themselves. It's a situation in which there are no alibis, excruciating most of the time … but it's only in this situation that any kind of work can be done."

A recent This American Life podcast features an interview between Ira Glass, the podcast host, and a marriage therapist named Esther Perel. Ira Glass asks Dr. Perel, "I was wondering if, in your line of work, it makes you feel hopeful for most couples, and hopeful for the idea of people finding what they want with their partners?"

Perel, who has counseled thousands of married couples, said:

You know, the thing that just popped in my head is I have days where I have faith in humanity and days when I don't. I'll answer you from a different angle. I once wanted to write an article on couples that inspire. And I asked about 60, 70 people, at the time, if they knew of couples that inspired them. And the vast majority could sometimes come up with one.

I never wrote the piece, but it's the answer to your question, right? It's that we can see some couples who are very good at this and some couples who are very good at that, but we don't have that many models where we just say, wow, this is who I want to be, how I want to be.

Possible Preaching Angles (1) Dr. Perel's quote could challenge and inspire married Christian couples to be that model for others. (2) This quote could show all married couples how much we all need God's grace and the power of the Holy Spirit.

For a culture that's bought into the photo-shopped notion that romance equals euphoria, or blissful self-fulfillment, or nonstop infatuation, writer Heather Havrilskey offers the following advice on true romance:

After a decade of marriage … I'm going to tell you my most romantic story of all. I was very sick out of the blue with some form of dysentery. It hit overnight. I got up to go to the bathroom, and I fainted on the way and cracked my ribs on the side of the bathtub. My husband discovered me there, passed out, in a scene that … well, think about what that might look like …

My husband was not happy about this scene. But he handled it without complaint. That is the very definition of romantic: not only not being made to feel crappy about things that are clearly out of your control, but being quietly cared for by someone who can shut up and do what needs to be done under duress …

Now let's tackle something even darker and more unpleasant, the seeming antithesis of our modern notion of romance: Someone is dying in their own bed, and someone's spouse is sitting at the bedside, holding the dying person's hand, and also handling all kinds of unspeakable things that people who aren't drowning in gigantic piles of cash sometimes have to handle all by themselves. To me, that's romance.

In an article in The New York Times, philosopher Alain de Botton claims that for 250 years many of us have been deluded by what he calls the Romantic view of marriage—"that a perfect being exists who can meet all our needs and satisfy every yearning." When that "perfect being" doesn't meet all of our needs we think we've married the wrong the person. De Botton claims that this Romantic view of marriage has been "unhelpful" and even "harsh." He writes, "We end up lonely and convinced that our [marriage], with its imperfections, is not 'normal.'"

Instead, he argues for the following view of marriage:

[That we approach marriage with the] awareness that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden, and disappoint us—and we will (without any malice) do the same to them … The failure of [our spouse] to save us from our grief and melancholy is not an argument against that person and no sign that a union deserves to fail or be upgraded.

Alain de Botton sounds like a Christian. Actually, he's an atheist, but Christians could sure listen to his advice on marriage.

While imprisoned by the Nazis in Tegal Prison's Cell 92, Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote a beautiful sermon for the wedding of his niece and his friend (Eberhard Bethge). Bonhoeffer never had a chance to preach the wedding sermon, but this line has continued to challenge and bless many young couples: "Today you are young and very much in love and you think that your love will sustain your marriage. It won't. But your marriage can sustain your love!"

Gerontologist Dr. Karl Pillemer, whose book 30 Lessons for Loving is drawn from 700 interviews, discovered that older adults "place intimacy as a high priority" in their marriages. He cites the example of Jennie B., now an 82-year-old widow who married her first and only husband when they were in their mid-20s, and were sexually active through their 47 married years before his death in 2003. Jennie explained,

There's an intimacy that comes later that is staggeringly wonderful. You can hold hands with this person you love and adore, and somehow it's just as passionate as having sex at an earlier age. There is such a sense of connection and intimacy that grows out of a long relationship, that touch carries with it the weight of so many memories. And many are sexual.

Indeed what she misses most as a widow, she says, is holding hands. "Sex was certainly an important and joyful and healing part, but I'm not sure that the connection through holding hands, which elicited such peace, was not a deeper intimacy," she wondered.

Editor's Note: Preachers, this is a powerful illustration about the beauty of committed marital love. It's longer than many of our illustrations, but it's worth sharing since our people desperately need positive examples of marriage.

My parents got married when they were 19 and recently celebrated their sixty-second wedding anniversary. But today things aren't easy for them. My mom struggles with Alzheimer's. Something about the evening makes her even more confused. Medical professionals have a term for this: Sundowners. It's a common experience for folks with Alzheimer's. For mom, when evening comes, she gets disoriented and demands to be taken "home." My mom and dad live in an apartment facility for the elderly, so we're never sure what mom means by "home."

One night I was watching TV with my mom and dad in their apartment and mom started pleading, "I'm tired. Can someone help get my coat and take me home?" At first her questions are addressed generally to the room and then to me and my husband. She gets frustrated and cries "ACK" with full German disgust. But she focuses on her husband: Why won't he take her home?

Two years ago my dad had his voice box removed so it's difficult for him to talk. He can't comfort his frightened, sick wife. But my mother can't remember the surgery so she demands, "Why won't you talk to me?" He shakes his head back and forth. This makes her angrier. "He just shakes his head and never talks to me," she shouts to the room. She calls him selfish, uncaring, and a host of hurtful words and names. My Dad's eyes are misting. He's a tough man. Strong language is not foreign to this old Norwegian painting contractor. But he understands what she is really saying: "I'm scared and confused." That's what really breaks his heart.

Finally my mom decides that she could spend the night "here" (her apartment). She turns as sweet as she had been horrid. "You poor man," she tells my Dad. "Swede, you are a good man, we can stay here can't we? We'll be fine for tonight." She goes to her room and gets ready for bed. Coming to my Dad one last time before retiring she puts her hands on each arm of his chair, gets her face about a foot from his, and with the most endearing look asks, "Do you have something to say to me?"

"I love you," he mouths.

"I love you too," she replies. And then goes to bed.

They have a love that lasts a lifetime—so ingrained that even the loss of memory and voice cannot touch it.

A Florida judge handed down an unusual sentence to a husband who had a domestic dispute with his wife.

During the courthouse hearing, Judge Hurley told Mr. Bray that he would he would need to figure out a plan for marriage counseling, but then Hurley added the novel part of the sentence:

[Mr. Bray] is going to stop by somewhere and he's going to get some flowers. He's going to get a card, he's going to get flowers, and then he's going to go home, pick up his wife, get dressed and take her to Red Lobster, and after that Red Lobster they're going to go bowling.

An attorney jokingly asked the judge, "Does he have to let her win?"

"No," Judge Hurley replied, but he also stressed that he wasn't joking. If Bray failed to follow through, he would be back in court.

The judge acknowledged that it was a very minor incident, but he didn't want to let Mr. Bray off the hook. So after checking with Mrs. Bray that she did not felt safe enough to invite her husband back home, Mrs. Bray said, "I love my husband and want to work things out." Then the judge turned to Mr. Bray and said, "Flowers, birthday card, Red Lobster, bowling. You got your work cut out for you, do you understand?"

'Yes sir,' Bray replied.

Editor's Note: The following illustration was adapted from a German pastor who wrote a meditation for a couple's 50th wedding anniversary service.

Germans sometimes use a culinary metaphor for marriage, comparing the lifelong journey of marriage to a formal French or German dinner menu—except the courses are served in reverse order.

According to this analogy, marriage actually begins with the last course—dessert. There's a season of sweetness. But, sadly, the sweetness doesn't always last. Temptations and distractions often follow this dessert-like honeymoon phase. In a formal French dinner, the second course includes a seductive selection of cheeses. At times there are so many cheese selections that diners get focused on flirting from one plate to the next. The third course consists of a beautifully prepared salad that adds freshness and vitamins to the meal. The fourth and main dish is the red meat course, the long, substantial, satisfying and nutritious body of any good dinner or marriage. The fifth course consists of a light fish or seafood dish that can be fraught with dangerous bones. Finally, the menu of a marriage ends with an enjoyable tray of hors d'oeuvres. After decades of commitment, mastering all the earlier courses of marriage, a husband and wife are rewarded with the delight of remaining committed throughout the entire journey of life.

In the end, they've truly become one.

Gary Thomas reminds Christians that if you're married, God is your "spiritual Father-in-law." He writes:

When I realized that I was married to God's daughter, everything changed in the way I viewed marriage. It was no longer about just me and one other person; it was very much a relationship with a passionately interested third partner.

Most of us fail to grasp just how fully God loves the person to whom we are married. As the father of three children, I fervently pray that each one will marry a spouse who will love them generously, respect them, and enjoy them. I realize that each of my children has certain quirks or limitations that may test a future spouse's patience, but I pray that their spouses will be kind in these areas rather than use them to belittle my children. I hope with all my heart that each will find a partner who will encourage them with a gracious spirit…. I know my kids aren't perfect—but I want them to have spouses who will love them despite their weaknesses.

In the same way, God is fully aware of our spouse's limitations—and he is just as eager for us to be kind and generous with these faults as we are for our kids' future spouses to be kind to them. By looking at my spouse through God's eyes, I invite God into my marriage.

The story, published in a British newspaper, began with the following sentence: "Heartfelt commiseration to Dorothy Naylor of Plymouth, whose recent daytrip to Bridgewater was spoiled when her husband, Oliver, left her on the forecourt of a garage … and drove 17 miles before noticing his wife was not in the car."

"I couldn't believe he'd gone without me," Mrs. Naylor told the Western Morning News. "I usually sit in the back because I can move around more, but normally we talk to one another."

The couple, both in their 70s, had pulled into a garage to change a tire. Mr. Naylor drove off and didn't notice his wife's absence until he had arrived in Bridgewater. After stopping in town, he asked his wife, "Where do you want to get out?" When she didn't answer, he turned around and discovered that he had left her behind. The paper added that the couple had been married for 40 years.

Years ago when my 2-year-old car needed a new battery, my son said, "Dad, we need to buy a new car. This one is getting old." When the tape deck needed work, he said, "Dad, we'd better buy a new car. This one is eating us out of house and home." I insisted there was no reason to spend thousands of dollars on a new car just because the old one needed minor repairs.

Marriages are a bit like that. Sometimes a little maintenance can get the marriage operating smoothly again. Occasionally a serious breakdown means a complete overhaul is necessary, but most problems are solvable. Even if there has been an affair, the marriage can usually be restored at the price of repentance and forgiveness.