Cohabitation

A new survey from Bankrate.com found that 40% of adults in the U.S. with a live-in partner have committed financial infidelity. Younger generations were more likely to keep money secrets: 67% of Gen Zers said they have confessed at least one instance of financial infidelity, followed by Millennials at 54%.

What sort of things are they hiding? 33% are spending more than their spouse or partner would be cool with, and 23% have racked up debt that their partner has no knowledge of. Others keep secret credit or savings accounts.

Avigail Lev, director at Bay Area Cognitive Behavioral Therapy says, “Choosing to be private about where and how you spend your money is just privacy. (But) having agreements with your partner about how you use money and hiding it on purpose, lying or deceiving, that’s financial infidelity.”

Money is one of the leading causes of divorce, yet often couples still struggle to communicate openly about finances. CPA Melisssa Pavone says, “Many couples never unpack their financial history and beliefs, leading to misunderstandings and resentment. Without open dialogue, secrets fester and financial infidelity can erode trust — just like physical infidelity.”

Why would someone who loves you deeply be dishonest about money? CPA Emily Luk says, “Sometimes it’s about guilt or fear — worrying that their partner won’t approve of a certain purchase, or that an old financial mistake might scare them off. Other times, it’s a way to avoid conflict or keep the peace. They might think it’s easier to conceal credit card statements than to have a tough conversation."

There can be differences in couples' money personalities and values: One is a spender, the other a saver. But money can also take the form of power, control, safety, past financial trauma, or even a mental health issue, substance use, or gambling disorder.

Nearly 70% of couples are living together before marriage. Fifty to Sixty-five percent of Americans believe that living together before marriage will improve their odds of relationship success. Younger Americans are especially likely to believe in the beneficial effects of cohabitation.

But new research joins a large pool of previous research to conclude that living together before marriage is associated with a higher risk for divorce.

The link between premarital cohabitation and divorce is often called the “cohabitation effect.” A new study uses a national sample of Americans who married for the first time in the years 2010 to 2019. The study concluded: “Consistent with prior research, couples who cohabited before marriage were more likely to see their marriages end than those who did not cohabit before marriage.”

Thrity-four percent of marriages ended among those who cohabited before being engaged, compared to 23% of marriages for those who lived together only after being either married or engaged to be married. In relative terms, the marriages of those who moved in together before being engaged were 48% more likely to end than the marriages of those who only cohabited after being engaged or already married.

Possible Preaching Angle:

Of course, as Christians living under the authority of God’s Word, marriage matters far more than just being engaged.

Are there wedding bells in your future? If you’re young and in love, the answer is—probably not! A new survey finds that two in five young adults think marriage is an outdated tradition.

The survey comes as a recent Pew Research study finds that one in four 40-year-olds in the United States have never walked down the aisle. The U.S. Census Bureau adds that 34% of people 15 years and older have never been married as of 2022. In 1950, that number was only 23%. So, what’s up? Why aren’t young people putting a ring on their serious relationships anymore? The following are the top four reasons:

Unnecessary: A staggering 85% don’t think you need to get married to have a fulfilling and committed relationship.

The Cost: The survey finds that one of the biggest reasons is still the sheer cost of getting married. Nearly 75% of Millennials and Gen Zers say it’s just too expensive to tie the knot in today’s economy.

No Interest: 72% say they just “aren’t interested” in marriage at this time. However, 83% hope they will eventually marry someone “someday.”

Divorce: Perhaps one of the biggest reasons young adults are skipping out on ring shopping is the fear that the marriage won’t last. Almost half of respondents are afraid of getting a divorce.

Nearly two in five young adults (38%) say they feel judged for not being married, with a whopping 69% of women saying their mother judges them the most for staying unmarried. Only 27% of young men say their mom judges them for staying single or not marrying their sweetheart.

Research professor Scott Stanley at the University of Denver writes:

A substantial number of practicing Christians believe that living together before marriage is a good idea—at least 41%, by one estimate. Although far more nonreligious people believe the same thing (88%), 41% is not a small group, and it’s likely growing over time.

A recent report from the Institute for Family Studies surveyed people who married for the first time in the years 2010 to 2019. We found conclusions similar to those of past studies: Patterns of cohabitation before marriage remain associated with higher odds of divorce.

What people often miss is the inertia that comes with moving in together. In essence, cohabiting couples are making it harder to break up before nailing down their commitments. Many of them get stuck in a relationship they might otherwise have moved on from.

Consistent with our theory of inertia, we find that couples who moved in together before engagement were 48% more likely to end their marriages than those who cohabited only after getting wed or at least engaged. We also show that moving in together for “relationship testing” or financial convenience is associated with higher risks for divorce.

Possible Preaching Angle:

In light of this research, Christians contemplating marriage may wonder what they can do to improve their odds of staying married. Scott Stanley suggests four principles: 1. Don’t believe the hype that living together is good for your relationship. 2. Slow down. Two people need time to learn more about each other 3. Don’t move in together to test the relationship. 4. Participate in premarital training or counseling.

Modern society has made sex easy and emptied it of its God given meaning. Sex has been redefined as a self-determined commodity that results in frustration and despair.

Author Jonathan Grant argues that this has occurred in five phases:

1. The separation of sex from procreation (through contraception)

2. Then the separation of sex from marriage (with the rise of cohabitation)

3. Then the separation of sex from partnership (as sex becomes temporary and recreational)

4. Next the separation of sex from another person (through the explosion of online pornography)

5. Finally, the separation of sex from our own bodies (through questioning the very categories of “male” and “female.”)

In making sex so easy and individualistic, we have cheapened it and thereby emptied it of its power. We tried to make it simpler, and we ended up making it smaller.

The Atlantic observed, “The United States is in the middle of a ‘sex recession.’ Nowhere has this sex recession proved more consequential than among young adults, especially young men.”

In 2018, the number of American adults who said they hadn’t had sex in the past year rose to an all-time high of 23 percent. The demographic having the least sex is, predictably, those older than 60. But those having the second-least amount of sex are 18 to 29. Today’s young people are having significantly less sex than their parents are.

Of the 20,000 college students surveyed by the Online College Social Life Survey from 2005 to 2011, the median number of hookups over four years was only five—and a majority of students said they wished they had more chances to get into a long-term relationship.

Americans talk a lot about sex. Anyone would think they’re having a lot of it. The behaviors now espoused—free sex, with anyone, at any time (as long as there’s consent)—seem like they’d lead to nonstop, uninhibited hookups. Instead, the opposite has happened. Young people are having less sex—and are less happy—than the married, churchgoing generation before them.

A new survey has found that nearly half of adults admit they’ve financially cheated on their partner. An online poll of 2,000 adults, found that 43 percent of those with shared money had lied to their partner about spending.

The monetary deception manifested in a number of ways, with 21 percent of respondents admitting they had lied to a partner about finances, debt, or their income and 39 percent saying they had hidden a purchase, bank account, statement, bill, or cash from their significant other.

While a multitude of reasons exists for being secretive with cash, the poll found respondents had mostly the same main motives. The subterfuge stemmed from a desire to keep some of their money a private affair, according to 38 percent. For 34 percent, the deceit arose after making a financial choice they believed their partner would disapprove of. 33 percent said they were simply too embarrassed to reveal whatever the monetary cheat was.

Despite the motive, nearly half (42 percent) of financial deceivers said the experience caused a fight—with some saying it led to the end of the relationship. This makes sense to Billy Hensley, the president of the National Endowment for Financial Education, who believes that discussing finances is vital to getting on the same page as one’s partner.

Americans talk a lot about sex. Anyone would think they’re having a lot of it. Instead, the opposite has happened. Young people are having less sex—and are less happy—than the married, churchgoing generation before them.

The Atlantic observed, “The United States is in the middle of a ‘sex recession.’ Nowhere has this sex recession proved more consequential than among young adults, especially young men.”

In 2018, the number of American adults who said they hadn’t had sex in the past year rose to an all-time high of 23 percent. (Imagine what that number looked like in 2021). Predictably, the demographic having the least sex is those older than 60. But those having the second-least amount of sex are 18 to 29. Today’s young people are having significantly less sex than their parents are.

Of the 20,000 college students surveyed by the Online College Social Life Survey from 2005 to 2011, the median number of hookups over four years was only five—and a majority of students said they wished they had more chances to get into a long-term relationship.

Possible Preaching Angles:

Secular, unchurched people are longing for what the Bible offers—a rich, satisfying approach to sex rooted in the union of lifelong marriage.

In early 2019, the internet was aglow with news about Chris Pratt and his fiancée, Katherine Schwarzenegger, moving in together. Media outlets cited the couple’s evangelical Christian faith as the reason they did not cohabit until they were engaged. Few suggested there was any contradiction between Pratt’s cohabitation and his status as a “devout Christian,” a “folksy, popular evangelical” who urged “living boldly in faith.”

This may seem odd to those who recognize that Scripture forbids all sexual activity outside marriage. But the choice that Pratt and Schwarzenegger made isn’t contained to Hollywood—it’s the new norm among young, professing evangelicals across America.

Evangelicals are much less likely than Americans overall to approve of cohabitation. Still, a Pew Research survey in 2019 found that 58 percent of white evangelicals and 70 percent of black Protestants believe cohabiting is acceptable if a couple plans to marry. The youngest Americans are far more liberal on cohabitation, with less than 10 percent finding it morally problematic.

This age difference is clear among evangelicals as well. In 2012, only four in ten evangelicals ages 18 to 29 told the General Social Survey they disagreed with the statement: “It is alright for a couple to live together without intending to get married.”

The idea of waiting until marriage comes across as even more antiquated in other studies. The most recent 2019 National Survey of Family Growth, done by the CDC, has found that 43 percent of evangelical Protestants ages 15 to 22 said they definitely or probably would cohabit in the future. Only 24 percent said they definitely would not. Over two-thirds of those ages 29 to 49 had cohabited at least once. And 53 percent of evangelical Protestants currently in their first marriage cohabited with each other prior to being legally wed.

A study utilizing magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) sought to examine the brain functioning of cohabitating and married women when facing stress. Researchers administered to both sets of women a mild electronic shock on the ankle. For support, the women had three choices: hold the hand of their partners, hold the hand of a stranger, or face the shock alone. When a married woman held the hand of her spouse, she registered a deep sense of calm in the hypothalamus region of her brain as she prepared for the shock. Conversely, cohabitating women holding the hand of the live-in partner registered little to no calm.

What surprised researchers is that while both sets of women stated that they felt commitment from the partners, the cohabitating women recorded the same level of calm as those holding the hand of a stranger. Researchers speculate that while cohabitating women say they feel commitment from the partner, doubt resides in the deepest part of their brains.

The New York Times' "Modern Love College Essay Contest" featured a "finalist" article by college senior Lauren Petersen. Ms. Peterson met Michael on a dating app where women make the first move. She wasn't looking for a relationship, let alone love. "Everything about us was temporary," she wrote. "We would talk a little, watch a little and then go to bed. In the morning, I would zip up my coat while he asked, 'Heading out?' I would nod and say, 'Thanks for the toast.' There was a rhythm to it. Monday night, pack my bag. Tuesday morning, walk home."

But then she broke the rules: she started to want more out of the relationship:

I started daydreaming about how the moonlight trickled in while he played me his jazz records, how he chuckled and buried his face in his hands after I explained my odd internships, and how he held up a picture of his family and described each of his brothers.

For a second, my future brimmed with Michael: his records, his quiet demeanor but abrasive sense of humor, his shamelessness in recounting the time he was struck with food poisoning at a hostel in San Francisco. Then another text appeared: "It's just that I'm apprehensive about the commitment." When I clarified that I didn't expect a long-term commitment, with our coming graduation, he expressed his real concern: "Monogamy." I wanted to leave the game behind and develop something special, if only for a short time. Yet Michael hesitated. It struck me that the "fling" was dead.

Petersen concludes on a sad note, longing for something more—true love:

A mere six weeks after our first date, we were over. I'd broken the rules; my glimmer of expressed affection had led to a fatal imbalance in the game. Feeling a little dispensable, I opened Bumble to pause my account. … A notification flashed, indicating that I had been right-swiped by a few people: 1,946 people. As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and it turned out my sea held 1,946 of them. The "play again?" button glowed brighter than ever. And yet, almost comically, I wanted to date only one particular person.

After separating from her second husband, the actress Scarlet Johansson expressed her doubts about marriage. "I think the idea is romantic; it's a beautiful idea," she said, "[but] I don't think it's natural to be a monogamous person. It's a lot of work."

Although Johansson also stated that living together is a far cry from being married. "Anybody who tells you that it's the same is lying," she said. "It changes things. I have friends who were together for ten years and then decided to get married, and I'll ask them on their wedding day if it's different, and it always is. [Marriage is] a beautiful responsibility, but it's a responsibility."

Time magazine recently featured an article that asked, "Is monogamy over?" The article offered various opinions, including "monogamy is a charade" that leads to "institutionalizing dishonesty," and "[monogamy] is just an option, not the default," and "There's no right, there's no wrong." Time also featured Pastor Andy Stanley who offered this biblical view:

Monogamy is more like an endangered species. Rare. Valuable. Something to be fed and protected. Perhaps an armed guard should be assigned to every monogamous couple to ward off poachers. Perhaps not.

The value a culture places on monogamy determines the welfare of its women and children. Women and children do not fare well in societies that embrace polygamy or promiscuity. In the majority of cases, sexual freedom undermines the financial freedom of women. Sexual freedom eventually undermines the financial and emotional security of children.

If we are only biology, none of the above really matters … If we are only biology, monogamy was probably a flawed concept from the start. But very few of us live as if we are only biology … As a pastor, I've officiated my share of weddings and I've done my share of premarital counseling. I always ask couples why they are getting married. Survival of the species never makes the list.

The "I" and "You" that inhabit our bodies desire more than another body. We desire intimacy—to know and to be fully known without fear. Intimacy is fragile. Intimacy is powerful. Intimacy is fueled by exclusivity. So, no, monogamy is not obsolete. It's endangered.

Gerontologist Dr. Karl Pillemer, whose book 30 Lessons for Loving is drawn from 700 interviews, discovered that older adults "place intimacy as a high priority" in their marriages. He cites the example of Jennie B., now an 82-year-old widow who married her first and only husband when they were in their mid-20s, and were sexually active through their 47 married years before his death in 2003. Jennie explained,

There's an intimacy that comes later that is staggeringly wonderful. You can hold hands with this person you love and adore, and somehow it's just as passionate as having sex at an earlier age. There is such a sense of connection and intimacy that grows out of a long relationship, that touch carries with it the weight of so many memories. And many are sexual.

Indeed what she misses most as a widow, she says, is holding hands. "Sex was certainly an important and joyful and healing part, but I'm not sure that the connection through holding hands, which elicited such peace, was not a deeper intimacy," she wondered.

A small article in The Week, a secular source for world and American news, made the following statement:

Want to help America's economy and yourself at the same time? Then get married. The advantages of raising kids in a stable household are well documented: "Children of married parents are more likely to graduate high school, less likely to go to jail, and more likely to delay sexual activity." … [Kids from single parent homes] are "five times as likely to live in poverty." Men who marry, research has shown, are more productive at work, are paid better, and are more likely to be employed than their unmarried counterparts. Economist Stephen Moore has pointed out that marriage is a "far better social program than food stamps, Medicaid, public housing, or even all of them combined."

Yet despite the advantages of connubial life, "single-parent families have exploded." Today, more than 40 percent of American children are born out of wedlock. To restore the vigorous economic growth that built America's middle class, we first need to restore the "pro-growth" institution of marriage.

Editor’s Note: According to Statista, the percentage has remained right around 40% from 2007 to 2022 (latest figures available as of 2024).

For many people in our culture, living together before marriage has been compared to taking a car for a test drive. The "trial period" gives people a chance to discover whether they are compatible. After all, the argument goes, you wouldn't buy a car before taking it for a test drive?

Yet here's the implication of the "test drive" metaphor: I am going to drive you around the block a few times, withholding judgment and commitment until I have satisfied myself about you. Pay no attention to my indecision, or my periodic evaluations of your performance. Try to act as if we were married, so I can get a clear picture of what you're likely to be like as a spouse.

Unfortunately, research shows that this test drive approach isn't just an equal alternative to marriage. Cohabiting couples report lower levels of satisfaction in the relationship than married couples. Studies have shown that cohabitation is correlated with unhappiness and domestic violence. And if a cohabiting couple ultimately marries, they have a higher propensity to divorce.

So here's the problem with the car analogy: the car doesn't have hurt feelings if the driver dumps it back at the used car lot and decides not to buy it. The analogy works great if you picture yourself as the driver. It stinks if you picture yourself as the car.

If you're sleeping with the person you're dating, you're telling each other two things. First, you're telling each other that your relationship with God is not your primary commitment. Second, you're telling each other that you are the kind of person that will sleep with someone you're not married to. Do you think that repeating vows to each other will somehow change that? It doesn't. You will enter into a marriage, if you end up marrying the person that you're sleeping with, already telling each other that you will sleep with someone you're not married to. What happens when he goes on business trips, or when she goes on business trips, and things come up? You already know that each of you is not first and foremost committed to God.

A 2011 research study on single men and women aged 18-36 found widespread fears about divorce—even among those whose parents hadn't divorced. The researchers interviewed 122 cohabitating couples and found "clues about what's preventing young adults from tying the knot." More than two-thirds of the respondents worried about their ability to form enduring marriages. They frequently mentioned the desire to "do it right" and marry only once to the ideal partner. The respondents also frequently mentioned the consequences of a failed marriage—emotional pain, social embarrassment, child custody concerns, and legal and financial issues.

The director of the study concluded, "Today's young adults express a great deal of concern about their ability to 'succeed' at marriage, and many who are living together question whether their relationships really differ that much from the state-sanctioned version."

Eugene Peterson shares a story about a completely unchurched young woman who started attending his church and made a genuine commitment to follow Jesus. In the ensuing months she presented herself for baptism and started growing as a disciple, studying Scripture, and attending worship—"embracing everything readily and gladly." But there was one thing that puzzled Peterson: the young woman continued to live with her boyfriend (as she had done for years), and she was uninterested in marriage.

Then Peterson shared the rest of the story:

She told me all this without apology and not as a confession but quite casually, as we were getting acquainted with one another. I wondered if I should say anything. Surely she knew that the Christian way had some sexual implications for the way you lived. She was in church each Sunday …. I assumed that she would eventually notice. I waited for her to bring up the subject.

One day on impulse I said, "We have been having these conversations for seven months. Astrid, would you do something for me?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Live celibate for the next six months."

Surprised, she said, "Why would I do that?"

"…. Trust me. I think it's important."

I learned later that her boyfriend moved out before the week was over. A month later when she came to see me, she didn't mention it. But the following month she brought it up: "When you asked me to live celibate for six months, I had no idea what you were up to. You asked me to trust you, and so I did. It's been two months now, and I think I understand what you were doing. I feel so free; I've never felt so 'myself' before, never felt so at home with myself. I thought everybody did what I was doing—all my friends did. I just thought this was the American way. And now I am noticing so many other things about my relations with others—they seem so much more clean and whole. So uncluttered. And do you know what? I have been thinking that I might want to get married someday. Thank you."

The celibacy decision survived the six-month mark and continued for two more years, at which time she and her fiancé exchanged vows, and I blessed their Christian marriage.

God has made [our] fantasies … so preposterously unrewarding that we are forced to turn to him for help and for mercy. We seek wealth and find we've accumulated worthless pieces of paper. We seek security and find we've acquired the means to blow ourselves and our little earth to smithereens. We seek carnal indulgence only to find ourselves involved in the prevailing erotomania.

—Malcolm Muggeridge, British journalist, writer, and Christian apologist (1903-1990)