Partnership

A new survey from Bankrate.com found that 40% of adults in the U.S. with a live-in partner have committed financial infidelity. Younger generations were more likely to keep money secrets: 67% of Gen Zers said they have confessed at least one instance of financial infidelity, followed by Millennials at 54%.

What sort of things are they hiding? 33% are spending more than their spouse or partner would be cool with, and 23% have racked up debt that their partner has no knowledge of. Others keep secret credit or savings accounts.

Avigail Lev, director at Bay Area Cognitive Behavioral Therapy says, “Choosing to be private about where and how you spend your money is just privacy. (But) having agreements with your partner about how you use money and hiding it on purpose, lying or deceiving, that’s financial infidelity.”

Money is one of the leading causes of divorce, yet often couples still struggle to communicate openly about finances. CPA Melisssa Pavone says, “Many couples never unpack their financial history and beliefs, leading to misunderstandings and resentment. Without open dialogue, secrets fester and financial infidelity can erode trust — just like physical infidelity.”

Why would someone who loves you deeply be dishonest about money? CPA Emily Luk says, “Sometimes it’s about guilt or fear — worrying that their partner won’t approve of a certain purchase, or that an old financial mistake might scare them off. Other times, it’s a way to avoid conflict or keep the peace. They might think it’s easier to conceal credit card statements than to have a tough conversation."

There can be differences in couples' money personalities and values: One is a spender, the other a saver. But money can also take the form of power, control, safety, past financial trauma, or even a mental health issue, substance use, or gambling disorder.

At the 34-year mark of his marriage, Tim Keller shared the following insight about his marriage:

Neither my wife nor I are particularly gender-stereotyped. Yet you get into marriage, and you find you see the world differently, and you see each other differently. She sees things in me I would never see. But she sees because she’s a different gender and she’s in close, and I see things in her, and I see things in the world.

After 34 years of conflict, of arguing, of head-butting, now every single day when I get out into the world and things happen to me, I have a split second to react. What am I going to say? What am I going to do? What am I going to think? For years, even halfway through my marriage, I only thought like a man, but now, after years and years of head-butting, here’s what happens.

Something happens, and for a split second, I not only know what I would do, what I would think, how I would respond, but I know how Kathy would think, and I know what Kathy would do. For a split second, because it’s so instilled in me, I have a choice. Which of these approaches would probably work better? You see, my wisdom portfolio has been permanently diversified. I’m a different person, and yet I’m me. I haven’t become more feminine. In fact, probably in many ways I’ve become more masculine as time has gone on.

What’s going on? She came into my life, and now I know who I am. I’ve become who I’m supposed to be only through the head-butting, only through having a person who’s like me, not me, opposite to me, in close.

A dramatic change from the trend seen in previous years was marked by the unexpected increase in marriages that the COVID-19 lockdowns brought about. Marital records from 2022 show a significant increase, with the marriage rate reaching 6.2 per capita and over two million marriages in a year.

Marissa Nelson, a registered marriage and family therapist, believes that lockdowns forced couples to face difficulties head-on, resulting in increased intentionality in relationships. She writes, “Being in lockdown together gave many couples a unique hurdle to overcome,” resulting in a better knowledge of critical factors such as finances, compromise, and autonomy.

Divorce rates continued their downward trend from the previous years, even though they had been expected to increase in 2022. While the rate was slightly higher than the previous year at 2.4 per 1,000 individuals, it is still dramatically declining from the 2000 figure of 4 per 1,000.

The hurdles created by lockdowns forced couples to confront underlying concerns, potentially laying the groundwork for stronger relationships. Nelson highlights that being confined together forced couples to tackle relationship issues, which boosted resilience and stability for the future.

Ian Kerner, a registered marriage and family therapist, has noticed a movement in marital paradigms, from “romantic” to “companionate” relationships. Individuals are increasingly prioritizing attributes similar to those seen in best friends, preferring long-term stability and fulfillment to brief excitement.

After the pandemic, marital dynamic changes reflect ideas on commitment, stability, and partnership. While issues remain, trends indicate a greater emphasis on deliberate relationships and long-term compatibility.

Possible Preaching Angle:

There are some good lessons here for couples in the church who are having marital issues and doubts. Don’t give up on your marriage. Investing the time to discuss your issues, perhaps with a counselor involved, can often bring hope and healing to a relationship.

Marvin Gaye, one of the most legendary soul singers of the 20th century, produced a series of hit recordings before his untimely death in 1984 from gun violence. But now, 40 years later, the world may experience a new set of never-heard recordings from the singer. “We can open a time capsule here and share the music of Marvin with the world," says Belgian lawyer Alex Trappeniers.

Assuming, of course, that ongoing legal proceedings can resolve their legal ownership. Trappeniers is the attorney for the family of Charles Dumolin, with whom Gaye once lived. Gaye moved to Belgium in 1981, to escape a cocaine habit he’d picked up living in London. While living with Dumolin, Gaye regained his health, and returned to recording. Some of the recordings he made during that time have never been released, and their potential value has only skyrocketed in the decades since his death.

And since Gaye gave them to the family, Trappeniers says, they should remain the family’s estate. He said, “They belong to [the family] because they were left in Belgium 42 years ago. Marvin gave it to them and said, 'Do whatever you want with it' and he never came back.”

The problem is, the Belgian law that would support the family’s custodianship of the physical tapes does not necessarily apply to intellectual property contained therein. If the heirs of the Gaye estate lay a claim to his music, the family could possess the recordings without a legal right to release them commercially. The Gaye family could legally own the music, but have no access to the tapes that contain them. Without a resolution, a legal stalemate would result.

Trappeniers says some kind of compromise and collaboration is necessary to bring Gaye’s new music to life. “I think we both benefit, the family of Marvin and the collection in the hands of [Dumolin's heirs]. If we put our hands together and find the right people in the world, the Mark Ronsons, or the Bruno Mars. ... Let's listen to this and let's make the next album.”

Possible Preaching Angle:

Cooperation; Partnership; Teamwork; Unity – Much can be accomplished in any area of society where there is collaboration instead of competitiveness. This is what Paul told the Corinthian church, “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree together, so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be united in mind and conviction” (1 Cor. 1:10-17).

Two researchers have found that success comes with a trap: It can cause teams to rely more on their “stars.” This makes the team less adaptable and more likely to get stuck in old ways of doing things. And, ultimately, it increases the chances of failure the next time around.

They started their research by looking at pro basketball teams. They examined teams in the NBA across more than 60,000 games, spanning 34 years. Leveraging motion-tracking-camera data, they looked at how teams’ passing patterns and shot distributions changed after wins and losses. Here’s their conclusion:

We found that after winning, teams became more reliant on their star players. Teams passed the ball about 6% more to the stars, and their shot distribution skewed 15% more toward the big performers. Although doubling down is intuitive (“We want to exploit what worked before”), it ended up decreasing teams’ chances of winning the next game. The increased reliance on the star players made teams more predictable to the next opponent and easier to defend—and therefore less likely to win the game … Our studies suggest that success threatens teams.

Their recommendation? Focus on the whole team, not just the stars. The researchers concluded, “When teams succeed, the credit is less likely to focus on specific performers, but rather on the team. Likewise, blame is less likely to be attributed solely to the stars, so the team can get a clearer picture of what went wrong.”

Sounds like the body of Christ!

The unheralded Florida Atlantic University men’s basketball team made it all the way to the 2023 NCAA Final Four. How did they make it that far, especially considering they had no superstars? They relied on teamwork. Nine players on this Owls team averaged 15-plus minutes during the season, and the starting rotation has changed several times.

"We really don't care who starts as long as you just impact the game," said sophomore guard Alijah Martin, who started 20 games that season. Another starter said, "It's probably the first team I've been on where really nobody cares about their stats. I feel like across the board, any game it's just a whole bunch of selfless guys just trying to get a win."

"If you feel like it could do better for the team, why not serve and make that happen?" another player said. "There's been many opportunities and many times when guys offered up their spot for somebody else. I feel like that just reflects on the type of people we are as humans, and it shows on the court."

This selfless team spirit was exemplified early in the season between a fifth-year senior named Boyd and Michael Forrest, who lost his starting job to Boyd because of an injury. When Forrest returned, Boyd offered to give up his starting role. May declined to make the change. Where that might have affected the dynamics of some teams, FAU continued to win. Forrest said, "It doesn't really matter who starts, who finishes, it just matters about what you do on the court. Everyone's just playing to win. Everyone's playing for each other. So that's really what the difference is."

A new survey has found that nearly half of adults admit they’ve financially cheated on their partner. An online poll of 2,000 adults, found that 43 percent of those with shared money had lied to their partner about spending.

The monetary deception manifested in a number of ways, with 21 percent of respondents admitting they had lied to a partner about finances, debt, or their income and 39 percent saying they had hidden a purchase, bank account, statement, bill, or cash from their significant other.

While a multitude of reasons exists for being secretive with cash, the poll found respondents had mostly the same main motives. The subterfuge stemmed from a desire to keep some of their money a private affair, according to 38 percent. For 34 percent, the deceit arose after making a financial choice they believed their partner would disapprove of. 33 percent said they were simply too embarrassed to reveal whatever the monetary cheat was.

Despite the motive, nearly half (42 percent) of financial deceivers said the experience caused a fight—with some saying it led to the end of the relationship. This makes sense to Billy Hensley, the president of the National Endowment for Financial Education, who believes that discussing finances is vital to getting on the same page as one’s partner.

In his novel Remembering, Wendell Berry tells the story of a Kentucky farmer named Andy Catlett. One warm summer evening, Andy and a group of neighbors are helping a younger farmer bring in a harvest of corn. Andy himself mans the corn harvesting machine.

At one point, the machine jams up and ends up drawing Andy’s right hand into its gears. In the confusion of the moment, Andy describes how he felt that he also had given his right hand to the corn harvester. Later, his wife asks him “What have you done to yourself?” With deep shame he replied: “I’ve ruined my hand.” Andy feels defective, and pushes away the very people that could help him heal and rebuild his life.

Andy Catlett eventually shared the shame of his hand injury with his fellow farmer Danny Branch. Berry's novel describes their relationship: “They learned how to work together, the one-handed old man and the two-handed. They know as one what the next move needs to be. They are not swift, but they don’t fumble. 'Between us,' says Danny Branch, 'we’ve got three hands. Everybody needs at least three. Nobody ever needed more.'"

Possible Preaching Angle:

In one way or another, many of us can relate with Andy’s battle with shame. We have our own version of the phrase “I’ve ruined my hand,” our own way of feeling defective, and our own community to hide from.

Genesis 3 tells us that Adam and Eve, after eating the forbidden fruit, “knew that they were naked.” As a result, they hid behind fig leaves to avoid the God who could heal them. But in his grace, God calls them out from their hiding, covers their shame with custom-made clothes, and restores them to community.

In Christ, our shame can be covered by Christ’s glory. We no longer need to keep up appearances, and therefore, no longer need to hide from our community. In fact, our vulnerability becomes a blessing to others.

Over the course of several months, Peter Skillman conducted a study pitting the skill of elite university students against that of the average kindergartner. Groups of four built structures using 20 pieces of spaghetti, 1 yard of tape, 1 yard of string, and 1 marshmallow. The only rule, the marshmallow had to end up on top.

Business students began by diagnosing the task, formulating a solution, and assigning roles. The kindergarteners, by contrast, got right to work, trying, failing, and trying again. Author Daniel Coyle explains the outcome, “We presume skilled individuals will combine to produce skilled performance.” But this assumption is wrong. In dozens of trials, the kindergartners built structures that averaged 26 inches tall, while the business school students built structures that averaged less than 10 inches.

We see smart, experienced business school students, and we find it difficult to imagine that they would combine to produce a poor performance. We see unsophisticated, inexperienced kindergartners, and we find it difficult to imagine that they would combine to produce a successful performance . . . individual skills are not what matters. What matters is the interaction.

The kindergartners succeed not because they are smarter but because they work together in a smarter way. They are tapping into a simple and powerful method in which a group of ordinary people can create a performance far beyond the sum of their parts.

The "marshmallow test" is a classic research project that illustrates our lack of self-control and delayed gratification. For the study, the researcher would give a child a marshmallow, and tell them that they could eat the marshmallow OR they could wait until the researcher would return several minutes later, at which time they would get a second marshmallow. Videos abound on YouTube featuring kids, in successive versions of the original experiment, waiting, playing with, and sometimes eating the first marshmallow, forgoing their chances of a second marshmallow.

In January 2020, the results of a new version of the experiment were released. In this new version, kids were paired up, played a game together, and then were sent to a room and given a cookie with the promise of another if they could wait for it by not eating the first cookie. However, some of the kids were put in what researches called an "interdependent" situation in which they were told they would only get the second cookie if both they and their partner could wait and refrain from eating. The results showed that the kids who were depending on each other waited for the second cookie significantly more often.

According to researcher Rebecca Koomen, "In this study, children may have been motivated to delay gratification because they felt they shouldn't let their partner down, and that if they did, their partner would have had the right to hold them accountable."

Possible Preaching Angle:

This research suggests that indeed we are better together than we are in isolation.

How far would you go to understand the struggles of someone else? How close would you get? Consider the sacrifice of Kris Rotonda. Many thought he was crazy. His girlfriend, family, and friends tried to talk him out of it. But once Kris Rotonda became aware of the struggles the Humane Society of Pasco County faced—a lack of funding and a limited number of volunteers—he knew something had to be done to shed a light on the conditions.

So, he packed rice cakes, protein bars, pre-packaged meals, an ample supply of water, a pillow, blanket, and three lanterns, and barricaded himself in a cage with different dogs at the shelter for 10 nights.

Rotonda said, "(Shelters) are often overlooked. I kind of wanted to wake up … the community a little more and put myself in the position of these animals to understand how solitude gets to you and how to deal with it. It’s very difficult, and it gives you a different perspective.”

Staff employees treated him like a dog, (as he asked them to), taking him outside only for an hour and a half to play and use the bathroom. He said, “I told the shelter, ‘Don’t give me any special treatment. Treat me like a German Shepherd.’” It was hot. He couldn’t shower. There were bugs. The smell of urine filled his nostrils. And the loud barking of up to 50 dogs kept him up at night.

Possible Preaching Angle:

By putting ourselves in the middle of another person's struggle, their loss, their cage, we can better identify with them as individuals. It will not be easy; it will be loud and messy. And it will reflect the work of Jesus. He left the comfort of a heavenly home to live with a bunch of strays. not for 10 days, but for 33 years.

Some dads like to build soap box derby cars with their sons. But Sterling Backus and his eleven-year-old son Xander had something more ambitious in mind: a full-scale Lamborghini Aventador.

Xander says he got the idea from driving the car in an Xbox racing game. Backus is a physicist with extensive experience using 3-D printers. He is building the Italian supercar with 3D-printed parts made from specs from a replica toy. Backus said, “These were all individually printed and then glued together.” The Backus clan has been at it for nearly two years, with Xander’s sisters helping to pitch in. The process includes not only printing the pieces, but wrapping them in carbon fiber and coating them with epoxy.

An Aventador SVJ typically costs about $600,000. Their homegrown replica is likely to top out at $20,000, less than the cost of a brand-new full-size sedan. All it will need is a VIN to be street legal.

Backus expects to turn heads at the school drop-off line. But his real motivation is not jealousy, but inspiration--to spark more kids’ interest in math, science, and engineering. Xander said, “You may hate math or … science … and you may not like art, but it all comes together with this one project.”

Potential Preaching Angles: Just as Jesus participated with the Father during the holy act of creation, so we have a chance to participate with God in his activity throughout the world.

When NASA posted a job opening for a "Planetary Protection Officer," a position responsible for the microbial footprint of humans during interplanetary exploration, word about the "coolest job ever" was picked up and spread widely by the media. Of course, the position has extremely stringent qualifications and demands an expertise in just about every discipline of science possible: physics, biology, chemistry, mathematics, and engineering.

However, those requirements didn't stop 9-year-old Jack Davis from submitting a handwritten note to NASA as his application. "I may be nine but I think I would be fit for the job," wrote Jack. "One of the reasons is my sister says I am an alien. Also, I have seen almost all the space movies and alien movies I can see." He then cited his plans to watch Men in Black as further reason why he should get the job. "I am young, so I can learn to think like an alien," he concluded. Although the informal application did not result in a job offer, it did merit a response from NASA's Director of Planetary Science Jim Green, who wrote back: "We are always looking for bright future scientists and engineers to help us, so I hope you will study hard and do well in school. We hope to see you here at NASA one of these days."

Potential Preaching Angles: We may have trouble remembering this, but in his perfect sovereignty God does not need us to accomplish his will. However, through his grace and love for us, he chooses to allow us to help build his Kingdom on Earth-like a parent with a toddler, or NASA with a fourth grader. May we all have childlike faith to pursue his Kingdom eagerly and faithfully.

Once upon a time, there was a king who looked from his palace window and saw one of his children collecting flowers in a distant field. The king watched as the child collected the flowers into a bouquet and wrapped it with a royal ribbon of royal colors. The king smiled because the ribbon indicated that the flowers were being collected as a gift for his own pleasure. Then the king noticed that the child—because he was a child—gathered not only flowers. From time to time, the child also added some weeds from the field, and some ivy from the border of the woods, and some thistle from the unmown banks of ditches."

To help his laboring child, the king gave a mission to his oldest son, who sat at his right hand. The king said to his eldest son, "Go to my garden and pick from the flowers that grow there. Then, when your sibling comes to my throne room with his gift, remove all that is unfit for my palace from his bouquet. Make it fit by putting in its place the flowers that I have grown."

The elder brother did exactly as his father had instructed. When the younger child came to the throne room, his brother removed the weeds, the ivy, and the thistle, substituting all with flowers from the king's garden. Then, the firstborn son rewrapped the royal ribbon around the bouquet so that his sibling could present his gift to the king. With a beaming smile, the younger child entered the throne room, presented the gift, and said, "Here, my father, is a beautiful bouquet that I have prepared for you." Only later would he understand that his gift had been made acceptable by the gracious provision of his father.

Someone (J.D. Grear) has said that many of us think that the Holy Spirit is like our pituitary gland. You know it's there, you're glad you've got it, and you don't want to lose it, but you're not exactly sure what it does. Well, the Holy Spirit does a lot. For our purposes here, the Holy Spirit is our teacher, reminder, and enabler.

A number of years ago I suffered from a hip problem. For over a year I walked with a cane. Every time I leaned on one side, I felt an excruciating pain. As long as I was leaning on the other side, sitting, or in bed, there was no problem and no pain. But turn the wrong way and "Ouch!!" That pain was a teacher. I learned to be very careful about the way I walked, how I turned, and the steps I climbed. The pain was also a reminder: "Hey, be careful. Don't lean on that side." But when I did, there was always a kind soul who became my enabler, and would grab my arm and make sure I didn't fall.

The Holy Spirit is like that.

Boys in the Boat is the thrilling true story of the 1936 University of Washington crew team, which went from backwater obscurity to a gold medal at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. Few sports carry the aristocratic pedigree of crews from Yale, Harvard, and Princeton. But no one imagined that a crew from Washington, of all places, could be competitive. And yet the University of Washington built a team from kids raised on farms, in logging towns, and near shipyards. They blew away their Californian rivals and bested the cream of New England to become the American Olympic Team and won the gold medal at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.

How did they manage to win the Gold Medal? Author Daniel James Brown explains it one word—teamwork. Brown explains how a crew team works best:

The greatest paradox of the sport has to do with the psychological makeup of the people who pull the oars. Great oarsmen and oarswomen are necessarily made of conflicting stuff—of oil and water, fire and earth. On the one hand, they must possess enormous self-confidence, strong egos, and titanic willpower … Nobody who does not believe deeply in himself or herself—in his or her ability to endure hardship and to prevail over adversity—is likely even to attempt something as audacious as competitive rowing at the highest levels. The sport offers so many opportunities for suffering and so few opportunities for glory that only the most tenaciously self-reliant and self-motivated are likely to succeed at it. And yet, at the same time—and this is key—no other sport demands and rewards the complete abandonment of the self the way that rowing does. Great crews may have men or women of exceptional talent or strength; they may have outstanding coxswains or stroke oars or bowmen; but they have no stars. The team effort—the perfectly synchronized flow of muscle, oars, boat, and water; the single, whole, unified, and beautiful symphony that a crew in motion becomes—is all that matters. Not the individual, not the self.

A lot has been said about the little brotherhood of hobbits tasked with saving Middle Earth in The Lord of The Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien. Much of the focus has often been placed on Frodo and Sam. Throughout the story, Frodo understands the dangers they will face. On multiple occasions, he actually attempts to strike out on his own in order to protect his friends. But the devotion of his good friend, Sam, won't be shaken. If you've read the books or watched the movies, it's easy to see why the relationship between these two captures our imaginations and moves us in profound ways.

There are a number of moments shared between Sam and Frodo that paint a touching picture of Christian community. During one of Frodo's attempts to sneak away on a boat to protect his friends from the dangers of the mission, Sam nearly drowns to catch him. And who can forget the image of Sam holding Frodo in his arms when his friend collapses from the burden of the ring that he carries.

However, Frodo and Sam are only half of the little community of Hobbits sent on this task. Why does so much of our focus fall on Sam and Frodo? After being introduced to the other two hobbits, Merry and Pippin, it's easy to see why.

When Frodo and Sam embrace the mission at hand and prepare to leave the safety of their home, Merry and Pippin come crashing—literally—onto the scene. They stumble out of a cornfield, clearly running from some kind of shenanigan. A pitchfork-wielding farmer isn't far behind, shouting at them through the corn. Merry says, "I don't know why he's so upset—it's only a couple of carrots." Without missing a beat, Pippin continues: "And some cabbages. And those three bags of potatoes that we lifted last week. And then the mushrooms the week before."

"Yes, Pippin," Merry says, "my point is, he's clearly overreacting."

Merry and Pippin aren't exactly poster boys for a world-saving campaign. In fact, their very presence seems only to complicate things. Yet if you know the story well, these two misfits play an important role in the completion of Frodo's quest. And, along the way, we witness the transformation that each of these characters experience as they journey together.

All four members of the little brotherhood of hobbits show us that Christian community has a purpose. God has entrusted us with a mission, and we'll find that he has surrounded us with the unlikeliest of partners for the journey. Instead of ignoring our Merry's, instead of brushing aside the Pippin's we know, we need to embrace them, recognizing and validating the important role they have to play in our community and its mission.

He seems to do nothing of Himself which He can possibly delegate to His creatures. He commands us to do slowly and blunderingly what He could do perfectly and in the twinkling of an eye.

Creation seems to be delegation through and through. I suppose this is because He is a giver.

It is too bad that anything so obvious should need to be said at this late date, but from all appearances, we Christians have about forgotten the lesson so carefully taught by Paul: God's servants are not to be competitors, but co-workers.