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Christianity Today, January, 2008

Please Do, and Please Don't

Suggestions for encouraging widows.

Miriam Neff | posted 1/18/2008 08:24AM

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Apart from the outreach of the church, there are many ways individuals can encourage widows on their journey. But it's often hard to know what to say, for fear of making things worse. So let me offer some "Please do" as well as some "Please do not" suggestions.

1. Please do stay connected. Do not assume we need "space" to grieve. There is already a huge hole in our universe.

2. Please do say you are sorry for our loss. Do not tell us you understand, unless you do from personally experiencing the loss of a spouse. We would rather you tell us you do not know what to say than tell us the story of losing your friend or even close relative. We may be able to listen to your story later, but not now.

3. Please call and ask specific questions, such as "Can we go for a walk together? May I run errands for you? Meet you for coffee?" Do not say, "Call me if you need anything."

4. Please refer to our husband's acts and words, both serious and humorous. We are so comforted by knowing our husband has not been forgotten.

5. Please invite us to anything. We may decline but will appreciate being asked. Do not assume we no longer want to participate in couples events.

6. Please accept that we are where we are. Marriages are brief, long, healthy, dysfunctional, intense, remote. Death comes suddenly or in tiny increments over years. Again, our experiences are so different, as are we. So are our journeys through grief. Do not assume we go through the grief process "by the book."

7. Do say, "I've been thinking of you" rather than make a conversation-only offer, such as "We'll call you, and we'll go out to dinner"—unless you can follow up. We'd love that, too.

Related Elsewhere:

This accompanied Miriam Neff's article on "The Widow's Might".

Rob Moll wrote about taking care of widows in Liveblog.

Other articles on dealing with death are in our special section.

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January 2008, Vol. 52, No. 1

Comments (11)

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Displaying 1–5 of 11 comments

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Anonymous

January 27, 2008 2:18pm

i am young but i think those words help a lot, thank you, i need more advices like these. God Bless you

Linda Hudaggins

January 24, 2008 4:32pm

THis is excellent. You need some one to stand with you and walk with though your grief. You don't need there voice but the arm around you. I click on all the star's but they didn't lite up

Tommye McNeely

January 24, 2008 12:10pm

Thank you for putting into words some of what we are feeling. Tom "went to heaven" 6 mos. ago on 7/25/07 and my, how my whole world has changed! We, widows, become very different people in many ways. We are the same person that we were before just doing and learning many different things. I have become more compassionate in many ways of others. It is truly that you have to walk in another's shoes to know in part what it is like. Everyone in one way or another is going through a valley of some kind. My prayer is that I will become "better, not bitter"; that God will use the "suffering and it not be wasted"!!! He is my creator and my new Husband!!!

Sheila

January 23, 2008 11:35am

I was widowed four years ago at age 51. I've read some great books on widowhood and find this article in keeping with those. What wonderful understanding and encouragement. I too didn't realize how little I "gave" to the widowed until it happened to me. Soon after my loss I got involved in the singles' ministry at church and became an encourager to other widowed. Although my grown daughters had experienced losing their dad, they couldn't understand the painful changes that I as his wife went through - I don't know if they ever will. People expect you to stay the same, not realizing that your loss has left a gaping hole in your heart and in your entire realm of existence. I've found love and married a man who also was a widower. We both feel God guided our paths to cross. The understanding we found for and with each other was one of the defining attractions we felt. We're excitedly praying now for His direction in how we can best minister for Him in our new life together.

Ugbo

January 23, 2008 10:42am

Thank you very much for this information. It cleared a lot of misconceptions for me.

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